EPISODE 1.05: RIPOSTE
In hindsight, what happened next was nobody's proudest moment. The episode where nobody is dignified, everybody fails to find their happy place, and the Patented Fowl Glare becomes a proper noun.
-x-
ri·poste: noun \ri-ˈpōst\
1: a fencer's quick return thrust following a parry 2: a retaliatory verbal sally - retort 3: a retaliatory maneuver or measure
~ Miriam-Webster Dictionary
-x-
It was a part of Holly Short's nature to be prepared for the worst case scenario. This had served her well in the field, as certain associates drew bad luck like a magnet to iron. Expecting the worst had become routine and, naturally, had extended to Holly's home life as well.
So it was that when Holly was woken at three in the morning to suspicious shuffling noises in the living room of her apartment, her hand went immediately to the bat she kept ready beneath the bed. In her defense, it was a very nice bat - all steel and chrome, and very sturdy. Of course, her defense was sort of the point.
A clatter sounded in the kitchen, instantly stifled by whoever was rooting through her stuff. Holly took advantage of the thief's apparent distraction to roll out of bed. The roll continued across the floor before she took position against the doorframe. Crouching with her bat at the ready, Holly reached out with her foot, nudging the door open with one toe. A deep breath to steel herself, and then she poked her head around the corner.
A dark shape was crouched on the floor next to her shelves. Holly took one more slow, deep breath, and then slipped through the door. Even half-asleep, Holly knew how to cross a room without being heard.
The intruder began to turn around. Holly raised the bat.
In hindsight, what happened next was nobody's proudest moment.
Artemis flew across the room, arms spinning as he crashed into the sofa he'd been sleeping on for the past week. The sofa rocked back under his weight before settling firmly back on its four legs. Holly lowered the bat.
"D'Arvit, Artemis!"
-x-
For all his intellect, Artemis was having a problem wrapping his brain around the fact that he'd just been hit with a bat yet his attacker claimed that it was his own fault. If he hadn't spent the last several hours meditating inside a closet, he would have been extremely irritated by this turn of events. Luckily, waiting out the aftereffects of a caffeine rush had given him ample opportunity to find his happy place.
This mindset lasted until she insisted his confinement to a supply closet was his own fault, too. In fact, Holly's first question - once she had made sure he wasn't seriously injured by the impact (and apparently the beginnings of a rather spectacular set of bruises didn't count as "seriously," either) - had been how on earth he convinced Sass to let him out. By way of reply, he passed an armful of files to the elf.
"These came in about an hour ago. Preliminary results of the scans I've been pulling out of Foaly's systems."
"And they couldn't wait until morning?"
Artemis frowned. "I was willing to wait until you attacked me with a cricket bat. But seeing as we are both awake now, I don't see any point in the delay."
Holly leveled a look at him that would have sent any lesser coworker scurrying for cover. When Artemis merely pulled out a chair at her kitchen table and sat down with his eyebrow raised in expectation, she gave in. "What am I looking at here?" she asked, attempting to shuffle through the pages before dropping them in a heap on the table.
"Technological advancements." He caught the expression on her face and hurried to add, "The data - not the papers. To save time, I staggered my searches based on population density, and uncovered an apartment block in Singapore that is drawing nearly six hundred percent too much power from the grid for it's size and occupancy. Despite this, the structure does not appear on any municipal records. Singapore plans urban development very carefully, as approximately 85% of the city's population lives in government housing. Given the vast number of permits and building codes to be followed, then, it's impossible that this is a simple oversight. My systems automatically cross-referenced this location with census data, and -"
Holly cut him off by yawning loudly. "Fascinating stuff that could have waited until morning. And how did you get in here, anyways? I changed the locks."
"I noticed that. Thank you." His expression suggested the exact opposite of gratitude. "The point is, I know who we're looking for."
He paused in an attempt to make her to ask for clarification. Instead, the elf just crossed her arms and waited. A minor staring contest ensued, broken only when she yawned again. "Great. And they'll still be there in the morning."
"Actually, no. The individual in question, one Park Myung-Ki, is a top-seeded foil fencer. He is a favorite for Singapore's Olympic team; were it not for disqualification due to age, he would have competed in the last Games. As it is, Myung-Ki flies out this afternoon to attend a tournament -" Artemis paused for emphasis, "In America. If we take the first shuttle out, we will be able to intercept him; if not, it will be weeks before he returns home."
Holly rolled her eyes and strode back into the living room to retrieve her bat from where she'd dropped it next to the shelves. "That settles it, then."
Artemis noticeably flinched as she picked it up. "Settles what?"
Holly hefted the bat and gave a sigh. "We're going to Singapore."
-x-
Dodo Feldspar had been fired from every job she had ever had.
