After arriving from the bar, I had gotten home with a very tipsy and happy Elena. She had gone to bed and I had locked myself up in my room. I was sitting on the floor and for the hundredth time I was re-reading the letter.
These were the things I could make out from what he wrote:
First, I think he hadn't gotten my million messages. His writing was calm and zero intrigued about what was going on. Knowing Damon, he always wanted to know what was happening, and in the messages I left him I never mentioned anything about the Cullens, just that I needed to speak with him. So Damon being Damon, would always ask what was going on, especially if there was a sense of urgency in my voice. Which there was. I just hadn't said anything about the Cullens being here.
Maybe that was my mistake.
Then there was the new task he had assigned me. Okay, he wanted me to write down the things that happened to me that I couldn't explain. I took this as a way of trying to figure out what was my special ability. Finding this out hadn't really worried me much until he mentioned it on the letter.
There was something odd about me, I had yet to figure out:
What it was and
How to control it
The first few days when I started the animal diet I had been worried I'd be so hungry another incident like the one with the man in Florence would happen again. Especially since I was weaker and couldn't really contain myself much. That's why for the first two weeks I had kept to myself and away from civilization.
Another thing about the letter was that Damon knew what and who grounded my concentration. One, keeping in touch with my parents, and two having fun and learning things. I had to keep busy. That's why he sent me a whole cargo worth of camera accessories and that new beautiful DSLR. I discovered through doing, and he wanted me to get busy and continue discovering myself.
Then there was the last part of the letter. The one that really had me thinking. Those things we had yet to discover and discuss were driving me crazy, and he knew what it would do to me once he wrote it. He knew. He wants me to think about it. He never does anything unintentionally. He knows words, and he definitely knows how to use them.
I had completely forgotten the notebook that he sent me until I saw it on the floor next to me. I opened it and found that Damon had scribbled a few things down already. I chuckled as I read through it. He had a whole symbol and color system going. There were even post-its with doodles and small notes on them. It went something like this:
The page started with a big bold red title, in ALL CAPS, that read:
CRAP I CAN'T EXPLAIN
(and other weird things I do)
It was followed by a list in black ink:
1. Helmet head (no mind reading, no compelling)
2. Incredibly tasty smell
3. Sudden strength... when provoked :)
4. Eavesdropper
5. Tug/vibe from creepy man
6. Tug when someone tries to attack through powers, didn't get hurt
7. Rubber and glue (repel attack, and divert it)*
That last one had a star on the side.
Then came the sticky notes. Some had personality traits written in. Other had things I had said to him whenever these "weird things I did" happened. There were small squiggles, with Damon's perceptions in point form. And there were some doodles of who I assumed was me getting mad and kicking who I thought was Jane in the ass. There was a funny drawing of Sage with his green shoes and a gardening kit. There was also a doodle of what I think was a bird, no… it was a crow.
Damon was not much of a drawer. He did nail the Stefan doodle though. It was a hunched little man, with a big square head hiding a bunny behind him with smudges of what I'm sure is blood around his mouth.
Doodles aside, there were a few notes that caught my eye:
- Identifies with victim
- Stubborn
- Determined
- Empathy
I took my while reading his notes. He had been thinking about me. He took his time. He was trying to figure me out. He was also trying to be funny, he wanted me to enjoy this puzzle.
I grabbed the first pen I could find and wrote the latest crap I didn't understand right under his perfect calligraphy.
8. Alice stopped seeing me in her visions.
I stared at what I had just written, and next to it, I wrote the questions that were bothering me.
WHEN? WHY?
And then I underlined them.
9. I deflected Jasper's influence.
Followed by the note:
HOW
I then connected the incident with Jasper with number 7. Rubber and glue. Those two related to each other. Something similar had happened both times.
The only way I was ever going to get answers to these particular questions was if I started talking again with them.
I threw myself on the floor and hugged the notebook while I stared at the ceiling.
I was not looking forward to that.
Talking to Alice again would go against everything I was feeling right now. It would probably result in me getting furious and trying not to physically attack her. I would not be manipulated.
But then there was Jasper.
On our little encounter in the forest, I felt as if he was tip toeing around me, he was being careful, not really knowing what to expect. I was surprised at the way he was bursting to say he was sorry. It was something that came from within him, I could even feel it. Not in a "I'm showing you how I feel so I'm throwing these feelings at you" kind of way, I saw it.
Even though Jasper and I never actually had much of a friendship before, today I felt comfortable and awkward at the same time around him. It was awkward because I didn't know how to speak to him, but comfortable in the way that I didn't feel like I was being pushed into anything.
He wasn't influencing me... I think.
I think it was honest.
But I can't trust him completely.
