Chapter 6: The Swoop Race and Sith Base

"You know! You would think after all of this we would get a goddamn break!"

Kar was busy pacing around the Hidden Bek dorm room afforded to them so that they may rest for the Swoop Race tomorrow, as the other three occupants of the room rolled their eyes at the nonstop ranting and covered their ears angrily. Mission, who had managed to escape the Rancor of the last chapter somehow with only a lost pair of underwear, rolled over and screeched, "Kar! I'm trying to rest over here!"

"You're not the one who has to drive an explosive Swoop Racer tomorrow surrounded by shady people," Kar snapped back, "All of this just so I can bone a hot chick."

Mission however, wasn't having it, "I'm about to KILL you."

Zaalbar growled and rolled out of his sleeping bag, shuffling over to Mission. He reached into his plentiful fur and withdrew a familiar candy bar, "Mission, eat a snickers Bar."

"Why!?"

"Because you're menstruating Mission and you act like a murderous bat lady."

Mission looked almost ready to explode but her child like instincts took over and she snatched the candy bar out of the grip of the wookiee. She rolled over and began to nibble on it and was fast asleep before anyone could even question what Zaalbar had just done.

Carth arched a brow, "How long have you had that in your fur Zaalbar?"

"Wanna find out?"

"Not while I'm in the room you disgusting freaks," Kar snapped, "Carth, hands off the testicle fur!"

Carth retracted and pouted, "You're still no fun! Just live a little would you?"

Karl's jaw practically dropped, "Who are you?!"

Carth winked at Kar, "A straight badass."

"Damnit Carth, are you gay or not?!"

It was several hours before they were all aroused from their sleep by some random Rodian chick who poked Kar awake with a stick and also jabbed everyone else to quickly get them up. Kar stumbled up, looking half dead and also half drunk and shook his head wildly. Mission rolled out of bed and quickly rushed to the bathroom screaming something about cramps and Zaalbar ate a fresh Snickers bar from out of his fur.

Carth meanwhile rose up from his sleeping bag, shoulders shaking and eyes wide, "I dreamed of death and my wife last night. Goddamn I miss that pussy."

Kar almost tripped over while putting on his pants and narrowly avoided slamming into a wall, "When did I go to sleep?"

Zaalbar rubbed his nonexistent chin, "Pretty sure you fell asleep twenty minutes before we woke up."

"Why don't I remember anything of what happened nine hours ago?"

Carth continued his shaking in the corner, "Those boobies man, they killed me. Then she died, irony man . . ."

Ignoring Carth's delusional thoughts and rants about his wife, Zaalbar shrugged calmly, "Partial insanity and emotional problems?"

"Zaalbar, I'm not Carth!"

"Then maybe it's because you're Re . . ."

"And we're not to that part of the story yet!"

"Then I am definitely betting on drugs," Zaalbar then noticed that Mission had been gone for quite a bit of time, "Is Mission still in the bathroom?"

At that point Mission entered the room again, lekku hanging lazily and blue skin tinted a smidgen green from intense sickness. She tripped over her feet and then paused, staring at all three of the men with an intense look of horrid disgust and hatred, "I despise you all."

Kar faceplalmed, "You're not pregnant are you?"

The dorm room was then rocked by the shrill screams of "I'LL KILL YOU" and the roars of a brave Wookiee holding her back.

It took several minutes of fighting and intense running away, because holding down an enraged woman on her cycle was near impossible for anybody. About a dozen soldiers were injured trying to manage it, but at least it distracted her enough for Kar to promptly leave the Bek base and go toward the Swoop Race Competition. A Bek who had also managed to get out of the base before being attacked by Mission shakily led him there and as soon as he got there scurried away, leaving him alone surrounded by an immense amount of spectators waiting to see the Swoop Races.

Of course, by immense that really meant six people watching the track and seven more that were racers themselves. "Wow," Kar mumbled to himself, "Nobody cares, why am I doing this again?"

As he stepped up onto the starter platform, totally lost as to what he was supposed to be doing, an Ithorian with a name tag of "Fucking Chatterbox" approached him and began to speak monotonously, "You must be the Hidden Bek driver for our Prototype Swoop Bike."

"How the hell did you know?"

"Simple, you're white."

Shrugging off the intense amount of racism that was just thrown at him with surprising ease, Kar didn't miss a beat, "And who are you exactly?"

"I'm the technician Chief for the Swoop Bikes. Gadon wanted me to teach you how to properly work the Swoop Bike because I'm assuming you don't know how to handle one of this Caliber."

