Darkness blanketed the entire forest but the moon's light filtering through the trees lit a path that was easy enough to follow. Not that it mattered to her much either way…the shadows had now become a serenity she craved. For a Fire Bender there was nothing to fear…there were no monsters that could scare her but indeed there was something she did fear and it made its home in the dark recesses of her mind that she kept locked away. It also resided in the man she could not stop thinking about. No, she was not afraid of him…but what he made her feel was enough to scare her.
Azula had been wandering the forest for at least three hours, thinking of what had occurred tonight when she should have headed straight back to camp. To be amongst her Sisters right now…the idea had made her feel trapped. Her mind was in a chaotic mess and sleep would have eluded her if she had tried. Besides all that awaited her on the other side in the unconscious world was nothing but nightmares. Yes, she should go back to camp…that was where she belonged but the truth was she wanted to sort out her thoughts. All she could think about was…Zuko.
Her face flushed lightly as traitorous memories brought forth images of his half naked form. The muscles of his toned body clearly indicated that he trained every day. She couldn't get it out of her head…neither could she forget the way her heart had beat so fast being close enough to touch him. She had never felt such a strong desire before. She had grown up with him…fought beside and against him…She had trained with him when he was shirtless never having a spare thought for his physical appearance but why did it now suddenly change?
A small clearing opened up before her. Stepping into the moonlight, she closed her eyes allowing the chirps of cricket mice to sooth her. Taking a deep breath she opened her eyes again, lighting a small flame in her hand. Gazing at the gently flaring blue fire she wondered for a moment if he was sleeping soundly or if he was awake much like she was right now. She doubted upon that, knowing he had all the comforts of home from his tea loving uncle to their precious mother…not to mention a new sister.
She clenched her fist, snuffing out the flame. She couldn't keep back the thought that she had been replaced. Jealousy fueled her anger but she swallowed it back quickly. Why should she care? Zuko didn't really want her back not when he had the loving little sister he had always wanted. Besides…they weren't even blood related, at least not entirely. It should come as no surprise that he may feel less loyalty to her and more towards Kiyi, not that he had any for her to begin with. Their mother's letter had revealed that Zuko was not Ozai's son. It was the reason she had wanted to use it to get him off the throne in the first place. You needed to be of royal blood in order to rule the Fire Nation. It would have been the perfect solution to her lust for power. It was her birth right…and yet, she had ceased her actions because of him…
"Azula, our relationship is so messed up. It's been like that as long as I can remember. And maybe it'll be like that for the rest of our lives. But one fact never changes. No matter what, you're still my sister."
She had asked him why he had not thrown her over the cliff when he had the chance. It would have gotten rid of his biggest obstacle and threat, yet he had chosen not to. At that point, she had been trying to manipulate him into believing that his right to the throne was undeserved.
She thought about what she had asked him after she ran away. She realized that there had been more to question unconsciously. She needed to understand why he spared her…wanted to believe for just one moment that she was worth something to him. His response was not what she expected but after hearing the honesty in his voice and seeing the conflict in his eyes…the thought of ruining his life had made her stomach twist. She couldn't do it after knowing that he cared for her…maybe even loved her a little.
He must, right? After all, he had searched for me when I disappeared into Forgetful Valley… Opening her eyes, she took in the shatters of light scattered through the forest around her. She smiled softly, knowing that he must have some ounce of loyalty to her.
"I also could have chosen not to look for you in Forgetful Valley…"
"You were looking for me? I thought you wanted nothing to do with me."
"I guess I don't hate you as much as I thought I did."
"Azula!" The Princess snapped out of her thoughts. She turned her head swiftly to the right, noticing a few of her companions trudging through the forest in the direction of the Capital. Zirin was in the lead followed by Mizuki and Shizuka. Her twin braided companion had caught sight of her. They must have panicked and gone out to look for her since she had not arrived home right away. She mentally berated herself for being so careless and letting emotions get to her. That was something Zuko would do but not her…never her.
Azula waited for them to reach her. The first thing she noticed was relief in both Mizuki and even Shizuka's face. Zirin however…she was nothing but furious. "Where the hell have you been?" Zirin snapped.
Before Azula could reply Shizuka spoke up quietly yet firmly "Don't you think you should be showing our leader here a little bit more respect? It looks like she's had a tough night…" her inquiring dark eyes shifted to look at Azula. There was no mistrust but only curiosity.