I had to come up with a plan to find the answers to my questions.
In the mean time, let's explore my lovely new camera.
After going through the camera's options by myself, I had spent the next few days discovering the things that digital photography had to offer. I kept myself busy. I looked for a class, and when I found one I signed up for it.
Currently I was enthralled by macro photography. I loved being able to capture such detailed images of things I didn't normally notice. I could spend hours walking around pointlessly trying to find the perfect shot of whatever crossed my way.
I was shooting in the forest one day when I heard two pairs of footsteps approaching. Quickly I hung the camera across my chest and climbed the tallest tree I found near by. I closed my eyes and listened to the footsteps. My senses were not what they used to be. First because of the animal blood, and secondly my vervain garden had finally grown and I had started drinking it again. So I really needed to concentrate to find the source of the sound. Once I figured out where the footsteps were coming from I opened my eyes and tried to find the two people they belonged to.
After a few seconds the shape of two men emerged almost half a mile away.
Emmett and Jasper.
"I'm telling you, he knows something's up," Emmett told Jasper.
"I don't think he does," Jasper told him.
"He has to get that stick out of his ass and stop being such a dick. Seriously. Does he know the kind of pain he's putting Esme through?" Emmett said.
"Well, I think he can keep being a dick as long as it takes. I cannot handle that much brooding," Jasper answered.
"Last time was harsh man," Emmett said.
"He brought it on himself. He didn't have to say those things to you," Jasper told him.
"I don't take it back. I still think it was a mistake. Hell, look at how things ended. Who would've guess it? Alice didn't even see it. We don't even know what happened. I swear, the day we find out, I'm going to whoop someone's ass from here to the Patagonia," Emmett told him.
Were they fighting with Edward about me?
"I think just like you, though, I don't know how much she'd like for us to meddle," Jasper answered.
"What does Alice see?" Emmett asked.
I saw Jasper shrug, "She's been having off weeks, ever since she discovered she couldn't see Bella she's been seeing flashes of a few of us but never something she can completely grasp. It's driving her crazy."
I smirked.
I had created a short circuit.
And I was proud.
I had no idea how I did it, but I was extremely proud that I did.
"I saw her the other day," Emmett told Jasper.
Jasper turned to him, "When?"
"A few days ago, she was concentrated shooting something with her camera in town," Emmett answered.
"Photography huh?" Jasper said.
I looked down at my camera. I did get consumed when I shot pictures.
"She looked like a pro man, she was kneeling down catching a picture of something on the ground, her hair was all messy and out of control, but it was sexy and badass," Emmett described me.
"She's always been observant," Jasper said.
"I think that as much as we hurt her when we left, I think it was good for her, I mean, she does look completely different. She has this confident attitude. I loved that I don't give a shit thing she did when we crossed her on the bike. Dude I was so proud," Emmett said with enthusiasm.
"Yeah, Rosalie didn't like that," Jasper cut in.
"Rose hasn't told me how she feels about all of this," Emmett said with unease.
"Rosalie is… concerned, and I think that's all I'm allowed to say or she'll get furious at me," Jasper answered.
A phone rang, it sounded like a text.
"It's Alice," Jasper said, "she can't see us."
Shit.
Emmett started looking around, Even from here I could make out that glimmering look in his eyes.
What now? They knew I was here. I didn't want them to know I was eavesdropping on their conversation. So I took my camera and started shooting randomly at the tree bark in front of me.
I look like an idiot.
I heard a thump, I guess one of them made me out and hit the other to show him where I was.
Walls up.
I started "looking through the pictures" I had taken and then looked ahead, acting as if I had just spotted them.
You don't care. You don't care. You don't care.
I raised the camera up and snapped a picture of the two of them and then jumped down from the tree and started walking.
"Hey! I wasn't even posing!" I heard Emmett scream.
"Trust me Emmett, you guys are professionals at it," I yelled back.
Silence.
"That hurt!" he answered back after a few seconds.
I kept on walking.
"Oh, you'll survive," I yelled back. A few seconds later I came out of the tree line and came out face to face with them.
"Bella," Jasper said while giving me a nod.
"Jasper," I nodded back.
I glanced at Emmett. He had his hands on his hips, resting his weight on one of his legs, and a pout.
"You look ridiculous," I told him very seriously, and then turned to Jasper, "I'm parched, is your offer still up?"
He nodded.
"Cool! I could use a hunt too," Emmett said.
"Did I look at you when I said that?... No."
"Let's go," Jasper told me with a smile on his face. He punched Emmett's arm.
"Alright, alright, I'm not invited…"
Emmett gave Jasper a hug, Jasper looked at him as if he was crazy. Then Emmett turned to me and opened his arms, he wanted to give me a hug too. I just stared at him.