This was due not to poor job performance. Rather, it was her personal policy: Never quit anything. Ever. She was a dwarf, and felt wishy-washiness was a rather unbecoming trait for anybody to possess. When she decided it was time to change careers, rather than submit a notice or request for transfer to another department, Dodo simply dove headlong into a campaign to convince her superiors to fire her.
She was now on job number eight, working nighttime security at one of Haven's many public shuttleport docking stations, and had decided two months ago that it was time to move on. Her boss felt otherwise; until two months ago her work had been exemplary, and he still hoped that whatever had happened to his star employee would prove to be transient.
Dodo had other plans. She surveyed the mismatched duo before her, and grinned. Here, she knew, was a golden opportunity to make a point.
"Are you nuts?" hissed her pixie coworker, Jax.
"Oh, I know. You'd have to be a complete moron not to recognize the two of them." Her grin widened. Jax decided it would be in his best interests to go on break - he didn't want any blame for what was about to ensue.
-x-
"You'd have to be a complete moron not to recognize the two of us," Artemis said coldly. "I've played along with your game, I've given you my papers. I'm on a tight schedule and this is a waste of time."
The dwarf hummed non-committally and shuffled the documents again. "Do you think I'm stupid?" she asked, "A human coming through at this time of night? A human? I don't know what you're trying to pull but it's not going to happen. Not on my watch." She smiled broadly, displaying a magnificent set of teeth.
Holly grit her own teeth together and slid her badge across the table for the third time. "Look. I'm LEP. This is official business."
Dodo waved a hand to gesture to the badge pinned lopsidedly to her vest. "Look. I'm security. This is as official as it gets."
"That's it," growled Holly, pushing her chair back from the table to stand up. "I'm phoning my superior. He will talk to your superior, whom I doubt will enjoy the conversation. Your superior will then have a talk with you, and you will proceed to open this gate and let us through. Any questions?"
"And when my superior refuses to open this gate," said Dodo brightly, "Make sure you tell your superior to take his official documentation and shove it up his -"
Artemis chose that moment to cut in. "As interesting as I'm sure that would be to watch, we are on a schedule." He stood up. "We've shown our documents. There is no legal reason to hold us here. We're going through and you won't -"
It was Holly who saw the danger first, as usual. Her fingers rapped a pattern of four on the table's surface. Artemis interpreted this as a warning to shut up and, surprisingly, did.
It was actually a warning to duck. Dodo's buzz baton hit him square across the nose.
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"Do, you are dot allowed do fid id. You'b done enoub."
"Fowl? You sound ridiculous. Shut up."
They were in the bathroom of the shuttle as it made its way up to the surface. Artemis was busy inspecting his broken nose in the mirror while attempting to use one hand to keep Holly at bay. The elf, in contrast, was attempting to reach a hand to his nose for a magical quick fix.
Artemis reached for a towel to clean the blood off his face and Holly took her chance. Darting forward, she nearly made contact before Artemis jumped back out of reach. The ensuing scuffle was anything but dignified, as Artemis attempted to use the hand towel as a shield against the determined elf.
"Dug?" Artemis yelped in the midst of it all. "Why wud four tabs mean dug!?"
Holly swatted at him again, and missed. She glowered. "Four taps mean watch out, which you obviously did not!"
She finally gained the upper hand by clambering up onto the sink. For a moment the elf paused, taking aim. Artemis's eyes widened in the realization that there was nothing he could do to stop what was coming.
Holly lunged, hands outstretched.
The two of them ended in a heap on the floor. There was an instant of stunned silence, shattered when his nose snapped loudly back into place. It was a gruesome sound, and even though she was a veteran at healing broken bones, it still made her wince.
It was as though the sound was a signal. They sprang apart at the same time, at which point Holly knocked her head against the counter. She looked up and met Artemis's eyes sheepishly. "You still have some..." she began, gesturing vaguely at his face to indicate the blood that remained.
Artemis buried his face in the towel and counted to five. When he finally lowered the towel to peer over at the elf, his voice was pure ice. "Next time you need me to duck, it might be more effective to say so."
-x-
"Hey, who finally gave up and punched the Mud Boy?"
Sass sounded far too chipper for such an early morning, especially considering that she had been awake for half the night. She was met by the Patented Fowl Glare - this time in stereo, as Holly had adopted the expression as well. It translated well considering the conversation was taking place over a video link. The camera managed to catch every detail, right down to Holly's rumpled hair and the blood stain on Artemis's shirt.
"Caltrop," said Holly after a moment of awkward silence. "What's that behind you?"
