Well, the Cake God EVENTUALLY got my memo.
Shame, it was about 1095 days too late.
THANKS A LOT, PAL.
(That's three years for the less mathematically gifted)
Now, the Pines twins are back to stay...
In fact, aside from the natural transformations caused by puberty...
And Mabel's dental treatment being completed...
They're pretty much the same.
Me, on the other hand...
I couldn't be any different...
Oh, wait, scratch that...
The way I am now...
Is how I've been for most of my life...
So, no great surprises there...
What I meant is...
The girl they began to know, at the end of that summer...
The one who started to openly defy her parents...
Think about others beside herself...
And emerge from a chrysalis like a beautiful butte...
(UGH, TOO SOPPY, PAZ!)
Has now gone for good.
Without their help...
I'm afraid I couldn't help, but regress...
Back to the pampered 'princess' I was once before...
Except, now I've turned things up to 11...
And have REALLY begun to crush others under my metaphorical boot.
The same way I stamped on Mabel's foot ten minutes ago.
To put an end to her tiresome mollycoddling
(Which I do NOT feel sorry about. Honest)
I already more-or-less run this dump of a school...
(In fact, I thought of it as a test case
For my eventual takeover of Gravity Falls
THE WEAK SHALL SUBMIT!
Or, something like that...
Quoting my dad there...)
I have everyone, including the teachers...
Eating out of the palm of my hand...
My future was all set...
I was feeling good...
And, tonight was supposed to be the cultimation of all that...
But, now
Fate has thrown a spanner in the works
Sand in my shoes
A llama in my soup
(I made that last one up
Clever, no?)
In the shape of these twins
Who, even as I sit here...
Procrastinating, in these l-o-n-g, drawn out sentences
Are staring at me in this tiny little alcove
Wondering what I'm going to say next...
Dipper, I can tell
Thinks I've been very rude and standoffish
Since him and his sister's return
And Mabel...
To be frank
I can't bear to even peek at her
But I can tell...
She seems heartbroken...
Am I really THAT different from before?
What's wrong with me, anyway?
I have a good life... Right?
Perhaps I can make them understand.
Yes, this'll impress them!
Then, if they look happier...
Maybe this cloud of gloom which has started to appear above my head...
Will start to disappear...
And I can start concentrating on more important things...
Such as, planning for tonight.
I might even invite them,
Let bygones be bygones
Prove there are no hard feelings
Yeah, that'll be sweet!
It can't fail.
I know it won't...
Because I thought of it.
So, that's what I do.
I tell them I control things around here...
Even the grown-ups are in awe of my superiority...
And, together with my two besties...
We make sure NO-ONE steps out of line...
Because, if they do...
We make their life a living hell.
Then, I let slip about Chad...
Tell them about the great evening we have planned...
In the back of his Lamborghini...
How I'll FINALLY be christened a woman
And be on a par with all the other girls I know...
Who tell me they lost their virginity years ago.
(And that's just about the ONLY thing
Those chancers have got over me...
I CAN'T WAIT to correct that.)
You'd think they'd be impressed...
With my leadership skills...
My assertiveness...
And having the hottest boy in school as my 'first'...
But, watching their expressions...
Turn from concern, to horrified, to...
(A mixture of the two?!)
You wouldn't believe it
Then, when I'd finished the story of my rise to the top
Instead of congratulating me on my achievements
And lauding me for my accomplishments
They start whispering amongst themselves
What are they saying?
I strain my ear to listen...
"It's worse than we thought... Maybe we should..."
"Never have left her alone... Those parents of hers..."
"Poisoned her mind... I feel so sorry for..."
Feel sorry?
FOR ME?!
My anger immediately rises to the fore again
Who do these ragamuffins think they are?
Yes, it was sad that their father bit the big one...
Yes, it's a tragedy that their mom is a diagnosed basket case
And YES, it wasn't nice for them to tossed around the country
Like an unloved sock puppet
Rather than stay in the one place they truly belonged
But, by the same token...
THEY'RE the ones who refused to call ME
THEY'RE the ones who disconnected their line, so I couldn't call THEM
and THEY'RE the ones who turned all my new friends at the shack against me
So, if you think about it...
They're almost as responsible as my parents...
For who I am today.
And, that's exactly what I shout at them, there and then
(Sprinkled in with a few swear words, of course)
To interrupt their private little 'twin' talk
All I want, is a reaction
A sign, that my words are getting through to them
SAY SOMETHING TO ME, DAMN IT!
But, for the longest time...
(Well, five minutes at least)
They give me that same, eerie stare...
That I've seen from them, since they were subjected to the 'new' me
I'm fed up with that look
It makes me feel...
Well, 'uneasy' would be putting it mildly...
Like I've done something terrible...
And I'm not aware of it.
That can't be the case.
Then AT LAST...
Dipper speaks...
And this is what he said...
(I have to write this down
Since I couldn't believe it myself)
"Pacifica, I don't want you to go to that party tonight."
WHAT?! You can't be serious.
