MIYUKI, THESPIAN EXTRAORDINAIRE

CHAPTER 6

WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A KONATA

Part 5 of 24 continued…

I learned something that night, drowning yourself isn't as cool as the movies make it out to be. First off it's boring, I mean you just sit there with your head under water. Two, unless you're unconscious there's no real way for you to do it without forcing yourself up for air. Natural self-preservation sucks. This is pretty much what I do when I get bored, come up with ways to kill myself. I should probably stop though, on the off chance I do actually go through with it on accident. Maybe that's how Narumi shot herself in the foot, trying to show off to her colleagues. No, it was a traffic stop so...I don't know.

Like an alligator, I lurked towards the corner of the bath and waited for any sign of Konata. I saw her ahoge poking out of the water right behind Kagami and Tsukasa; they were on the far side of the bath. Kagami was staring Tsukasa down and had a look on her face that I recognized from Konata. It was that look that Konata gave me when she saw me naked. That look.

Looks like I'm not the only one in danger. Looks like Kagami there is staring Tsukasa down like Konata was doing to me. Huh, maybe they do have a thing together. If they actually were romantically involved, I don't think I could handle that. My brain would probably shut off for a minute or too if that happened. It wouldn't be all that surprising to be honest though, given the way these three act.

"What is it?" Tsukasa turned and asked Kagami.

How long can Konata hold her breath? I don't know about her but I CAN HOLD MY BREATH FOR A LOOOONG TIME. Referencing music videos nobody knows is fun.

"Oh, nothing!" A startled Kagami replied.

She was just thinking about how she wants to put the consensual back in nonconsensual. IF you know what I mean. Actually, that doesn't make any sense. I don't know what Kagami wants. Probably money.

"I was just wondering what you did with…unwanted hair."

So our little Kagamin is becoming a woman, I better not be the person she comes to when she wants to learn how to shave. Knowing these three, I'd be the one they'd ask about learning how to shave pubic hair. I don't get it though, Kagami's clean shaven, I've been seeing her naked for like last half hour. Is she asking if Tsukasa waxes or something? I don't understand anything.

"Well, I'm kind of smooth all over so I don't really do anything." Tsukasa replied. "What do you do?"

Did she just not hit puberty or something? Judging by her breast size and lack of discernable hip curves, that's completely possible. Maybe she has some chemical imbalance that made it so her hormones never kicked in and she'll forever be a child. I'm the complete opposite, I started puberty when I was only nine years old. I like that because certain stores don't card me when I go to buy liquor.

"Who me?" Kagami asked, she sounded even more startled than before. "I guess I'm kind of normal…"

Unlike those damn Tea Ceremony cultists. On the way here to the bathhouse, I saw them playing Tousenkyo down at the beach in their kimonos. That's weird! That game was made for Geisha girls, and Geisha girls the Tea Ceremony Club are not. Not to mention half their members are…I have no idea what gender any of them are. Speaking of Tousenkyo, Tsumugi was like really, REALLY good at that game. I don't mean, better than us, but better than the people I see playing during tournaments on TV. She also bowled a 300 once. I miss being around people who weren't completely incompetent idiots.

"Hmm." Tsukasa hummed after a second of silence.

Everything was almost normal until you started talking about your pubic hair again. Kagami, is it any wonder why no one ever wants to hang around us?

"Actually today was kind of risky for me if you know what I mean." Kagami told her.

That's not a normal thing to say.

"No, I don't."

Neither do I.

"It was almost time for my…you know what to happen." She clarified.

You know what? No I don't know what. What are you talking about? I don't like where this is going.

"Oh I get it..." Tsukasa giggled.

Tsukasa's into some pretty deep stuff. If she gets it then it must be pretty sick. But something sexual doesn't fit into that context at all.

"…But it didn't so that's good."

Okay, Wikibrain activate, searching for something that could be an innuendo for. What happens periodically that Kagami could be worrying about? Mail happens after a period of time. Bills? Bills are something that poor people get bloody worried about.

My guess is that this has something to do with the occult. I bet they mail order in children from Russia and then slice them up on top of a stone alter under their house. Then they fill chalices with blood and offer it to Dagon, the god of the Deep Ones. I mean where else would they get blood for it? They don't like doing this so that was why Kagami was worried. Wow, maybe I've been wrong to make fun of them for being stupid and incompetent this whole time. They're too afraid to think rationally every day because of this secret.

"Were you okay with yours today?" Kagami asked her sister.

Her unhallowed sacrifice?

"It missed me, mine ended just last week. So I guess you could say it was perfect timing." Tsukasa replied.