The watersprite shifted to the side to reveal a rather dumpy looking gnome. "It's an, uh, intern. A new one. Erm, I mean, it's not an intern that's Sass or myself, but - uh - a new one that just kind of showed up this morning? Um..." His words trailed off.
"Well, can you tell it to go away?" When nobody spoke, the Glare returned until Caltrop slowly turned around to face his new coworker.
"Um, go away?" The gnome reluctantly moved out of frame as Caltrop twisted his hands nervously. "So how is Singapore?" he asked with forced cheer. "Sass mentioned that was where you were, um, headed?"
Holly's mouth twisted sourly. Artemis's eye twitched. "Just tell Foaly to get on the line," he bit out, before ending the call.
Sass laughed and turned away from the camera. "Free time in the office!" she brayed, and caught sight of the gnome glowering in the corner. "Oh, don't worry, we'll train you."
-x-
"Singapore. Why am I not surprised?"
Artemis twisted his earpiece as Foaly's voice came on the line. "Yes, Singapore," he sighed. "You have our location?"
"How did you even get there so fast?" Foaly asked. "I saw you both in the office just last night. Weren't you locked in a closet or something?"
Holly smirked. "Yes, Foaly. He was."
Artemis was poking at his earpiece. "Are you having trouble with the line? Your voice is cutting out."
"I hear him just fine," Holly noted smugly. "Maybe you broke your earpiece. Could be a trend, you breaking things."
Artemis was not amused. "If it broke, it was probably when you jumped me."
"Wait, she did what?" Down in the operations booth, Foaly perked up.
"Never mind," growled Holly. "We're here now. Fowl's convinced he's found another Changeling, I've got the field kit ready to go. We'll go in, wipe the kid, and be gone within the hour. I just need you to erase us from the feed, Foaly."
Artemis frowned. "I never said I was convinced. I said I thought it was likely."
"You dragged me to Singapore on a hunch?"
"And you're surprised by this?" piped in Foaly. He was promptly ignored.
"I don't have hunches. I create theories. And I needed to be on-site to determine whether my theory was correct."
"You dragged me to Singapore on a theory?"
By this point, Foaly had hung up. He theorized they would call him back when they sorted out a course of action. After two minutes had gone by without either earpiece lighting up, he tentatively reopened the line.
" - just like with the squid -!"
"That is completely irrelevant -"
Foaly sighed heavily and hung up once more. He'd wait until later to ask who finally gave up and punched the Mud Boy. Whoever they were, he made a mental note to see if they were in the market for a new job. After all, he didn't imagine LEPfoul's new intern would last for long.
-x-
Foil fencing was an intelligent sport, and that was why Park Myung-Ki preferred to channel his energies into such an athletic pursuit. This was something that could not be said about all sports; in fact, he was of the opinion that most of them consisted of nothing more than smacking an air-filled sphere about a flat field of turf until either one group or another managed to attain some obligatory goal, or until a clock ran down to end the spectacle. Foil fencing had three advantages going for it, then: it was an individual contest, it was elegant, and it was smart.
He was also of the opinion that foils were the only weapons worth fencing with. Sabres were undeniably less elegant - hits could be scored with the edge of the blade, and not merely the tip, and so one spent more time attempting to avoid contact with their opponent altogether rather than in attempting to outmaneuver them. By the same token, he'd always found épée blades too heavy, placing too much emphasis on brute physical strength and offensive showboating rather than carefully controlled maneuvers. He was a strategist, after all, and so anything less than a strategist's game simply wouldn't do.
Yes, Myung-Ki was a teenager of very discerning taste, and he knew he was born to be a foil fencer. It was half a wonder that he did not decide to take up chess or some other purely intellectual pursuit, but then, he always did enjoy getting his hands dirty.
One thing he never did convince himself to enjoy, however, was packing. Tournaments were wonderful; preparation for them less so. After all, he was still a teenager. Clothes were tossed into the suitcase with little care or precision, with a selection of light reading shoved into the outer pockets. His fencing gear was placed in a duffle; Myung-Ki did take effort to organize this, as each piece was vital to his success.
His best foils were handled with extreme care due to the advanced technology he had incorporated into their systems. He'd come up with the schematics himself, based on designs he'd lifted from the alien civilization that had taken up residence in the Earth's crust. The technology would enable Myung-Ki to gain extra points in a fencing match, should he ever begin to fall behind.
It was against regulations to use one's own foil in the tournaments, of course, but Myung-Ki had long ago come to the conclusion that switching out the foils was merely the next step in such an intense game of wits. Besides, the alien technology was near-undetectable to any who wasn't looking for it. A fool-proof method to ensure he would attain his top status in order to make the next Olympic team.
Besides, even if he were found out, nobody would suspect the technology's true origin. The ensuing scandal would rock the fencing community, to be sure, and he would proceed to make a fortune off the ensuing patents.
