A/N: Whoa, it seems to be taking me longer and longer to update. Sorry friends. Again I'm full of lame excuses, but will spare you banality of them all. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. So far it is my favourite. I am again posting without having written the next chapter, but I willing to take the chance on this one. I'm thinking two more to go, it may be three but I think only two. Please if you can, comment. I need to know what you all think. Any comments, constructive criticisms, suggestions, or what have you are so greatly appreciated.
6. Lingering
I catch myself staring at Kenny for the billionth time. I try to divert my attention elsewhere, but he is captivating. It is amazing to watch the man work. He is smooth and cool and has the girl eating out of the palm of his hand. The poor thing doesn't stand a chance against Kenny's charms. He has this trick he does, where he bows his head and looks up at his target through heavy lidded eyes. Nobody can resist that move. And he can use it on anyone. For instance this girl right now is a good 8 inches shorter than Kenny, yet he is able to look up at her through those heavy eyes. Amazing. It makes him appear vulnerable, but he maintains control the entire time. Stan really could stand to learn some things from him. He would be fairing better with Wendy if he did.
I enjoy lunch more than ever now as it is pretty much the only time during school that I get to see Kenny. However, he often likes to spend this time hitting on girls and sometimes boys but not nearly as often. Even though I know that he is bi, I think he prefers women to men. He sure seems to like fucking them. Which I keep telling myself is okay, and I can't get jealous. I'm adjusting more and more to my new situation. Things aren't the same as they used to be, but I guess once you start something new in your life you can never go back to the way it used to be.
Outwardly, we are back on familiar ground. Kenny and Stan still talk about sex all the time. I ignore them and focus on my book or the game or whatever we happen to be doing. Cartman is still an asshole. We still hang out on Wednesdays. Stan and Wendy are still not having sex and Kenny still fucks anything that comes along. But one important thing has changed. I'm falling for Kenny. I find myself staring at him all the time. I watch his movements, his gestures, his idiosyncrasies like Jane Goodall watched the chimps. I seriously find myself studying the guy. He was right, only I could take something as basic and primal as sex and turn it into a research project. Kenny just happens to be the focus of the project. I am somewhat ashamed to admit that I do masturbate more frequently, always to fantasies involving my azure-eyed Romeo. Which I know makes me a super creep, but I can't help it. Kenny is the only thing that excites me sexually.
This secret obsession has been going on for weeks now, and rather than abating it seems to be getting stronger. I know he's caught me staring at him a bunch of times, but he doesn't seemed bothered by it. He hasn't cornered me to question me or anything. We hang out as much as ever and everything seems okay. But it isn't, not really. There are times when I want so badly to lean over and kiss him, just lightly. I imagine his lips are soft and moist. There are nights that I wish I could cuddle up next to him and fall asleep in his arms. Sometimes, I just want to fuck him silly. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I want to confess my love and hope for the best. Mostly I just bottle it up. Writhing every time he leans over some girl, pushing her hair behind her ear...wishing that I could be that girl. But Kenny isn't the only one who is dynamite a keeping secrets. The only person who I usually can't keep secrets from is Stan, but he is so preoccupied with the Wendy fluctuations that he hasn't noticed.
The bell rings and we all head back to class. I can't wait for the day to end, because it's Wednesday. The one day where I can be sure to have time alone with Kenny. After the gaming and after dinner he usually hangs out for a bit now. But, the day just seems to drag on. I can't even pay attention in History, which is my favourite class. Finally the day ends and we all hop on the bus. I notice that Kenny isn't with us, and I look around to see where he may have gone.
"Where's Kenny?" I ask Stan and Cartman.
"Don't know. Who cares?" Cartman sneers.
"I think he went off with that Alex chick." Stan answers.
"What! Why, where?"
"Dude, what's the big deal? He probably just wants to get laid."
I almost jump off the bus to go look for him, but that would be difficult to explain. There have been times when Kenny doesn't come over on Wednesday. I've just been so excited about today that I can't help but feel heart-broken. I look out the window and sulk. The bus is readying to leave when a straggler jumps on at the last second. I don't look up. I don't care who it is. All I can think about is Kenny kissing that girl, kissing that girl and not kissing me.
"What's up Kyle? You look like your dog just died or something." Kenny's sonorous voice reverberates in my chest.
