Chapter 6

"Half is better then none"

Bella's POV

I wasn't sure what was happening as I looked into Edward's eyes. He wanted to know me, he thought it was a tragedy that he didn't. Though once he really knew me would he still feel that way, once he knew all the things I have done and been through. Would he still want to know me? What do you mean by 'once he knew', are you planning on telling him? My subconscious questioned and I was actually unsure of how to answer myself. Not that I really had to answer myself, but I was anxious to know what I was going to do also. Something was pulling at me telling me to open up to him, telling me I could trust him, but I wasn't sure I was ready for that. Charlie did tell me that I needed to talk to someone, was Edward that someone? Was this the time for that? Could I possible tell him anything at all? I was comfortable with him in ways I had never been with anyone before. The warm and fuzzy feeling was almost unbearable tonight and at every little touch it blazed. His touch eased me, even more so then Jacob, because Edward's touch eased the pain unlike anyone else had been able to. I wasn't in a lot of pain right now, because I am sure my brain was trying to protect me for a little while. But what pain I did have Edward's touch eased. It made me want for his contact and when it was lost I felt cold and uneasy.

Edward and I were still staring at each other silently and I was trying to read the emotions in those jade eyes, but they were passing by too quickly. I saw his arm move out of the corner of my eye, then his hand came up and stroked my cheek. Setting off the fire of my blush and also that warm/fuzzy feeling that I couldn't explain. I thought he was about to remove his hand from my face, but he instead cupped my cheek.

"I guess we better turn in for the night." He said, but I had a feeling he wanted to say something else and changed his mind.

Edward showed me to the guest room and then pointed to the door down the hall telling me that if I needed anything that was his room. I reluctantly left the comfort of his presence and touch to go into the room. My head hit the pillow and I must have been more tired then I even realized, because sleep came quickly. Edward's face floated in my mind as I fell into unconsciousness.

As I came out of sleep I realized that today wasn't going to be as easy as yesterday. My brain had only protected me for two days and now it decided to go back into our regular routine. Anxiety came over me and my chest heaved. Bitter, sweet images rang through my mind and the thousand pound weight pushed on my chest again. Living was once again worse then dying. The pain was more then I wanted to deal with, it was unbearable. I pulled my knees to my chest, a knock at the door startled me. I had forgotten I wasn't at home, I had forgotten about the storm that had me trapped here. I tried to get control of myself so no one would see me like this. I threw my legs over the side of the bed and found my voice.

"Come in." My voice shook as I tried to keep myself upright and fight off the pain. The door creaked open and I sat up tall as Alice peeked around the corner.

"Hey sorry to bother you, I was just going to let you know that I put some cloths, towels, and other needs in the connected bathroom for you. Then whenever your ready to come down breakfast is ready." She smiled at me and I could see it in her eyes. The concern and the pity, I hated it.

"Thanks." I said and she nodded and started to close the door. "Alice." I said stopping her.

"Yeah?" She asked and I felt a tear slid down my cheek. She rushed in the room and sat down beside me. "Bella are you ok?" She asked rubbing my arm. It didn't ease the pain or comfort me like Edward's touch did.

"How much do you know?" I asked taking a deep breath. She let out a heavy sigh, but I couldn't look at her. I was in too much pain as it was, I really didn't need to see the pity in her eyes.

"Only what others know I suppose. I know about your loss and your struggle with addiction." Alice said quietly. "Sorry Bella." I just nodded my head and got up from the bed with shaky legs.

"Do all of you know?" I asked really only wanting to know about one person.

"I suppose all of us do with the exception of Edward, he only likes hearing things from the source." My breath caught in my throat and I realized just how much I could trust Edward. He didn't want to hear my story from anyone, but me. I wasn't worthy of that kind of trust.

I some how managed to make it to the bathroom without falling over, but once inside the door I wasn't so lucky. I had to cling to the sink for support.

