Chopper leaned back on his stool and sighed in contentment. The room the crew had converted into an infirmary when he'd come aboard the Going Merry was always quiet and peaceful, a step removed from the chaos that was the Strawhats. He loved being a pirate, and he'd never had more fun than he'd had since meeting Luffy and the others. But it was also nice to be able to study his medical texts and brew his tinctures, potions, and salves in relative peace and serenity.

This peace was abruptly shattered when Nami slammed open the door and deposited the twitching, contorted targets of her not-inconsiderable wrath on the nearest bed. "Please patch the idiots up," she requested. Chopper's eyes widened.

"Doctor!" he shrieked, panic setting in. "Someone find a doctor!"

Nami had to gently remind him that he was their doctor.

"Oh. Right," the reindeer said, embarrassed.

He inspected his patients, taking in Sanji's dilated pupils that were indicative of blunt trauma to the skull, the extreme swelling of Luffy's face that spoke of a severe - though not life-threatening - beating, and Usopp's half-conscious moans that his legions of fans wouldn't love him anymore without his stunning good looks.

He was horrified.

"A fight? Was it the marines? Pirates? Wait, that's us. We're pirates." He shook his furred head in horror. "What kind of terrible beast would do such a thing?" he lamented.

"I have no idea," Nami informed him, "but whoever it was, these three probably deserved it." She gave him a cheery smile and slipped outside, closing the door behind her.

"I love the rampaging Nami-san tooooo~" the concussed Sanji crooned dazedly.

Nami-san? Unlikely. Chopper shook his head sadly. Confusion and temporary amnesia were not terribly uncommon in such cases - but with luck Sanji would recover from this ailment with minimal damage. It certainly made more sense than a single girl hurting such capable fighters so badly.

"Now, I should have a salve that will reduce the swelling," he murmured to himself as he puttered around the infirmary. "Sanji-san? Please do not fall asleep yet. You may have a concussion."

Deep, even breathing was his only answer.

"Sanji? Oh no! A doctor! Someone get a doctor!"

By dinner, Sanji was ready to leave. "I'll heal better in the kitchen," he assured Chopper. Chopper let him go, used by now to his crew's unusual methods of recovering. Luffy had once healed from being gored through the stomach by stuffing himself with meat, Zoro recovered best by being swathed in bandages and taking being left alone to take longer than usual naps, and Sanji swore by the healing powers of cooking good food for beautiful women. The reindeer doctor knew by now that he couldn't really keep them in the infirmary longer than they felt necessary, but he had to admit at least Sanji was up and walking. Zoro often seemed to feel that resting in an infirmary was an affront to his strength, and dragged himself above decks whether his legs were working or not. His other two patients were still bed-ridden, Luffy still in a deep sleep, and Usopp awake and complaining about mysterious, life-threatening pains.

"By the way, Chopper," Sanji said casually, "we've been trying to teach Luffy about women. A medical perspective might be just the thing. Would you mind talking to him?"

Chopper looked thoughtful. "I suppose it is that time of year... I would be glad to help Luffy!"

Sanji smiled. "Thanks, Chopper. I knew we could count on you." He closed the door on Chopper's protestations that being depended on didn't make him happy, asshole.

Just a few hours after Sanji left, Luffy woke up hungry but pain free. He blinked. "Chopper? Where'd Nami go? Is she still angry?"

Chopper shook his head sadly.

More temporary amnesia. So sad.

"Sanji asked me to take over for him and teach you what you need to know," Chopper explained proudly, taking Luffy's mind off his delusions. "So, please tell me what the others have told you so far, so I know what to build on."

Luffy thought back on his previous instructors on the subject. He recalled, counting on his fingers, "Compliments are important. Alcohol is usually involved, and if you aren't careful, so are boot knives. The weather, wind currents, and docks are somehow involved in all this. Don't know how. There's a lot of dancing. And that girls are better than I thought they would be at avoiding traps."

"You humans need all that?" Chopper was astounded. "Human rutting sounds complicated. Reindeer are much more sensible about these things."

"Really?" Luffy asked eagerly. Simple was good. Sanji was a good guy (well, a good cook, which made him a-okay in Luffy's book), but it was hard to keep all his poetic ramblings straight, with the flowers and the romance and the lies upon lies.

"Sure! We just follow our instincts. Don't worry Luffy," Chopper explained confidently, "I'll teach you how it's done. Let's go find a female for you to practice on!"

"Okay Luffy. Remember, you are the alpha on this ship. You have the right to your females," Chopper instructed. "Watch out for the other males; they may try to challenge you for the right to the females. Hopefully by display only, but don't count on it. Make sure to put them down firmly, but don't hurt them too bad: you are all part of the same crew, after all. They don't really mean it, rutting season is just making them crazy."