Really?
I looked at Jasper and started walking, completely ignoring Emmett's attempt to hug me.
"I deserve it," Emmett said.
Jasper chuckled and started following me.
Then out of nowhere Emmett ran to me and hugged me from behind.
I got furious.
I kneeled down and in a swift movement threw him forward and had him strangled on the floor.
"Don't ever sneak up on me again," I whispered and let him go.
He stood up quickly. I turned around and kept on walking.
I was pretty sure he was caught off guard. For being on the animal diet I was surprised I had that much strength in me still. I knew I had teased him with that little stunt back there. He would want to push my buttons even further. Emmett was always cocky about his strength, and being thrown down like that would have fired up something inside of him.
Which was my point.
Jasper started walking with me, we picked up the pace and before we knew it we were running. We took down a few deer, no bears or mountain lions were around so we had to settle. When we had finished we started walking back.
"You know, Emmett's been dying to have a chance to speak with you," Jasper said.
I rolled my eyes.
"I'm pretty sure he just wants to test my limits," I told him.
He chuckled.
"You've had training. Those were some quick moves you pulled on him today," he told me.
I kept quiet.
"I know a few things about training," he added.
"I know," I said and glanced at his scar-covered arms.
"Do you now?" he asked.
I nodded, "You've been at war."
He was taken by surprise by my comment. Which proved the hypothesis I had made about the origins of his scars.
"I'm guessing your abilities came in handy in that context," I added.
"How did you figure that out?" he asked.
I shrugged.
"So you assume you know me," Jasper told me.
"I never assume anything Jasper, not anymore..." I answered.
"Would you like to hear my story Bella?" he asked-.
"Sure," I answered.
Turns out, I had most of the story right. He told me about his maker, Maria, and how she used him to handle the newborn army they were making. He was confused, and eager, and over all a good soldier.
"Is it common? To build newborn armies?" I asked him, remembering what Victoria was doing before Damon, Stefan and Jacob killed her army.
"Well... it used to be, then the Volturi came in with their rules-"
"And took care of it. Did they catch Maria?" I asked.
He shook his head.
"Have you come across the Volturi before?" I asked him.
"No, and I hope I don't. They're not too forgiving," he answered.
He had been part of a thing that could unmask our existence, and the Volturi didn't like that. They were very strict on consequences.
"If it came down to that, I'm sure Carlisle would put in a good word for you," I said.
He grinned.
"Now, I've shared my story, why don't you tell me yours?" he said.
A-ha!
I was waiting for this.
I chuckled.
"Well... I was attacked," I said.
"By who?" he asked.
"You seriously have no clue?" I asked in return.
He shrugged.
"Victoria." I told him.
He stopped dead in his steps.
"What?" he asked, "Alice was watching her decisions."
I rolled my eyes, "And we know how well Alice's visions are working these days."
Concern was written all over his face.
"But Stefan stopped her," Jasper concluded.
I scoffed.
"Not really," I answered.
"Then what happened?"
"Well, she beat me to an inch of death, then they found me, and helped me," I explained.
"And in order to save you Stefan fed you his blood," he concluded.
Now I stopped walking.
"What? Stefan didn't save me," I said in between chuckles, "I mean, he was there but he wasn't the one to save me."
"Then who?"
"Damon," I answered in an It's obvious kind of tone.
"What?" he asked surprised.
"Stefan has been on the animal diet so long that it wouldn't have helped, at least not fast enough," I explained.
"Damon Salvatore saved your life?" he asked in disbelief.
"And it was also Damon who killed Victoria in the end," I told him.
"We thought it was Stefan," he told me confused.
I started laughing, "You thought Stefan saved me? Really?"
He nodded.
"No... it was always Damon... and it's always been Damon," I answered.
Jasper looked confused.
"I mean, Stefan looked after me too, but Damon was the one who was always there, no matter what," I explained.
"So that move back there with Emmett, he taught you that?" he concluded.
"Among other things," I said proudly.
We kept on walking.
"Bella..." he started saying with apprehension, "Where were you before you came here?"
"Europe," I answered nonchalantly.
"With Damon," he said.
"With who else would I be there?" I asked.
Did I spot... worry in his eyes?
"And where is he now?" he asked.
"I can't say..." I answered.
"Carlisle knows Damon," Jasper told me.
"Oh I know... that's how I figured out what Stefan and Damon were," I answered.
He was even more confused.
"The portrait, in Carlisle's study back in Forks, they have a very similar one," I shrugged.
Realization hit him.
I nodded.
"Yeah, I can put two and two together," I told him.
"Bella if Alice would have seen any of this, we would have come back in an instant," he said.