Fool-proof, indeed.
-x-
"And this is the boiler unit," Caltrop told the new intern, bringing his tour of the LEPfoul offices to a close. He patted one of the pipes in faux-affection and hissed at the subsequent burn. "Don't - uh, don't touch the metal," he added as blue sparks sprang from his fingertips to target the injury.
The gnome rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. His expression implied that only a complete idiot would think to touch the pipes of a boiler unit. Caltrop saw this, interpreted it correctly, and turned to Sass for help only to find that the centaur was asleep at her desk.
"For Frond's sake," the watersprite hissed, and stalked across the office to poke at his fellow intern. "Sass, wake up. Sass. Pihassas."
Her eyes flew open at the sound of her full name. "You'd better not have just said what I think you just said."
Caltrop backtracked nervously. "Said what? I was just, er, saying your n-name. Sass. Because that's what I call you. Because I don't have a death wish."
"He called you Pihassas," tattled the gnome, choosing this moment to reveal that he could actually speak if so inclined.
Caltrop exercised his right as most senior intern by glaring at the gnome. "You - sit down," he said firmly, before adding, "Uh, if you'd like."
The gnome didn't move. Cal turned back to Sass, who was stretching and yawning loudly. "I was having a great dream, you know," she said irritably. "I was on the gang squad, taking down a pack of goblins." She mimed aiming a blaster, making sound effects as though firing. "Pew! Pew! It was awesome."
"That's great," Cal said weakly. "Do you want to show, uh... " He turned back to the gnome. "What was your name again?"
The gnome leveled him a steady glare and said nothing.
"Um. Show our new intern the coffee machine?"
"Do you know how rough my night was?" Sass asked with a flip of her mane. "I was up half the night babysitting Artemis! It wasn't so bad most of the time - I just played some games on my computer - but then his machine made some noise and he was hounding me to check results and find a key and then it turned out that the lock had fused and I had to go hunting for one of those emergency fire axes but by the time I got back, he'd already gotten out and disappeared."
Caltrop was interested in spite of himself. "How did he get out?"
Sass shrugged and waved a hand to the closet, where the door was still half-open. "I dunno. Used a laser to cut out the lock of the door or something? Don't ask me how he got a laser in there. Left his desk in a mess, too."
Nodding sympathetically, Caltrop turned his gaze to the boss's desk. Sure enough, the papers were scattered over the surface, as if the caffeine had still not completely left Artemis's system when he attempted to flip through his files. Even the cup of pens had been knocked over, although Cal suspected that was Sass's fault.
The mess did give him an idea, though. "Tell you what," he said to the gnome. "Enough with the tour. You get started on cleaning up that mess and I'll go make everyone some coffee."
With one last glower, the gnome shuffled toward the desk. Cal smiled brightly at Sass. "I think I'm getting a sense of this whole intern-training thing," he whispered proudly.
"I think I'm going back to sleep," retorted Sass.
-x-
There was a section in the LEP handbook that specifically told team operatives to stay on one channel throughout the course of a mission. Holly had skimmed the handbook briefly. Artemis had read it once, thought it was a load of drivel, and never referred to it again. This wouldn't have mattered if Foaly had not decided to put his copy to good use by propping up one leg of a lopsided desk.
Thus, when Artemis and Holly finally split up yet continued to bicker over the comm link, Foaly made an executive decision and put them on separate lines. It meant wearing two headsets at once, which he didn't mind. It also meant listening to two streams of complaints from either side, which he minded quite a lot. Luckily, Foaly had had plenty of practise in sustaining conversation without actually paying any attention to the topic at hand.
"...as if he knows everything! I understand technology is important but you can't figure everything out by looking at a panel of switches and wiring. Sooner or later you're going to have to question an actual person. And I can't do it, which means I have to sit around and babysit the kid while Artemis plays around with wires. It's a waste of time!"
"Uh huh," said Foaly. "Hang on a sec, would you?" He reached up and turned the right headset off, before flicking the left on. "Find the electrical panel yet, Artemis?"
"Not quite. There was more security around the basement than I'd anticipated, although I have managed to bypass it, of course. Obviously, someone doesn't want people looking at the schematics of the building's technology, which means I was right to come here first. You'd better let Holly know. I don't know why she insisted on finding Park first when this is what we came to check. And I've finally managed to access the panel - one moment while I confirm my theory." The last two syllables dripped with sarcasm.
"Right," Foaly said. "Hold on a minute, there." And he switched the lines back to Holly's channel. "Fowl said he's found what he's looking for, and he was correct about the -"
"Great. Tell him to destroy the fairy tech, and get back up here." She folded her arms with a snarl, watching through the window as Myung-Ki loaded his duffel bag with various fencing equipment. "Park's getting ready to move."