With a lot of fucking work, I managed to get a shower and get dressed. I found the strength somewhere to pull myself together and go downstairs. Everyone else was already dressed and set up at the kitchen counter.

"Morning Bella. I hope you slept well." Esme greeted me as I entered the room.

"Yes." I said trying to smile, but the pain was still ragging inside of me. Come on Bella it is time to put on a show.

My eyes meet with Edward's and I remembered how his touch calmed me. I suddenly felt a pull towards him and luckily he pulled out the stool next to him for me. I smiled and went over to take my seat at the counter. I noticed that today he wore a short sleeve shirt in the warm house and a lot more ink was more visible then usual. I had noticed a few times that he was tatted up, but I had never really gotten a close look before. It looked like his tattoo was a scene, all fitting together, not random at all. I could understand that, the tats that I had were very meaningful, but I couldn't think of those reasons now, it was too painful. My eyes trailed up his right arm, he didn't have a full sleeve, it was more like three quarter length. The end of the tat was bordered with a tribal symbol, then as you trail your eyes up there were music notes, the bottom of a guitar stuck out from under his shirt sleeve. The skin wasn't completely covered, there was a contrast from skin to ink on his arm. Different designs taking up space around his arm, but the most noticeable of all the guitar. It was black and nearly jumped off his arm, I wanted to see the rest of the tat, but he had it hidden under that ridiculous shirt. My eyes moved to their own accord traveling up him trying to imagine what he had hidden under that shirt. When my eyes landed on his face his lips were pulled up into a very sexy smirk. Then his eyes were on me watching me roam his body art. The blush flooded to my cheeks and I heard him chuckle as I diverted my eyes from him.

I was suddenly caught off guard by the reaction that my body had to him, there was a ache between my legs that I defiantly wasn't used to feeling. He had made me feel it once before and it still shocked the hell out of me. Why and how did he do these things to me? I questioned myself as I squirmed in my seat a little.

"Mom, Ross hit me." Ryan one of the twins yelled running into the room holding the side of his head. I felt myself stiffen as I watched the little boy run into Rosalie's arms. She hugged him tight and whispered something to him. I wasn't aware of anyone else in the room, but this mother and her son. I was so jealous of her, she had it all, everything I would never have. She had beauty, a husband that loved her, and most of all not one, but two sons. I would give anything to have and hold my son. I felt a sob chock into my throat and my hands started to shake, the itch set in with the pain. The itch to push the pain away. I felt myself losing it and my chest ached so much that I thought I would die on the spot.

Suddenly a warm hand touched mine and the pain eased a little, the panic calmed and I could hold myself together a little longer. I realized that a moment ago Edward had distracted me from my pain and now he was easing it. I looked up to see Edward's concerned and hurt eyes looking down at me. I gave him a weak smile and he stared into my eyes. He was looking into my soul, he was trying to find answers, I could see him trying to decipher me. Would I let him?

The day passed by in a blur, we watched television, discussed music, but the storm did not ease up. There was now a good six foot of snow outside and the temperature wasn't rising, instead it was dropping. Throughout the day I caught myself brushing arms with Edward or letting my skin connect with his in the most innocent ways. I wasn't doing it on purpose it was just kind of happening, but he didn't seem to mind. In fact I think he was leaning into my touch each time, he never shied away like I thought he should. I wasn't worthy of a guy like him, I wasn't even worthy of the most innocent touch.

When the night fell and everyone started drifting their own ways I was afraid of being alone without Edward's simple touch. I didn't want him to leave me yet and I was terrified when he moved at my side to stand. I looked up at him trying my best to hid the panic, but I don't think I succeeded.

"I am going to get a drink do you want something?" He asked quickly trying to ease my panic.

"Sure." I said settling back into my seat and calming myself. It was stupid to be getting this attached to him.

"What would you like?" He asked sweetly with his velvety voice smiling down at me.

