"Mario turn that off, it's time for bed. Don't forget to brush your teeth."
Mario pouted but did as he was told, turning off the television before bounding past his mother, who had issued the command. He had just started clambering up the stairs when he heard a knock on the door. "I'll get it Mama." He called out excitedly, bounding back down the hall and ripping the door open.
"Hey kid," Jane tousled his hair and looked past him at Maria, who had walked into the hall tea towel and dinner plate in hand. "Maria. Sorry to stop by unannounced…"
"No problem at all Jane." Maria's smile was gracious until she turned her eyes to her son. Looking sternly at him she barked, "Upstairs and finish getting ready for bed. I'll be up shortly."
"But Mama, Aunt Jane is here!" Mario pleaded desperately.
"Do as your mother says, Mario." Victor commanded as he joined everyone in the front hall.
In a last ditch effort Mario tossed sad eyes at Jane, but they didn't work as well as they normally did. "Sorry kid, you're on your own with this one."
Realising he was defeated, Mario huffed like only a six year old could before briefly hugging Jane and his parents and disappearing up the stairs.
Offering the tea towel as evidence of her prior activities Maria smiled politely and excused herself; leaving her husband alone with Jane.
Victor motioned towards his study and trailed behind Jane who led the way, appreciative of the relative privacy he was offering. She sat down in an old but comfortable recliner and waited for him to close the door and sit down at his desk.
"Have to admit I'm surprised to see you again tonight. What's going on Jane?"
It was the obvious question and one she had expected, and yet she didn't know where to begin. Her eyes fell on the signed, framed Derek Jeter jersey on the wall behind his desk and she let out an exasperated sigh. "Every time I think I like you, I see that jersey. Damn Yankees."
He chuckled softly not at all offended and familiar with the typical Rizzoli delay tactics. They both knew she wanted to talk, but it wasn't as simple as his asking a direct question and she providing a direct answer. No, it was a process of give and take; of easing into the heavy stuff. "Not surprised you're sore, Yankees swept the season series."
Jane rolled her eyes at his gloating. A year ago that sort of thing would have only served to irritate her, but having been able to get to know him she now considered him her closest friend, aside from Maura. She grimaced at the thought of Maura, which only served to remind her that there was a reason she had stopped by.
She jumped straight to the thought rattling around her brain, "Maura told me tonight that she feels like she's lost me to the monsters in my head."
"Did she clarify on that?" He probed.
Jane rubbed at the back of her neck in an attempt to ease the tension that had been building all week. "Apparently I haven't slept at home in two weeks," she offered in response. "I didn't realise it had been that long. We've just been so busy and…"
"And the first thing you do when she brings this to your attention is leave your home?" He queried seriously, understanding to some extent why Maura might be concerned. He understood what it was like to work in law enforcement and to be so wrapped up in the job that he didn't make it home, but he knew that if his wife had ever commented on his absences he would have ensured he rectified the situation.
"Jesus Vic, I just needed some air. It was a real kick to the gut you know? For Maura to feel that way…" She paused, her insides churning just thinking about it. "She's the only damned thing in my life that doesn't feel all twisted up at the moment." It wasn't an easy confession to make, not to her friend, and especially not to the FBI agent who had brought her in on a job and put in a good word for her regarding recruitment to the bureau.
He offered a sad smile in return. It was a difficult time of year for the both of them, so he certainly wasn't going to hold it against her. He suspected that the impending one year anniversary of the death of Detective Cooper had a lot to do with how upside down Jane's world was feeling. "So tell her that. Open up to her Jane. This is a conversation you should be having with her. She worries because she loves you."
The tension she felt in her neck and shoulders crept up her spine to the back of her skull. She closed her eyes and rubbed at the back of her head. "I'm supposed to be the strong one…"
"Bullshit," Vic interrupted. "You're built a certain way and that includes a certain level of toughness. Maura had to learn that from what I understand, and let me tell you that she is the rock in your relationship and she can handle anything you throw at her." He eyed Jane knowingly when she opened her eyes to look at him. "At least when you let her…"
"That's not…"
"Oh shut it Jane. You know I speak the truth."
Jane sighed. She hated being called out on anything. It was definitely one of her faults; it was a good thing she wasn't wrong too often. "She expects a certain level of stoicism from me."
"Because that's all you give her," he retorted immediately. "Trust her Jane, open up to her. Tell her what you're struggling with and let her help you and if she can't help, at least let her be there with you through it."
She let out a small huff of indignation, but they both knew it was all for show. He may have become a close friend and confidant, but a big part of that included acting like she didn't really want his advice. It was a little emotionally backwards, but neither of them were overly comfortable with the sharing of feelings and subsequent meaningful observations. They would dance around a little, get to the point, and then most of the time act like it never happened.