"I'm not your messenger," Foaly whinnied, but switched back to Artemis's channel all the same. "Holly says-"
"Tell her I'm not planting an EMP in the basement of a currently inhabited building," said the human without looking up from the control panel. "Somebody would surely notice. As important as it is to remove any trace of fairy technology, I am sure Holly would agree that it's more important to do so without being detected, and -"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it." Unhappily, Foaly raised one hand to each ear, switching both comms off at the same time. A deep breath, and then another, as the centaur tried in vain to find his happy place. Instead, he found himself internally cussing out Commander Kelp for even approving LEPfoul in the first place.
A good long moment passed before he reluctantly turned them back on. Taking off first one headset, and then the other, he set them both deliberately down on the desk before him. Satisfied, his tail swished behind him as he left the comms booth. Holly and Artemis would be able to hear one another over the distance between the headsets, and hold down the fort on their own for a minute.
I have SO earned a cup of coffee.
-x-
Really, he'd expected Foaly to stop replying to him sooner. It was just like the centaur to pout, after all. So when he stopped responding to Artemis's running commentary as he closed the control panel once more, the human didn't worry.
"I'm going back upstairs now," he announced to the empty room, reaching to adjust his tie. It was a futile gesture, as there hadn't been time to wash the blood from it; he'd simply removed the tie and shoved it in his briefcase for later cleaning. At a younger age, Artemis would have never considered such an act. Older and wiser, he had more or less resigned himself to the fact that it seemed to be impossible to remain tidy while in fairy company.
He was still not quite wise enough to resign himself to the fact that this was probably his own fault. Instead, he reached down to pick up his briefcase once more, and turned to leave the basement.
-x-
Really, she'd expected Foaly to stop replying to her sooner. It was just like the centaur to pout, after all. So when he stopped responding to Holly's running commentary as she hovered outside Park Myung-Ki's window, the elf didn't worry.
On the other hand, she was slightly concerned over the fact that nothing had exploded yet. It was an alarming thought to have. Since when had her life taken such a drastic turn? Oh yeah, since he showed up. And he had always been perfectly fine with leaving a path of wanton destruction in his wake, so she couldn't understand why he had to choose today to change his ways.
In other words, she was still fuming.
Park was still packing his fencing gear, and showed no signs of leaving the room anytime soon. Holly made a decision. With Foaly off-line and the comms disconnected, she had no way of telling Artemis to stay put; clearly, she needed to reach the basement before he disentangled himself from the wiring. And then she'd set off the EMP, whether he wanted to or not.
-x-
The lobby of the apartment was fairly mundane, as far as apartment lobbies went. Two faded couches and a decorative side-table that had suffered more scratches than a pixie in combat were the extent of the furnishings. It was the sort of lobby that discouraged loitering, designed for residents to enter through the front door and walk straight to the lift - or stairwell, if so preferred.
Artemis did not prefer the stairwell, but the lift had been designed to go no lower than the main floor. He'd taken the stairs to the basement with all the dignity that one can muster while bickering childishly over communication lines. Now, having investigated the electrical grid and found his clues, Artemis emerged into the lobby once more.
He made a beeline for the lift doors. The Park apartment was located on the top floor of the building and Artemis had no intention of taking more steps if a lift was readily available. Sure, he had to wait a minute as the number over the doors ticked down, but he spent the time mentally preparing for the conversation he would have with the Changeling in question. When the lift arrived, he stepped inside, pressed the button for the top floor, and brushed an invisible crumb from his rumbled shirt's sleeve.
The doors slid closed behind him.
Half a minute passed. The lobby remained silent, ignored, and completely mundane. That is, until the front doors of the building opened seemingly on their own. Only a slight shimmer of the air was visible to the naked eye, of which there were none. The shimmer was not inclined to wait around for someone to arrive and notice it, either, but headed straight for the steps that led down to the basement.
The number over the elevator turned to fifty.
-x-
Locks did not act as an obstacle to Artemis, who had developed lockpicking skills under the training of a kleptomaniac dwarf and had the amorality to use them. It took barely a minute to shut off the electronic lock and then fiddle with the keyhole before the door slipped open. Artemis rolled back his shoulders, replaced his picks in his pocket, and stepped inside.
Waiting for him crosslegged on the floor, with his arms folded and a fencing foil on each side, was Park Myung-Ki.
"You could have knocked, you know."
Knocking had honestly not occurred to Artemis. It didn't help that past experience had taught him that if there were an easy way to accomplish a task and a hard way, it was always the more expedient course of action to try the hard way first. After all, the easy way was practically guaranteed to fail - considering it as an option at all generally just led to sloppy planning. There was once a time when he had sworn by Occam's razor, but those days had long since passed.
