A/N-As always, J. Lucy-Daisuke is an absolutely, amazingly fabulous beta-reader, and she is the one responsible for the fact that this is comprehensible and shorter than 10,000 words, much to the delight of many of you, I'm sure. That being so, you should be ETERNALLY grateful to her, much like I am :)

A/N (part II)-I usually don't like to put my opinions in my stories, especially in Author's Notes, but I'm noticing a severe lack of RSPD fics in, like, the whole world. Come on, guys! I can't be the only one! D:

It really is quite amazing what people do when they get desperate for money. Some people sell their bodies for uncouth purposes; others engage in horrid acts of middle-management. Still others decide to abandon conventional pleasures all together and live the merry, vagrant life of a neighborhood hobo.

At the moment, Tycho wished that he had chosen any of these options over what he was doing now.

It had been well over two hours since his apology to Gabriel, and he had felt every single second of it. The cavern was dark and quite possibly endless, not to mention the something that dripped on him every few feet. Granted, it had been worse earlier; Gabriel had begun singing to "lighten the mood," and would not shut up until Tycho threatened him with thirty-seven bullets shot into his eye.

It must have been nearing the third hour of wandering when Gabriel, sounding a bit wearied, asked, "Hey…are we dead?"

"Well, I think we're one level above Hell right now, but no, we shouldn't be dead," Tycho responded. "Why do you ask?"

"'Cause I see a light up ahead. That's what happens when you're dead, right? You see a light at the end of a tunnel?" the shadow beside him gestured in front of them. Tycho looked up. Indeed, there seemed to be a reddish light up ahead. His eyebrows rose.

"Huh… Maybe that's Hell," he mused, then shrugged. "Well, if it is, it's better than walking around here any longer. Let's take a look."

He quickened his pace, motioning for Gabriel to follow. It turned out that the light wasn't too far away, but simply was rather small. It was powerful, though, as it bathed the surrounding five feet with an eerie red light.

Tycho, using the light to his advantage, took a moment check himself for any lecherous creatures that might have secretly attached to him in order to feed on his life-sustaining juices. None were found, much to his pleasure. However, he could see dark circles budding all over his half-exposed arms, no doubt a result of his fall earlier that day. That was not going to be fun tomorrow.

Gabriel, meanwhile, was examining the source of the light. It was a small chink in the wall, maybe around two square inches, filled with a glowing red liquid of sorts.

"What's this?" he asked, slowly inching his finger toward it.

"Gabriel…Gabriel, don't touch—!" Tycho was too late.

"OW!" Gabriel yelped in pain, quickly yanking his hand back and cradling it gently in the other. "Fuck, my—holy shit, that—nnghffFFUCK!"

Tycho looked on, unsympathetic. "Yes, you see, what you just touched is called magma. Do you know what magma is?" Gabriel shook his head in the negative, tearfully sucking on his finger. "Then let me give you a science lesson. Magma is rock that has been melted in the middle of the Earth. And it's not melted like chocolate. It's melted at a two-thousand-and-four-hundred fucking degrees Fahrenheit! So that's why you got an ouchie."

"God, you don't need to be such an ass about it," Gabriel muttered. "Let's just…let's just find this damn bird."

He stomped off, pouting again. Tycho shook his head. It was a good thing Gabriel had a natural death resistance; it looked like he'd need it for this job.

Tycho jogged up to his partner and, as he caught up, noticed other spots of magma around them, slightly illuminating the path. He almost immediately began musing to himself. "All right, so we're close to a magma flow. The bird must be close, then, and it must enjoy the warmth. But what kind of bird would live near magma? Maybe it's not a bird at all…it could be a dragon, I suppose…"

"Dragons are cool," Gabriel chimed in.

"On a normal day, yes, dragons are cool. But this one will want to kill us, so let's hope it's not a dragon. It could be a senmurv."

"A what?"

"It…it's hard to explain. Think of a bird-dog. On fire," Tycho noticed the magma chunks getting bigger; they must be getting closer. "Although…senmurvs don't typically eat people…so…I stand by my original assertion of a ropengryph."

Gabriel smacked his forehead. "Ugh…Can I…Can I just stop listening to you? Like, seriously."

Tycho was about to tell his partner that, if he valued his job and life, he would listen, but his tongue immediately froze as he saw a large opening up ahead. Without knowing why, he bolted up to it, then skidded to a halt as he reached it.