"Anything is fine, really." I said hoping he would hurry up and go so that he could hurry and get back.

He left the room and I felt panic set in once his presence was no longer in the room. What the hell was wrong with me? None of this made sense, I couldn't help but think this was very wrong. My sanity was running thin.

"Here you go." Edward said holding one of the glasses in his hands out to me, but I didn't take it from him. I could smell a familiar smell that made my mouth water and the little monster in me rattle its fragile cage. Tequila.

"I can't drink." I said quickly, reflexively shaking my head. The monster screamed at me begging for just one little drink.

"It is ginger ale." He said looking perplexed as he held the glass out to me again.

"Oh." I said blushing and taking the cup from him. I smelt the drink as I brought it to my lips, he hadn't lied to me, but I was sure that I smelled….

Edward took his seat next to me and I realized that his drink was the tequila. He was sitting so close that I could almost taste it as the smell of it over took my senses. I shifted in my seat so that I was a little farther away from Edward, he looked over at me and the look on his face was pure confusion. I smiled at him trying to get him to distract me from the mouth watering liquid in his glass. I could feel my tongue dragging across my lips begging. No, this is so stupid. You are stronger then this. I told myself, but it wasn't true, I wasn't strong.

"So what do you do for a living?" I blurted out. Edward looked at me confused again, then his expression changed to joy as he answered.

"I own a few businesses." He paused as he took a sip of his drink. I watched as he swallowed it down, my eyes on his lips. I could imagine the taste of it and wondered how much I could get off his lips if I kissed him. What the Fuck, focus.

"What kind of business?" I asked taking a drink of my non alcoholic drink hoping to settle the thirst.

"A few bars and clubs." Ha it was kind of funny he owned bars and clubs and here he sat with a recovering alcoholic. A few years ago I could of kept him in business all by myself.

"That is impressive, what made you get into that?" I asked intrigued.

"Alcohol was my favorite subject in college." He chuckled. "I did more partying with Emmett then studying, so I thought what the fuck lets just get a job where we can party all the time."

"What were you suppose to be studying?" Talking to him was a good distraction from the pain and thirst.

"I was going to follow in my fathers footsteps, actually. The classes weren't too hard, I just wasn't into it. That was Jasper and my fathers thing, not mine. Then Emmett got Rose pregnant and he needed a good steady income for his family, so I asked him to start a business with me. A year into it a friend advised me to expand so I did so. Then it kind of took flight from there." Edward explained with a smile on his face. "But it turned out to be harder work then I expected. It isn't the party I thought it would be, but that turned out to be a good thing. The parties get old after a while and I rather enjoy working." I could tell that he loved his job by the way he spoke.

"So how is it that you got a chance to come here with all the work?"

"Actually I am in the process of opening a new business in California and until the paper work goes through there isn't much I can do. All the plans are made and I even found a contractor and all that good stuff, now I all I have to do is wait. As far as my other businesses they run smoothly thanks to my impeccable hiring skills." He sounded a little cocky and smug about his job, but for some reason I could see that his success allowed him to be that way. For some reason I enjoyed hearing about Edward, I wanted to know him. I hadn't wanted to know anyone in years, it was strange to be interested in anything. We spoke a little longer and he seemed to enjoy talking about his work. He revealed that he was going to be going back to California after the paper work goes through and that made my chest ache in a different way. Which was just plain stupid.

"That is enough about me, how about you?" Edward asked looking at me over the rim of his glasses.

"What about me?" I asked with a nervous voice.

"What did you study in college?" I kicked away the memories that tried to pound me and I wanted to tell him. I was terrified to talk about that time in my life, but I wanted him to know. I wanted to talk. When I didn't answer Edward tried to guess. "Engineering?"

"Not even close." I said chuckling and then I let my head hang. Edward reached over and put his hand on top of mine again. Suddenly I was at ease and the words just flowed from me. Damn him and his magic hands. "I wanted to be a teacher."