Kar gave him a flat stare, "This is about to get boring isn't it?"

"Just a few questions and you'll be alright."

Kar scowled, "What questions could you possibly need to ask?"

"Are you above the age of nine?"

"What do you think asshole?" The Republic Soldier dead panned.

The Ithorian blatantly ignored him, "Have you ever been trained in Swoop Racing before?"

Kar looked dubious, "You do realize who you're talking to right? I don't even remember what I did two weeks ago."

"Right," The Ithorian Chatterbox shrugged, "You're good enough."

The soldier rolled his eyes, "Am I supposed to be Anakin Skywalker?"

Walking around blindly to find where the hell he was supposed to start his heats, Kar stumbled upon the very girl he had been lusting after for the last 5 chapters sitting restrained in a cage with a collar around her neck. This was strangely sexy to him, so Kar got caught drooling for about ten minutes before one of the guards got weirded out by it and smacked him away. But not before Kar whispered the words, "I love you," to her.

Finally Kar managed to find himself the start reception desk in order for him to start his heats where he was greeted by an incredibly ugly Duros manager, who asked him something along the lines of, "Please allow me to help you lube up your Swoop Engines."

Kar was admittedly never that good at translating Duros but he was pretty sure Lube was accurate and that Swoop Engine had a doube meaning for something incredibly dirty. It was a minute of intense and awkward silence before the soldier managed to slide by the desk and just followed a Black Vulkar mechanic to the starting point.

As it turned out, riding a swoop bike was in all actuality not that hard. All he really had to do was press left or right on the control panel to go either way and then press a button labeled conveniently "Boost" in order for him to go fast. All it took was three heats to beat everybody else's ass at the race. Kar wasn't really sure if it was due to the prototype or because everybody else sucked so much. Halfway into his first heat three people had already crashed and one person got molested in the corner of the track. Needless to say the level of competition was as low the Under-Lower-Sub Sewers.

"You're all a bunch of idiots," Kar muttered, "How you two groups weren't all killed by the Sith by now is a mystery"

"Everybody," The Duros announced in a sudden spurt of English literacy, "We have our winner, Kar Dunkley!"

Kar was horribly confused, "That's my last name? Seriously?"

Everybody ignored this odd question from the Swoop Race Winner and instead cheered. Obviously, since their was only a grand total of four of them now (The other two fell onto the track and got ran over) the actual cheering was about as equal to a normal golf crowd. He awkwardly bowed at the cheering and righted himself as a heavily armored man walked through the crowd and stood resolutely, quickly surrounded by the Black Vulkar swoop riders that were still alive.

"I am Brejik, leader of the Black Vulkars," He announced loudly and dramatically, "Badass and also a childish little bitch."

"Seems kind of a backwards title," The Republic soldier said to himself, then replied, "Hey Brejik, can I get the hot chick now?"

"Oh yeah I forgot to mention, I wanna deflower her daffodil so you can't have her ever."

"Bitch!" Kar shouted instinctively, "The hot chick is mine!"

"My name is Bastila!"

Everybody turned wildly and saw Bastila, in all her mighty and incredible anger, standing over the body of three dead Vulkar guards and a Vibrosword in her hand, red with blood. Brejik backed away, fearful for his own life (Perhaps justifying the "Childish little bitch" in his title) and shrieked, "How did you get out? You were restrained by my paralysis potion!"

Bastila sneered and twirled the blade in her hand, "Men can't cook anything for shit."

Kar groaned, "Oh God, she's a bitch."

Bastila jumped forward and attacked, making a show out of cleaving everybody to pieces in a mad woman rage. Brejik screamed like a little girl and backed away as Bastila launched herself at him, swinging her blade with the finesse of a . . . Well, trained Jedi obviously and in only a couple of seconds he was lying on the floor with his head separated and on the opposite side of the room. Wildly she turned around and poked a finger in his face, "As for you! Don't make me cut your balls off."

Kar winced, "Uh, Republic soldier you're telling that too. Don't you remember me?"

"I remember an incredibly ugly man."

Kar blew out a tired breath and rubbed his temples, "Yeah, definitely a bitch."

Getting Bastila to actually come and follow him to Kar and Carth's shared hideout was an annoying task considering she bitched and complained every four seconds about something or other. Eventually the two of them got into the apartment complex and Kar practically threw Bastila at Carth as he trudged off to take a shower, grumbling something about "Hating the youth."

When he finally thought he got the filth of constant whining and Rancor puke out of his mouth and clothes (Which one was where is interchangeable) Kar walked into the main room where Bastila and Carth were still arguing.

