1DISCLAIMER: Blah Blah Blah Blah We Blah Blah Blah Blah Own Blah Blah Blah Blah None Blah Blah Blah Blah Of Blah Blah Blah Blah The Blah Blah Blah Blah Sony And Nintendo Characters Blah Blah Blah Blah Featured In This Story Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah.
Introduction to Chapter 6
Things were looking grim for Sony at this point. Unable to regroup with their allies, some of the heroes were being held prisoner by the evil Shade or his minions. The others were traversing through the realm. Stone Cold, Raiden, Cool Spot and Coco were all transported into what seemed to be a giant, metal storeroom. Among them were the members of Nintendo, Mario and Ocelot. As they all gathered together to try and figure out what had happened, they found out they were not alone...
Underground Base
"I need to change my panties," Raiden cried. Cool Spot was whistling as he posed for 7UP bottles. Stone Cold kept himself busy by defending his championship against various boxes and light fixtures around the room. Mario was trying to open the only door to the room, but to no avail. It was bolted shut from the other side. Coco was sitting on a box next to Ocelot, who was leaning against one of the walls of the room. Attempting to figure out what was going on, they shared what they knew about the situation. "Do you remember anything that happened back in that forest?" Ocelot questioned the young, furry female. "That... Shade guy... he attacked us... he decimated our strongest allies with the help of that traitor, Sephiroth, and some Belmont guy. Afterwards, he threw us all into some portal. When we woke up, we were here. How did you get here?" she asked the man who was eating hot french fries at the moment. "When I escaped from that castle, I saw it... move..." he started, dropping his fries while his arm trembled with the intensity of a thousand exploding crotch-goblins, which can be pretty nasty at times. "I watched that castle come to life and attack you guys, which didn't bother me that much at first seeing as I reside in Valley of Living Castles, Pennsylvania. However, when I saw it assaulting my fellow Nintendo brethren, I ran back. Before I could get close enough to unleash my mighty wrath, some storm trooper attacked me, from behind of course. If it were face to face I would've raped his face." Coco just stared at him in false admiration. "Right... of... course you would have..." "Anyway, I forgot to mention that I was also fending off a fortress full of flaming death at the same time, which is the only reason why the storm trooper got the best of me. He knocked me unconscious. Of course, he must have used a .45 magnum. Otherwise, I would have welcomed the bullets with open arms." Stone Cold sighed at the ridiculous arrogance protruding from Ocelot's being. He then stunnered that sigh and beat it in a steel cage match. "Anyway, when I woke up I was here with you people..." Ocelot finished... all over her face... "Enough with sick innuendo!" Raiden moaned. "It's creeping me out, silly!" Cool Spot jumped in front of Raiden, thus ending his next sentence before he started it... get it? 'Cause Cool Spot is a period and periods end sentences? God damn, people don't appreciate a good pun like they used to...
Suddenly, they heard the door being opened. "Hide!" Ocelot shouted as he shoved Coco out of the way and hid like a coward. The rest of them hid behind crates and boxes as best they could. Coco watched as two men walked in, one dressed in a black and blue ninja-like suit, the other in black and yellow. They dragged in a large chunk of ice containing what looked like people in it... "Dante!" Coco let out a shriek by accident. The man in blue looked over and held his hand up. As Coco tried to scream, she was frozen where she stood. Mario ran to help her but he, too, met the same, frozen fate. Raiden looked in his purse and found out he was out of lip gloss, causing him to freeze like his allies. Stone Cold looked at Ocelot who, in return, looked at Ocelot. "I'm amazing," he said to Ocelot while jerking off to a picture of Ocelot. "Get over here!" the man in yellow shouted as a large, metal snake erupted from the palm of his hand. Stone Cold, however, thought of a cunning idea within seconds. He ran and jumped over the ice block containing Dante and the other figures, causing the metal snake to collide with the ice and shatter it, freeing it's hostages. "Oh, hell yeah!" Stone Cold stunnered. "Scorpion... Sub-Zero..." Dante started. "Feel the wrath of hell, you son-bitch!" As he said this, Sean Conn... err... James Bond stood up and threw Dante his guns and his infinite ammo. "Here, shonny!" he shouted. "Thish should do the trick!" Scorpion and Sub-Zero took a fighting stance as Dante, 007, Stone Cold and Ocelot prepared for battle.