"Really? What stopped you?" He asked and I felt the warm and fuzzy feeling from the contact of his hand on mine. It eased me and I wanted to tell him a small part of my past.

"I made the wrong friends and didn't last two years before I came crawling back home." It was the honest truth, Edward was quiet and I couldn't look into his eyes.

"Why didn't you ever try to go back?" He asked sounding so curious and frustrated. I looked up to see his eyes matched his voice.

"The dream died."

"So what is your new dream?" Edward asked and I could feel him leaning towards me.

Too die and end the suffering.

"I don't know." I sighed.

It was quiet for a long time and I kept my eyes on my hands that were in my lap. I could feel Edward next to me and I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Bella." Edward broke the silence. "Bella look at me, please." He said and I obeyed. "I can see that you are in pain and I just want you to know I am here if you need to talk."

I stared at him, at the sincere pleading jade eyes set in his perfect features. He wanted me to trust him, talk to him, and I wanted to. But I was afraid.

Edward held out his arm for me and I surprised myself by moving into his embrace. I was tucked into Edward's side and I could feel his warmth. The warm/fuzzy feeling intensified being pressed against his body and the pain was forced to the back of my head. He eased it like a good prescription drug or illegal substance, I feared that he would be deemed bad for me also. Edward was my new addiction.

Edward's POV

It had been an interesting day, I had watched Bella and analyzed every move she made. It seemed like the more I was around her the more questions I had. During the way we just kind of gravitated towards each other, we would touch with the lights brushes and I would suddenly be a live wire. Her touch warmed all the way down to my soul and left me needing more. This morning she was putting on a show for us, but I could still see the underlying pain that is always present. Then I saw the pain intensify along with anger when she was watching Rose with Ryan, it made no sense to me. Also I had caught how she told me that she "couldn't drink" instead of "doesn't drink". Was there a medical reason or was it something else? I had a feeling that I knew underneath that she must have had a problem at one time, but I didn't want to admit it. I hadn't brought her an alcoholic drink on purpose, because of the fact that I hadn't seen her drink once. On Thanksgiving everyone had a glass of wine with the exception of her, then I had also noticed that no one even offered her a drink, like they knew she didn't drink. Or as Bella put it couldn't drink.

I was surprised and happy when Bella started the conversation when I returned with our drinks, it was the first time she had started a conversation between us. It made me believe we were making some sort of progress. I saw the storm as a gift being able to have Bella so close and now she can't leave. I was beginning to form an unhealthy attachment to her, but it felt so right.

I looked down on Bella's beautiful face as her warm body snuggled into the side of mine. I knew she couldn't be that comfortable so I lifted her off the couch and carried her to the guest room. I placed her gently on the bed and couldn't bring myself to leave just yet. I wanted to lay down next to her and just hold her, but I didn't think that would be appropriate. I placed a kiss on her forehead without even thinking about it, her warm skin felt incredible under my lips. I wanted to trail my lips down her face and to her lips, but found the control not to. I reluctantly left the room with one more glance at Bella's beautiful soft warm face surrounded by her chestnut hair.

A shrill metallic scream brought me out of sleep and I scrambled around the bed trying to figure out what was going on. The scream continued from down the hall, Bella. I climbed out of bed and ran down the hall. Jasper, Alice, Esme, Carlisle, and Emmett were all opening their bedroom doors.

"What is going on?" Alice asked sounding scared.

"I don't know." I said quickly opening Bella's door without knocking. Bella was curled into a ball on the bed as she screamed and whimpered, I ran over to her quickly and shook her awake.

"Bella wake up. Bella." The screaming stopped and her tear soaked eyes shot open. She looked tortured in her brown eyes and I stroked her face. "Shh it was just a dream." I told her my voice sounding relieved. I glanced back at the family and nodded to them letting them now I had it under control. Alice and Carlisle lingered at the door for a moment before walking out and closing the door behind them.