"Well... she didn't and you didn't come back, so don't bother making suppositions of what would have happened, it's not even worth it anymore."
"Bella, Alice has been beating herself up with this intermittent to no vision phase she's going through, she blames herself for everything," he told me.
I stayed quiet. In all honesty, I blamed her too.
"She wants to speak with you," he told me.
"Jasper, don't. I can handle speaking with you, and I can handle Emmett, but that's it," I told him.
He nodded.
"You know we want to be here for you," he told me.
"Honestly Jasper, you weren't there when I needed you guys the most. So... don't count on me knocking on your door anytime soon," I answered.
We walked in silence for the next few minutes.
"Jasper?"
"Yes Bella?"
"Where is he?" I asked.
"He's here and there and everywhere. He changes places constantly, keeps it unpredictable for Alice. He's been in South America for a while now," he answered.
"How come Alice can't see me anymore?" I asked.
This was the part where I started getting answers.
"At first Alice thought it was because of the wolves," he said.
I glanced back at him, they knew about the wolves?
"She got worried one day and went back to Forks to check up on you," he explained.
Alice had been in Forks? And she never even said hello?
"She saw you with the Black kid," he kept explaining, "A few weeks later she saw you moving away, and then she saw you very sporadically, and then not at all."
"And you can't feel me?" I asked.
"Not right now, I did the first time we saw you, the day you arrived, but then you reverted my influence, anger blasted towards me... I had never experienced anything quite like that," he explained.
I frowned.
"It's confusing at first... when you're trying to figure out what your abilities are."
I kept quiet.
"Is it refreshing?" I asked out of the blue.
"I beg your pardon?" he asked.
"Is it refreshing, not feeling what the person you're talking with feels? It's only your feelings you are feeling right now," I explained.
"I guess it is," he answered.
One of the notes Damon made on the notebook was empathy. Jasper was an empath. If my ability had something to do with that, then he would be able to help me find out what it was. Or just give me some clarity. But in order to that I had to share information with him. Information I didn't want others finding out.
"Jasper, can you keep a secret?" I asked him.
He stared at me and nodded.
"No one knows about this. Only Damon. Elena can't find out or Stefan. No one can know,. I don't want you sharing this with Alice or Carlisle or Emmett or Rosalie… and not Edward either. If you can't do that then let me know now," I made it clear.
"I promise you I won't say a thing, to anyone, you have my word," he promised.
I studied him, when I decided he was being honest I spoke.
"I killed someone," I confessed
I was expecting surprise or anger, but I received calmness.
"It wasn't because of an uncontrollable thirst. No. I can control that pretty well. It was something I felt that drew me to him," I explained.
He was attentive.
I told him the story.
"So you knew he was going to do something to the girl. You felt his desire towards her," Jasper said after I told him everything.
"Jasper, it was so evil, it made me sick, literally," I told him.
"Was it like a vibe or tug?" he asked.
I chuckled. Damon had asked me this same question.
"It was a tug," I answered.
"Mmm," he crossed his arms on his chest while he looked at the ground, "could you control yourself?"
"Yes, I followed him on instinct, he was weird and I was curious, I kept my distance... but when he tried to kill her I just snapped, blacked out," I told him.
"And the girl? Did you get something coming from her?" He asked me.
I hadn't thought about that.
"I don't know... I don't remember..."
He was serious.
"You seem to have developed some sort of empathy. Whatever the guy was feeling was much stronger than what the girl experienced. His feelings were much darker, evil; that sensation that made you sick," he analyzed out loud.
"Empathy?" I asked.
"Yes, to empathize means to share, or to experience the feelings of another person. Which I think you experienced at some level when the guy followed the girl," he explained, and then added, "I'm an empath, I feel what others feel and can project feelings to others. I can naturally and spontaneously tune into other people's feelings, what ever they are. I understand them, and they affect me."
"But that doesn't explain why Alice can't see me, or why you can't feel what I feel, or why I killed that man," I said.
"These things are not easy to understand, they're tricky. Granted, some are more difficult to figure out than others. The key is to understand when these things flare up, what triggers them," Jasper told me.
Triggers.
I had to look for triggers.
"From what you've told me, I think yours flares up through some kind of emotion. So, my advice, look into that," he said.
That afternoon, after arriving from my hunt with Jasper, I locked myself up in my room and took out the notebook Damon had sent. I wrote down the things I had spoken with Jasper, and I started looking for triggers to the things that were odd.
I started with Jane's attack. Rubber and glue. I was thinking about rubber and glue when it backfired, but I think the trigger here might have been the fact that we were under attack and I felt vulnerable.
I wrote it down.
An image of Damon twisting and yelling on the floor flash through my eyes.
I scratched out the last thing I had written.