Still, Artemis recovered quickly. "Hello," he said mildly, eyes skimming the room in search of Holly's shimmer. "I'd like to talk with you about -"
"Sorry to interrupt what I'm sure is a carefully constructed cover story prepared for exactly this contingency, but you're here about the alien technology, aren't you?"
Artemis coughed. "Pardon?"
"There's been an odd shimmer outside my window for the past twenty minutes. Either it was an oddly localized humanoid-shaped heat wave, or a technologically advanced cloaking device. Only someone from the alien civilization would have that technology on hand. As no contact was initiated with me then, I made an educated guess that I would soon have a visitor. It seems I was right."
"Alien civilization?" Artemis repeated, a little incredulously. He reached to straighten a non-existent tie. "Well, it just so happens that I've been sent by this alien civilization to talk with you about the technology you stole."
Myung-Ki gave the gangly, dishevelled young man a skeptical once-over. "You?"
"I admit, it's not a turn of events I would have anticipated, either." Artemis was starting to realize what he sounded like to the rest of the world (and, by extension, why he had such problems making friends amongst his peers). At least encountering these Changelings was proving to be an eye-opening experience.
"I'll save you the hassle of talking in circles in an attempt to find out what I know," Myung-Ki said. "I have no intention of revealing information regarding your alien civilization. I want a spot on the Olympic team and I want the technology to ensure it happens."
Artemis glanced down at the fencing foils. "You rigged the equipment. And if someone catches you?"
"I am clever enough to cover my tracks - no one will catch me."
"Except, apparently, for me."
Myung-Ki narrowed his eyes before he rose to his feet, a foil in each hand. "I'll make a deal with you. I won't tell anyone about your civilization so long as you don't reveal my advantage. We both win."
"I don't take deals where I have the most to lose," Artemis retorted. "Hand over the technology, and we'll leave you alone."
He really should have phrased it better than that. In his defense, he really had expected Holly to intervene before now.
Myung-Ki appeared to consider the offer, looking down to study the foils he held. He took a step to the side, twirling one of the foils lightly. "You want the technology?" he asked, shifting his hold on the foil so its handle was extended to Artemis. "Here, catch."
The foil flew in a slow, perfect arc, rotating once in midair. Artemis cringed, raising both hands in self-defense. He did not entirely know what he hoped to accomplish by this, as there was a near zero probability of his reflexes and hand-eye coordination cooperating with each other for long enough to actually enable him to catch the projectile.
A moment later, Artemis stared dumbfounded at the foil that had somehow appeared in his hand. "I caught it," he said, sounding almost proud at the thought.
"Yeah," said Myung-Ki, thoroughly unimpressed as he lifted his own foil. "En garde!"
"What?"
-x-
Foaly was feeling much better by the time he returned to his desk, a piping hot cup of sim-coffee clutched tight in his hand. He'd gone all the way down to the basement level break room to fetch it - the extra distance gave him time to regain his composure, and the coffee down there was the best in the building. He took an appreciative sip, burned his tongue, and settled down in his custom-made swivel chair.
The comms were just where he'd left them. Foaly set his coffee to the side before lifting the devices to secure them back over his head. "All right," he said cheerfully, "Sorted out your differences yet?"
Silence greeted him.
A wave of cold apprehension washed over the centaur. "Hello? Holly? Artemis? Come in?"
Nothing but the sound of his own beating heart.
Hands trembling, Foaly removed the comms again and stared down at them, wondering if the feedback loop had somehow shorted them both out, leaving Holly and Artemis without means of communication. What he saw was much worse - somehow, when he'd set the comms down, he'd neglected to actually turn them back on. Which meant that not only were Holly and Artemis without communications, but it was all his fault.
"D'arvit!"
Foaly flicked the power button on each comm and secured them both over his head again. "Holly? Artemis?" he asked with forced cheer.
From Holly's line came the sound of sudden swearing. "Oh sure, now you decide to turn the line back on," she growled. "Where's Artemis? He didn't stay in the basement."
"Let me check," Foaly told her meekly. "Artemis? You there?"
"Frond's sake," Holly cut in, "Just put us on the same line again, already."
In no position to argue, Foaly did as he was told.
"Artemis, you had better not have gone up to Park's apartment," Holly began as soon as the line was connected. She received no answer.
"Maybe he's ignoring you," offered Foaly.
Holly ignored him.
"Or he took off his comm?" the centaur continued. He pulled up the data on his computer. "The data says the device is still active. He's up on the fiftieth - oh. Oh, no. That's not good."