"Are you ok?" I looked into her eyes knowing that she wasn't and hadn't been for a long time.

"Uh I am fine. I just had a nightmare." She said her voice shaky, hoarse, and laced with pain. I let out a heavy sigh feeling anxious and uneasy.

"Bella what on earth were you dreaming about? You were screaming bloody murder, you scared the hell out of me. I thought I was going to have to kill someone." I said chuckling darkly and hoping that she would share with me, because I wanted to help her.

"I don't remember." She lied. "Sorry I woke you."

I hated seeing the pain, guilt, fear, and embarrassment in her eyes. I wanted to ease them all, but I didn't know how. I had never meet or known anyone like Bella and I truly had no idea how to help her.

"Try and get some more sleep and I will be right down the hall if you need me." I told her wanting to stay, but not sure if that was what she wanted. Perhaps she wanted to be alone and I was intruding. I walked slowly towards the door and it felt as if I was wearing lead shoes that got heavier and heavier with each step.

"Edward." Bella's soft voice came through the dark room. I tried to read her face, but it was too dark in the room. She started to talk and I wasn't sure if she was speaking to me or herself. "My father always wanted a boy, someone to pass the garage and his racing down to. Then he and my mother had me, my mother only wanted one child so he knew that he would only have a daughter. He tried to raise me like a little girl, but from day one I had a passion for cars. He gave in and let me tag along just as he would a son. I loved cars, I could work on the all day without ever growing bored. I didn't have a lot of friends, in a way my parents were my best friends. My first race really got me hooked, it was incredible the feel of the speed, the adrenaline. All of it as a whole was amazing and then I found that not only did I like it, I was good at it. My father was proud of me and for some reason that was something I always strived for. My mother kept me grounded with her many adventures, feeding the homeless, reading to school children, that sort of thing. I enjoyed helping people almost as much as racing, almost. Though I did start to tutor and the feeling of teaching someone something felt incredible, it was a way to make my mother proud. Like the racing was a piece of my father and the tutoring was a piece of my mother. Teaching gave me a totally different high."

I had made my way over and was now seated on the bed leaning in so I could catch every word of her story. She was talking to me and I was eating it up, every word of it, though I knew that the story didn't have a happy ending. You could look at Bella and see it wasn't a happy ending.

"I loved racing, but I felt like teaching was my calling. Also I wanted to make my mother proud, she was so excited when I told her this was what I wanted to do, but my father wasn't. He had already planned out my future and had his mind set on it. I was to race and take over the garage someday. My father is a very stubborn man and that was a quality I got from him. So being a stubborn, naïve, and stupid girl I went as far away as possible for college. I got a scholarship to NYU and I took it. I wanted to find myself without the influence of my family. My mother was so proud, but my father wouldn't speak to me for weeks. He was proud that I was going to college, but he wanted me going near home and for something like business, something that would help in the future he had planned." She paused and I could feel the sudden shift in the room. She was getting to a important part in the story.

"The first semester of college was great, I made the grades, and came home for the holidays. My father started to speak to me again, because my mother told him if he didn't she would leave him. She wanted me to come back to Forks and teach when I finished school and she didn't think that I would do that if my father didn't fix things. So I left headed back to school in good spirits. I got back to find that I had a new roommate, she was different then anyone I had ever meet. She was so short and had a really innocent face, almost childlike. Her name -Jane- was even innocent. The girls favorite colors were black and red, everything on her side of the room was jet black or blood red. I hadn't really made any friends and Jane insisted that I hang out with her and her friends. So I went along with her, it was college and I needed to get out of my shell. That was when I met Dem and Felix, soon it was the four of us all the time. Dem, Felix, Jane, and myself. Dem was charming and for some reason he liked me, he pursued me for two months before I gave in and went on a date with him."

Hearing her speak of another guy like this was making me jealous, but I did my best to reign it in. I wanted her to tell me her story I wanted to know everything and it was stupid of me to be jealous.

