Lori yawned, stretched, and scratched the small of her back as she walked into the sun-washed kitchen. It was a glorious summer Saturday morning, and while everybody else was sleeping tucked in their widdle beds, Lori was going to get the last slice of pizza.
She smiled devilishly as she opened the fridge. It was on a paper plate and covered with saran wrap, a big, cheesy, pepperoni-y piece of goodness from Pissy's, literally the best pizza place in town. Lori smacked her lips: She could already taste it. Ummm. Did they pit crack in it? She bet they put crack in it. How else could they make it so good?
She grabbed the plate and shut the door, jumping when Luan leaned forward, her eyebows knitted. "Oh, no you don't," the younger girl said, putting her hands on her hips. "That's my slice."
"Pfft. First come, first serve."
"Like you need it...with that spare tire around your stomach."
Lori's jaw dropped. "I do not have a spare tire!"
"Well, what's this, fatty?" Luan poked Lori's gut, and it jiggled.
Lori's face flushed with anger. "Look who's talking, beaver. You could use your front teeth as a can opener."
Luan's jaw clenched. Before she could do anything, though, Lynn slid into the kitchen on socked feet, her head bowed and her fist in the air; she was humming Michael Jackson's "Bad." She looked up, saw Lori and Luan glaring at her, and tensed. "Oh, no, fuck this," she said, and grabbed the plate, yanking: Lori held on.
"Let go!"
"You let go!" Lynn shot back. "I got out of bed early on a Saturday morning specifically so I could get the last slice. You two assholes can fuck off."
Flashing, Luan grabbed the plate too, and it was a three way tug of war between them. Leni entered, her eyes closed and her raised hands bent limply before her, giving her the appearance of a dog on its hind legs begging for a treat. Her eyes popped open at the sound of the struggle.
"Great," she said. "I have to fight my way through three skanks to get my pizza."
"Shut up!" Lori grunted. "You don't even eat, anorexic."
"Yeah," Luan added, "Lori should know, since she's the queen of gorging her fat face."
"You barely fought your way through third grade," Lynn said, "and fourth gradekicked your ass."
Huffing, Leni waded into the fray, grabbing the plate. "Lori, you're a mean, bossy bitch; Lynn, you're a lesbian; and Luan, you're a joke, and totes not in a good way."
"Fuck you, shit-for-brains!" Lynn said.
Luna walked into the kitchen, and her shoulders slumped. She sighed, turned, and threw up a hand in frustration. "Look at this shit! I knew it." Lucy peered out from behind her, and sighed.
"I guess it wasn't meant to be."
"That's right, Count Dorkula," Lynn said, yanking the plate.
"Go take a dirt nap," Luan said through clenched teeth, yanking back.
"And take that glorified groupie with you," Leni said.
"What the fuck did you just call me?" Luna asked, coming forward.
Just then, Lincoln ducked around her and came into the kitchen, his hands in his pockets. "Hey, guys," he said casually, "it's your timid little brother, Lincoln, who loves you and would do anything for you, including relinquishing his claim on the last slice of pizza, how's it going?" He started past, like he was going to go out through the back door, but then spun and grabbed the last remaining bit of plate. "Give me that pizza, bitch!"
"Fuck your Edgar Winter looking ass," Luna said, "that's my pizza."
"Get bent, you little homo," Lori sneered, "I had it first. And you can go to hell too, Spinal Tap."
Lola and Lana bounded into the room hand-in-hand. When they saw the fight, their shoulders sagged. "Just great," Lana said.
"And we were going to share it," Lola said, shaking her head.
"Go share a gay kiss, you little losers," Lynn said, "this is my pizza!"
"No, it's mine!" Lincoln cried.
"Mine!" Leni said.
"Mine!" Lori said.
"Everybody! Calm down!"
They stopped tugging long enough to see Lisa standing in the doorway. "I believe I have the perfect solution to your problem. That is, I can clone that slice of pizza and there will be enough for everyone."
The sisters all looked at each other, and then to their brother.
"Okay," Lori shrugged.
"Fine by me," Lynn said.
"Whatever," Leni said, letting go.
"Perfect," Lincoln said, and laughed nervously. "Such a dumb thing to fight over, right, guys?"
Lori handed Lisa the plate. Lisa took it, nodded, then grinned. "Suckers."
She turned and darted into the living room, leaving everyone gaping behind her. "That bitch stole the pizza!" Luan said, balling her fists.