"He just freaked that you weren't coming. I think he must be in love with you." Cartman laughs. Kenny turns to me and raises a questioning eyebrow. Thankfully, I don't have to offer an explanation as Stan pipes up, "Dude, what happened? I thought you were going with Alex? She seemed totally into you."
"Yeah, she is, but she's got dance class or something. We are going to meet up tomorrow." I feel a wave of relief and jealousy simultaneously. Kenny's coming over, but only because the girl he wants to fuck is busy. Dancing, no less. I'm sure that is a big turn on for Kenny. Imagining her in her stupid tight dance clothes and all flexible and shit. I'm still a bit sulky on the bus ride home, but my friends choose to ignore me. We arrive at my house and the ritual begins. I don't feel like playing, but in the effort to keep up appearances I pick up a controller. Stan and Cartman leave in due time and after silently confirming with Kenny that he's staying for dinner, I move to the kitchen. I'm washing the chicken when Kenny comes strolling in. This is the first time he has ever, EVER, come in when I've made dinner.
"Whatcha making?"
"Shake n' Bake, fries and salad."
"Mmmm, I love Shake n' Bake. Do you want any help?" I shoot him a quizzical look. "I don't know how to cook, but I thought maybe watching you...I'd learn something. My mom doesn't cook, so I can't learn at home."
"Okay...well you can make the fries." I gesture to the potatoes on the counter. He just looks at them and I can see the confusion in his eyes. "I make the fries from scratch. I don't like frozen fries." His eyes light up and he looks at me with something akin to admiration. Which confuses me a bit, because he's had fries here before.
"Okay! Whadda've I gotta do?"
"Well, wash them in the sink. Then pat them dry with a cloth. Then microwave them for 7 mins." He looks skeptical. "Mircrowave them, then we deep-fry them. Cuts the frying time down." I explain. He smiles and nods knowingly.
I've moved away from the sink and already cleaned it out. Kenny gets to work, enthusiastically scrubbing the potatoes. He then carefully pats each one dry. I melt a little watching the concentration in his face. He then goes to sick the potatoes in the microwave. "Whoa, wait! You gotta stab 'em first."
"What?" He looks up from the potatoes.
"You have to pierce the skins, or else they will explode in the microwave."
"Really? Cool! Uh, stab 'em with what?" I pull a fork out of the drawer and hand it to him. "How many stabs?" I just shrug and smile and he goes to town. Those poor potatoes have no idea what hit them. Kenny begins to laugh and seems to really enjoy "murdering" the potatoes.
"Whoa Kenny, that's probably good. We are making fries remember, not mash." He grins sheepishly and sticks them in the microwave. He watches me as I stick the chicken in the bag and shake then place them on the foil covered cookie sheet.
"Ha! Shake and bake. Clever!" Sometimes Kenny's naivety can be painfully adorable. He is watching me very closely, so I hand him the bag and he eagerly takes it from me and shakes the living shit out of the chicken. The microwave beeps and he goes to retrieve the potatoes.
"Kenny, grab an oven mitt. They're going to be hot!" I catch him just in time. He turns to grab the mitt off counter. He is holding a potato in his hand and looks to me for further instructions. I give him the veg cut board and he moves them all over. I've put the chicken in the oven and have started on the salad, making sure to check for bugs. Kenny is standing, knife in hand, trying to figure out how to attack the potatoes again. I walk over to him and grab the first potato and begin to slice, showing him how to make even sized pieces. I begin to work on my salad again, secretly revelling in the wonderfully domestic situation I find myself in. I fantasize that this is our kitchen and Kenny and I are making dinner together. Which we will share and talk about our day, then we will go up to our room and make passionate love all night.