"What do you mean you don't have a plan to get off this planet yet you useless man?!" Bastila roared.

Carth looked ready to piss himself out of fear, "It's . . . It's . . . It's . . ."

"It's what?!"

"For Force's sake," Kar shouted, getting in the between the two of them, "I was in the bathroom for an hour, what have you been doing all this time?"

Carth whimpered, "She was bullying me!"

Bastila rolled her eyes and flicked her bangs aside, "All I did was ask him if he had a plan to get off the planet and all he did was stutter the same word over and over again."

Kar facepalmed, "You're both completely stupid. I'm going for a walk outside so I can actually not get bogged down with personal issues for more than 2 minutes."

Carth looked heartbroken, "But Kar, we still need to talk!"

"Carth, I swear to the Force I'm going to murder you!"

Walking out of his apartment, Kar was almost immediately accosted by a light green skinned Twi'lek. The alien threw him a seedy look, "Are you the man who won the Swoop Race?"

Kar blinked, "Sure, I guess."

"Go see Canderous Ordo at the Cantina, he wants to talk to you."

"This sounds like the beginning of a rape scene for the record," Kar said, bewildered, "Wait a minute . . . Canderous Ordo?"

"Yeah man, yeah man," The Twi'lek hissed skittishly, "What about him?"

Kar remembered back only a few hours ago when he had decided to run away and abandon a certain Mercenary down in the Undercity, "Fucking shit!"

Bringing along Bastila and Carth was like having an atomic bomb explode behind you every ten seconds. Between the constant crying and complaining about basically everything, Kar was just about ready to blow his own brains out by the time he made it to the Cantina where Canderous was waiting for them.

When Kar's eyes set on Canderous, he winced. The Mandalorian was covered in scratches and his clothes were torn, apparently the only pair he owned, and along with that he had a giant band aid over his left eye. Oddly enough Canderous' giant repeater blaster also had a giant band aid along the length of it. The band aided blaster gave Kar the impression that Canderous was something of an obsessive maniac, which of course didn't make the already scary situation any better.

The Mandalorian soldier spotted them quickly and Kar could see the instant recognition in his eyes and his mouth transform into a scowl, "Five hundred percent huh?"

Kar winced, "Well at least now we know Carth can do some really bomb Math."

Bastila put her hands on her hips for about the seven hundredth time in the last hour, "You men are all the same. Bragging about your math skills and your blaster sizes, don't you know that female Jedi are better than all of that uncivilized nonsense?"

Kar rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to force smack Bastila senseless, "Ignore the crazy sexist over there, she's new here."

Canderous cocked a brow "seductively" at the female Jedi, "Maybe she could use some new experience with me."

"Can we please get back on the topic?"

"Okay well first thing's first, I hate you," Canderous grunted, and Kar nodded in agreement with this statement, "Second thing, even though I hate you, you're a way more capable fighter than I'd think. Or at least, SHE is."

He pointed at Bastila. The Jedi crossed her arms huffily, "Don't make me break your piggish finger."

"I love women who like to give it out rough."

"CAN WE PLEASE STAY ON TOPIC?" Kar exclaimed.

"Huh? Oh right, see I saw you win the Swoop Race which proves you're not completely useless. I'm planning to get off this planet because my Boss Davik has turned into a complete idiot. Have you seen that purple armor he's been wearing? Sheesh. Anyway, what I need you to do is go and get the Sith Codes from the Military Base, allowing us to use them and get past the Sith Blockade in Davik's ship, the Ebon Hawk. Get it?"

"How exactly do you plan to get us into the Sith base, it's locked down."

"You'll get in using a completely pointless droid you will never use in the rest of the game. His name is T3-M4, in other words he's totally fucking useless. You can buy him from the Droid Shop in Upper Taris, run by Keble Yurt. You in?"

"I don't agree with this plan," Bastila growled, "I could probably think of something much better."

Considering Bastila disagreed with everything any man said, Kar promptly ignored her opinion and for some reason decided he could at least ask Carth for his opinion, "What do you think Carth?"

"I agree with the purchase of the dildo."

Kar made a face, "Carth, it's not that kind of . . . You know what? Never mind, I don't even know why I bothered with you. We're in Canderous!"

"I get the feeling you idiots are going to mess this up," Canderous sighed, "But whatever, just go get the droid."

The droid shop was rather easy to find considering it seemed to be the only droid shop on the planet. It was run by a yellow skinned Twi'lek who seemed friendly enough.

