6. Dream On
Every time that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay
Aerosmith. "Dream On."
Warm water surrounded me as I floated on my back looking up at the sky tinged with lilac and deeper shades of purple. The only sound was the water slapping gently against my body. I let the water softly cocoon my body as I drifted with no purpose and no thoughts. I knew peace.
The sound of a small splash should have been a clue that my tranquil existence was about to be disturbed but I was too relaxed to pay attention. The sounds of water being disturbed were followed by waves that started pushing and pulling me in different directions. I tried to hold on to the feeling of peace but it quickly slipped from my mental grip as questions began to crowd into my mind. Where was I? What was I doing here? And most importantly what was in the water next to me?
With that final question I dropped my feet so I was now floating vertically and looked around.
"Hello V," Lilly spoke as she circled around me in the water.
"Lilly," I smiled at my best friend. "It has been a while."
"Hey," she splashed some water at me causing me to splutter and choke. "You were the one who pushed me away."
When I finally got the water out of my eyes I was relieved to see the big smile on your face. "Sorry? I had to let you go and move on."
"I was dead I understand why you dumped me but who else did you let go of huh?" She continued to circle me like a shark going in for the kill.
I looked at her perplexed not really understanding where this dream was going. I had dreamed about Lilly a great many times that first year after her death but the dreams had stopped after I discovered who had killed her. Now she was back and I could not fantom why.
"What is this? The great Veronica Mars does not have a clue?" Lilly stopped circling and looked at me with disappointment. The look did not last more than a moment before she burst out with laughter. "If you could only see your face."
I waited patiently for her to finish laughing because no power on Earth could force Lilly to tell you what she wanted to say before she was ready.
"All right here is a clue. You shoved someone else out of your life. Someone sarcastic. Someone who could never be comfortable in conforming to the dictates of polite society. Someone who loves deeply and passionately."
"Look, Logan and I are over." Anger rushed through my body. Anger at myself at my younger self for begin so stupid and foolish. My paranoid and suspicious nature made me doubt his character every step of the way and so I constantly worked to push him away when I should have been trying to keep him close to me.
The emotions became too much and I ducked my head under water hoping to wash away the memories of the accusations I had thrown at his head. How could I have possibly thought him capable of those heinous crimes? I knew who he was deep inside and I should have known better than to let my momentary fears grab a hold of me.
As I came back to the surface Lilly rolled her eyes at me. "Geez Veronica even with all the clues you get it wrong." She floated closer to me and poked me in the chest. "It is interesting that you thought of Logan but in reality I was talking about you. You gave up on Veronica Mars and became this…. shell of what you used to be."
"Hey I like who I am right now." I swam away from her and her accusations. We all had to grow up sometime.
"Right, this is what you always wanted to be. The rich lawyer who works for the poor unrepresented corporation. You always wanted to be the one who hunts down the family whose kid got sick from eating tainted yogurt and makes sure they never go to the press with their story. Is this the same girl who fought tooth and nail to bring my killer to justice?"
"It is a safe job. No one will threaten my life."
"Perfectly safe and boring and if you work hard enough your kids will be able to sit at the 09er table in twenty years or so." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.
"It is not like that," I try to explain it to her. I tried to explain it to myself as well. How was it not like that?
"You are trying to go back to a time before you were touched by the darkness. Did you not learn anything from when you took Duncan back? You can never go back to that innocent little girl and trying to force it only ends up hurting everyone around you in the end. How long will this facade last?" She gave me a disgusted look. "How often do you have to lie to Piz in order to hide who you truly are from him?"
"Investigating was dangerous and half the time I ended up dragging my friends into it. I did not make good choices and instead rushed headlong into the investigation without a thought for potential consequences." How often did my friends have to risk themselves to get me out of trouble. How many times did I ask Wallace to break the rules and get me the private file of some other student. How often did Mac have to hack into a website or account? How many times did my father have to cover for me and at what personal cost? Lastly how many fights did Logan have to get into in order to save me from bodily harm?
"So think about the consequences before rushing into the investigation. You messed up but you learned from your mistakes. Learn to temper you natural curiosity but don't just sit there and deny that part of you no longer exists." Lilly made it sound so simple, but it was not that way in the real world. My curiosity was both my strength and weakness, and while it had allowed me to finally solve Lilly's murder it had also been the reason my father suffered serious burns.