My trigger was not that we were under attack or that I felt vulnerable.
The thing that shocked me the most about that day was when Damon was being tortured. That's when Jane's power backfired on herself. That's when I started wishing that whoever was attacking him felt an ounce of the pain he was feeling. I wanted them to have a taste of their own bitter medicine.
And she got it.
So what was it then? How could I write that down?
Damon getting hurt.
That's what I wrote down. The idea of him getting hurt made me sick.
Then, the sound of Elena knocking on my door made me snap out of my thoughts.
She opened thee door and walked in.
"You look concentrated," she pointed out as she sat next to me, "Oh, it's the notebook again."
I grinned.
"I'm trying to figure out some stuff," I shrugged.
"The ability thing?" she asked.
I nodded.
"Well... how about a little of time off from the search? A clear head might let you think better," she suggested.
I sighed.
"I'm picking up Charlie, Jenna, Jeremy and Alaric from the airport," she told me.
Crap.
I closed my eyes.
"You forgot!" She told me.
"I did, I'm sorry! Let me change I'll be right down," I said as I rushed to the closet.
Elena had organized Thanksgiving dinner, which was tomorrow. She had invited her family and Charlie.
I had been so concentrated in my photography and in trying to figure out what my ability was, that I had completely forgotten about their arrival.
I dressed quickly and left with Elena.
After greeting our guests and giving Charlie a tight but human bearable hug, we went home. I noticed Charlie had lost weight, and even gained a little muscle. He looked cheerful. I felt happy for him.
I spent the afternoon showing Charlie pictures of my months in Europe and the many things I had seen with Damon. He asked questions about everything.
"Can you print out this one?" He asked.
It was a picture Damon had taken of me after making fun of our waiter in a restaurant in Rome. We were having lunch in a piazza, I was laughing, it was spontaneous, he had caught me off guard. To be honest, this was one of my favorites.
"Sure Dad, I'll print out a couple," I told him.
"Make sure you send some to your mom as well," he told me.
"You look good Dad," I pointed out.
"Well, I've cleaned up a bit. I'm eating healthier-"
"Really?!" I exclaimed.
"Yes, I am. I'm working out a bit, trying to be stronger. You know, with all the crazy things we have to put up with back home and all," he explained.
"And you're doing this by yourself?" I asked.
"No Rick's been real helpful," he answered.
"Wait, Rick as in, Alaric?" I asked.
He shrugged.
"He's weird, but we get along," he said calmly.
"So you've got a bromance? That's good Dad, that's good," I said in between chuckles.
He rolled his eyes.
"Are you seeing someone Dad?" I asked.
He got fidgety.
"Oh my God you are!" I said.
"We're going out, nothing serious," he said a little embarrassed.
"Do I know her?"
He shook his head no.
"Well, I'm happy for you," I told him.
He shrugged.
"And you and Damon..." he eyed me.
"What?" I asked.
He eyed me up and down and then shrugged, letting it go.
"Dad, you're drinking vervain right?" I asked him.
"Every morning. Religiously." he answered.
"Good," I said.
We were both quiet sitting next to each other.
I felt this incredible strong need to hug him and I did.
"I've missed you Dad," I whispered.
He was surprised and hugged me back awkwardly.
"Me too Bells, me too..." he said.
After a while Charlie went to get some rest. Jenna and Elena were making dinner in the kitchen, and Stefan was speaking with Alaric privately.
Jeremy and I were sitting next to each other watching some weird show that was on tv.
"Are you bored?" I asked.
"Totally," he answered.
"Do you want to go out?" I asked.
He turned around in his seat, and glanced in the direction of the kitchen.
"Yeah, they're taking their time in there," he said.
"Let's go," I answered.
We walked to the garage.
"Hey, do you still have that bike?" he asked.
I smirked and threw him the keys. He caught them, his eyes crazy excited.
"Are you serious?" he asked.
"Put your helmet on before I change my mind," I told him, while handing it to him.
He grabbed it and put it on immediately. He jumped on the bike and I climbed on behind him.
We headed into town and sat at a cafe that had a small outside terrace. I compelled the waitress to give us some beers.
"So," I said, putting down my beer, "What's new in Mystic Falls?"
"Oh you know, the usual," he answered.
"Werewolves, witches and vampires?" I asked.
"You name it, we got it," Jeremy answered.
I chuckled.
"How have you been Jer?" I asked in a more serious tone.
He shrugged, "One day at a time."
I nodded.
"How was Europe?" he asked in a sing songy tone.
"It was GREAT," I answered sarcastically.
"Really?" he said.
I nodded.
He laughed, and then took a sip out of his beer.
"Swan, there's a really big creepy guy with yellow eyes staring at us," he whispered.