Dante and Bond went right for the freeze-fuck, firing everything they had at him as he froze every bullet ever made. 007 rolled to his right and took cover as he tried to fix his jammed gun. Dante ran out of infinite ammo again and withdrew his flaming sword. To his surprise, however, Sub-Zero also pulled out a sword, except his was glowing with a cold, blue aura around it. "Let's feel the burn," Sub taunted. "Freeze!" Dante punned back. "You're such a hot head," the ninja responded. "Getting cold feet?" Dante snapped back. "Turn up the heat." "Chill out." "If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen." "You're so cold hearted." As the two men continued their verbal war, their two swords looked at each other, shrugged, and then commenced in a friendly game of chess. Scorpion went right after Ocelot, who withdrew his revolver and took aim. Before he could fire, however, he was distracted by his own reflection in the mirror he had attached to the weapon, and he immediately began baby-talking to the person in the reflection. "Who's an amazing, big man? You are! Yes you are!" As he did this, Scorpion used his huge metal snake to constrict his enemy and steal his weapon. "No!" Ocelot screamed as his mirror fell violently to the floor and shattered to pieces like a mirror shattering to pieces of a mirror that shattered to pieces. He fell to his knees and cried. "Now how do I remind myself how amazing I am?" "That's the bottom line!" Austin shouted at Austin, Texas. He ran up and met Scorpion's face with his feet in a drop-kicking fashion, knocking the ninja back a few decibels. Shut the hell up and don't try to correct me in my measurements. "Come here!" Scorpion shouted in a ridiculously obnoxious yelling-type fuck. Stone Cold leapt to the side and dodged a flurry of attack-fists, none of which belonged to Scorpion oddly enough. "That's a Casablanca Spankin'!" the bald sweaty man shouted. "Huh?" 007 asked Britishly. "I have tourettes syndrome," Austin erupted furiously. As 007 guffawed with delight, Scorpion kicked the gun from his hands. "Cool off," Dante continued with his opponent. "Great balls of fire," Sub-Zero responded.
Finally, as the two valiant warriors could no longer think of stupid puns, they withdrew their already withdrawn weapons and an epic sword fight ensued, one that was so incredible I cannot write the description for it here lest your eyes punch each other in the face until you give birth to your own death, which would be all kinds of crazy. "Good show," Bond said as the four girls that were also in the ice had thawed out in his pants. As the battle died down, Sub-Zero took one mighty swing at Dante, but the demon hunter fell to the floor, kicked out his opponent's feet, and held his sword to the ninja's neck. "Not so fast," he started. "It wouldn't be good to lose your head, would it?" "Not a great way to get ahead of the game," was his enemy's reply. Meanwhile, Stone Cold finally had Scorpion where he wanted him: in a position that was not where he didn't want him, but where he had been planning for him to be in all along in order to be in the specific spot that he knew was right where he had wanted him to be and not the place he didn't ever want him to be, unlike where he wanted him to be. This sentence confused Scorpion so much that he got caught off guard long enough for Austin to deliver a devastating stunner, breaking Scorpion's neck instantly. Before there was any time to celebrate, however, an alarm sounded throughout the room. "WARNING: SCORPION'S ESOPHAGUS HAS BEEN BREACHED, TRIGGERING THE SELF DESTRUCT MECHANISM OF THE BUILDING. TEN MINUTES 'TIL SELF DESTRUCT." "Oh, great," Sub-Zero started. "This could turn out to be an explosive experience." "Give it a rest, will 'ya?" Dante said as they tried to figure out how to escape in time...
Shade Meets With The Ulmer
"Sbarro," Shade shouted to his big buff barbarian bodyguard. "Cancel my 3o'clock baby wrenching appointment. I have some business to attend to." "Yes, my liege," some of the guard's muscles responded. Shade put on his Rudolph the red nose reindeer-skin cape and started walking out of his mighty fortress in the direction of That Way. "Where are you going, sir?" Vincent asked from the shadows. "I have to meet up with an old friend of mine, Moses Ulmer," the man replied as he wiped the goat's blood from his lips. "Shall I accompany you?" the vampire-man thing guy asked. "If you wish to," Shade said, belching out pieces of baby face. The two men stalked along the marshes and molten terrain towards That Way. "Careful, my liege," Vince said to Shade who was currently skull-fucking a unicorn. "These lands are infested with pocket goblins." "Pocket whatins?" Shade asked quickly. "Pocket goblins. Goblins small enough to fit in your pocket. They use magical spells and mind tricks. Be careful..." Fortunately for them, they did not encounter any pocket goblins. Unfortunately for them, within five seconds they were lost somewhere between neutral Switzerland and the Mexican border. "We'll need food soon," Vince said to his master as night quickly plummeted down upon their faces. "Way ahead of you," Shade replied as he devoured a stalk of corn smothered in 'I can't believe it's not baby!' "Shade, you are a despicable person and the epitome of the kind of grimy shit you find clogged in a thousand-year-old plumbing system. I couldn't be happier working with anyone else." Two days later, they arrived at Ulmer's pyramid in central That Way, just west of This Way. As Shade knocked at the giant doors...