"A lawyer is who I am. I worked hard to get here." All those sleepless nights trying to work and keep up with the reading at the same time had not been easy. "Things change Lilly."
"Not for me and not for you. I always knew you had it in you to be a badass, why else would I have been your best friend? You had an inner core of steel that was not changed even when you were pulled into the upper echelons of 09er society. Unlike my brother Duncan, who folded at even the hint of adversity, you fought so I do not understand why you suddenly gave up."
"That inner core of steel might be called stubbornness and this tenacity ended up costing me a great deal. I might have been willing paying the price for my mistakes but having my father pay for them was something I could not stomach."
"Look let us not argue about what has been. Logan in in trouble and needs you more than you can possibly imagine." She looked serious suddenly and I could barely handle it. Lilly was supposed to be smiling and laughing.
"I am going back." I would limit my involvement but there was no way I could just ignore his need.
"You have to save him." She reached out and grabbed be by the shoulders. Her fingers dug into my shoulders as if she could physically push her will into me.
"I will try but I don't know if I can this time." No, failure was not acceptable because the alternative was Logan being sentenced to death.
"Promise me no matter what happens you will fight to save him. Never give up on him." Lilly's usual grin appeared once again but something was different it this time. I felt like she was asking more of me than just helping him pick out a team of lawyers. "This is very important, you have to promise me."
"All right I promise no matter how big of a jackass he is I will keep him safe." It was an easy promise to make - almost too easy.
"Even from himself?"
"Especially from himself." I agreed with a small laugh.
"He needs you to fight for him when everyone else has given up on him." She turned serious again. "I need you to love him."
"In a way I will always love him no matter what." I could admit this to myself in a dream, here it was safe. "The problem is I pushed him away until I ran out of chances for us." It had taken me years to realize that I had been the one to tear us apart. He might have given away his body to random girls but I had been the one who tried to wedge a distance between us. The ironic part of the story was that while I was busy trying to make sure that he could not hurt me I had ended up hurting both of us.
"He would have given you another chance but you ran away. You ran away from him and you ran away from yourself. Well luckily you have a friend like me and I got you another change to do it right. This time around don't blow it."
The clamor of my alarm made me instinctively reach for the bedside table to turn hit snooze but for some reason my hand only seemed to find air. Where was that alarm clock? Rubbing a hand on my face I tried to open my eyes so I could look for the damn thing but . Victory! I finally was able to see enough to slam my hand down on the annoying thing. With relief I dove head first into the cluster of pillows but the alarm clock had served its purpose and now it became impossible for me to go back to sleep.
I gave up after a minute or so and flopped onto my back in order to stare at the ceiling. The sight of my bedroom confused me for a few moments since there was something that felt off about the entire room. Of course it is right Veronica what the hell is wrong with you?
What was I dreaming about again? Water? A feeling began in the middle of my chest, a whisper of unease that did not seem to dissipate no matter how much I rubbed my chest or tried to console myself that it was just a dream. This was simply a reaction to whatever I dreamt about, nothing to worry about, all I had to do was get on with my day and everything would be all right again. Images kept flashing on my closed eyelids. Was Lilly in my dreams again? Were we floating in a pool? The was a wisp of a memory that kept eluding me. I could not remember much about the dream except for the fact that we were floating in water and she wanted a promise from me. There was no reason to be afraid since everything was fine yet the feeling seemed to be getting worse.
A knock was followed by my father's voice through the door.
"What?" I really needed to get more sleep.
"Veronica, you have to get moving or you will be late for school." He spoke again.
"Don't worry I am moving." Sort of.
Half falling out of my bed after my legs get caught in my sheets I stumble towards the bathroom. What I see makes me scream but the worst part about it is I don't know why I am shocked to see my own face.
My dad almost instantly is knocking on the door. "What is wrong Veronica?"
"Everything is okay? Just thought I saw something moving." I lie to him easily before going back to staring at myself.
"What is this? Have you finally decided that you wanted to be girly?" Dad always thought he was a funny guy.
I leaned over the sink and splashed cool water on my face before looking at it again. My heart rate increased, my palms became sweaty, and I almost went into full panic mode. Had I been drugged again? No you are at home, nothing is wrong, so stop panicking.