I turned around.
"Oh, that's Emmett," I answered and looked back at him, "Just ignore him, he's a little..." I made loops around my ear, saying he was crazy.
Jeremy looked a bit concerned. I saw Emmett cross the street and get into his car. He drove away.
"Isn't he one of the..." he started saying.
"Yes," I answered.
"Wait... they're here?" he asked confused.
I shrugged.
"Why are you so calm about it?" he asked,
"I decided their presence would not affect me as long as I didn't let them affect me. That, and they're not going to do anything stupid that would risk the possibility of me forgiving them," I answered.
Jeremy smirked.
"You're different," he pointed out.
I raised an eyebrow.
"You walk with your head high, confident, you've got everything under control, the ball is in your court and you're the one who decides what to do with it. You're not that sad Bella Swan that walked into our town a few months ago," he told me.
"I'll take that as a compliment," I answered.
He chuckled.
"You are drunk on Damon's Kool-Aid," he told me.
"What?" I asked
"Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about," he told me.
I rolled my eyes.
"You're different, but it isn't bad different, it's good different," he told me.
"Shut up and drink your beer Gilbert," I told him.
He smirked and took a sip.
"Let's be serious now," he told me after putting down the beer, and leaning forward.
"Who says I'm not being serious?" I asked.
"Is he here?" he asked.
"Who?" I asked.
"The Dick," he said.
I shook my head no.
"What does Damon think about this?" he asked.
I shrugged.
"He doesn't know?" He asked in surprise, he leaned back into his seat and then he added, "Well, Stefan's getting his ass kicked when Damon gets back."
"I'm counting on it. Stefan's being the biggest pain lately," I told him, "Don't tell Elena I said that."
He made a gesture that meant don't worry about it.
"You're on the animal diet aren't you?" he supposed.
I nodded, "Ugh, I hate it Jer. The first few hours after I hunt, it's okay, then the itch settles in, and I get cranky, and jumpy and my senses are all numb, ugh, I hate it."
"Why don't you just drink out of bags?" he asked.
"Saint Stefan says it's dangerous for Elena, and I don't want to put her in danger," I answered.
I sighed.
"Because of the Cullens?" he asked.
I nodded.
"What if you drink it far far away?" he asked.
"What if I don't notice it and they're near?" I asked in return.
"Look, Stefan has a problem, you seem to control yourself pretty well, do it far away from them and that's it. Maybe you haven't noticed, but Stefan is like a junkie, and he's paranoid," he told me.
"I'll think about it," I said.
"Fuck what Stefan thinks, what do you think is best?" he asked.
Jeremy was quite the rebel.
"I think what's best is that I'm strong, in case there's danger I can protect Elena, or you, or Charlie, or who ever is in danger," I answered.
"Then that's your answer," he told me.
"When did you get so wise Gilbert?" I asked him.
He chuckled.
"When it's about life and death you don't have much of a choice. You just try to survive and trust whatever your gut is telling you," he answered.
He was right. It's what I did before.
"You know, maybe you should consider moving here after you graduate next year," I suggested.
"Well, I wouldn't want to miss the drama for anything in the world," he answered sarcastically.
I had forgotten how easily talking with Jeremy went. People tend to underestimate him. Like me, Jeremy is quite the observer. He's quiet most of the time, but he's watching everything from the sidelines. After finishing our beer we went back home.
The next day, while we were preparing Thanksgiving dinner, Elena noticed we were running low on beer, and I volunteered on driving into town and getting some more. I drove down to the first convenience store I found open and bought a couple of six packs.
On my way back to the car I noticed a man in a dark blue hoodie, that was waiting in the back of the parking lot. Then the familiar feeling I had felt before started tugging on me. Puling my attention on his direction.
Something was wrong.
He was anxious, his face angry. He kept running his hands through his somewhat greasy hair. I put the beer inside the car and decided to observe him from the car.
The sick feeling was coming back. I was feeling it again.
A police car pulled over, and a cop came out. He walked over to the man in the dark blue hoodie.
"You got it?" he asked the cop.
The cop nodded. The other guy signaled him to walk with him.
I got out of the car and followed them.
The cop was scared. That I could tell.
They walked towards an old bridge that no one really used anymore. Once they reached it they walked under it.
"Where's my money?" the guy in the hoodie asked.
The cop handed him an envelope. The other guy looked inside and counted.
"This isn't all I told you I needed!" he yelled.
"Please, I'll give you the rest in a few days," the cop begged.
I started feeling the worry magnify. My arms felt heavy, and my chest felt as if it was getting bigger and warmer.
And then there was the tug. That tug just kept getting stronger and stronger.
"You fool! I told you today!" the guy yelled.