Holly, already halfway up the stairs from the basement, didn't bother asking for clarification.
-x-
Artemis ducked beneath the striking foil and felt the comm device fall out of his ear. He could have attempted to retrieve it but defending himself from a world-class fencer was taking up all his limited coordination skills for the moment. Even limited was a stretch, as Artemis was merely employing a method known to most as "duck and cover." He was just happy Butler wasn't around to see him.
On the other hand, it would have been nice if Butler were there to step in.
Myung-Ki, by contrast, seemed to be having the time of his life. He pivoted on one heel, swinging his foil in a flourish as his heel crunched down hard on Artemis's comm. Artemis winced, but then there was no more time to think as his opponent feinted forwards.
Perhaps it was Artemis's complete and utter lack of hand-eye coordination that kept the match going for as long as it did. After all, Myung-Ki was used to facing opponents of the highest calibre. If fencing was a match of wits, it did help to be able to predict the actions of one's opponent. Artemis, having never held a fencing foil before in his life, didn't seem to have gotten that memo. His movements were increasingly erratic and desperate, countering parries by lashing out blindly with the foil and reacting to lunges by scurrying backwards. When recounting the events of the day in his journal, this particular sequence of events would most definitely be glossed over.
So, as disappointing as this match was to Myung-Ki, he was enjoying the ability to toy with Artemis. As far as the Olympic contender was concerned, it all balanced out in the end.
They'd circled around the room twice already due to Artemis's attempts to avoid the foil. Artemis was flagging, and had begun to formulate a plan of survival - bolt through the door at the soonest opportunity. Objectively, he knew this was not in keeping with the goals of his mission, as it would leave technology in the hands - literally - of Park Myung-Ki. On the other hand, this "fight" half of the "fight-or-flight" instinct really wasn't working out so well for him.
Unfortunately, Myung-Ki seemed to have caught on to his - well, he could hardly call it a plan. "No running!" he shouted, darting forward once more with the foil. "That's cheating!"
If he had the breath to respond, Artemis may have pointed out that Myung-Ki was the one who had insisted upon using rigged foils in the first place. Instead, he just slipped backwards once more, half a step closer to the door.
-x-
Standing shielded in the doorway, Holly Short did not have a clear shot.
It was a moment of mixed emotion. Part of her was vaguely impressed that Mud Boy had managed to get himself into a fight in the five minutes since they'd lost contact, and wondered if she'd been a bad influence on him. She was also a little impressed that he hadn't yet managed to trip over his own feet and impale himself upon his own sword.
This was drastically outweighed by the fact that, despite their continual protests to the contrary, apparently humans had not yet entirely abandoned the whole concept of settling disagreements by trying to kill each other with pointy sticks. Also the fact that she still did not have a clear shot.
The elf tapped her fingers twice against her blaster in irritation, and had an epiphany.
-x-
Somebody knocked four times on the doorframe. Myung-Ki paused mid-lunge, his gaze darting to the empty doorway.
Artemis didn't bother pausing. He heard four taps, interpreted this as a warning to duck, and - surprisingly - did.
-x-
Holly wasn't completely sure whether Artemis had understood her warning and dropped to the ground, or if his feet had finally gotten tangled and sent him sprawling across the floor. Either way she had her clear shot, and took it without a second thought.
-x-
Once Myung-Ki was down, it was easy enough for Holly to retrieve the foils - and Artemis - from the floor.
"Thanks," he said shortly, more due to an inability to catch his breath than anything else.
Holly shrugged and pocketed her blaster. "It was you who ducked."
In unison, they turned to the renowned fencer and the rigged foils to begin the monumental task of cleaning up the mess.
-x-
The ride back to Haven was quiet as neither Artemis nor Holly were ready to have a conversation, even if they had somehow entered a reluctant truce.
At one point, Holly holed herself up in the furthest corner of the shuttle from Artemis in order to make a call. Ceasefire or not, she was not about to pass up the opportunity to make his life just a little bit more difficult.
Juliet answered on the first ring. "Hey, Holly! How's life in the underground?"
"You wouldn't believe what almost killed Artemis today!"
"Oh?" Juliet shifted in her seat, leaning forwards with a grin. "Do tell."
-x-
The next day, Artemis arrived early to the LEPFoul office. As much as they had first protested the location of their department, the thrumming of the boilers slipping into gear for the morning was almost soothing. At his elbow rested a mug of decaf Earl Grey tea, and he sipped it slowly as he ran through the projections his systems had compiled overnight. He always was most productive before noon.
"We need to talk, Mud Boy."
And then the moment was gone. He did not turn around to greet Holly, his voice low.