Wait, this ritual happens over multiple days? How do they do that if they have to go to school? Perfect timing, what was that about? Detective Miwiki Firefox is on the job!

"It's such a hassle when you want to go to the beach." Kagami said.

Wait, I bet they're branded or something by Dagon after the ritual. That mark is what prevents them from turning into one of the Deep Ones. And if they go to the beach then everyone will see the mark and know their dark secret. Wait, how would people recognize that just from a marking? I would just think it's a tribal tattoo or something. Is this one of those things where everyone but me seems to know about it? Kind of like how everyone but me has played Final Fantasy 7?

"Yeah, I know. It sucks when you can't go into the water because of it." Tsukasa replied.

I bet the water has a negative effect on it, I bet it enhances the mutation process instead of nullifying it. This sounds really silly, but honestly, what else could they possibly be talking about? It's not like they're talking about their periods or

I…I may not be as smart as I think I am sometimes.

"But you could always use one of those thingies."

Is she talking about tampons? That would support my period theory.

"Yeah right, but you still worry about it." Kagami agreed.

Well that clarified it for me, I am yet again correct. What was I saying about cults earlier? How did I get that out of periods? This reminds me of when Sakamoto got it in her head that I was a vampire. She sharpened a drumstick and tried to steak me with it. All she did was break my sternum though.

"I've never used one of those things." Tsukasa chuckled.

Wait, I remember this! One time in class, I saw a few spots of blood on Tsukasa chair. I thought she just had a nose bleed and then I went and… I just threw up in my mouth a little I think. Oh god I hope she doesn't have AIDs.

Konata popped up between both of them like a dolphin coming out of water, the two sisters screamed in unison. "Someone's having a blunt conversation."

"W-what if we are? It's not like you never-" Kagami tried to argue, Konata's pointblank stare stopped her mid sentence. "You're kidding!" Kagami gasped.

"What are you looking at?" Konata replied and stared her down.

"Oh nothing…" Kagami muttered, she sounded scared.

It's like they're communicating like cats do. That's not really fair to housecats though. Wait, I think Konata is one of those people who lies and says they have no period. All that means is that she's infertile, which I view as being quite a good thing. That's pretty cool I guess.

I was relieved that I survived the bathhouse though, I was almost positive that I was going to have my life ended. No, I survived that but I wasn't sure about my next obstacle. The hotel. Konata was a master of staying up all night. Sadly, I was not. As soon as I drifted off I knew Konata would jump me and have her way.

I'm a heavy sleeper too. I didn't realize how easy it would be for her to just go at it while I'm sleeping. Okay, okay, I just have to stay up all night. Easy.

For now she just settled for telling ghost stories.

"The story I'm about to tell you…really happened." Konata began in a low voice. "A man who worked for a video wholesaler left home one night as he usually did. It was especially dark that night as he got on the bus to go home."

I clung on to Tsukasa and shivered in fear, not at her stupid story but at the fact I had to keep up the image I had built for myself. Plus I saw Tsukasa as a possible ally, she didn't seem like one to enjoy occult stuff so maybe I could save her then we could run away to Taiwan or somewhere. That was just in case the Tea Ceremony Club decided to strike again. Taiwan seemed safe.

No, their version of Mandarin Chinese is difficult to learn. I think I speak enough English to get by in an English speaking country. The UK or Denmark seem to good choices. But in Denmark I'd have to learn Danish since English is mostly a second language there, so the UK it is though. I guess that isn't that bad though, except for chavs…Seriously "Hey lets take that faggoty 'gangster' style from Americans and make it even more faggoty!" Who was the genius who thought that up? I don't understand the west…I really don't.

"His house was at the edge of town where the bus route ended. One by one, the passengers were dropped off. But the man, he was alone riding through the inky blackness on this especially dark night. The bus was so empty and so quiet now, that the driver thought he was alone…but he wasn't, and then…"

Who was phone? A skeleton popped out. Every body walked the dinosaur. Yawn, I've heard this before.

"HE SANG DANZEN FUTARI WA PRETTY CURE OUT LOUD!"

Everyone screamed in unison, except for me, I was just a little flustered at everyone screaming in my ear at once. I had to give her credit, that was a new one.

"Just a rumor I heard." Konata said and turned the lights back on.

Terrifying. Can you swallow a hot coal for me? It worked in Julius Caesar so it should work for you. That chick was pretty hardcore to swallow that. I don't think I could do that, that's hardcore. I'm having trouble finding a more painful way to die than that.