I was staggered he could even DREAM up such a notion
What cheek!
What rubbish!
What balderdash!
(Try using that last word some time... You might fool others into thinking you're smart)
And, I was about to tell him so.
But,there was more
"You're right, you're absolutely right.
We shouldn't have shut you out for all these years
I know we were acting in what we thought were your best interests
But I now know that ignoring you completely was the wrong thing to do.
I mean, look at what the lack of positive role models in your life has done to you!
You think bullying others is the way to get ahead.
You think giving yourself to another man will somehow enhance your credibility
And you think this party tonight is the be and end all?
You're wrong... All that'll happen is it'll bring you one step closer to BEING your parents.
And the Pacifica I know from three years ago would never have agreed to that."
(At this point, Mabel started nodding her head firmly
Her tears had gone, and there was a steely, determined look on her face.)
How... HOW dare he
He wasn't going to get away with that!
For all he knew, the REAL Pacifica
Could be the one standing in front of him right now...
Thoroughly p*ssed off
And about to slam him into the wall.
This NICE Pacifica, which he seemed so smitten with...
Could be just as much a construct...
As the NASTY Pacifica my parents had manufactured...
Who's to say which one was real...
And which one was fake...?
AARGH! I'm so confused...
BREATHE, Pacifica, BREATHE...
It's at time like this I almost yearn for the predictability of the bell...
(AARGH! I can't believe I just thought that
Shut up, brain)
So anyway, before I completely lose my mind...
I tell him...
I tell him how deluded he is...
I tell him that he couldn't possibly know me...
I tell him I'm happy as I am...
But, I can read his face.
He doesn't believe a word of it...
"No, Pacifica.
It might have been a long time ago now...
But I'll never forget remember that smile you gave me, in the secret room...
When I told you you didn't have to be like your parents...
And that it wasn't too late to change your destiny...
You can't fake a smile like that...
That was the first time...
You truly had hope, wasn't it?
That, you could break the chain...
And turn the Northwest name around...
I had faith in you...
And, I..."
(Mabel nudges him)
"Ow... WE still do.
So, will you do it Pacifica?
Will you ditch that stupid party tonight?
And come with me and Mabel, just to hang out?
I know, if you see how much fun you can have
WITHOUT glitz...
WITHOUT glamour
WITHOUT pushing innocents around
And, most of all
WITHOUT having a tacky one night stand
You'll begin to see, again...
Just how much better life can be...
If you open up...
Be yourself...
And most of all...
STOP listening to those horrible parents of yours.
So, what d'ya say Pacifica?
Do you wanna go an adventure with us...
For old times sake?"
He grinned at me, for the second time that day
He clearly expected a positive answer
He must have thought it was easy for me
To cast off the shackles of my heritage
To live life for others, as well as myself
And forego everything I'd been taught
In exchange for this highly dubious thing
Called 'friendship'.
Well, he was gonna be disappointed, then
The road I'm on now
Is a one way street
Maybe I COULD have changed direction, at some stage
A few years ago
But, it's too late now.
I'm too far gone.
I can't just switch my entire philosphy around
Just because of the reemergence of the Pines twins again...
Right?
Well, anyway...
That's what I thought...
And it wasn't worth dwelling on, now.
So, I had no choice
But to rain on his little parade
And tell him I had no intention of altering my life's course
And if he couldn't accept that...
Why, I'd ignore him...
The way he ignored me for all those years...
And he and his sister...
Would NOT be invited to my prestigious celebrations that night
(And, by the way, Sev'ral Timez would be attending
I added that as a passing shot at Mabel)
I had nothing more to say.
I decided to get up, and walk out of the door.
(And besides, the muck in the room was ruining my Ugs)
They could find some other sucker to be their tour guide
Perhaps I could strongarm one of my gallery of victims to do it for me.
(There are plenty who owe me BIG time in this place, believe me)
But, as I pondered on this...
I noticed something quite unusual.
Dipper, who I assumed would take my refusal the easiest
Was staring at the ground, looking utterly crestfallen
Mabel, on the other hand...
Who I would have put good money on being all morose and stuff
(And believe me, I have LOTS of it... Oh, you knew that already)
Had the same spark of defiance...
And dare I say, optimism?
That she's kept from a few minutes ago.
She hadn't even blinked when I mentioned
She'd be missing out on seeing her favourite boyband...
LIVE.
Weird.
Actually, that word sums them both up perfectly...
Weird.
Oh well, no point in getting my panties in a bundle over it now
I had a party to get to...
I'd made my choice...
And I'd live with it...
C'est la vie, and all that jazz...
Sigh...
LATER...
The rest of the schoolday was somewhat uneventful.
I ran into Chad again.
His team had won the big game
Woo hoo
He tried to cop another feel
I copped his nads with my right foot
Geez, can't he even wait until tonight?!
Chantal and Tiffany saw me at lunch
There was more squealing about what they were going to wear...
More excitement about the 'entertainment'
Aanndd of course...