The pair were peeking around the corner of the rudder room at Nami and Robin, who were reclining on the main deck with Sanji waiting on them, Luffy correctly and Chopper backwards as he usually did.

"Ready.. go!"

Luffy galloped forward on all fours, like the world's most ungainly reindeer. Sanji, distracted as he was by the vision of beauty before him, didn't stand a chance. With a resounding 'Gong-g-g-g!' like the sound of a rung bell, Luffy's head connected with the cook's lower back, shot-putting him through the air like a blond cannonball. He managed to clear the distance from the forward deck all the way to - and through - the door that led below-decks, after which he promptly tumbled down the stairs. It was an amazing shot.

If there was a competition for long distance cook tossing, Luffy would be collecting his gold medal.

"Oh no! Sanji needs medical assistance!" Luffy's new mentor in the ways of love wailed and dashed after Sanji.

"Hey wait, Chopper!" Luffy called. "You never told me what the next step is."

Nami was staring at him.

"Just... why?" she wondered, already dreading the answer.

Luffy puffed out his chest. "I'm in heat!" He paused. "Or maybe you guys are. I don't know how it works exactly, but Chopper was pretty sure that's what was happening. I guess this happens every October."

Nami looked at Robin, who already had her nose back in her book. There was a small smile on her lips. No help from that quarter. It seemed it was up to the navigator to stop the stupidity. Again.

"Luffy, humans don't go into heat."

Luffy looked dubious. "I don't know, Nami, Chopper really sounded like he knew what he was talking about."

"Chopper," Nami stressed, "is a reindeer. What works for him isn't going to work for you. Anyway, wouldn't you have noticed going into heat every October?"

Logic bounced off Luffy like most things did.

"Maybe I never noticed before," Luffy reasoned.

Nami threw her hands up in exasperation. "Whatever. I give up."

"You do! Awesome! Sanji! I did it! Now what do I do?" Luffy looked around. "Ara? Sanji?"

"You knocked him down the stairs," Robin pointed out.

"Geez, what's he doing falling down stairs? What a clumsy cook. Nevermind, I'll figure it out myself…"

Sanji made it back on deck, groaning and rubbing his head. "This is my fault, I'm sure of it. Karma exists in this lifetime, and it doesn't like me."

Zoro cracked open an eye, proving that the hullabaloo had woken him from his pre-dinner nap, and offered, "I just want to say right now that I'm not giving him the 'birds and the bees' talk. That's all you."

Sanji growled back, "Why don't you try pulling your own weight around when it doesn't involve swords or beer for a change, you useless marimo?"

"You started this, it's your problem. Ero-cook." Apparently satisfied with his parting shot, Zoro settled back down, and was out like a light.

"What? Come over here and say that, you directionally-challenged moron!"

Zoro slept on, oblivious. His sleeping face somehow managed to look smug.

"If you can even make it over here without a map - oh, the hell with it." Sanji threw up his hands in exasperation. What was the point?

Maybe he could just drop the whole thing. Luffy managed to get along just fine without romance, why should he meddle with a good thing?

Robin placed a slim, handsome bookmark to mark her page - it was just about the only frivolity Sanji could ever remember her giving in to, besides her closet full of unusual hats - and looked up at him.

"Cook-san, I understand you have been trying to teach Captain-san about reproduction?"

"Yeeees, Robin-chwan!" Sanji was starry-eyed. What had he been thinking about a minute ago? Whatever, it probably wasn't important.

Then he noticed the empty glass beside her lawn chair. Empty, without a new one beside it. Sanji just about hit the deck, supine, under the weight of his depression. Poor Robin-chwan, pining all alone, without anyone to wait on her. It was... it was ungentlemanly. The immutable law of Sanji's universe was that beautiful women always had everything they wanted, and if they didn't, they damn sure would as long as he was around. That a little push down the stairs had prevented him from his self-appointed duty... Sanji wanted to claw out his eyes in shame.

He fell to his knees and let out a cry that resounded from the very depths of his soul, a teeth-gnashing, jaw-clenching, chest-tightening, bowel-loosening howl of pure agony. Horror wasn't even a strong enough word for it; he might have to create new words just to express the depths of his self-loathing for a failure of this magnitude.

Dishonogustidignitude, maybe.

"May I borrow Captain-san for a little while? I have a few things in my quarters I could show him."

Sanji's emotions turned around so fast they could have received whiplash.

"Of course, Robin-chwan! Feel free to take that guy wherever you want and do whatever you want to him!"

A/N: Man, how long has it been since I updated this thing? I've had this thing written for a few months, just never got around to posting it. Anyhow, just Robin's chapter left - plus a little epilogue thing with Franky, because people were asking for it. Don't expect Brooke, though. The 'bone jokes' practically write themselves, but do you really want me to go there?

What is up with Robin's collection of cowboy hats, anyway?