In front of him was a huge abyss, at the bottom of which was what could only be described as an ocean of lava. Slender rock columns held up large stone slabs, looking like a primitive Parthenon. One of these slabs formed a sort of bridge leading to a giant pile of sticks with smooth, speckled domes on top. Tycho gasped as he realized it was a nest. But…a nest like this…it was something only seen in history books dating back to the oldest of times, just after the Time before times.

"By the four below…" he breathed as Gabriel caught up.

"What?" his bearish associate asked before looking around. His eyes, irises reflecting the red of the magma, widened as they made a circuit of the area. "Hot damn…"

Before Tycho could reply, there was a loud rustling from inside the nest. Both men stared up in terror at the dark form rising in front of them, but the Scholar's eyes held a definite amount of awe as well. He had been expecting something rather rare; birds just didn't swoop out of the ground and eat geriatrics. But this? Never. He'd never dreamed that he would get to see this magnificent beast in person.

Deepcrow.

The creature flapped its mammoth wings and let out a loud, "CAWKRAAAAA!" Its beak snapped viciously at the air, red insectoid eyes glittering in the low light.

"She…she's beautiful…" Tycho said reverently. "So…Majestic…"

"Yeah, that's great. Give me three minutes and we'll have 'er for dinner," Gabriel said, rolling up his sleeves and starting to make his way toward the nest. Tycho made a choked sort of noise and quickly pulled his partner back.

"Are you insane?" he hissed. "Deepcrow are millennia old! This specimen is one of about five in the whole universe! Her species most likely watched the Earth being formed."

He looked back up at the Deepcrow as she tidied her nest. "Ohh…what a beauty. What a blessing!" he grinned at Gabriel. "We are probably the first mortals to see her in her natural habitat."

The former prize-fighter crossed his arms impatiently, "But what about the old people? Remember them? They're paying us. And you need windows."

Tycho's smile faded as he remembered why they had been sent down here in the first place, "Oh…right."

Gabriel nodded, "Yeah. So we need to start kicking some bird ass right now."

Tycho sucked his teeth, thinking frantically, "But…we can't kill her…Gabriel, see those eggs? She's a mother."

To his great surprise, Gabriel's face softened, and he frowned. "I…I guess killing a mom is kinda fucked up…"

"You see? So there has to be another way," Tycho began pacing back down the cavern a few feet, then back toward the magma abyss, trying to remember what he had learned about Deepcrow. He snapped as he had an idea, "Deepcrow are easily amused!"

"What?" Gabriel cocked his head.

"Yes! You see, while Deepcrow are among the Ancient Ones, they still are baffled by simple sleights of hand. We just need to do a magic trick!"

The Brute's brow furrowed, "Like what? Neither of us are wizards, last I checked."

Tycho scowled. "Wizards…Pathetic beings." He shook his head. "Anyway, we don't need a wizard. I'm a magician."

"No!" Gabe's eyes were wide in amazement. Tycho smiled.

"Yes, as a matter of fact. Here, give me a coin."

Gabriel obliged. Tycho closed his fist over it and deftly hid it behind two fingers. He opened his seemingly empty hand, "Ta-da."

His trick was received with tiny applause from his partner, who promptly demanded that he make it reappear. Tycho reached behind the Brute's ear and did so. Gabriel was dumbfounded.

"You see?" the Scholar asked. "We'll just do that and catch her unawares. I've heard they give rides after being confused like this, so we'll ride her out and find her a good home." He turned to face the opening and sucked in a deep breath. "Now, if this doesn't work, I'll need you to punch her, okay?"

Gabriel cracked his knuckles eagerly, "Fuck yes."

"And you'll need to be careful. If you break one of her eggs, she'll go into a murderous rage. That's bad, Gabriel."

The Brute nodded. Tycho readied his coin and his gun. He didn't want to shoot a Deepcrow, but he'd have no choice if the situation really got dire. Straightening his back, he started walking toward the nest, with Gabriel a few paces behind. The Deepcrow was tending to her eggs and didn't notice them. Tycho turned back to his partner.

"Do you think you can get her attention?" he asked.

Gabriel nodded and immediately put his thumb and forefinger between his lips to let out the most ear-splitting, hellish whistle Tycho had ever heard.

The Deepcrow looked up, snapping her beak as she saw the two men. With a loud "CAWKRAAA!" she flew up out of the nest and started toward them. Tycho immediately started backtracking, running into Gabriel and almost flinging them both into the lava below. As the Brute regained his balance, Tycho held up the hand with the coin.