"By the way Rizzoli, I have tickets for the impending blood bath next week if you want to come along." He let her off the hook with a jab at the Bruins, confident his Islanders had them covered.
"Get real," Jane scoffed, "Bergeron will dance circles around that pathetic excuse of a hockey team." She grinned, "Count me in!"
"Excellent," he said, rising from his position behind his desk. "Now go home and talk to your woman, Rizzoli."
An hour and a half after she had left their bed Jane returned home to find Maura nursing a cup of tea at the kitchen island. It was clear the doctor had been crying recently and it felt like a punch to the gut because she knew that she was the primary cause of the pain etched onto her girlfriend's face.
With a heavy sigh she shrugged out of her jacket placing it down on the kitchen island. She slipped onto a stool opposite the stricken woman and proffered an apology, "I'm sorry Maura."
Further words, more delicate words, danced at the tip of her tongue, but it was much easier to acknowledge she needed to be more open, than to actually follow through with it. She really was a difficult woman to love, she almost wished for those days following her amnesia again. She was different then. She had been softer, more open, but then the memories returned and the pain of her life experiences had returned those walls.
Maura barely acknowledged her with a harrowing look, before returning her gaze to the dark liquid in her cup. Her hands wrapped tightly around the porcelain.
Jane reached out and covered her girlfriend's hands with her own. "I love you..."
"I know," Maura replied softly, for that had never been in question.
"I know I'm not myself anymore," it was difficult for the detective, but she knew Victor was right. She had to try, for Maura's sake. Yes she had monsters and yes they were overwhelming her to the point of exhaustion, but she wouldn't let them win. She had too much to live for, too much to lose.
"And maybe I am trying too hard at work, but if I slow down right now… I just don't know if I can deal with that Maura."
Maura looked up and searched the dark brown pools staring so earnestly at her. "Jane…" she wanted to find words to comfort the detective, but she stopped when she realised there was more.
"It hurts too much to slow down… I can't shake the nightmares… I didn't want you to know they had returned. I'm supposed to be the strong one…" the vulnerability choked her up. She was pretty sure this was the hardest thing she ever had to do.
"Jane," Maura spoke more forcefully this time, determined to remind her girlfriend that they were in the situation together. "You are the strongest person I know, if not the most stubborn. There is no weakness in acknowledging you are struggling."
She wanted to believe Maura and logically she knew it made sense, the fact she was still a relatively functioning human being despite her run ins with two of Boston's worst serial killers was proof enough. It just didn't feel that way. Every time her sleep was interrupted by visions of Riley bleeding out in front of her, she felt anything but strong. She felt guilty. She felt broken. She felt weak.
"Riley's dead because of me." She admitted softly, her hands falling away from the warmth of Maura's.
Maura sighed sadly. She wasn't surprised that Jane felt that way, would carry that guilt with her, but there was nobody to blame for the death of Detective Riley Cooper other than the twisted psychopath that had orchestrated her murder. "There's only one person responsible," Maura said forcefully, reaching out to the retreating hands with her own, "and it sure isn't you."
Jane shrugged away from the gentle touch and pushed herself up and away from the stool she had been sitting on. She couldn't bring herself to look into the loving eyes of the woman who had been sitting opposite her. Every fibre of her body wanted to retreat from the conversation, but she forced herself to stay, albeit by pacing back and forth in front the kitchen island.
Maura stood from her position, walked around the island and stepped in front of Jane, bringing her pacing to an abrupt halt. Without her heels she was required to look up in an attempt to get the distraught woman to meet her gaze. "You will get through this. You are not alone in this. I love you Jane."
There was so much more unsaid, but she couldn't even begin to continue. The worst part being she knew that she had to talk to Maura about her current side project helping the FBI and the job offer. She tried to look her girlfriend in the eyes, but it was too difficult. She turned away and let out a shuddering breath, the wave of emotion she had been riding crashed to shore in the form of red hot tears that bit at her cheeks. She wiped at them roughly. Crying was not her thing.
Maura didn't take offence to Jane turning away; she had seen the moisture well in her love's eyes and was not at all surprised at the retreat. Still, she wasn't going to let Jane off the hook completely. She wrapped herself around the woman from behind, hugging her tightly. She placed several kisses against Jane's back before resting her head against the broad shoulders. "Come to bed."
A/N: Well hello, hasn't it been a very long time? I'm sorry about that. Worse is I know it will probably still be a while before anymore updates, but this chapter was nearly done, so I finished it and decided to share it just so you all know I am still about, it's just not been a good year (the lack of writing would be a good indicator of that). I will finish my stories eventually, I am sorry that there is such delay. I just wanted you to know I haven't forgotten you.