A.N. I survived exams guys! So I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while but these were kind of important so I had to study and not get distracted by pretty Brittana stories. This chapter is starting to deal a bit more with 'real life'. School and family and stuff so it's got a bit different tone but, like always, I really really would appreciate some review loving because I'm writing this one for you guys! I've actually started to develop a bit of a plan for the next chapter so that should be out sooner but make sure you keep me motivated ;D
Disclaimer: I do not own any recognisable characters.
I was usually so cold at nights so when I woke up sweating, my wrist burning and the air around me so heavy and hot that I couldn't breathe, I panicked. I panicked more than I would like to admit and until Brittany shot up beside me, wrapping me in her furnace arms I couldn't quite remember where I was. My mind flicked back to what had happened before then to the dream where the bitch of a head cheerleader had driven her car straight off a cliff, Britts and I unable to move, unable to save ourselves strapped into the back seats.
"Britt," I whispered into her burning neck. "No one can know about this. More than the kisses, more than anything, okay?"
I knew I had gone over the point so many times but last night had crossed a line, one I had never wanted to but somehow always had. Her hands were moving now, sliding across my body and starting a raging inferno that threatened to swallow me whole. I tried to breathe, tried to cool myself down but I could see nothing but her, hear nothing but her shallow breaths, feel nothing but her everywhere, threatening to drive me even closer to insanity than the night and the alcohol that was only just leaving my body had already made me.
"I know," she whispered against my skin, sealing it with an open mouthed kiss on my stomach. I tried to repress the shiver, the sudden explosion of need I felt but it was Brittany and she always saw right through me so instead I just watched, half with curiosity and half with barely contained lust as her kisses dropped lower and lower.
"This changes nothing," I whispered into thick air as she gently pressed her fingers against me and made me feel like no one had ever touched me before.
When I walked into school Monday morning I had my HBIC face back on. I knew Quinn was at her locker talking to her oafish boy-toy and I kept my face stoic and my pace fast, pushing past idiots who got in my way to get to her. I needed to release some of these goddamn feelings and insulting Quinn's man-candy seemed like the best way to do it. I caught a flash of blonde, not just any blonde but blonde attached to an innocent face, bright eyes that saw me too well, small nose, mouth that was too good at things it shouldn't do. Usually I would stop, wait with an extended pinky for her to link onto and we would march down the hall, smirks in place and not a care in the world but that day I kept my gaze forward and my arms locked down by my side and tried to ignore how my heart sped up.
I didn't care, my body needed to understand that no matter what she had made me feel nights before, there were no feelings. We were just friends, just friends practising for boys. As I swallowed the suddenly thicker air I repeated the mantra over and over in my head, my glare never letting up even when I drew up close to Quinn and the giant attached to her hip.
I wanted Puck. I wanted to screw Puck so hard at that moment that I forgot the way I saw her shoulders slump out the corner of my eyes, the way her bright eyes flickered to the ground probably echoing the confused expression she wore when she woke up that morning to an empty bed and a still dripping shower. Instead I just smiled my trademark bitch smile and told Quinn that she was looking much better, much happier since she went off her diet.
I think I even chuckled to myself as I walked off, storing the horrified self conscious look Quinn sent my retreating back with the rest of the information I could use against her. Quinn had never been on a diet but the thought that she was gaining pounds wouldn't hurt anything but her confidence and that was something I wanted to break down now because inside mine was in such ruins.
I dialled Puck but all I got was the empty beep signalling his phone was off. I didn't have time to worry about where Puck was, I just wanted someone to screw away the thoughts so when I saw Matt, happy football player Matt, and I smiled coyly at him, signalling him to come over and talk with a flick of my ponytail, a swivel of my hips.
"Hey, how was your weekend?" he asked happily and I almost felt bad for what I was about to do but then I remembered how my weekend really was and I smiled even more, leaning right in until I was by his ear. He smelt weird. Too strong and I resisted the urge to cough because once I started I didn't know if I was going to be able to stop. I need you to help me with something, I felt myself say but the words were just a buzzing in my head getting louder when I saw blonde hair over his shoulder. I closed my eyes and surrendered myself to the fuzzy noise. I have a practical assignment. I could feel his breathing going funny and I wondered if he'd done this before and for a second I worried. But he was a footballer and footballers, except for Quinn's oaf, prided themselves in their so called ability to sleep with girls so I pushed down the bile travelling up my throat and let my lips brush over his ear. It wasn't right. Too rough, too strong, too everything but Brittany was still in my head and Quinn looking so fucking happy with her stupid boyfriend was making me push this further than it should go.