"Who goes there?" a great, fat voice rang out. "It is I, Shade!" "Shade, you old bastard!" the voice echoed again, even fatter this time. "Come in, come in... wait... you DID bring food, didn't you?" "Well... I clipped my toenails this morning..." Shade replied. "Wonderful news! I'll have the wife cook them up right away! Come right in!" he shouted as he devoured every word that had been spoken. Shade and Vincent sat down at a big table and waited for Ulmer to join them. He walked in a few minutes later as the room was quickly filled to three times it's legal capacity. "So, what can I do for you today? Eat your faces? HAHA I'm just kidding, of course. I wouldn't eat my friends. Well, ok, not my CLOSE friends, at least." The two men stared at each other and then back at Ulmer. "Actually, I heard that you were training an army in the arts of fudgitsu. I came with a little proposition for you. I'd like you to join forces with me and help me rid this realm of those Sony and Nintendo vermin. As soon as they're out of the picture, I can go into their realms and be the ruler of all three worlds!" "What are you, jokin' me?" Ulmer ate. "Why should I help YOU gain more power? I'm an amazing piece of history myself, ya know? Did I ever tell you about how I was responsible for the franchising of Rita's Water Ice? Or how about how I outran the cops when I was four? I was climbing buildings and jumping on roofs like Spider-Man! You've gotta be jokin' me, ya know? I don't sell out for cheap, ya know?" "What are you doing?" Vincent asked as Ulmer gnawed on his femur. "Propositioning you," he replied. "Anyways, what do you plan on offering me for my great army?" Shade pulled out something he had created with a magic spell, something so glorious in Ulmer's eyes that he couldn't contain himself and he let out his excitement... all over his face... ENOUGH! "Is that an endless bag of jelly doughnuts!" Ulmer exclaimed, as is apparent by the exclamation point after the question mark used to describe what he said and how he said it. Shade nodded and smiled as he removed the pig's heart from his hat and placed it in his hat. "You have yourself a deal, sir!" Ulmer said in between bites of jelly delight. "I'll have them ready for you in about a week, pal." "Excellent," Shade said, but not like Mr. Burns does. That would be very unoriginal of him to do. Shade and Vincent left and started their journey back to Shade's shady lair...
The Gorge of Canyons
""That mother-lovin' cock stomper!" Snake shouted as the heroes fended off legions of Shade's Canyon Cadavers. "Why did that bastard have to teleport us HERE?" "Because he's a coward. He knew he couldn't take us on himself," Konville said as he hacked away at his foes. McLister showed his discontent with the situation by tending to his Leprechaun garden. "This isn't the time for growing tiny Irishmen!" Myth yelled while she killed the dead. "This is fuck-diculous," Snake said, using Hal's body as a killing machine shaped like a human body. Suddenly, about a hundred more Canyon Cadavers appeared from various caves, graves, and raves. Obviously, the ones coming from raves weren't a real threat. "Oh, scrotal suds," Snake said. "Retreat! Run! Follow! Me! Fragments!" Konville shouted grammatically incorrectly. "Where do you suggest we run to?" Myth scolded Konville. "There are giant walls everywhere!" she screamed as her amazing versatile legs pulled a giant wall from her taint. "Theoretically, we're boxed in," Ottacon said in his unconsciousness. "I know a perfect way for us to escape to the top of the gorge!" Konville finally shouted. Insert amazing escape method here. "Wow, that was an amazing plan!" Snake said, patting Konville on the back. "It was so awesome that we should never speak of it again," Ottacon said, now fully awake and able to move on his own. They looked straight across at the terrain that lied ahead of them. "What's with these shenanigans?" Snake asked, dipping his hand into his bag of Tifa's bras. "Wonderful," Konville said as he faced himself in the punch. "We escaped the canyon to trek across this barren wasteland..."