"All right…nice girl…niiiice girl…Look! Look at the coin!" Duplicating the disappearing trick he had performed earlier, he opened his empty palm. Deepcrow cocked her head, ruby eyes blinking in wonder. She clicked her beak as she moved toward him, bewildered by the trick. "Yes…Yes, that's a good girl…Don't be startled by us…"

"Do we get on her back now?" Gabriel asked under his breath. "Do I get to punch her?"

"No, I think we're good on the punching," Tycho whispered back. "And she's not confused enough yet; let me have the coin reappear." He returned his focus back to the giant bird in front of him. "You want to see the coin come back?"

The beast clicked her beak again, getting even closer to Tycho. His hair grew heavy under her warm, moist breath; it was like being in a blood-scented sauna. He reached up on tiptoes to the side of her head to procure the coin, but he fumbled his footing and nearly went flying off the side of the stone bridge again. The good news was that Gabriel caught him in the nick of time; the bad news was that he dropped the coin into the inferno below and, since Deepcrow is actually a rather intelligent species, the bird found out that the trick was a hoax.

Well, that was fan-fucking-tastic.

Deepcrow flew into the air with a furious "CAWKRAAAAAA!" and immediately began strafing the two men. Both let out a scream and ducked as she swooped toward them, just barely missing her razor-sharp talons.

"Run to the nest!" Tycho yelled to Gabriel, who didn't need to be told twice.

Gabriel bolted over to the huge nest and dove inside, Tycho not far behind. The two paranormal investigators hid behind a massive egg, breathing hard. Out of his peripheral vision, Tycho could see a skeleton in what seemed to be an exterminator's uniform. He swallowed hard. So, he thought. That's what's become of Carl. Charming.

He glanced over at Gabriel, who was desperately watching him and obviously waiting for instruction. He was about to divulge his new plan when a loud screech filled the cavern, making them both jump. He swallowed again and tried to find his voice.

"O-okay, plan B," he whispered. "I'll try and get her close. You punch the shit out of her until she's out cold, and we get the old people the hell out of here."

"How are you gonna get her close?" Gabriel murmured.

"Well, when she sees me near her eggs, she'll get protective and try to kill me. I'll have my gun, so I can probably surprise her with a few shots. While she's surprised, you can punch her," he stared hard at his partner. "Now, Gabriel, this is of the utmost importance. Listen to me; focus. You cannot hurt her eggs."

"I cannot hurt her eggs."

Tycho nodded and clapped him on the shoulder, "Good man."

There was another screech; they jumped. Tycho took a deep breath, then got to his feet. Slowly, he walked toward the middle of the nest. He realized, as he was trudging toward the center of this heap of twigs, that he could quite possibly die in the next minute. It wasn't as though this was new information, but still…not a pleasant thought, you know? He'd much rather be thinking about the last book he finished. It had been a good one; there had been a dragon in—

His thoughts abruptly stopped as he heard a swooshing of wings. Without even thinking, he unleashed a flurry of bullets into the air. A moment later, he heard a loud scream.

"Gabriel," he realized, then ran over to where his partner still was. "Gabriel! Gabe!" Gabriel was hunched over in pain. "Gabriel?"

"Nngh!" came the reply. "Shit!"

"What happened? Did she get you?"

"You shot me!" the ex-prize-fighter bellowed. "You shot my goddamn arm, you son of a bitch!"

Tycho stared at the other man for a minute, looking for any sign of serious injury, then sighed, half in relief and half in agitation, "You got in my way!"

"You weren't even aiming!"

"You still should have had better sense than to—wait…" Tycho trailed off, glancing around. Gabriel, gripping his bleeding arm, stared at him oddly.

"What the f—"

"Shh…listen."

The two partners stood in silence for a moment, listening. Every few moments, Gabriel would let loose with a few hushed curses, but other than that it was completely silent. No ruffle of feathers, no snaps of a toothy beak. Total, complete silence. Total, complete silence that shouldn't be happening. Slowly, Tycho searched the cavern for their target; she was nowhere to be found.

"Did…did you kill it?" the Brute asked softly. Tycho shook his head.

"No…a few bullets wouldn't hurt her. And even if I did, we would have heard it."

The bloody glow from the magma below glinted off Gabriel's eyes as they widened, and, ever so softly, he whispered, "Then…where is it?"

"CAWKRAAAAAAAA!"

The Deepcrow swooped down at them, beak wide open as she prepared to tear them to pieces. Both men screamed and dove away. Tycho blasted bullets after her as he yelled to Gabriel, "Punch her! Punch the fucking bird, Gabriel!"