I had to get over this but I could not let go of the feeling that there was something off. A difference in my appearance that was there but it was a discrepancy I could not identify. At least the feeling matched my peculiar reaction to seeing my room this morning. I touched my face with shaking hands. It looked pale and angular but this was its normal look these days. If I had to say something about it I would have to say my face looked far too young, but that is a ridiculous thought since this was the exact face I had looked at before I went to sleep last night - really, really late last night. Heaving a sigh I pushed myself away from the sink.
I needed to get some more sleep and while I was asking for the impossible I needed to stop dreaming about Lilly. The dreams featuring my former best friend had been coming with less and less frequency of late and had given me some hope that I was starting to deal with her death.
"Veronica? You need to get going or you are going to be late for school." I heard my father speaking again. Good thing the two bedroom apartment we now lived in was small enough he did not need to strain himself too much to be heard.
"Thanks for the reminder Dad." School had started again - that fact alone should be able to explain the twisting of my stomach and the feelings of dread.
I was going to gain nothing from standing around staring at my face in the mirror so I used the bathroom before heading back to my bedroom to get dressed. The closet was of course filled with my new angry at the world fashion. Lilly would have been proud of me for getting rid of all of the pastel crap that used to dominate my closet. It had been a very foolish move on my part to put such a huge dent in my wardrobe but I could not go back to being that sweet Veronica again. Too much had happened for me to be happy wearing baby blue and pale pink. That happy and optimistic Veronica had died and it was really for the best - that Veronica would not have been able to survive the world I lived in now.
In less than six months my boyfriend just one day decided we were over and stopped talking to me, my best friend was brutally murdered, my father was disgraced and lost his job, I was drugged and raped, and finally as the final nail in the old Veronica Mars' coffin my mother left without even a word of goodbye. It is surprising that I have not borrowed one of my father's weapons and gone on a small shooting spree preferably through the 09er section of the courtyard at school.
I guess it was just a testament to how strong I was? or it could have just proven how stubborn I was. Those first few months as things started to pile up the majority of my evening ended in sobs muffled by my pillow but after a while I ran out of tears. They were a rare occurrence these days, but then it had helped that I had been out of school and did not have to deal with those people I used to consider my friends on a daily basis. The speed with which my ex-friends turned on me was a life lesson that I had to learn to deal with quickly. Trust no one has become my new motto.
I pulled out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before loading up my backpack with all the essentials. It was the first week of school so I did not have too much homework as of yet. I grabbed a granola bar from the small shelf next to the sink and gulped down some orange juice before heading to the bathroom to brush my teeth and apply makeup.
Dad was already gathering his stuff up when I came back from the bathroom so we left the house together. Both of us making sure that we had keys before heading to our respective cars.
"Have fun at school, Veronica." He told me as we walked down the stairs.
"Fun. Is that what you call it?" It had been somewhat fun when Lilly was around but when I lost both her and Duncan I came to realize school was the worst kind of hell and the worst part about it was that I would have to endure it for two more years.
"How would you describe it then?"
"An endurance of torture." It was even worse after Logan Echolls put a target on my back making me a social pariah. His betrayal was the one that hurt the most. Next to Lilly I had considered him one of my most trusted friends, but these days I was more tempted to punch him than talk to him.
"Well you had better hurry or you will miss it." He waved at me before getting in his car.
"That would be such a shame." I told myself as I threw my backpack in the passenger seat before starting the car.
A/N: I like the song Dream on by Aerosmith because I think she is looking back at her life and it is filled with regrets. The past is gone and there is no way to return to it no matter how much you dream of it.
Thank you so much for the reviews and everyone who put this story on follow. Many kisses. I truly appreciate you taking the time to do so. It is nice to know that occasionally I write the words and they convey the emotions the way I want them. The next chapter is really huge right now, so I might have to spend a bit of time cutting it into pieces so it might take me a little while longer to get out.
I hope everyone is having a happy second day of Fall (unless you are in southern hemisphere then I guess this is Spring for you :D). Finally the days of 90F are over let me tell you makes Saturday soccer games so much more fun (far less whining from my daughter). Instead we have rain and my chrysanthemums are about to pop. I got a few new ones this year that are supposed to put out multicolor blooms and I want to see if the flowers will be as pretty as the picture on the label. I love flowers and use any excuse to buy more plants. Right now I have to clean out my beds so I can switch out my half dead summer plants to the more hardy fall/winter ones.