"Look at this," Vincent murmured to Shade. "Blast it all to bloody hell!" Shade replied in between bites of his Kentucky Fried Children. "Those fools escaped from the fire caverns! And what's this? Snake and that science nerd of his were in the ice caves! They should all be dead!" "Well," Vincent said, "that can still be arranged..." Shade stopped chewing the hearts of the innocent and smiled...
"What was that?" Hal asked nervously. "That's the sound of a million ass-kickings heading your way if you don't shut up," Snake replied as he readied his million legs. "No, he's right," Konville said. "Something is... wrong..." Before anything else could be said, they saw a storm trooper running at them. "Oh, something's wrong alright," Snake said. "This guy is walking right into my foot up his ass." As he said this, however, the oncoming solder sprouted huge, devilish wings and quickly took flight. "What the million-piece jigsaw puzzle?" Ottacon shouted, finishing his billion-piece jigsaw DNA strand. The Demon-Trooper flew in circular motions in a square pattern to the triangle degree as it shot at the Sony heroes, rendering them unable to escape at all. "Maybe we can escape!" Konville said, apparently not reading the previous fuck sentence. "Well, well... it seems you escaped my glorious Gorge," said Shade while Indian-fucking Curious George. "Oh, I love rhyming sentences... anyway, where was I? Oh yes..." He withdrew his arms, which withdrew his hands, which withdrew the air around his sword, which finally withdrew a machine gun. "Let's tango and cash," he said to Konville, throwing his machine gun away and grabbing the sword like he should've done in the first place. "I don't know what that means, but fine," was Konville's reply. The two warriors flew into the air as their battle commenced. Meanwhile Snake, McLister, Hal and Myth were having problems fighting Vincent in his new Demon form. "Who are you?" Hal shouted to the sky, causing McLister's face to erupt tiny dogs. "My poodles!" he yelped in dismay as he shoved them back in immediately. "It doesn't matter who I am," Vincent laughed. "You're all gonna die now anyway!" But McLister's rage grew to new heights, heights as big as a guy named Big McLargeHuge. "My... POODLES!" he screamed as he jumped up onto the Demon's air it was breathing and proceeded to bombard him with bombardments of rabid poodles. Finally, they both fell to the ground below. As McLister's muscles wept for 0.00006 seconds, Vincent flew off...
"It's no use! BLOCK! PARRY! BLOCK!" Shade shouted, blocking and parrying all of Konville's attacks. But Konville was relentless. "Thundaga!" he screamed as lightning struck and surrounded him. He flew towards Shade and finally took the offensive, kicking him in his shady neck. "WHY!" Shade burst, oozing magma from his eyes. "You aren't untouchable after all," Konville taunted. As soon as Konville tried charging at him again, however, Shade held his hand out. "Vintasm!" he shouted, causing Konville to lose control and fall to the ground. "Until we meet again," Shade yelled angrily as he flew off into the distance...
Everywhere and Nowhere
STARBUCKS! CLOCK STORE! All the madness continued as the Riddler trained Goku in the ways of masterminding confusion and opening certain portals throughout the realm that took the shape of random items, such as water fountains and other things I can't think of because at this point I've lost all desire to finish any descriptions ever again. "You are almost ready for your portal training," Riddler said as they walked into McDonald's. Goku responded by ordering a coffee coolatta because they were in Dunkin Donuts. "Yes, my friend. Embrace the confusion. Make it your own. Control it. Use it. You're doing great," said the off-ramp formerly known as the Riddler. "And now... a test..." It happened so quickly that Goku barely avoided injury to his left nose. By the time he turned to face his foe, the giant Ass-Clown began his second attack. Goku removed his face and glued it to his hamster seeing as they were in the store 'Everything Except Hamsters'. This caused the Ass-Clown to drown in a Puddle Of Mudd. "BLURRY!" Goku erupted. He back-flipped off of a nearby wall and scissor-kicked the Ass-Clown's clowny ass. As the enemy stood up, Goku hijacked an elderly woman and kamikaze-dove her into the foe's freakishly fettered face, fatally. "Excellent," the Riddler said in delight. "You are now ready to be taught to locate and open various portals around Niv Leseid." Goku pointed to a nearby box of raging baboons and belched, thus opening a portal. "My work here is obviously done," his mentor mentally menstruated... all over his face... Goku leapt through the portal and began his journey to a much better period... of time... not... nevermind...