Chantal needed help with her homework
I'm starting to think...
If she wasn't so rich...
She might have been held back a grade or two.
Like me though her parents are major donors to the school...
So, (Financially at least)
It wouldn't be a very wise decision.
Oh, I almost forgot...
My English teacher is REALLY getting on my nerves.
I think his name is Mr Pat, or something.
He keeps telling me to stop using capital letter sentences in my stories.
He says he's asked about 975 times already (surely an overexaggaration?)
My only response to him was
"HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO ACCURATELY INVOKE SOMEONE SHOUTING?
I CAN'T SEE HOW IT CAN BE DIFFICULT TO READ.
JUST ENJOY THE CONTENT, AND STOP FRETTING THE SMALL STUFF!"
That shut him up.
Tee hee... Pacifica... Handling stuff like a BOSS since 1999.
Accept no substitutes.
LATER STILL.
It was just before the party, when it happened.
My parents had entrusted me with the responsibility...
Of making sure the set-up went smoothly...
So, I was in my best Lake Foam green dress...
(No, not the same one from three years ago
That would just be stupid, right?)
Waiting for the guests to arrive...
Making sure the horderves were in the right trays...
The ice sculptures were positioned correctly...
The stage was set up for Sev'ral Time to perform...
And, of course...
Protection for Chad on my dresser table.
(He SAID he'd bring some himself...
But I wouldn't take his word for it)
I was just upstairs...
Putting the last of my three layers of make-up on...
That I heard a noise.
Sort of... Like a BANG.
I dropped my eye liner immediately...
And went to investigate
Hang on...
Why does it suddenly feel cold in here...
AARGH!
A BROKEN WINDOW!
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!
Is someone in the mansion?
Not willing to take any chances...
I go to grab for my cellphone...
Only, to find...
IT'S NOT THERE!
"Looking for this?"
I glance to my left...
And there is a face of someone I haven't seen in YEARS.
Now, what was her name again...
Fork la...
No, that's not right...
I search my memory banks...
Chocolate...
Sweets...
CANDY, that's it!
Shame, I haven't got enough time for self congratulations.
Because she's holding my phone...
And bashing the buttons like it belongs to her...
She even has the NERVE to say
"Yes, a nice, expensive model
But the camera isn't as good as mine..."
WHAT THE?!
I'm about to tell her to"GIVE ME MY CELL BACK"
Before throwing her out of the smashed window...
But, before I can do that...
ANOTHER familiar face makes themselves known.
Only this one... Is far more recent.
I look at her, and snarl.
"MABEL!"
So SHE was the mastermind behind this break in.
What was she after...
Jewels?
Money?
Or, was she going to kidnap all the members of Sev'ral Time
And keep them as her personal slaves?
(Yeah, like THAT'LL happen.
Calm down, Pacifica.)
I run over to her.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" I hissed, adding...
"AND HOW DID YOU GET IN?!" as an afterthought...
Giving me a braces-free grin, Mabel replied.
"HI, PAZ! I'll field the second question first...
Isn't it AMAZING how this gadget still works... And holds my weight...
After all these years... My precious, little"
I groaned. I knew what she was about to show me.
She'd got plenty of milage out of it...
During that summer we spent together...
Might have even saved our lives on a few occasions...
I just hope she didn't yell out those immortal wor...
"GRAPPLING HOOK!"
Ooh, my ears. No such luck.
Still, at least SOMEONE must have heard that racket from downstairs
And come up to check it out...
For a split-second there, I almost had belief...
Then I remembered something...
The average age of the servants here is hovering around the 60 mark.
There is NO WAY such ancient relics could detect that with their fading senses
Damn my parents policy of hiring lots of 'seniors' to save money
Damn them to...
Mabel stopped my train of thought with her incessant babble.
"And to your first question, I can only say...
We're here to... KIDNAP YOU! GRENDA, NOW!"
Suddenly, a bulky teenage girl came at me, from nowhere...
She had with her a giant pink sack...
And on it, stitched in big letters (Well, with the 'F' half hanging off)
Was the word:
'FRIENDSHIP BAG'
What on Eart...
And, before I knew what was happening...
The sack was over my head...
I was pushed inside...
And the opening was securely tied together.
Before I knew it, I was being carried.
Swung on the back of that gorilla with lipstick
OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!
I found myself being bashed repeatedly by her firm bone structure
I bet I haven't recieved this many bruises, since my Dad used to...
HANG ON! HE'S NOT THE ONE AT FAULT HERE!
That would be our lax security, non-attentive staff and abscence of surveillance cameras.
In fact... maybe it IS his fault... If it wasn't for his penny-pinching...
AARGH! STOP THINKING, PACIFICA!
The only things you should be concentrating are:
Get out of this sack
Look fabulous
Eat a hearty meal (about 200 calories should cover it)
Rock out to music
Get laid...
To be honest... Even the FIRST one would be good round about now...
Mabel had forgotten to poke any breathing holes in the sack...
'COUGH COUGH'
"HELP!"