"My boy, he's sick, please I beg you, I'll have the money in a few days, just give me a chance please," the cop kept on begging.
I was getting mixed feelings, one was the worry and the other one was that sickening taste I was getting in my mouth and the pain in my stomach.
"I couldn't care less about your boy, a deal is a deal, and I've come to collect," the guy in the hoodie said as he put his hand on his pocket and took out a gun.
The cop raised his hands, he didn't pull out a gun. He was really trying to move the other guy. He wasn't fighting.
"Please, a few days is all I ask," he said.
The other man snarled and I saw as he started pulling the trigger. Before I knew it I had run to them, pushed the cop to the ground and faced the man with the gun.
"He said, he needed a few more days," I told him menacingly, my eyes turning red, fangs coming out.
"The fuck?" he said perplexed and scared as he looked at me.
He shot me.
And then I couldn't control myself anymore.
…
…
Compell the cop. Who was after him? Was it only the guy in the blue hoodie? Yes.
Okay.
Compell him to forget. His debts are paid. He doesn't need to worry about this ever again. Go home Mr. Police Officer. Go home.
…
…
…
He left.
…
…
…
…
Anger boiled inside of me. I screamed.
…
…
…
I ran my blood-covered hands through my hair.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
The body was on the ground.
…
…
…
I couldn't go home like this. Not on Thanksgiving. Not with Charlie and Jenna, and Alaric and Jeremy there.
…
…
…
CRAP! It's been more than a few weeks, Damon should be here by now. Arrrrggggg.
I paced around the guy's body.
…
…
…
Fuck it.
I pulled out my cell out of my back pocket and dialed the number that I didn't want to dial but that was my only choice at the moment.
"Hello?" Jasper answered in surprise.
"Are you alone?" I asked.
He was quiet, I heard his quick footsteps and then breeze hit his phone. He was running outside.
"I am now," he answered.
I kneeled down.
I sighed.
"Bella?"
"It happened again… I did it again… I… I can't go home, Charlie's here, and I…" I sighed.
"Where are you?" he asked.
"Under the old bridge that's near that convenience store on fifth," I mumbled.
"I'm on my way," he said.
"Jasper, I need clothes," I told him, "CASUAL clothes, a jean and a sweater will do, don't bring her."
"Got it. How much is there?" he asked, I knew he was referring to the blood.
"A lot," I answered.
"I'm not coming alone Bella… I'm not sure I can handle it," he told me.
I sighed.
"I get it, just… not Alice," I told him.
…
…
…
I fell on the ground next to the body. I waited. I was angry at myself for letting it happen again. I couldn't believe it. I knew what was happening and I let the intrigue get the best of me. I let it guide me. I let it take over me. And I hated it. I hated that part of me. That monster that was locked somewhere inside.
I started moving the body. Just like Damon had taught me. I faked an accident. The blood under the bridge had to be cleaned up though. But I didn't have the utensils. I was moving franticly in vampire speed trying to make everything right. My mind was racing with thoughts.
How was I going to face Charlie tonight? How was I going to sit at that table and give thanks when I should be asking for forgiveness?
"Bella?"
I turned around. Jasper was here, a bag in his hands.
I looked at him, my eyes searching for something in his.
I found it. Understanding. No judging. No controlling. Just someone who wanted to help.
"Carlisle and Emmett are at the parking lot of the convenience store. If it's alright with you, they'll come and help," he told me.
I looked around. I wasn't sure if the accident scene worked completely. I still hadn't watched the Dexter dvd's.
So I nodded. As much as I hated it I needed help. Help from the last people I wanted help from. But Stefan was being an ass and I needed someone that could observe and let me have some insight on what was happening to me. I had told Jasper what I had done, and he hadn't judged me for it.
I didn't need to be judged.
Emmett and Carlisle walked into view.
"We'll take care of this Bella," Carlisle said and giving me a squeeze on my shoulder walked over to where I had put the body.
Emmett stood in front of me. His eyes looking straight into mine.
I felt that bone crushing sensation in my whole body again. The one I had felt the day I arrived. It was filled with warmth and kindness and love. That was when I realized that it was also a tug, and it was coming from him, from Emmett.
"Don't worry Bella, we got this," he told me. His eyes were telling me he wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt me. He had my back. He was here.
Jasper extended his hand to me and I took it. We walked towards a rock and he made me sit there while he kneeled in front of me. He had a bag in his hands with clothes and Clorox wipes.
"I can make it go away you know…" he told me as he took out one of the cloths and started running it over my hands. Cleaning away the blood in them.
I shook my head.
"Was it like the last time?" he asked.
"Sort of, but it was different," I answered.
"We don't have to talk about it now," he told me.