Gabriel quickly got to his feet and into his fighting stance. With as much force as he could muster, he swung his arm around toward the bird. The Deepcrow, still focused on trying to eat Tycho, didn't see him and was caught completely off-guard as Gabriel's fist collided with her side. She was thrown over the side of the nest, shrieking in a panic. Gabriel grinned in triumph.

"Yeah, what now, bird?" he yelled over the side of the nest. "And that was with a shot arm!" The Brute pumped the air excitedly, not noticing when his elbow nudged one of the eggs. That egg tilted over to knock over another egg, which knocked over another egg. Tycho saw what was about to happen, and he ran over to the last egg, pressing his back against it to keep it from falling over.

Unfortunately, Deepcrow eggs are fragile. When the second-to-last egg tipped into it, the pressure between the domino effect and the Brahe effect caused it to more or less explode. Tycho froze in horror, and not simply due to the fact that he was now covered in Deepcrow fetus. He whirled around to glare at Gabriel, who slowly lowered his arm.

"You…fucking…idiot," the Scholar hissed between his teeth. "You…"

Whatever he had to say was drowned out by an eardrum-shattering, soul-tearing screech. A black blur full of righteous fury whirled around the nest, shrieking like a banshee. Rocks fell from above with thundering cracks, and Tycho dove into the sticks and debris of the nest to avoid being crushed to death. He couldn't recall a time when he was this angry, or, at the very least, this angry with a specific person. And, as he hid from the rainfall of stalagmites, he even tried to send his anger out in waves that would hopefully blast Gabriel out of existence.

From his shaky hideout, he heard a great whoosh of wings and the final plops of rocks falling into the magma lake below them. Then, silence. Tycho waited a moment, then pushed his way out of the twig and bone mini-cave. He looked around the cavern, and he felt his stomach drop to his feet.

Complete destruction, everywhere. The eggs were now a mess of slop and broken shells that covered the bottom of what used to be the nest. Several of the stone columns had toppled over into the lava below; through new holes in the ceiling of the cavern, he could see chunks of blue sky. Miraculously, the bridge leading back into the tunnel was still intact, giving him a way out.

He grabbed his tommy-gun and started for the bridge. No sign of Gabriel; maybe he fell into the pit below. At the moment, Tycho didn't really care where the Brute was so long as he wasn't near him. Midway through wading through liquefied baby Deepcrows, he heard a sound like twigs snapping. He turned around, wondering if perhaps one of the eggs had survived and, as a result of the recent trauma it had endured, was hatching prematurely. Of course, that would have been a miracle, but it was worth a look.

"Uh…are you alive? Tycho?"

It turned out to be a miracle after all; the very last miracle Tycho wanted to see right now.

The idiot had survived.

"Well, whoop-dee-fuckin'-doo," the Scholar hissed.

Gabriel looked around the wreckage with wide eyes, looking totally surprised at what had transpired. The sleeve of his shot arm was soaked with blood, and his black hair was weighed down with chick-juice. He met Tycho's eyes hesitantly, looking a bit like a dog that had just been caught peeing on the sofa.

"I…I'm sorry…" the Brute said quietly. "I…I didn't mean…"

"Don't," Tycho gave him his most searing glare. "I don't want you to talk to me. I'd rather if you never talked to me ever again. So you shut your fucking mouth and save your goddamn apologies for someone who actually wants to hear you."

He whirled around and jumped down from the nest, walking briskly across the bridge to the tunnel. He heard Gabriel's thudding footsteps follow, hurrying to catch up to him.

"Listen, I get that you're mad—" he started, but Tycho quickly cut him off.

"Oh, I'm mad? I didn't notice."

"You don't need to be such a dick about it! I mean, honestly—"

Tycho stopped dead in his tracks, but he didn't turn around. His free hand clenched into a fist, and, as icily as possible, he said, "Gabriel, I'm going to be frank with you. I wish, I wish with all my very being, that you had fucking died back there."

That shut the other man up.

With a minute movement of his head, he glanced back to look back at Gabriel. The ex-prizefighter's mouth hung open, and, if Tycho didn't know it was physically impossible, he would have thought someone had slapped the Brute across the face.

The Scholar whipped his head forward again and started walking. He had to admit, what he had said was pretty harsh, even for Tycho. There was a possibility that, improbably as it sounded, Gabriel's feelings might have been hurt. But that didn't matter. As of right now, Tycho meant every word he had said.