"It was nothing." Kagami announced, clearly sounding relieved. Everyone else breathed a sigh of relief and eventually headed off to bed. I prepared myself for the oncoming night though. If Konata attacked I would be ready. I had even found my camera taser. If I accidentally killed her, I could just dump her body in the ocean and be done with it.

I took a disposable camera and stripped it down so the case around it was gone. I then took two paper clips and fastened them into the camera. I wound it up and set it next to me, if I hit the flash button it would electrocute any one who was touching the paper clips. This was not a cheap camera so I could probably knock someone unconscious with this thing. Maybe even kill then.

Eventually tiredness overcame worry and I fell asleep. Not even an hour later I was awoken by Tsukasa screaming and Kagami muttering, "Go to sleep…"

Sounds like Konata tried feeling Tsukasa up. Christ, get a room you two! A different one I mean, one that isn't near me! All this nonsense is making me have to go the little Miyuki's room.

So I got up out of bed and stumbled down the hall. I had been dreaming about anthropomorphic frog people again, and therefore was on edge.

My hand brushed up against someone and I had to stifle a scream of horror. Without thinking I jabbed my camera into them and hit flash. There was a flurry of sparks and I heard the person hit the ground. As my eyes adjusted I realized that this person certainly was not Konata, it was some twelve year old boy.

Oops. Well that's it, I'm going to prison for murder. Assuming he's dead. I'm not even going to check to see if he's alive or not. Alrighty, time to do what you do best Miyuki, make someone else look bad to cover up your own mistakes.

I dragged the kid's unconscious (and quite possibly dead) body towards the circuit box at the end of the hallway. After placing him against the wall in a sitting position, I killed the power to the place. I then grabbed a handful of wires and tore them free, after that I turned the power back on.

Oh dear, your poor little boy was playing around the circuit box at night and had a little accident? That's so sad, and it is also in no way Miyuki's fault whatsoever. Okay…no hairs left, no surfaces that leave visible prints. Alright, time for bed.

Somehow I managed to survive the night. The morning was mixture of confusion since the power was out for some "strange" reason. We left like nothing happened, but we had to wait a few minutes as Tsukasa stared blankly into the ocean. She then came screaming to Kagami about something.

She's completely and utterly insane isn't she? Normal people don't stare at the ocean then run screaming to their sister about being scared.

Part 6 of 24

I got home and helped myself to a nice meal.

It's a modern miracle that the beach food didn't give my dysentery. Ahh, now to sit back the rest of the day while browsing forums and listening to death metal. Maybe Minami will stop on by with her laptop and we can have a Team Fortress 2 LAN party. As much as she will never admit it, that girl is like a goddess at games. Her only fault is that she always over thinks all the puzzles and ignores the simple answers. Not everyone can be as perfect as me though.

"Miyuki." My mother addressed and walked up me."Go have your teeth taken care of before school starts up again."

My cavities aren't that bad! Why can't you be a negligent parent and ignore me? You're cool to hang out with sometimes but you really need to stop caring about my health. It's not like I plan to live past the age of thirty anyway. Chances are that my super virus will end up killing me as well. This is precisely why I need a heir.

"I understand but I just don't like it." I replied honestly.

See Mom is cool because, like Minami, I can be myself around them without any strange looks and "OH EM GEE you just contrasted your normal personality!" The most I get is the occasional, "Oh Miyuki be nice." From Mom and some, "Settle down there, Miyuki." From Minami. I have the decency to be polite around Mother though. After what Daddy put her through, it's the least I could do.

"Well, I would feel bad about forcing you to go." She said and grabbed the house phone from the table. "If you can't go I'll have him come. A visit from the dentist."

No, no, no! Are you trying to get me raped or something? This is how Elizabeth Short died; I think. There are no witnesses here, and how's he supposed to bring all the dental care stuff here anyway? Aren't there machines you need for that stuff? Are we back in the 1800's?

"Please wait!" I shouted and tried to convince her to just let me go another few months, or year or two without visiting him.

So after spending the night with gut wretching pain in my teeth, I came to school in zombie mode. It was falling asleep at my desk when Tsukasa ran at me.

"Yuki-chan! Good morning!"

Miyuki need more sleep before Miyuki able to intelligently communicate thoughts.

"Good morning Tsukasa-san." I replied.

Time to put on the usual act again…I'm like a circus performer stuck in carnival hell.

"You look kinda down, did something happen?" She asked.

I can't tell if she actually cares, or is just trying to talk to me to avoid Konata. No, Konata would force her way into this conversation either way. She's like a conversation date rapist.

"Actually, I went to have my cavity taken care of." I admitted.

"You went to the dentist." Tsukasa replied."Impressive!"

Everything I do is impressive given the circumstances. Most people would have killed themselves by now, but I keep going.