In Sex Ed.
The words slipped out and before I really knew what I was doing I had him pushed against the inside of a janitor's closet. Classy, I know. His tongue was thick and clumsy and his hands felt like ice against my skin. I wanted to throw up again, to stop whatever the fuck this was because his hands were shaking and I was really starting to doubt that he had done this before but I was too far gone.
I grabbed him through his jeans, smirking at the noise he made, that I made him make and I let the buzzing take over my head until I forgot where I was. Ten minutes later I climbed out of the closet, fixing my hair and lipstick and making my way to the missed Sex Ed. class without looking back at the giant mess I had just made. For a second I thought I saw Brittany making her way out of the girls' toilets, blue eyes sad and hurt and so fucking knowing but I blinked and it was just some ditzy Junior. I couldn't breathe though so I pushed into the space where vision-Brittany had appeared from and pressed my hands to my head until the pressure made me stop feeling like I was going to explode.
I finally pulled my hands away from my head, breathing in deeply when I felt the bile rise to my throat. I wanted to yell and scream at whatever fucked up god was doing this to me but I didn't because truthfully? I knew it was all my fault. It was just like they said in the stupid science class I was going to skip next. Every action has a reaction. I felt my reaction climb further up my throat until I couldn't hold it back any longer and I flew into a cubicle, the vomit leaving my throat raw and my eyes wet.
I pulled off some toilet paper, wiping the mascara that had surely run halfway down my face and slowly started to fix myself up; face, clothes, emotions. By the time I stepped out of my cubicle and into the stock still form of Rachel Berry I felt almost back to normal. The stupid shocked expression on the dwarf's face made me sure what she thought I was doing in there and while the thought didn't appeal to me, I wanted everyone to think that I looked like this without any effort on my part at all, it was a damn sight better than what I had been in there for. I shot her a condescending smirk, bumping her shoulder hard as I walked out. I think she might have fallen to the ground but I didn't stop to look, I never really cared about a bit of collateral damage.
I didn't want to go back to the stupid sex ed. class where Matt was probably sitting, furiously taking notes for the few minutes he missed like the good little student he was. The thought made me smile and before I could keep it buckled under, a laugh escaped, piercing the empty corridors and making the janitor walking slowly past stare at me curiously. I changed directions suddenly and I was sure that if the janitor hadn't been halfway through his teapot already he would have thought something seriously screwed was up. He was already looking at the exit sign like it might provide some sort of answer and so I barely even looked at him as I swept past into the parking lot.
The air was cold. I breathed in and let the frigidness seep into my lungs until I felt like I was slightly calm again. I saw Puck sitting in his car, smoke slowly filling up the inside and making it hard to see his head through the haze. I smirked and ran over, my cheerio shoes making barely any noise against the ground. I took one last breath of icy air before diving into the smoky heat filled car. I knew Britt would wonder where I was in science, the talk about ignoring air resistance probably confusing her since I wasn't there to tell her that it was only so the numbers worked out but I needed to forget. I needed to forget the way her hands slid up my sides, I needed to forget the way she burned through every part of, how she burned right inside me and then I needed to forget the way I tried to forget her.
As Puck passed me the joint without a word, I felt a different kind of burn travel down my body. I didn't stop until everything swam for a second, letting the smoke out in a fast paced stream. I wanted to care about the fact that it would so easy for a teacher to catch us, for another student to rat us out but the drugs were slowly taking over my system, making the startling clear memories of Brittany and her hands on every single inch of me, blur along the edges. I let out a husky laugh. The way she had looked at me when her fingers slid inside me didn't seem too serious, too terrible now. In fact, remembering the blurred version of what had happened as I sucked in more and more smoke was making me uncomfortably hot. I tried to blame in on the car but when I realised I was grinding down into the leather seat, trying to get something, any kind of pressure I knew it was a stupid excuse.
"Did Britt find you Saturday night?" Puck asked, his words swirling around the car like the smoke we were exhaling like trains. I sucked in the last of the joint, coughing a bit as I tasted paper. I had turned to face Puck but he was already handing me another one, the lighter sparking in his hand as he moved closer.
"Yeah," I replied, my mind once again flicking back to her, the way she moved when I moved my fingers just so, the way her body responded like she was dancing. I shook my head and let the next confession come out with a stream of smoke. "We had sex." I hadn't meant to say it but my chest felt like a whole fucking car had come off it and I giggled as I passed the joint across. When Puck didn't take it from me right away I turned in my seat, suddenly so fucking aware about what I had just said, about the seriousness of what I had let slip.