Well she was friendly until the group realized what her ridiculous prices were.

"Twenty five hundred credit for that!?" Kar pointed at the rusty T3 unit, who seemed to be determined to run through the wall by constantly ramming into it, "It looks like you bought that thing from a garage sale and painted it silver."

"Leave this innocent woman alone!" Bastila snapped, "She is simply a woman trying to make a living in this world, but I bet your Patriarchy doesn't agree with that now does it?"

"Why do I even bother with women?!" Kar yelled, "For Force's sake fine!"

He slammed down his credits and stormed away, Bastila with a smug look on her face and Carth carrying T3 under his arm to stop the droid from ramming into another wall. Getting to the Sith Base was also not very difficult, since it was only a little ways across the street from the droid store and what they discovered is that in their way was a high security door with an added sign that read "No Intreuders".

Kar pinched the bridge of his nose, "These people are idiots," He turned to Carth, "What do we do with the droid now?"

Carth cocked his head to the side and made a thoughtful sound. Thinking about it must have been making his brain explode with the effort. Finally, Carth shrugged and just put the droid on the ground in the direction of the door, "Let him do his breaking thing I guess."

T3 rolled forward at the door. When the door finally came to the door, he repeatedly slammed against the door but made no move to actually open it. Kar's face looked ready to practically explode, literally explode, "I'm about to smack a bitch," He hissed.

Then all of the sudden after repeated bumps the door opened!

Kar's jaw just dropped, "The hell just happened?" T3 rolled back, head spinning and made a wild set of beeps and whistles that Kar translated fluently, "What do you mean you penetrated the door?"

T3 made a long, seductive sounding beep.

Kar rubbed the bridge of his nose, "Great, we have a horn dog, near rapist droid on our team."

The astromech droid whistled indignantly.

"T3 don't lie, it's incredibly like rape!"

Bastila sneered angrily, "Even the droids are into your whole Male Patriarchy huh? What ever happened to "All droids are created equal"?

"What are you even talking about?"

"Um," Carth said meekly, "Could we go inside now, T3 is humping my leg."

Kar threw an accusatory look at an unashamed T3, "I hate all of you."

The sith base was heavily guarded and protected just as the team had expected, however the four of them managed to work out a strategy pretty quickly after getting into the base. T3 would roll forward over the feet of the soldiers, throwing off the focus and concentration of the guards as the three human warrior/crybabies cleaved through them with ease. Carth seemed to go into one of his homicidal states and murdered people left and right, headshots everywhere while Bastila twirled her double bladed lightsaber, creating a yellow wall of light that deflected dozens of blaster bolts back into the wall of defending Sith troopers. Kar threw a cryoban grenade to split up and blow back the Sith and the remaining soldiers ran and retreated.

The four man squad pushed forward and struck down the remaining Sith, leaving them unopposed as they pushed further into the bed. A Duros in a force cage cried out to them, "Wait a minute, it's you! Do you remember me!? I was the Duros who hid the bodies for you!"

"Don't remember your name," Kar shouted back, "Fuck off ass!"

The squad continued by the Duros and then managed to make it to the elevator that led down into the lower level of the base, where the governor's office lay.

The group entered the elevator and Bastila closed her eyes as it descended, "I can sense the Dark Side radiating below, from the Governor. He is a powerful Dark Jedi, all of you beware."

"He sounds like a dick," Kar noted.

"It takes one to know one."

"You know Bastila, I will smack the force right out of your vagina."

Before they could continue, the elevator door dinged open. The four of them stepped out of the elevator and trekked through the dramatically long hallway to the office entrance. Kar opened the door and they came face to face with the governor, who rose and turned to meet them, pale hands clutching his double Vibrosword tightly, "So, four idiots have come to face me. A Jedi, a force sensitive retard, a sensitive man woman and a rapist droid."

Carth tapped Kar's shoulder, "Which one of us is the sensitive man woman?"

"Carth, just shut up and shoot him!"

"What!?" The Governor exclaimed, "The four of you fools cannot hope to possibly . . ."

Then T3 set him on fire with his flamethrower and the supposed "Dark Jedi" fell to the ground, screaming in pain until he finally succumbed to the fire and died, a charred black corpse.

Kar and Bastila's jaw dropped. Bastila blinked, "When did you get a flamethrower!?"

T3 whistled innocently.

"And you didn't think to mention that?" Kar demanded. T3 beeped indignantly and Kar's face became red again, "I'm spacing all of you except for Bastila when we get off this goddamn planet."