"Why are there so many follow up trips to the dentist?" I groaned.

Seriously, get it done all at once instead of dragging it on to make more money. Not like my family has any trouble with finances. Except with the government tries to regulate our earnings. Not. Cool. I blame poor people for this.

"I totally know what you mean! And it isn't just one or two trips!" When she finished Konata walked up to us.

"Miyuki-san, good day." Konata said politely with a bow of her head.

What the hell? What are you doing? Why are you being so polite? Did you join the Tea Ceremony Club or something?

"Ah Konata-san, good day." I replied sounding polite, in reality I was kind of nervous about what she was up to.

"Have you been well?" She asked in that same voice.

Oh I get it, you're making fun of me!

I nodded. "Thank you for asking."

"I'm pleased to see you looking well."

Of course I'm looking well! I always look well.

"This is the first time I've seen a person say 'good day' in real life!" Tsukasa stated. Ha ha you're lower caste. That's the one thing India really got right, was their whole caste system. I like how they convinced the poor people that they would always be poor and that people like me should be inherently worshiped.

"Really?" I replied, "It appears to be a regularly used greeting at the girls' school my friends go to."

I haven't talked to them in months. They're snobby and rich to the power of ten. Just because they're rich and pretty doesn't make them above every one else! That rule doesn't apply to me though. I AM above everyone else around here. Tsumugi was pretty tame though, but kind of weird. I wouldn't have minded going to Sakuragaoka with her, but that would be like a three hour commute. Almost worth it though.

"A real school for rich girls is something else. How refined." Konata said in her mocking voice. Then that kid who smells bad and yells a lot walked up to us. What was his name again?

"Kuroi told me to collect summer homework for her." He said.

Get away from me, please, please, PLEASE, get away from me. Can you not read the displeasure written all over my face?

"Excellent work, Sebastian." Konata complimented.

I thought his name was Mikuru Shira-whatever. And he did not do anything excellent.

"S-seba?" He stuttered.

"Butlers must be named Sebastian, do you not agree?" Konata asked.

No, our old butler's name was Scruffy. Well that's what I called him at least. I never learned his name, but I don't think it was worth remembering.

"You do get that impression." Tsukasa agreed.

You're dirt poor, how would you know?

"Tell us a funny story, Sebastian." Konata demanded.

I got one. There was that time I took off one of Minami's eyebrows when we decided to have a knife fight. It didn't work the way it did in Biohazard 4, and insurance doesn't cover knife wounds like that. Man it takes your wrist A LONG time to stop bleeding. She was pissy about that for like a month. Why is everyone who isn't me such a baby?

"Ain't happening." He muttered and walked off.

You shall bow to your superiors silly man. Like I said, caste system.

Class started and Kuroi began her rambling/lessons. "Vacation just ended but you ain't got no time to be mooching around. Start thinking about your future and put effort into studying…"

Her Kansai accent is so fake that it offends me. ALL Of MY HAATE.

I fell asleep exactly right then and there. At lunch Kagami came into harass us with her usual nonsense.

Go bother Misao and Ayano. They don't get bothered enough.

"By future she means choosing a major?" Kagami asked.

How did you know she said that? You're in a different class.

"I guess high school is only a temporary stopping point."

Unless you're Tsukasa, she's gonna be here awhile.

Konata literally slid up to her, "But you probably haven't done much thinking about the future, right?"

"Why? Don't insult me!" Kagami shouted at her

"Because…you chose liberal arts to be in the same class with everyone, right?" Nice one Kagami. Way to sacrifice your future to be insulted by Konata every day. Really thought this one out didn't you? I just wrote down whatever since high school isn't important to me in anyway.

"Tsu-Tsukasa!" Kagami screamed at her sister "You blabbed!"

No, I guess I'm not allowed to have naps. Why would I be?

"Ah, sorries." Tsukasa innocently muttered.

There is nowhere else you could be having this conversation? Like outside? Or in the middle of a busy street? Just let me sleep on this cold metal desk.

Kagami pointed at Konata, "And you told HER of all people."

And you CHOSE here of all places.

Konata slid up being Kagami and rested her head just below the twin tailed girls neck. "Oh come on, you could have just been honest…" Konata cooed and raised her hand over Kagami's head and began stroking her hair.

H-how is she bending her arm like that!

"You hate being lonely don't you, there there…"

Kagami threw Konata off her and screamed, "Shut up!"

I wish people would consider my feelings when they choose a place to have their temper tantrums…

Oh fuck me, I just realized that the school sports festival is coming up. This means I'm going to have to do stuff…I don't wanna do stuff!