I wanted to grab the words still hanging in the air with the smoke and pull them back inside but I couldn't and Puck was still silent and staring at me like I had told him I was having his love child or something. I hung my head. I tried to remember how to breathe again but the smoke was so dense and it was making my throat burn even more and I didn't even realise I was crying until I tasted the saltiness on my lips.
"Hot," he simply said, his shocked face turning into a perverted grin and I wanted to punch him so hard for scaring me but I was too busy wiping my face furiously and trying to ignore the fact that I had never been that scared in my life ever. He looked over and me and his grin got even sleazier and soon both of us were laughing, tears streaming down our faces and the joint slowly burning down to a stub in my fingers.
I pushed him into my room, his shirt already off and my hands making quick work of his pants. I didn't really know what I wanted, all I knew was that his mouth was warm and familiar and safe. His hands didn't burn skin as they slid up my top. We both laughed when we crashed into the bed and I didn't even remember when I had taken off the rest of my clothes. He pushed into me harshly but I was more used to it now and the weed was dulling my feelings so I just giggled, laughing harder as an offended expression flitted across Puck's face.
I really wanted tacos.
All of a sudden he was moving inside me though and I couldn't deny that it was what I needed. I closed my eyes, biting my lip when I remembered the way her hands had skimmed across my chest, remembered how pale she looked against my dark skin, the moan she let out as I bit gently on her neck. Suddenly the activities I was in felt so much better and I moved faster, my eyes clenched shut because I knew if I opened them I wouldn't be able to face what I was doing, once again. A buzzing slowly filled my ears as the noises he was making got louder and I welcomed the dark, quiet space, leaving my body to focus on nothing at all but feeling.
When he immediately rolled over and fell asleep, I didn't get angry like usual. Instead, I let the bit of drugs clouding my head lull me into sleep, Puck's warm body beside me like a heater.
I woke up wanting to scream. There was pressure, so much pressure around me and I was burning so much more than that night I had fucked Brittany. I felt like screaming, like crying, like throwing up because I couldn't think or breathe but instead I tried to calm down my almost panic attack until it was just a dull thumping in my ear.
It was strange because usually I slept alone, whoever I had fucked earlier not even thought about. Usually the empty part of the bed felt so fucking big and I felt so small that I had to curl up tight, my head underneath the blankets so I could feel some kind of warmth. No matter what I was always cold. That evening though, 7:00 blinking at me in harsh red letters, there were two people next to me. I felt like I couldn't breathe again because Brittany must have come looking for me when she couldn't find me at school and her body was pressed against mine so fucking hard. I was wedged between her and Puck and I could feel them both like furnaces either side of me and my usually freezing toes were gently resting on someone's calf.
For one second I thought to myself that I might want that; want someone to keep me warm but then the heat was pressing down on me and I couldn't move between them. I tried to stick my foot out of the blankets because it was burning and I was burning and I couldn't do anything about it and sure, being cold isn't fun but I just wanted to be alone.
I tried to lift myself up but two arms were threading across my body. I want to scream at them both to let go, I wanted to scream at Puck for still being in my bed and I wanted to scream at Brittany because she was here. Because she had seen me with Puck. Because if I didn't scream at her then I might kiss her and never stop.
I felt the clicking steps before I heard them and barely had a second to push Puck off the bed before my mother was opening the door to my room, barely a knock to announce herself. Having Puck on the floor didn't do much, the room still smelt like sex and a little like the weed that clung to my clothes. I knew that my mother knew I had never lived an innocent lifestyle but when Brittany's head popped up on the other side of the bed, her arm securely burning into my stomach and her hair mussed from sleeping, the look on my mother's face was priceless.
"Dinner will be ready in ten, mija," she called out. "Will we be having guests?" I literally wanted to run and give my mum a hug for the way she kept her face completely neutral while asking; as if Puck in nothing but Superman boxers counted a guest.
"No," I replied firmly, feeling the way Brittany's face dropped behind me deep in my chest. I couldn't deal with her right now, not while I was feeling like this. "No, it's just me."
Just me, echoed through my head as Puck slowly put his clothes back on. Just me, swirling around my brain as Brittany picked up her Cheerios jacket before putting on her shoes. Just me, on repeat as I was left alone, the click of my door closing the only noise outside my screaming head.
Please review guys, I love hearing what you think about their characterization, stuff you like (or don't like) and things you want me to put in future chapters.