"Like hell that matters." Zirin bit out; clenching her fists "I thought you had been captured by that brother of yours. You usually don't stay out for more than an hour. I waited for as long as I could before I decided there was something wrong. I was about to go break you out myself, yet here you are looking as if you've been taking a casual stroll through the forest!"
Azula took a deep breath to keep her temper in check. Lashing out would accomplish nothing but damn did she hate being reprimanded like a child. Now was not the time to argue and frankly she was in no mood to do so "I have my reasons why I didn't return to camp." She met Zirin's eyes with a cool leveled stare, refusing to look intimidated.
"Oh, and I bet they're good reasons right?" Zirin replied sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "You never seem to be in short supply. Why not just tell us the truth?"
"It's funny how you're trying to find a good reason not to trust me and yet you can find none. Interesting isn't it?" Azula said calmly. Zirin opened her mouth but she held up a hand to silence her. This was bringing on a headache she didn't need. "I will to talk with you in private when we get back to camp. Now is not the time."
Zirin looked as if she were going to argue more but managed to pull herself together. Those arrangements seemed to calm her down. "Fine but it better be good" Without another word she turned around to head back to camp, not bothering to make sure they were following.
Mizuki spoke up with annoyance "Spirits…she's been nothing but irritating once she realized you weren't coming home."
Azula turned her head to look at her Sister, curiosity sparking her interest "What did she do?"
"Nothing except wake everybody up to plan your escape. No one's gotten much sleep. Thanks to you…" She added snidely with a sideways glance. She turned her head back to watch Zirin "That man beside her…he holds nothing but guilt. He's been following her around all night." Without waiting for a response she followed the trail back to camp.
"Man…?" Azula murmured to herself, watching their retreating forms "What is she talking about?" Were Mizuki's hallucinations really that bad?
Shizuka shrugged as if the question had been directed at her "That's all she's been muttering about for a few hours now. Ever since she arrived at the institution she would always ramble on of spirits or people that we couldn't see. It's normal for her. I wouldn't worry about it too much."
Azula didn't hear Shizuka speak often but knew that the girl held valuable information having been the one who had stayed at the asylum the longest. From what she understood, she just showed up on the footsteps of the building one night as a baby with only a note holding her name. She was always so quiet and observant of everyone around her. Her silence held many secrets Azula wished to know. "You understand that it's just all in her head right?"
Shizuka was quiet for a moment "Maybe it is…or maybe it isn't. Either way, we're not living in her head. Only she can determine what is real or not."
Azula shook her head, unwilling to argue with her "Let's just get back to camp. We have a lot we need to do tomorrow and sleep is a must." She proceeded forward with her Sister following close behind. It didn't take long before they were back at camp. Once she stepped out of the trees and into the clearing, all her Sister's turned their heads to look at her. The fire burned low, casting an ominous shadow amongst them. At once, she felt unease. It was as if she were dragon living amongst a pack of wolftigers. An outsider they were unwilling to trust. She may have been accepted as their leader but she would never be one of them.
"Azula, you're ok!" Keiko's voice was filled with relief as she ran over to greet her. The other's stayed behind, looking at her with a touch of mistrust. Shizuka stayed off a little to the right not saying a word. Mizuki had been whispering in Akira's ear but stopped as soon as she came into view. Zirin was on the opposite side of the campsite, leaning against a tree in the shade looking as if her mind was in another world but focused as soon as she saw her. Junko sat on the ground near the fire, turning her eyes to glare up at her.
Azula felt her stomach knot strangely coming face to face with this reality that she was as far from accomplishing her goal as she was when she first recruited them. They had expected her to be home not long after her visit with the Fire Lord…not out wandering the forest. They couldn't understand what she was going through and for all they knew she might have been having another episode.
These women learned from their past experiences not to trust anyone. All the pain they had endured only reinforced their grounded belief that they could only trust themselves. The one thing that kept them rooted here with her was their desperate faith that their lives could get better because she had promised as such. It was a life that they longed for…to be free from pain and to obtain happiness much like herself. Only Keiko seemed to be un-phased by her absence. She washed away the foreign feeling within her heart and centered herself. "Sisters, I have important news to share with you of my endeavors tonight."
"Is that going to include why you didn't come back?" Junko called, standing up slowly "We thought the worst had happened but it looks to me like you weren't going to come back at all. Tell us, Princess Azula, where were you?"
