A Dip In Hell VI

Pip groaned as he came back to consciousness among the new arrivals of Hell. As the guy on the podium addressed the huddled masses Pip hurried towards him. No one bothered getting out of the way for him, but Pip attributed this to the fact that these people were new arrivals and therefore probably rather distressed and confused. But no, that was sadly not the reason, as Pip soon discovered upon reaching the podium.

"E-excuse me sir! Sir!" Pip gasped, tapping the man's shoulder.

"And so the best housing opportunities south of the Lake of Fire are- uh-" he looked down in Pip's direction and his eyes widened in confusion.

"Uh, yes sir, well you see there's this problem at Satan's mansion. I-"

"AH! A GHOST! A VOICE FROM NOWHERE AAAH!" the man screamed and ran. Pip blinked and looked down at his arm.

"Oh dear" Pip sighed, discovering he was still invisible. This was definitely a problem if death itself wouldn't cure him. What if he was stuck invisible forever?! Well… he was pretty much invisible anyway… actually the fact that people couldn't see him and bully him was probably an improvement… well none the less he had to find someone that would help him rescue Damien and the rest of Satan's household. And Cartman and Kyle too he supposed.

Some people might bring up the question of why Pip would still want to help Damien now that he was free. Well honestly, he had good reason to. After all, no matter what Damien would, most likely, escape from his house. And if he did, and if he discovered Pip had run away, and if he found Pip somehow (despite Pip being invisible he could still probably find a way) the consequences of the level of rage this would send Damien into was unimaginable and therefore rightly terrifying for the young still cross-dressed Brit. Even if he was invisible and no one could tell he was cross dressed. This could probably be considered another perk of the situation.

Unfortunately, the man at the podium was not the only ghost-fearing person in hell. In fact, every person young Pip approached seemed terrified of his disembodied voice. This was sort of weird I know. We could assume the man on the podium was killed by a ghost… somehow… and that is the reason he feared Pip so much. But as Pip faced the 6th group of Hellians running from him in terror, he decided there was probably some other reason that everyone was afraid of him.

Problems. Lord help him.

It took a whole hour of looking for help before he nearly gave up and started wandering in despair. That's when he bumped into a rather large lady.

"Oops! Oh dear, I'm so sorry!" Pip gasped and backed up. The black lady turned and Pip saw an old man, presumably her husband, standing next to her.

"Oh my dearie look, it's a little invisible boy!' she gasped.

"What? You mean like a ghost?" the husband asked wide eyed. His wife smacked him.

"No you idiot! I know ghosts, I did exorcisms enough to know a ghost from an invisible boy! Remember that little fat kid who drank his friend's ashes? Now that kid had a ghost in 'im!"

Her husband scoffed "You can tell a ghost from an invisible kid and yet you can't figure out not to give a goddamn Lock Ness Monster 'tree fiddy'?!"

"This kid ain't no ghost!" the woman snapped and gave Pip's direction a smile "Right dear?"

"Erm… right" Pip said with a small frown. Then he brightened. These people could possibly help! "Oh, you have to help me, I-"

"Oh you're invisible. Don't worry, don't worry, I was an invisible zoologist in my youth you know! Now what animal bite made you like this?" the woman asked.

"Oh, erm, an invisible rattlesnake" Pip said, suddenly distracted by this pleasant surprise.

"Oh I have just the thing." She reached down the front of her dress and pulled out a small bottle "Just pour that down your throat" she said holding out the bottle. Pip took it and looked at it uncertainly for a moment before drinking it, figuring the worst it could do was kill him… probably. It felt slimey going down his throat and tingled in his stomach, but as he looked down at his arm he discovered to his delight that his skin was returning to view!

"Oh, splendid!" Pip said happily clapping his hands and then looked at the black lady curiously "What was that stuff anyway?"

"Oh, just some frog extract, mildew, gorilla feces, but it worked and that's all that matters"

"Uh… right" Pip said frowning in his disgust. But yes, it had worked. Well! That was all good then- oh wait! "Oh, th-there's something else! Satan, Damien and their guests are trapped inside their mansion! Damien sealed all the doors and doesn't know how to unseal them, can you help me break in?"

The woman frowned "Well I don't know, I know voodoo but you'll need a lot of brute force to break through a door sealed by the son of the devil."

"Goddamn it monster!" snapped the man and Pip and the woman turned and found themselves looking up at a creature form the Paleozoic era looking down at the man, holding out a flipper.

"I need about three fifty" it said in a deep voice.

"Erp…" Pip squeaked.