"If this is about the incident in Singapore, I had been operating under the impression that we had a mutual agreement to leave that in the past?" All the same, Artemis closed down his screen and stretched. He hadn't quite managed to remove all the debris from the surface before Holly hopped up to sit on it - in the future, he really would have to ensure that all interns knew to leave his work area untouched.
"Yes and no. Last night, I called Juliet. Thought she'd find the fencing story funny, but while we were talking, she finally told me the real reason you've been coming to Haven alone these last few weeks."
Artemis barely stifled a groan. "I suppose you're going to insist on talking about it, then."
"Yes, Arty, you suppose right. This explains a lot. You're worried for Butler's health, disappointed that it took you so long to determine that he was unwell, and angry that he didn't tell you about it sooner. That's how I'd feel. And, making matters worse, it's frustrating to be unable to pretend it doesn't bother you." Holly folded her arms across her chest, her gaze level. Surprisingly enough, it was Artemis who blinked first. His usual reaction to such psychoanalysis involved a combination of sarcasm, deflection, and application of his own studies on the topic. Coming from Holly, however, the assessment simultaneously cut deeper and was easier to stomach. He found he had no defense.
"Perceptive," admitted the human after a moment's pause.
The elf flashed a grin. "Artemis Fowl, you forget that I've been trained to read people. More than that, I know you. It turns out it's impossible to fix something that's been broken without getting a fairly good idea how it works."
"I resent that."
"You shouldn't. Look - I'm not your parents, your bodyguard, or your therapist. I'm your friend. I'm worried about Butler too, but there's nothing we can do about that other than to keep him from worrying about you. So, here's something that always cheers me up." Her hand drifted to the weapons belt at her waist, a twist of her wrist freeing Artemis's LEP-issued Neutrino from where she kept it. The Neutrino was useless to her, of course, being coded to the human's DNA, but she had reluctantly agreed to carry it close at hand all the same. Now, she set the weapon down on the desk between them. "Good old-fashioned violence."
"Pardon?"
She really did try not to laugh at the expression on his face. "Don't look at me like that, Mud Boy. I booked us two lanes at the shooting range. You've been issued a weapon, but that doesn't mean you could hit the broad side of a troll if your life depended on it. It'll set Butler's mind at ease to know you're working on your aim, and I'll probably sleep a bit better, too, knowing you're not going to accidentally shoot me in the back." She paused for emphasis. "Besides, we've already established that fighting with pointy sticks isn't exactly your strong point."
There was a lot Artemis could have said in response to that, and so he settled for sarcasm. "I wasn't aware it was possible to discern which side of a troll is supposed to be the broad one." He nonetheless resigned himself to the bout of target practice. He supposed, all things considered, it would be a good experience for him. Holly beamed.
"You've met enough of them, you tell me."
"You've - you've met trolls!" piped a bleary-eyed Caltrop from the doorway. He'd clearly just arrived for the morning. One hand clutched a mug of warm sim-coffee; the other reached to adjust his gill tank, bubbles rising from it in alarm.
"So many trolls," said Holly with a smirk. "It's why he never leaves home without a troll contingency plan."
"You're joking, right?" The poor sprite didn't quite seem to know if he should be fascinated or terrified. His gills fluttered in uncertainty.
"Really, Chlorella," said Artemis. "You should know by now that I never joke about anything as serious as trolls. Come to think of it - if a troll were to storm this boiler room, how would you respond?"
"What?"
"Think about it. I know what I'd do, and I expect a proper answer from you, as well. My laser pointer may help you with that but it seems to have gone missing." Artemis arched an eyebrow. "Have it figured out by the time Holly and I return from the shooting range."
"Wait!" Caltrop looked as though he might faint. "They actually trusted you with a gun!?"
-x-
Next Time:
EPISODE 1.06: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE - Foul Team has to catch up with Demia and Becquerel when a mysterious source leads the two Changelings underground in a bid to force the LEP's hand.
-x-
Author's Notes:
This is the obligatory mid-season crack episode. Also the episode where everybody rediscovers their inner five year-old. Can you tell?
Also, I know we tend to promise fic and then not deliver, but Winged and I are in unanimous agreement: the "Mulch teaches Artemis how to properly pick locks" one-shot WILL be forthcoming, and soon.
Thank you, as always, for reading! -Freud
Speaking of promising fic, I'm working on my version of Maps again. Apologies for letting Freud promise it would be up soon when obviously it's taken longer. Hopefully, if things work out, I'll get it up before the next episode of FT. We'll see.
In other news, for anyone who's interested, Freud and I are both participating in the 3 Sentence Ficathon (link through our profile). All sorts of fandoms are showing up there, so we encourage you to join in - it's super easy and a ton of fun!
Thanks again for the R&R. You all are amazing! - Winged