I turn to see how he's getting on and notice a small heap of horribly miss-shaped fries. I walk over, my head still in my fantasy, and stand behind him. My hand reaches out to cover his, my head right beside his, my body pressed up against his, I whisper into his ear, "You have to make them all the same size, or else they won't cook evenly." And I guide his hand in cutting the potatoes. I am lost in the moment, happy as I have ever been in my life when I realize I am actually doing this to Kenny and not just fantasizing. Mid-cut I freeze and panic roots me to the spot. He just turns his head to look at me over his shoulder and smiles, "Uh, thanks Kyle." I leap back as if he is suddenly on fire and mumble incoherently. We finish making dinner and sit down with my family. As always there is polite small talk, but I am very uncomfortable. I keep shifting my gaze to Kenny, but ashamed lower my head and eat in silence. How could I be so stupid! I was just so wrapped up in my little daydream that I didn't realize I had begun to play it out. I'm surprised that he didn't say anything or freak out. Actually, no I'm not, he wouldn't freak out. Kenny is amazing, and understanding and he probably just thinks I was being super helpful. One can always hope.
I find myself trembling as we head up to my bedroom after dinner. I am scared he will bring it up. Of course he's going to bring it up, but what should I do? Laugh it off, confess, kiss the ever loving daylights out of him? I actually feel nauseous, I can sort of see why Stan used to keep throwing up on Wendy all the time. I walk in and Kenny follows. I sit on my bed and he sits beside me. I keep my head bowed and focus on taking deep breaths.
"So, you still watching porn?" The question is so sudden and so far from the conversation I was expecting to have that I'm confused as to what the words actually mean.
"Huh, what?"
"I was just wondering how the porn was working out for you. You know, if you still watch it or not."
"Uh, no not really. It doesn't really do much for me."
"So are you still worried about being normal?"
"Not really. Well not in the same way, or I mean for the same reasons."
"Huh, what are you worried about now?" This line of questioning is so different from what I was expecting that it has put me at ease, somewhat.
"Well, I seem to be excited by a very specific thing. Like, only this thing gets me horny. I'm a little worried that that's not a good thing. Or healthy. Or normal."
Kenny smiles, "Sure it is, dude. You just have a fetish. Lot's of people do."
"A fetish?" I've heard the term, but wasn't quite sure what it meant.
"Yeah, like you need a particular thing to find sexual gratification. There are tonnes of people who have fetishes. And tonnes of different types of fetishes."
"Uh, okay."
"Some people have foot or shoe fetishes, so they need foot play or for the person to wear shoes in order to get off. Some people like dressing up in costumes, or role-playing. Some of these people wear like mascot costumes, their called furries," he laughs. "There is a group of people who get off on dominating others or being dominated by others. There are people who are into peeing on each other. Lots of stuff. I don't think you need to worry."
"Kay...but are any of these fetishes really specific? I mean like a shoe fetish, but it has to be this exact pair of shoes and no other shoes will do?"
"I don't know. I guess so. Do you have a specific pair of shoes that you really like?" He asks jokingly.
"Not as such." I mumble. He looks at me curiously for a moment then shifts a little closer.
"Kyle." He waits till I look up at him before he continues, "Do you trust me?" He is sitting unbearably close to me. Unable to speak, I just nod. He looks deep into my eyes and leans over until he is less than an inch away. "Completely, trust me?" He whispers, and I can feel his breath across my lips. I can't move. He closes the space ever so slowly, never once removing his deep blue eyes from mine, and I feel the touch of his soft lips. I feel faint and close my eyes.
I must be dreaming and I don't want to open my eyes and ruin the dream. I can feel Kenny's lips against mine, covering me in chaste kisses. I let him. I want him to continue kissing me forever. I feel the uncomfortable pressure in my jeans and know that the tent has been pitched. I reason that, seeing as this is a dream, it is perfectly okay and I don't need to hide my erection. But the kisses stop. Against my better judgement I open my eyes and see Kenny smiling at me. His eyes are sparkling and his head is cocked to one side. He glances down at my lap and back up at me, the grin spreading further.
"I've never been someone's fetish before." He smirks.
I feel myself turn crimson at the comment. At the comment and at the situation. I have the most intriguing and desirable man sitting closer to me than I could ever have hoped for, and he just kissed me. Delicate, wonderful, chaste kisses and my reaction is to develop an embarrassingly rigid boner.
"I'm sorry." I mumble.
"Sorry?" he asks. "Why are you sorry?"
"For earlier, creeping on you in the kitchen. And.." I look down at my lap, "...for this." He smiles and shakes his head.
"Don't be sorry." A moment of concern etches itself into his features. "Unless of course you don't want me to kiss you."