Underground Base
"WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT!" Stone Cold had thawed out Coco and was attempting to see if she was doing alright by screaming at her ovaries repeatedly. "You think you're so cool," Dante said. "You're not so hot yourself," Sub-Zero replied. "NINE MINUTES 'TIL DEADLINE. GET IT? DEAD line? HA HA HA." the computer voice sounded out like a heartless, emotionless black hole that sucks in thousands of Ethiopian orphans every second just to show how cruel it can be. "This can't possible be possible! It's not fair! We gotta get outta here!" Ocelot continued to shout. "I'm too God to die!" "Well what do you suggest we do?" Coco shrieked over all the screams and puns. "Austin has lost his mind, you're too busy fantasizing about yourself, Cool Spot is asleep in my boobs, and Raiden is... well, Raiden!" Upon hearing this, Raiden ate his purse and shat out a cinder block, bacon, and a sword that came out sideways. "I am not a gay, or woman! I'm a masculine specimen of human masculinity and manliness!" As soon as he finished this sentence, the entire room broke into laughter. "I've had it!" he exploded. He walked over to Austin and gave him an earth-shattering, thundering, Eskimo-raping stunner. "Holy shit," Dante exclaimed. Raiden kicked down the door to the storage room and pulled his machine gun out of his penis, which turned out to be huge and not non-existent as we all had thought considering he's a fuadventurous fucknugget. Upon learning all these truths, Stone Cold immediately began crying for no apparent reason.
The rest of the heroes, stunned beyond the comprehension of the human mind, found themselves doing what they never wanted to do in their entire lives: standing before Raiden as he had just whipped something out of his pants. As they all stood at the door, about a dozen or so ninja guards began to flood the hallways surrounding the storage room the allies had been kept in. "Halt," they shouted. Raiden's reply was a thousand bullets to each of his enemies' faces. He continued firing until nothing else stood in his way. "You've... KILLED... all my men..." he heard a voice echo from around the corner. He readied his gun again but found that there was no ammo left. "Your... AMMO... has depleted..." the voice said again in an odd way. "Oh, no," Ocelot said. "That voice... the sentence structure... it could only be one person..." "What? Who? Who is it, Ocelot?" Coco asked. "It's... William Shatner!" Within seconds, Raiden found himself face to face with the Shat man himself. "You... WON'T... get away with this... You... CAN'T... escape my base..." he said in the proper shength, or Shatner-length sentences. He withdrew the Star Trek Enterprise as he faced off with Raiden. "So be it, then," Raiden replied, withdrawing the samurai sword he had stolen back from the brick wall. You remember, the brick wall?
-Flashback-
"Cover me!"
-End Flashback-
That about explains everything. "You guys get outta here, now! I'll take care of Shatty McFuckFace, here," Raiden shouted to his comrades who weren't planning on helping him out at all anyway. As all of these events were taking place, a portal opened up in Raiden's ass. Goku poked his head out of the ass portal, looked back and forth for a minute or so, and then proceeded to vomit large ropes from his eyes. The ropes swung around everyone except Raiden and Shatner, who were too busy in their battles poses to do much of anything else, especially battle. "Goku! We can't just leave Raiden!" Ocelot said. However, he corrected himself seconds later. "Let's go. We have to leave Raiden. It's the only way. It's the only event to make this story move on anymore from this point. It has to be this way. Leave him in the building that's about to self-destruct with him in it. Be a hero. End this damn sentence!" The rope pulled them all through the portal, which must've looked pretty funny to watch because the portal was at Raiden's ass and, well... you had to be there. Trust me, it was funny. "I'm... ATTACKING... from the left flank..." Shatner threatened. "Let's dance," Raiden replied...
Underground Base: Storage Room
"Hello? It's-a-me, Mario! I'm-a still locked in here. Hello? Hello?" "SELF DESTRUCT IN 5...4...3...2...1..." "Oh-a, boy..."
Cloud: The Real Promised Land?
