Warning: AU after S3 finale although it contains spoilers for S4 and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland
The air filling her lungs is clear, fresh, with this specific scent it acquires after the storm, the one that makes her feel more pure, a bit lighter. She does not even realize where she is heading until the air changes. "He smells like forest" she once said to Snow. At the time it was meant to be an insult towards him, a reminder that she would never be a person her step-daughter could joke around with and a reprimand for herself because although she was so utterly heartbroken there was something about the thief that unnerved her in a very specific way. It was such a forgotten emotion she was not able to identify it for a very long time. It took even longer to admit to herself what it was changing into.
The scent surrounds her, engulfs in the memories she does not want to reminiscence but that are impossible to ignore. They are always at the verge of her mind, hiding, waiting for the briefest moment of weakness to strike, rip her apart, leaving her breathless, broken, bleeding on the inside, reminding of being worthless, never enough for anybody... A case lost from the very beginning.
A sharp sound of a broken twig behind her startles her. She turns around, half expecting to see something dangerous lurking in the shadowy bushes, someone eager to take a chance on getting rid of the Evil Queen for good. Her right hand twitches instinctively, magic immediately builds up in her, ready to protect its wielder. She does not even notice it, does not conjure a fireball nor disappears – there is no energy or will in her anymore.
She is greeted with big, smiling eyes and a cute little smile.
"Hi."
His voice is low but happy. He looks so young and innocent, too pure to even stay in the company of someone like her. And yet he does not seem to be afraid.
"I am hiding. Will you help me?"
He smiles confidentially at her as if he was sharing a secret. His small hand finds hers, pulling her down while the other one shows her where to kneel so that they would not be found.
"Roland, honey, where are your mama and papa? Do they know you are hiding here alone?"
She feels a finger on her lips, his face showing him struggling whether to talk to her and explain everything or remain quiet for the sake of staying hidden. There is a fleeting warm feeling inside her right, for the briefest of moments she revels in the child's attention. Roland leans towards her and finally starts whispering in her ear.
"We need to be quiet or mama will find us. And then you will not have time for me again. She says you are busy. But we can stay here a bit, right?"
Her heart clenches painfully but she just nods and lets him carry on. The boy apparently has already forgotten what hiding includes because the more he talks, the wider his gestures become, his voice also no longer hushed.
"Mama hugs too much. And she does not let me play alone. I am a big boy, papa always says. And she says I am little and have to stay with her all the time."
He spreads his hands to show her how long that is and she feels as if something is breaking inside her all over again.
"Roland, do you remember when we were in the Enchanted Forest? You said once I looked sad all the time. My son Henry could not be with us and I was missing him very very much. He did not even remember me and it hurt here, in my heart. When I found him again, I was so happy and I wanted to see him constantly. With your mama is the same. She loves you very much and missed you terribly. And when you love someone, you want to be with them, play together, hug very strongly. Do you understand?"
"Mama was sad?"
His clear eyes are full of tears now. It tempts her to spin this situation around, to let Her hurt at least slightly as much as she is hurting for so very long. She knows the influence she has on the little boy who has been quite taken with her since she saved him from the flying monkey. The toy she gave him become a constant playmate for the little boy, he rarely even went to sleep without it. As the months passed, she realized that they managed to form kind of a friendship. He was the only one who saw her as just the person he liked to spend time with, without the baggage of her being the Evil Queen, a burden or someone who is broken beyond repair. It would be so easy to use it against them… But she has come too far for this. She cannot imagine hurting him like that just as she cannot put someone else through the kind of pain that was tearing her apart. She almost wants to want this but is no longer able to. And so she turns her head so that their eyes are on the same level and tries to make him understand.
"Yes, honey, you are her baby, it hurt her she could not be with you. You are a big boy just as your papa says so you need to help her to not be sad. I believe you can do it."
The hug he gives her is strong, warm and full of gratitude. She knows she needs to take him back to his family but for now she just lets herself feel.
"And now you want to steal my son away as well?"
The voice is even, emotionless. She looks at her with disdain in her eyes, not even realizing she understands it is suppose to keep hurt and betrayal from her. She slowly gets up, untangling herself from Roland's embrace.
"Do not be silly, mama. You cannot steal people. Regina was helping me being a big boy and now you will be happy."
His smile is like a sunshine in a frosty day – warm and beautiful but not nearly enough to make either of them feel less cold. The boy does not see that, he never stops smiling, clearly proud of himself for understanding her and pronouncing her name in a correct manner for the first time.
She hates her, she thinks, hates the fact that her mere existence managed to destroy her so completely, starting an avalanche of events which left her cut open with a bleeding soul and irreparably broken heart. She cannot stand it even more that none of this is Marian's fault, that she is just a victim in the whole mess. But the thing she hates the most it that she knows it is herself she hates with all she has left. She is the one who destroys everything she touches, the poison killing her own soul and she should have known better than to ever believe she would be enough for anybody. She never was and never deserved it.
She takes her son in her arms but does not say another word. Her eyes speak loudly enough…
"There may come a day when you will feel all of this is too much…"
She surprises even herself by speaking.
"Ask Charming how he knew that Snow swallowed the poisonous apple. Then go to Dr. Hopper, he will have something to help you."
She catches Roland's eyes and manages to smile a little in goodbye. Without another word she turns around and leaves. The whole time she can feel Marian's scorching gaze, burning away what was yet unbroken in her.
Thank you for reading.