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Chapter Title: Absence and death are the same-only that in death there is no suffering. - Theodore Roosevelt.
Absence weakens mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out candles and kindles fires. -Francois de la Rouchefoucauld
Chapter Note: This is what I picture going through Shepard's head during a very sleepless night after the Freedom's Progress debrief. Slight Edit 8-5-10
Shepard had seen Tali and that was something, something comforting.
It was...frustrating...to know she was headed into danger...
Maybe that just couldn't be avoided. After all, she'd be in danger when she rejoined the squad, too. Shepard knew that. But...when all was said and done, Shepard preferred to have her friends in danger at a proximity that allowed her to minimize the threat and run interference.
Given the quarian reaction to the mention of Cerberus, Shepard had expected TIM to be less than enthusiastic about Tali, and it hadn't escaped her attention that he had spoken as though he had the right to grant-or deny-Tali's eventual inclusion in the squad, but-whether TIMmy-boy was ready to acknowledge it or not-Tali had said she was willing to help once her mission was complete, and that settled that.
Shepard had known about Wrex. Well...sort of. She'd seen him off to Tuchanka herself, a little more than a week after the Battle of the Citadel. She hoped the fact he hadn't left meant his efforts to instill a new set of priorities in the krogan were seeing some success. If so, at least he was one friend she could think of as both happy and safe.
She missed Kaidan.
That was part of it.
She wanted to talk to him, hear him say her name. She wanted to see the corners of his dark hazel eyes crinkle with joy, watch the ends of his mouth quirk in that smile that wasn't a smile, but the promise of smile that drove her to distraction...an anticipation only heightened by the frequent lack of fulfillment. From the moment she'd met him, before she'd even seen the suggestion, she'd been waiting for that smile. That smile that so rarely came.
She missed Kaidan...but...she wasn't surprised. She might have asked for him first, but she hadn't expected she'd be able to spend any extended amount of time with him...not yet.
If she'd been gone even a fraction of the time Cerberus claimed she had...and, unfortunately, Joker and Dr. Chakwas both made it sound as if Cerberus was completely on the up and up as far as that went...Kaidan would have been reassigned. Reassigned and on duty. Unable to drop everything and come running...however much she might wish he would.
However much he might like to...and there was a chance he might not. Not anymore.
Even if it had been less than two years, even if he hadn't forgotten whatever might once have been between them...duty had always come first with him. And it always would. Kaidan was a career man. The Alliance Navy was part and parcel of who he was...she couldn't ask him to compromise that.
Sometimes...she wished he would focus a little more on demonstrating his feelings for her and on maintaining the status quo a little less. After all, she sincerely doubted the Alliance wanted to give itself a black eye by criticizing humanity's first and only Spectre for breaking regs. Even if she was still technically Alliance...and they couldn't punish him for fraternization without dragging her into it.
But she didn't want to ask.
Still, she wanted-she needed-to talk to him, at least.
Hell...she still could...TIM couldn't-or, she suspected, wouldn't-help, but all she had to do was try Kaidan's old Alliance contact info. And Anderson's. And Hackett's. One of them had to hit. No need to panic.
Liara working for the Shadow Broker was more of a shock...if it was true. But, honestly, Liara had spent most of the chase after Saren shipside, digging through her own research and the Prothean data discs periodically recovered by the squad. If the search for the Reapers was now about the Collectors and not about the Protheans, the asari would probably be neither particularly interested nor particularly useful.
They were friends, and Shepard would love to see her again and catch up on old times...when the immediate threat was neutralized.
At least TIM had been able to tell her where to begin looking when she had time.
And that was what was bothering her...or who, really.
Garrus.
She'd asked about him right after Kaidan. Barely waited for an answer, in fact, because, she'd already expected Kaidan to be out of reach, but Garrus...Garrus would always be ready and willing to throw caution to the wind and lend her a hand when she needed it.
He was her friend. Her partner in non-regulation law enforcement, if not crime.
At least, she'd begun to think of him that way...and she'd thought...maybe...he had, too.
It bothered her...very much, actually, that even TIM couldn't tell her where he was. Not even as vaguely as he'd placed Liara or Kaidan.
She almost hoped he could and simply wouldn't...because Cerberus didn't like or trust aliens...or even because he was trying to control her by keeping her isolated from her friends...which seemed a bit less likely given the presence of Joker and Doctor Chakwas on the ship...but...
Even if that was part of it, a man who claimed information was his business was unlikely to cultivate the appearance of ignorance where it could be avoided. She tended to believe TIM would have placed Garrus...if he could.
If he couldn't...well, with luck, that was merely because Garrus was out and about on Spectre business, and keeping a low profile...though given her own experiences while they were chasing Saren, he'd have to be a miracle worker to manage it.
As a member of the Council, Anderson ought to have some idea how a Spectre could be contacted.
She wanted it to be that easy. But she had a nagging suspiscion in the pit of her stomach that Garrus was far more...missing...than that.
She hoped he was okay and feared he wasn't.
If the fate of humanity-and possibly all of galatic civilization-wasn't at stake again-or was it still?-she would have begun looking for him immediately. As it was...well...she was still tempted.
She might have done it. If she had known where to begin.
Aside from contacting Anderson. Which she would do.
She didn't believe it would do any good.
Still, Garrus couldn't have vanished. Not really. Not completely.
She'd just have to start looking for some way to find him. Maybe she could delegate. It would be something to distract her new yeoman from trying to discuss how she was "adjusting" to her "new situation" every few minutes.
Shepard smiled wryly, feeling a sudden spark of faint-but-definite satisfaction.