Cloud had spent the last few days searching far and wide for Sephiroth, but he was nowhere to be found. As he sat down to a nice lobster dinner, he was approached by a frail-looking man-goat. "Excuse me, sir. Would you mind sparing some food? As you can see, I'm pretty frail-looking and goat-man like." Not thinking anything of it, Cloud gave up half of his lobster. The second the lobster touched the creature's tongue, the creature turned into a beautiful woman. "You are the one we've been waiting for, Cloud," the woman sex. "Only the chosen one would be the one to fulfill the prophecy." "What prophecy?" Cloud asked, choking down his lobster. "The prophecy of the Promised Land states that the chosen one will come and offer up half of his shellfish dinner to an elderly man-goat who in reality is a beautiful woman who will have much sex with the chosen one." Cloud immediately needed a change of underwear. And pants. And skin. Use your imagination with that last one. "But before the sex, you must lead the glorious Promised Army to victory with the help of your allies in Sony. Here, come with me," she said as she touched his shoulders. "Oh, trust me, I'm coming..." And he did... all over her not finishing this fuck sentence even though I was only one word away from finishing it and that word was only four letters long and would've been simple to write if I had just typed the damn thing already face. God, I loathe your existence...
"By the way, my name is Jenna, but most people just call me by my initials, JJ." Cloud shifted what seemed to be a freight train in his pocket and followed JJ through a large crystal doorway. She led him up about 5,434,233,200 stairs minus whatever number I just said plus negative 30 because they went down, not up. "Come, we must speak with the headmaster. He will want to see you and be sure that you are truly the one." "And if I'm not the chosen one?" Cloud asked nervously. "Oh, then we'll watch as rabid squirrels rip your sack apart with rusty hooks," JJ replied casually. As Cloud jerked off for what could be the last time, they reached a set of huge, golden doors. "Enter!" a voice rang out from the other side of the doors. As the doors opened, Cloud saw the last person he'd ever expected to see in a position like this. "Will you take the red pill or the blue pill?" the man asked with a smile. "Neo!" Cloud shouted as he ran up to his old war buddy from a chapter or two ago. Go back and read it. Now. So anyway, this giant cucumber walks into a bar... ah fuck I'm supposed to be writing a story not knock-knock jokes... "What happened to you back in the woods? Weren't you fighting Samus or something like that?" "I don't remember. The author doesn't feel like looking through the other chapters to see what happened to me, so we'll go with yes, I was fighting Samus. Anyway, we flew off in battle. I told her I knew kung-fu and she just laughed herself to death. Do I really come off as that much of a weakling?" Cloud just stifled his laughter as he laughed in Neo's face. "Look, Neo," Cloud said as he recharged his non-rechargeable batteries. "I don't have time to be messing around now. Our friends are being split up all over the realm of Niv Leseid as we speak. This guy Shade is taking control of everything. He is using Sephiroth and some Trevor Belmont guy to help him take over Niv Leseid, and soon enough, all of the other realms. We have to fight back!" Neo lit a cigarette and threw the match carelessly at a nearby tree, causing Smokey the Bear to vomit with rage. "What are you thinking, Neo?" Cloud asked him. "Cloud... at a time like this, one must look deep inside himself and ask... what are the similarities between long-john underwear, kiwis, and the state of Utah?" Cloud's head immediately exploded all over the room. "Yes, my friend. Let it all out," the seemingly deep-minded yet undeniably fuck-brained man said. "Where are you going with all of this crap?" Cloud asked impatiently as he tried to piece together the remnants of his face.
"There is a battle... no... a war on the horizon. It has almost reached, and it will last for many, many chapters, God-willing the author doesn't mysteriously stop writing, or die, or stop dying, or write, or some other variation of stuff. You are here to seek help, and help you have found, my friend..." As he said this, he smiled a big grinning smiling grin. JJ walked back in the room with a keycard in her hand. She slid the card through a keycard sensor on Neo's desk, thus opening a secret door in the room. "Come, my friend, and see what's in store for us, for the war, for the future..." They walked through the door, which led to a series of tunnels with doors. Neo led them through door after door, each one leading them to everywhere except for the room they wanted to go to. One door led to the sun, another to a bottomless pit full of pits. One of the rooms just exploded in their faces. "I can't take it anymore!" Cloud shouted at Neo. "I'M picking the next door!" "You finally learned... the chosen one must open the door," Neo said. "Why didn't you just say that?" Cloud asked. "Reverse psychology," was Neo's reply. Noticing how much sense this didn't make, Cloud used reverse asskickology on Neo, causing him to believe he was getting his ass kicked. "Ok... I'll open... this one..." Cloud opened a door to his far right 45 degree angle to the second tangent. "Right choice, my friend," Neo said as they walked in...