Lynn gave chase, and behind her, her siblings yelled and followed.
Lisa made it to the foot of the stairs before Lynn speared her into the wall, crushing her tiny body into the sheetrock. She grabbed the plate and stood over her sister to gloat. "Real smooth. And you're supposed to be the genius of the family." She turned around, and Luan punched her in the jaw: She tripped over Lisa and went down, the plate flying from her hands. Luna reached out and caught it with a satisfied smile, but Lincoln hit her in the back of the knee with a broken broom handle, and, with a cry, she sank down. He grabbed the plate, but Lori snatched him by the back of his shirt and head-butted him. Both cried out and dropped.
"Dumb bitch," Leni laughed, scooping up the plate. Someone punched her in the ass, and she spun to see Lola grinning. "You little..." Lola shoved her, and she stumbled back, tripping over Lana, who was strategically positioned on her hands and knees. The air went out of Leni's lungs in a rush, and Luan grabbed the plate.
"Hey!" Lola said, "that's ours!"
"Pie in the sky, you little pageant whore."
"Hey, don't call her a pageant whore!" Lana said.
"Piss off, plunger slut."
Flashing, Lana punched Luan in her knobby knee, and she yelled. Lola snatched the pizza and took it over to Lana, pulling off the saran wrap. "Um," she said exaggeratedly, "I just love Pissy's Pizza."
Lincoln, sitting on the floor and dazed, saw his chances of sweet, sweet Pissy's about to go down his sister's throat, and, with a scream, he leapt up and dove at her. She turned, her eyes widening, and he landed on her.
"Get off of me, Lincoln!" she roared. "You know what happens when you make Lola angry!"
"Nothing," Lincoln said, getting up, his knees on either side of his sister. "Because you're full of shit." He snatched the pizza and brought it to his lips, but Leni, having recovered, smacked it out of his hand. "Hey!"
"Your ass is, like, about to be full of my foot," Leni said. She bent over to grab the pizza, which had landed on the couch, and Lincoln did something only a desperate man would: He reached up and gave Leni a double titty-twister. She yelped and pulled away.
"You pervert!" she yelled, rubbing her wounded nipples. "That's incense."
"It's incest, dumbass!" Lynn cried, reaching over the couch and snatching the slice. "And don't flatter yourself, sweetie: No one wants to bang the retarded girl. It's illegal. And gross."
Lori tackled Lynn. "You're gross, you sweaty, stinky fucking jock." She grabbed the pizza from Lynn's hand and held it up. Flashing, Lynn socked her in the face, and she tumbled off, crashing into the trophy case, which toppled over onto her, spilling trophies and plaques onto the couch: One cracked Lincoln in the head and he cried out, blood gushing down his face. Another one landed on Leni's bare foot, and she screeched, hopping up and down on one leg like a blonde pogo stick.
"WHAT IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?" Dad roared, and everyone froze.
"Uh, nothing!" Lincoln called back, holding his hand to his head. His snowy white hair was streaked with red.
Footsteps descended the stairs, and at that moment, the Loud kids knew they were doomed.
"OH MY GOD!" mom screamed, her hands flying to her mouth. "What happened here!"
"Nothing," Lisa said as she got woozily to her feet. Her glasses were cracked and her pajamas were dusted white with plaster. "Go back to bed."
"You are all in big trouble," dad said.
"I think I need stitches," Lincoln said.
"My foot's broken," Leni whined.
Lori crawled out from under the trophy case and looked up, her face covered in bruises. "I'm okay," she said, and lost consciousness.
"Let me guess," dad said, "it was over that last slice of pizza, wasn't it?"
"It was mine," Luan said.
"No, it was mine," Lucy said, having stayed out of the fight.
"No," dad said, "it was mine. I bought it, after all."
"Here then," Lynn moaned. She used the couch to help her get to her feet, the slice in her hand. She turned to Lincoln, swiped it across his bloodied face, and threw it at dad. "Bon appetit."
"YOU'RE ALL GROUNDED FOR SIX MONTHS!" dad roared. "AND I WILL NEVER ORDER ANOTHER PIZZA EVER AGAIN!"
"Honey," mom said, "aren't you overreacting? After all, at least it wasn't really bad this time."
"Seriously," Lincoln said, "my head's busted open."
"And my toes are pointing in funny directions," Leni moaned.
Mom sighed. "Alright. Give me five minutes then we'll go to the emergency room."
Sigh.
"Again."