Azula narrowed her eyes as she straightened her back, making sure to stay in control "I did go to see my brother as planned but if you must know I couldn't sleep. I found no point in coming straight back to camp and waking you all up. I realize now that was my mistake. I should have reported back here."
"That's a likely story…how do we know that?" Junko pressed on, crossing her arms.
"You don't. All I ask is that you trust me and I know that is asking a lot." Azula replied calmly, not being able to force any spite into her tone. She glanced to each Sister as she spoke "I realize many of you don't trust me. It's hardly surprising. You don't know me as much as I don't know you. To make this group work and achieve our goals we need to build that trust."
"And how do you expect to do that?" Junko asked with a disbelieving tone.
Azula smirked "I believe the best way to get to know one another and build trust is to work together on something I know we all share in common. Tomorrow we are going to be starting our Fire Bending Training."
Heads lifted and eyes gleamed with excitement. Their determination to better themselves and progress towards their future fueled her ambition twice as much. It was refreshing to see a look of hope spark within them "We'll be heading out to Twin Fire Falls by noon. If I find that it's secluded enough then it will be where our base of operations will reside."
"Does that mean all went as planned with your brother?" Zirin asked, walking towards the group as they gradually gathered around.
Azula nodded her head "The soldiers we saw were not sent for me but for another group. Zuko is considering using us to get information of these people's whereabouts and to turn them in much as we did to Ukano. I am heading back tomorrow night to get a firm confirmation from him."
"So, he hasn't said yes yet? How is that good news?" Zirin asked.
"Oh, he's going to say yes. If there is anything I can be sure of, it's what Zuko is going to do next. I know how he works in that mind of his better than anyone." Azula replied, her golden eyes shining with confidence. "He's desperate enough that he will choose to use us. This is what we've been looking for: A chance to prove ourselves."
A chance to prove myself…
Murmurs of excitement rippled through the small group, giving Azula the leverage she needed. "Let's get some sleep. I expect everyone to be ready to leave when I give the word." Everyone nodded their heads, separating to their own sleeping bags to fall asleep. The buzz of excitement died down in the wake of exhaustion. Azula felt it weigh her down but she couldn't go to sleep just yet.
Her golden eyes found the person she wished to talk to. Zirin was settling down when Azula approached her. She glanced up at her "Ah, yes…you needed to talk to me." Her tone was less than forgiving "Are you going to tell me why you didn't come back?"
Azula narrowed her eyes, thinking twice upon opening up to Zirin. Could she trust her? "That depends on if you can keep your mouth shut."
"If I believe that it will harm any of us then I might not." Zirin replied bluntly, looking at her seriously. "Believe it or not, I care about what happens to these girls. Like I said before, I need a reason to trust you as you do with me. If talking about your feelings will make that happen then by all means start." She gestured to a spot beside her on the ground.
Azula clenched her jaw, trying not to show her surprise "Who said it had anything to do with how I'm feeling?"
Zirin smirked "I'm just making a wild guess but by the way you just got defensive I'd say that I was right."
Azula scoffed, hesitating before sitting down to lean her back against the tree. A memory of Mai and Ty lee betraying her caused a deep rooted instinct to rear its ugly head. She was tempted to get up and walk away but reminded herself that Zirin was probably the closest she'll ever get to a friend "Well, you're right, as much as it pains me to admit it." She stared down at her hands, remembering the way it felt to touch Zuko's bare skin.
Zirin turned on her side with an arm to prop up her head "Did something happen between you and your brother?"
Azula didn't know where to begin or what to even say. She couldn't look at Zirin, certain that she would give away a secret that was even unknown to her. "Not anything that's unusual. Zuko thought I was there to kill him." She let out a bitter laugh "Which is idiotic, considering I had all that time he was asleep to do so if I had wished."
"What were you doing while he was sleeping? Watching him?" Zirin asked with an eyebrow raised.
Azula felt her face flush with embarrassment, thankful for the darkness. Yes, actually I was…I even kissed him on the fore head. "No, I was preparing myself for what I wanted to say." That wasn't an entire lie. "As you know, it went well. Our plans are going to be set in motion once I get his confirmation tomorrow night."
"Then what's the problem?" Zirin asked, slightly annoyed "You got what you wanted. He's going to comply because he knows you have the leverage he needs. Unless there's something more you're not telling me."