I've never seen doubt in Kenny's face before, he has always been so confident. The doubt makes him look very innocent and young. Altogether way too appealing for a normal human being to handle. In response, I smile and close the short space between us and brush my lips against his. I feel as if everything I've ever wanted and dreamt about is about to come true. I can feel him returning the kiss and he somehow seems to have taken control. The kisses remain chaste, soft pecks across my top and bottom lip and the corners of my mouth. His hand moves up to caress my cheek and he pushes ever so slightly into me. I sigh deeply and lean back into the bed. My hands find themselves wrapped around his waist and caressing his lower back. He shifts himself on top of me and the pressure of his weight sends chills throughout my body.
I feel his lips part slightly and I mimic his actions. His tongue slips artfully into my mouth and begins it's explorations. Everything seems to have taken on an intensity that I am having trouble processing. The light in the room is too bright. The sweet, musky smell of Kenny is suffocating me. His weight makes it harder to breath. Every inch of my body is hypersensitive and I can feel my clothing chaffing against my skin. His hand reaches up under my shirt and something in my brain snaps. It's as if a blackness envelops me and I become nothing but sensation. A most wonderfully erotic sensation. Slowly as if from some distance I can hear Kenny's voice, "Kyle, stop... Kyle slow down... Kyle, wait." I suddenly become aware of my surroundings again and Kenny is pulling my hands up from his pants and pulling back to sit up.
"What? Why are you stopping?" I ask breathlessly.
"I... just think we should take things more slowly." The words cut into me as if he was wielding a sword.
"Why? I want this. I want you." I am beseeching him to continue. "Please."
"Kyle, you are new to this. I... I...don't want to take advantage of you. I want you to be able to stop and walk away. I know you. You need time to process things and you can't just jump into something as intense as sex after years of not even thinking about it."
"I know I want this Kenny. I've been thinking about it for weeks. I can feel it with every fibre of my being. I want this." I lean in to kiss him, my lips parting on contact and my hands grasping his hair as I push against his body. I can hear him moan lightly and he kisses me back fervently.
I move back and pull him on top of me again. I feel his erection pushing against mine and again I am transported to this euphoric state of being. I can hear myself moaning his name as I push myself up against him and my fingers rake across his back. "Kyle" he whispers, "Oh, Kyle. We...we...really should...we really should...stop." Stopping is out of the question now and I move my hands down to his pants again, this time rubbing the bulge from the outside. His breath catches a moment, but as I move to undo his zipper, he stops me. "Kyle, stop. We can't. I won't...I won't let you do something you are going regret." His words tear me to shreds and I feel myself breaking. I look into his eyes, searching for the reason behind his hesitation. Maybe he doesn't like me. Maybe he was just having a bit of fun and I'm taking it too far. That thought is enough to break all my resolve and before I can stop I can feel my eyes welling up. "Kyle? Oh, Kyle please don't cry."
"I'm sorry, Kenny. I thought you wanted..." my voice breaks and I look away. I feel so embarrassed and stupid. Kenny grabs my chin and turns my head back to face him. But I keep my eyes firmly averted and I can feel the tears running down the side of my face.
"Kyle look at me. Look at me." I turn my eyes to him and am met with a stern, yet imploring stare. "I want to. Believe me, I do want to. More than anything, but I can't. Kyle, I care about you and I know you. You need time to think. You over think everything and you need time to be sure that this is what you really want."
"I know.."
"No, you don't. Not yet, anyway. You need to take everything you're feeling right now and analyze it. You need to look at it, without all the hormones and see if you still feel the same way. Kyle, I've known you since pre-school. I know how you work."
"Kenny." He stops me with a kiss. A sweet, gentle kiss. And I kiss him back, as if my life depended on it. I pull away slightly and whisper against his lips, "Okay. Okay, Kenny. I understand." Relief washes across his face and he caresses my cheek with his thumb. He leans forward a places a kiss on my forehead and then on my nose, and finally again across my lips.
A/N: Well, that's it. For now anyway. I'm pretty much have the rest mapped out, but things are always subject to change. I have been influence in the past to change things in this story by reader's comments and from reading some wonderful stories on this site. I also find that when I'm stuck for inspiration I like to check out some awesome yaoi fanart. I highly recommend azngirlLH on deviantART and babyhip. Two constant sources of fluffy and smexy inspiration.