"No you goddamned monster I ain't givin you no tree fiddy!" the man shouted in anger.

"Now, now hang on Daddy, this monster might be just what we need to break into the mansion!" the woman said holding her hands out to the monster "I'll give you tree fiddy if you'll help us break into Satan's mansion!"

"No woman! That ain't worth no tree fiddy!" the man snapped.

"… how about two fifty?" the monster asked.

"Two dollars square or no way!" the man snapped.

"… Two twenty?"

"Did I say two twennie? No! I said two even or nothing!" snapped the old black man.

The monster seemed to consider this "… okay"

So with that, the group of four headed for Satan's mansion.

*****

"Alright, I'll get the voodoo juice flowing Monster, and then you can break through" the black woman said in front of the mansion doors. Pip stood by anxiously as the Lock Ness Monster reared its head up to look at the large double front doors.

"Okay" it said in confirmation.

"I still don't think this is worth no two even…" the black man muttered as his wife put on her human bone necklace and grabbed her shunken head staff and started chanting. The door glowed, and the Lock Ness Monster threw its tail against the door. A few thwacks accompanied by a couple roundhouse kicks broke the hinges and the seal, toppling the door forward.

"Oh good show chaps!" Pip cheered happily "Now we just need to go upstairs and break out Satan, I'm sure he'll know what to do!"

"Alright there child, come on Lock Ness Monster" the black woman said, heading for the stairs. The Monster however did not follow.

"Uh, Mr. Monster sir? Satan's room is upstairs" Pip said hesitantly pointing.

"I need about three fifty" the Monster said blinking slowly.

The black man blew up at him "I'M NOT GIVIN YOU NO TREE FIDDY!"

"I'm not breaking down another door until I get three fifty"

"Then you ain't breakin down another door damn it monster I ain't givin you no tree fiddy damn it!" the black man yelled. The monster stared, shrugged, and left. Pip gasped.

"No no no! We need you to-" the monster was gone "Oh dear…" Pip muttered and turned to the black man with some British rage "Why would you do that?! He only wanted three dollars and fifty cents!"

"Well if you give these people money ONE time, you can't get rid of 'em, they just keep coming back for more!" the black man defended. Pip made angry noises as he marched up the stairs himself Maybe he could just attract Satan's attention by banging on the door of his room or something…

He reached Satan's room easily enough. But the level of music on the other side told him that making himself heard would not be easy. But he had to give it a try none the less. So summoning up all his energy the British boy threw his arms against the door again and again, screaming at the top of his little limey lungs, hoping against hope that his cries would be heard by the homosexual god of hell.

Inside, the music blared, and Pip's beatings just happened to match the beat perfectly. And his yelling wasn't out of place among the frequent moans from the bedroom, so this wasn't working out too well.

As Pip's throat got hoarse he sighed and slumped against the wall. This wasn't doing any good. But perhaps… perhaps he could be of use to Damien if he told him that he was available to get help from someone the evil boy knew. This in mind, Pip headed for the hallway he's left Damien trapped in.

*****

Damien was very, very bored.

He'd thrown fire balls at the walls for a while, but seeing as this did nothing against his seal, it got boring fast. He was left to stare at the wall, wondering vaguely where Pip had run off to. He really wasn't even entertaining the possibility that the British boy was coming back. Even if he was too scared to try running off on his own, he couldn't possibly get in by himself. And if he tried getting someone to help him odds were he'd just end up tickled into eternity again. That tattoo on his neck wasn't going to really help either.

Seriously, if he didn't think it would be cool to hunt down and rescue or punish Pip again once his dad realized he was locked in his room and released everything, he wouldn't've bothered killing him.

Though he had assumed, to his credit, that Satan would not have been in the midst of trying to set a record for longest lasting all male orgy. It was, after all, not something a child wants to think about regarding their parents…

So it was a surprise when he heard pounding on the hallway door and the squeaky British accent yelling his name.

"What the-?" Damien blinked and got up from where he was sitting and went to the door "P-Pip?"

"Oh Damien! I got the Lock Ness Monster to break down the front door with the help of a voodoo priestess! But, uh, the priestess' husband sort of drove the Monster away. I-I tried to get your Father's attention but he seems to be having a-a party in his room or something. I don't know what to do!" Pip gasped through the door.

Damien scowled "Of course you don't, you're a stupid blond limey!"

"I-I do not like it when you call me a limey Damien! Especially when I have to save you and everything! You could at least pretend to be nice to me until you're within firing range of me!" Pip snapped.