Azula felt like there were thorns in her throat, making it impossible to talk. "I can't…He…Agni I don't even understand it." She placed her hands on her forehead with her elbows on her knees "The reason I didn't come back was because I needed to sort out my mind. I can't stop thinking about what happened tonight."
Zirin was quiet for a moment "Why does it bother you so much?"
"He bothers me!" Azula snapped, pushing down her feelings of nervousness in place of frustration. "Everything he does! He never thinks things through. He's still inexperienced as the new leader of our Nation. I feel like I am talking to a child half the time! If he had any of the political knowledge that I have then he would be halfway decent at best."
Zirin's eyes widened at her outburst. She sighed dropping her hands from her head to stare out at the dying fire, feeling her skin crawl as she softly said "I just can't stop thinking about him. He's always on my mind and this encounter kept me awake much as it had the day he found out I was in charge of kidnapping the children. I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Ok so…you're a little too obsessed with your brother." Zirin stated, giving her an uncertain look "You should probably think about getting a new hobby. That's my best suggestion."
Azula glared at her, lifting her head up "I need you to be serious instead of being a smart ass."
"I am being serious." Zirin replied calmly yet firmly "You're constantly thinking about him and need to be in control of what he does next. That's borderline unhealthy. I get that you're just looking out for him but this can't get in the way of your responsibilities to us."
Azula became silent taking in what Zirin told her. It was true that she needed to be certain that what he does in the future only benefitted the Fire Nation and helped him grow as a Fire Lord. She didn't find any problem with it but did she want it to be her life? Acting as his shadow, making sure he didn't slip up…it made her think of if she really let being Fire Lord go. Eventually, this couldn't continue. She had to start living her life but all she saw when she thought about where she wanted to be was by his side. Her future was with him, however that turned out.
"While I appreciate the criticism…I don't believe it's an actual obsession. It's what my future is going to be. I know it's only through him that I can be certain all of you get the life you have been deprived." Azula turned to look her companion, wondering what came over her as she said "Zuko is my brother, despite how many fights we have, I'll put my life before his. He's probably the only person that matters to me. He's the only one who has ever shown me any sort of love."
"You really care about him, don't you?" Zirin asked. Azula could hear the genuine empathy in her voice. The look in her eyes was that of understanding, as if she knew how Azula felt. She didn't know if Zirin even had a brother but she didn't feel the need to ask.
"Yes." Azula was highly aware that she was exposing her own heart. She laughed bitterly "Call me crazy but you may even be able to call it love. He makes me feel like…I can be a better person."
"I used to have somebody like that…" Zirin said quietly, looking away. "We were inseparable. I honestly don't know how he was able to put up with me" She let out a short laugh "But he did because he loved me for who I was no matter how many faults I had. Including the temper you see so much." She smirked "I loved him…"
Azula then remembered what Mizuki said of a man walking beside her all night. She felt a shiver run down her spine. Could it be that he…? "What happened to him?"
Zirin's eyes hardened "He died a long time ago." She glanced at Azula, her voice sharp "Listen, I get why you didn't come home. If that's all then I'd really like to get some sleep. I spent enough hours searching for you."
Azula narrowed her eyes "Zirin…you said that you lost someone because of your loyalty. Was it him?"
Zirin stiffly nodded her head "It's thanks to the Fire Nation that he's gone. To be more specific: your father."
"What does Ozai have to do with your lover's death?" Azula asked carefully.
"It's getting late Azula…don't you think we should go to sleep?" Zirin ignored her question, laying back down and turning away from her.
"Yes, I suppose we should."Azula wanted to continue asking questions in order to get to the root of who Zirin actually was but she knew when to back off. Pressuring someone to expose their darkest secrets only made them recede farther into the shadows…She would find out in due time. Patience was all she required. Standing up she said "Get some rest. We have a long day tomorrow and I need you to be focused." She began to walk away but stopped for a moment to add "What my father did to you…I'm sorry. Just know that I am here to listen…just as you were with me."
Getting comfortable in her own sleeping bag, she gazed up at the stars. She imagined what it would be like to lose Zuko. In many ways she had but in death there were no second chances. Her heart twisted at the thought of him dying. An irrational fear that he could one day be gone swept through her.
In her life…fear was something she incited in others but never truly felt herself. Yes, she was afraid of what Zuko made her feel but this was different. She couldn't explain what it was like before.
But now…now she could.
And as the sweet lull of sleep crept up over she knew that it would follow closely in her dreams.