"I was naïve and now I realize how stupid I was. I had never really had a boyfriend, I had gone on a few dates in high school, but nothing serious. That's embarrassing, but true. Anyway, I hung on every word he said and I felt like I had to prove myself to be with him. I was vulnerable and away from home and my family, eventually I started losing myself, instead of finding myself. I would drink and party, the others did drugs, but I refused to do so. Dem and I were dating for four months when he told me he loved me and that he wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I believed that he loved me and I thought that I loved him."

The jealousy was almost unbearable at this moment in the most of stupid fucking ways, but I listened closely, because I could feel something bad was coming, something valuable.

"After," she said not explaining that part of the story, thankfully. "things changed in our relationship and not for the better, but out of fear and what I thought was love I stayed. Eventually I got in so deep with him and the whole group that I thought nothing could save me, but something did. Something I never expected, nor did I ever want, but it saved me. I planned on getting the first flight home, but wasn't sure they would accept me. I hadn't called home in months and I was so distant I was sure they would turn me away. Also Dem had other plans he wasn't letting me go so easily."

I had an eerie feeling that Bella was leaving out such major details and I felt anger rock through me, because I knew he had hurt her. I wanted to kill this Dem, he had to be the cause of all this pain in her. Though I had a feeling I didn't even know the half of it.

"I called Jacob, because he was my best friend and I knew he was the one person that wouldn't turn away from me. I told him everything and he got on the next flight to New York. I hated getting Jake involved, but I was too far under to pull myself out. Once we got back to Forks we went to my parents. My father told me I could live with them and they would help me with my situation under two conditions. One I work at the garage and plan to take it over someday. Two no drugs or alcohol. I had no problem with either condition, especially the second one, because I had already given that up. So that is how I ended back up in Forks." She stopped speaking and I was so confused and curious. That had been the longest I had ever heard Bella speak and she was telling her story and she was telling it to me. Though it caused more questions then it answered, I was touched that she shared with me. I took a chance and pushed a little more, I knew it was a bad fucking idea, but I had to know.

"What did this Dem do to you? What kind of stuff did he and the others get you into?" My voice was a little more angry then I would of liked it to be, but I couldn't help it.

"I don't want you to look at me the way they do and more then that I don't want you to run away." She said in a low and sad voice looking down at her hands. I placed my hand under her chin and raised her eyes to mine.

"I won't, give me a chance." I assured her, I saw in her beautiful eyes that she believed me, she trusted me.

"After Dem and I became intimate." She cringed at the word-as did I- and her voice was shaking. "It wasn't magical or special, it was actually the opposite. Then it seemed like I couldn't do anything right, he started," she paused looking for something on my face, I controlled the anger that seemed to be rising in me again. "knocking me around, putting me in my place."

"He hit you." I roared in disgust and anger, my whole frame was shaking. I looked into Bella's eyes and she looked terrified, I quickly reigned in my anger. I placed my hand on hers trying to calm both myself and her. I needed to distract myself with something good, something pleasant.

"So what saved you?" I asked in a surprisingly calm voice. Bella was silent and I could see the pain and panic in her eyes again. I knew that whatever had saved her had also caused her a whole different world of pain.

"I don't think I am ready to talk about that yet." She said in a quickened raspy voice. She pulled her knees to her chest and started rocking back and forth, her hands shaking. Her eyes were closed tight, but I could feel the pain rolling off of her vibrating frame. I pulled her into my arms and rocked with her.

"Shh Bella it is ok when you are ready to talk I am here." I whispered holding her tight trying to protect her from the pain. "Thank you." I added realizing that she had just opened up to me. Not to anyone else, but to me. I pushed my face into her hair taking in her scent and wishing the pain away, because it seemed as though her pain was becoming my pain. And I would gladly take it all from her if I could.

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*pointing down*