Damien paused. The bitch might have a point. But it really didn't seem like him to be nice. Well, maybe he could refrain from Limey comments. For now.

"Erm… wha-whatever" Damien shrugged, not entirely sure why because Pip couldn't see him through the door but… "Look, if you want to get my Dad's attention and you can't make a loud enough noise, try getting a pan of fresh brownies or something. He'll smell them and at least try to find out where the smell is coming from. He'll try the door, find it sealed, and unseal it. No problem"

"Oh, that's a splendid idea Damien!" Pip gasped.

"Of course it is. I'm not stupid." Damien growled "Now go get some brownies and fast!"

"Yes sir!" Pip replied and Damien heard footsteps rushing away. Damien sighed and leaned against the wall. The limey actually got back. He even got inside. That was surprising.

He couldn't help but feel a little disappointed he couldn't hunt him down and punish him, but he figured he could probably torture him a but and feel better about it once he was out.

*****

Pip was very glad the kitchen didn't have a door on it. And as it turned out all he had to do to get fresh brownies was think about them whilst opening the oven door. It was dreadfully convenient.

Grabbing a set of oven mitts with kittens on them, Pip grabbed the pan and hurried up the stairs. The black man and woman were still arguing in the front hall he noticed, but they were hardly his concern at the moment.

Standing outside Satan's door again, Pip hoped the scent would waft through the door despite the seal. If it didn't, that would be a whole plan down the drain and he wasn't sure he had anything else.

*****

Satan froze at the scent of brownies. He quickly pushed MJ away and turned off the music.

"Hey, what's the deal Satan?" asked one of the sailors, seeming a bit ticked off.

"Hang on you guys, I think I smell brownies or something?" Satan walked to the door and tried it. It wouldn't turn "What? That's… strange" Satan banged on the door "Hello? Is anybody out there?"

"Oh! Oh yes Mr. Satan sir!"

"Miss Pip?" Satan said in surprise "Oh well, the door appears to be locked or something, can you open it from your side?"

"Well, erm, no, no I'm afraid not. You see, Damien actually sealed the entire mansion, and he doesn't know how to unseal it. Do you suppose you could unseal it?"

Satan groaned "Awe no, I must have told that kid a thousand times not to do anything he can't reverse! I can't undo magic HE did, he has to do it himself!"

"But he doesn't know how!" Pip said through the door, seeming slightly panicky.

Satan sighed "Don't worry, I can tell you what Damien has to do and you can tell him, okay?"

"Oh, righto!" Pip replied excitedly.

"Okay, so tell him he has to call on the fires of Lake Despair, tap the chi of the Jarvis, and use a drop of blood on one of the doors." Satan said slowly.

"Oh, uh, right!" Pip hurried away from the door.

*****

Pip hurried back to Damien's prison and rapped on the door until an annoyed grunt signaled Damien was listening. Pip quickly relayed what Satan had said.

"The chi of who?" Damien's voice asked.

"Jarvis, apparently" Pip said hesitantly.

"Jarvis the Red?"

Pip stared "Uh… I don't know…"

"Well you have to find out!"

*****

Pip huffed back to Damien's room a few minutes later "No, no it's Jarvis the Terrifying"

"Oh, oh yeah that makes sense" Damien replied and Pip sighed. Running back and forth like that is tiring. He was leaning against the door. Perhaps this was stupid. Because when the seal came off, the door flew open, throwing Pip across the room.

"AH!" Pip cried. But, shockingly, he stopped just before he hit the wall and found himself being pulled backward through the air and set down in front of Damien "Oh, um… th-thank you Damien?" Pip said in some understandable confusion. And a little weirded outness too. After all, Damien had prevented him from experiencing pain, and furthermore was smiling. This was strange. Damien only smiled when someone was in pain…

Damien was however smiling. It was rather distressing to view. Especially since he didn't explain it. He just walked past Pip, grabbing his hand in the process "Come on, let's go get Kyle and Cartman and go to McDonalds"

"Erm… righto…" Pip murmured. Damien hadn't thanked him for coming back to save him, honestly the Brit didn't expect him to. But that he was strangely smiling, tugging him along by the hand, saving him for another bloody death… all this caused Pip to assume that the Satanic boy had become rather oxygen deprived in that hallway.

Yeah. That had to be it.

((Joyful Note: S'up guys? Um… I know I haven't updated in a while. School and stuff! And Final Fantasy III… and Guitar Hero… … … … w-well anywho… back for now! And I'll probably have another big pause before the next. Just add me to story alert guys, I'll update when I can, I refuse to stop! Long live my stubbornness! Or something))