I swallowed and nodded.
I changed into the clothes he brought me. Just as I had told him, he had brought jeans and a sweater. There were also a pair of shoes, which I had not told him I needed but that I knew Alice had thrown in there. I looked down at my feet, my sneakers were covered in dirt and blood, I had not noticed this when I called Jasper.
"You did good," Carlisle told me, "It's a clean accident scene, no one will know what happened. We cleaned up the blood a bit, making it look a little more real to the accident."
I nodded.
"Bella, your hair is still dirty, the wipes aren't going to clean that. You have to wash it," Jasper told me.
I couldn't go home like this.
"Bella, you can come and clean up at our place," Carlisle suggested.
I shook my head.
"You can't dunk your head in the river, it stinks," Emmett told me.
He was right.
"If it makes you more comfortable, we'll leave you alone while you're there," Carlisle said.
I nodded. I needed to shower and get back home quickly. I had been gone for a while now.
Jasper brought my car around, and I got in. Emmett and Carlisle rode in Carlisle's Mercedes. When we pulled over at their house, I saw that it resembled the one in Forks a lot. Lots of windows, modern architecture.
Esme, Rosalie and Alice were not there. Carlisle guided me to one of the bedrooms, and left me by myself. He told me they'd be outside if I needed anything. I went into the bathroom and looked the door behind me. I opened every faucet and took my clothes off. I went into the shower and let the water hit my face.
I was alone now. In their house. They had helped me. This wasn't right. It went against everything I believed in. But I needed someone's help. And this time they were there.
I felt that sickening feeling inside me. I remembered everything I had done in the past hour, and how much I had enjoyed it while I was doing it. That was when I threw up.
After putting the clothes back on, I realized the sweater had bloodstains from my hair, and I needed another one. I looked around the closet, and found one that was very similar to the one I was wearing before my little indiscretion. From the looks of it, this was Carlisle's and Esme's room.
My hair was all wet and I needed to dry it, I couldn't find a hair dryer anywhere. I heard a knock on the door. I opened it. Esme was standing outside, hair dryer in hand. She looked at the sweater I was wearing.
"I took it, the one I was wearing got dirty," I explained.
She shrugged. It didn't matter.
She handed me the hairdryer, and walked out of the room.
I blow-dried my hair, and when I was ready I walked out of the house. Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper were standing outside.
Carlisle handed me a small cooler, I opened it and found five blood bags inside. I looked up at him.
"Keep your diet, you're stronger that way," he told me.
Relief ran through me.
Emmett was standing there. The bone crushing sensation ran all over me. I put the cooler on the ground and gave in. I hugged him tightly. He sighed and lifted me up while he hugged me tightly. Like he had never ever hugged me before. He put me down, just as I was just about to lose it.
I took the cooler again and walked over to Jasper, "Thank you," I told him, he walked me over to the car. I got in.
"Bella, it's Thanksgiving, and your house is packed. Let me know if things get too overwhelming," he told me.
I nodded.
I drove away, the three of them stood in the driveway watching me leave. I wasn't thinking, I couldn't think. If I allowed myself to think I would lose it. I couldn't lose it tonight. Not on Thanksgiving. Not with Charlie here and Elena's family.
I pulled up at our house. Stefan was out. I left the beer in the living room where Alaric and Charlie were, and quickly made my way up to my room. I closed the door and slamming my back against it, fell to the ground. I covered my mouth as weeps escaped me.
He was supposed to be here.
This was something that if it ever happened again, I needed Damon to be here for.
And he wasn't.
And I needed him.
And I hated that I had to run to them for help.
Them.
I needed him to tell me it was going to be alright.
I needed him to tell me that it is natural.
I needed him to be here.
HERE.
I needed Damon here. With me. Not on that stupid mystery mission he was in.
I needed Damon here. I needed him NOW.
I curled up against the cold floor and let the tears come.
"Bella, dinner's ready," I heard Elena say from down stairs.
I tried composing myself.
"I'll be down in a minute!" I yelled back.
I fixed my make up, but I ruined it again, the tears wouldn't stop. I couldn't make them stop. They just kept running and running and running.
I couldn't do it.
I needed to make it stop. They couldn't know what had happened. I couldn't tell them. I had to act tonight and I couldn't do it.
So I did the only thing that I thought I could. I closed my eyes, and begged for help. I needed those walls that I had built around my feelings unconsciously fall apart. Then, after a few seconds the tears stopped, I calmed down, the unease went away, the anger, the guilt, the self doubt and the fear were replaced by serenity.
I fixed my make up and before going downstairs I looked out the window.
There, standing in the tree line, was Jasper. I tilted my head to the side and mouthed the words "Thank you."