Ulmer's Food Pyramid
"More gravy!" Ulmer belched at his servants. "But sir, you're eating frozen yogurt," the servant replied. "Don't question my authority! I want more gravy! And a jelly donut or ten would be nice." Ulmer was sitting down to a glorious feast consisting of fifteen sub-feasts, each with a side of Thanksgiving dinner. He mixed himself a margarodeo, which is his own concoction he made when he was in the womb. The drink consisted of a margarita and a rodeo bull's face, all in the skull of a defeated elephant and lit on fire. "Ahh, nothing like a flaming bull's face in an alcoholic drink. And the elephant's skull, oh boy. That just makes it so much more delectable." As he licked his fingers as an appetizer, Ulmer's minotaur bodyguard ran in wielding his axe. "Sir," he shouted in a deep voice. "It is time. A squadron of your army is ready for battle. The whole army may not be ready, but we have at least two-hundred troops ready and able for battle. Shall I commence attack on the puny mortals in the wastelands outside of Shade's lair?" Ulmer laughed with delight in between bites of his table. "Just let me finish my dinner first. Ok, I'm done," Ulmer said within three seconds. "Let the battle commence, Thorne. I'll be watching from my twizzler tower. Do not disappoint me..." "Of course not, your lardness," Thorne replied with a smile. "Come, Alpha Squadron! Commence battle!" "Yes, Sir!" came the shouts of two-hundred eager soldiers...
Shade's Dungeons
"Tifa, wake up!" Starr Girl shouted. Tifa finally started to snap out of it when suddenly, the figure stepped out of the portal. "Oh, shit," Tifa exclaimed as Trevor Belmont unraveled his long whip. "Now now, girls... just be good and there's no need for anyone to get hurt," he said sinisterly. "Kris, we can't take him," Tifa whispered. As she said this, Starr Girl remembered that she still had the lightsaber from her previous battle with the sith lord. She slowly withdrew it and, without warning, jumped up to attack Belmont. However, Trevor isn't that stupid or careless. He just laughed as a sort of purple electricity surrounded his whip, rendering it able to deflect the lightsaber without being burned through and falling apart. "Wonderful," he chuckled a sinister laughing guffaw of sorts. He quickly began fighting her off, making it look as if it were as easy as racing against Speed Racer along the side of the Great Wall of China while juggling flaming jugglers. "That's not easy!" Tifa said. "Of course it is," Belmont replied as he showed the slides of his vacation to China where he performed said task. While he was switching through slides, Goku flew out of the still-open portal and tackled Belmont against the wall, causing him to drop his whip and break his slide show. "Girls, jump in!" Lee Obe shouted from the portal. "Wait, how did you get into that portal? You haven't even been mentioned in this chapter yet!" Tifa asked. "It was implied! We were in the room in chapter five, and they all got out except Mario," Ketty Wynn exclaimed. "Now do you want to escape or not?"
Without hesitation, the two women jumped through the portal. Goku tried to follow, but was pulled back by Trevor who had picked up his whip and wrapped it around Goku's legs. "Goku!" Kris shouted. "C'mon, there's no time," Dante said. Goku tried to get away but couldn't escape the wrath of the whip. "Get your punk-ass back here," the dracula-hunting warrior shouted. Goku turned around and was finally able to do something about his predicament. "Foudehgouhoerhgheuou!" he shouted as his boots transformed into miniature hobgoblins. The furry fiends jumped up and down on Belmont's eyes, rendering him temporarily goblin-eyed. "NOW!" Dante shouted as Goku turned and flew through the portal. He shed a single tear as the portal closed, leaving his two hairy hobgoblins behind. "We have to get to the others, Goku," Starr Girl said. "We overheard Shade... there's an oncoming war, and we have to be there to help our friends." Goku, being serious for once in his life, removed his nipples and attached them to his feet, thus putting them in hyper-drive. They flew as fast as they could through the never..."
The Battlefield
"Snake... something is coming..." Konville said down to his fellow warrior from up in the sky. He was scouting out the surrounding area for a while and was able to locate some sort of pyramid made out of what seemed to be various sweets and assorted foods. In the opposite direction he found a giant, black castle shaped like a man slitting an old woman's throat. "That must be Shade's lair," he thought to himself. "But what's up with that pyramid...?" As he looked towards the tasty architecture, he saw a legion of squadron army squad's heading towards them. There were at least one hundred, from what he could make out, but most likely more than that because he left his awesome-eyes at home that morning. "Oh, fuckpuppies," he said out loud. "Guys! We're in a bit of trouble!" He flew down to the ground, and then about twenty feet into the ground because he had miscalculated how far up he was, even thought he was an inch off the ground. "What is it?" McLister carved a question into Ottacon's eyes. "My objects that allow me to use my sense of sight!" Hal screamed in pain. Konville burrowed back out of the ground and told the heroes what was happening. "There's a large army on its way towards us!" Snake responded by gargling the Atlantic Ocean. Then he spit the salt water into his own eyes to show how prepared he was for battle. "From my calculations," Ottacon started as he didn't do calculations, "we have about ten minutes until they arrive at this location. We should prepare for battle." As he said this, he had just finished making his fiftieth energy grenade, which explodes with a radius of twenty-five feet. Snake stabbed himself in both legs, both arms, his neck, back, and ass. "Why are you doing this?" Hal asked, concerned. "Making sure my knife is sharp enough." Konville withdrew his sword and swung it around for a bit seeing as he had nothing else to prepare for the battle. McLister repeatedly punched a nearby choir boy in the crotch. He then ate his own eyes and shat out two bigger, angrier, and stronger eyes and replaced them where his old sissy eyes once dwelled.
Without much of a warning besides the ten minute one Konville had just given, two-hundred troops marched right up to the heroes. In front of them was an eight-foot tall, angry minotaur with a huge axe. "Halt!" he shouted at his followers. "Game Konville, you have been charged with heresy!" "What in VIN's name are you talking about?" Konville asked. "Heresy is Moses Ulmer's word for not being made of food. Now it is time for you and your little friends to die at the hands of Thorne!" Snake coughed up blood that wasn't his and poured it into a garden gnome's pocket. "Save that for me, Gary," he whispered to the little guy, who smiled and winked as he disappeared. "You must be Snake," Thorne shouted in his ridiculously loud and deep voice. "I'm sorry someone as amusingly ridiculous as you are has to die now, but it is the will of Shade. Come, Army of Ulmer! Let us defeat these imbeciles quickly!" As they surrounded the heroes, Ottacon began to weep. "Maybe if there were a few more of you, you would've stood a chance," Thorne laughed. As he said this, however, a giant portal opened above the surrounded group of Sony warriors. "What the hell?" the minofuck bellowed. A giant laser beam shot out of the portal and destroyed a mountain. "That could only be Goku!" Konville shouted. Sure enough, Goku flew down and joined his allies. "So what?" Thorne snorted. "One more person won't make any difference." "Oh, but there'sh more than one of ush," a voice came from the portal as Bond fell out of it. "What is going on?" Ottacon asked scientifically. "Goku learned how to use theshe portalsh shomewhere," 007 responded. "We've come to help you guysh out!" Suddenly, Dante jumped out of the portal, followed by Ketty Wynn, Bria McRugby, Lee Obe and Amber Rebma. "Looks like it's time for a good old-fashioned ass beating," Dante laughed. "And I'm joining in," Sub-Zero said, following Dante. "You're helping us, now?" Dante asked. "I was under the impression that Shade was going to protect us, but he's already let many of my allies die. This is how it's going to be. I will aid you until Shade has fallen." Coco and Cool Spot came after them, followed by Ocelot's mirror, which fell to the ground. "Not again!" he cried as he jumped down. "If you wanna see these assjacks get a good mudhole-stompin', gimme a hell yeah!" Stone Cold shouted as he took a battle stance next to his pals. Tifa and Starr Girl jumped out of the opening and stood up, ready to fight as well. "Game!" Starr Girl shouted. "Kris, you're safe!" "Oh, isn't this sweet?" Thorne laughed. "The two lovers get to die together!" "Not if we can help it," Dante said. "This battle is over before it gets to begin." Thorne and his Army of Ulmer readied their axes and swords for battle. "This is where it ends, my dear friends..."
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