"Hey, want a beer, man?" TwoBit asked Steve.
"No, not tonight, TwoBit," Steve answered.
Steve and Soda had driven back to the Curtis' house, and Darry and Pony were there too, along with TwoBit. In truth, Steve really would've liked a beer, but he knew if he started drinking, he'd start talking. He wasn't ready for that.
Pony poured milk into a glass and glanced at Steve, as he got out the chocolate syrup. "How about some chocolate milk then?" he asked.
"Sure, kid. Thanks," Steve said.
"Hey, isn't that Evie?" Darry asked, looking out the window.
"Sure is," Steve said, then stepped outside to meet her, just as she got to the porch steps. "Hi, Evie. What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I went by your house. You weren't there, so I thought you might be here," Evie said.
She leaned in to kiss Steve, and he stepped away.
"Steve, what's wrong?" Evie asked, obviously hurt.
"I just...I can't." Steve stuttered.
"You can't kiss me?" Evie demanded.
Steve didn't know what to tell her. The only decent explanation would be the truth, and he couldn't tell her that.
"We slept together three days ago, and now, you can't kiss me, Steve Randle?"
"I'm sorry, baby. It's not a big deal. I didn't mean-"
"Are you seeing someone else?"
"Of course not! Only you! I don't want anyone else, but you, Evie," Steve said.
"Well, what's going on then?" Evie stepped closer to him.
"I can't tell you," Steve said, reaching out to touch her face.
Evie slapped his hand away. "What do you mean you can't tell me? What is going on, Steve? You can tell me anything."
"Not this. I'm sorry, Evie." Steve shook his head sadly. "But it's nothing to do with you. I promise. I love you."
"If you loved me, you'd be honest with me! Call me when you grow up, Steve!" Evie shouted, as she stomped away.
Steve felt guilt shoot through him painfully, as he heard the tears in her voice. He never wanted to hurt Evie. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't tell her, and he hadn't meant to pull away. It had just happened. Steve was afraid she'd never see him the same way again.
Inside the house, Soda stood by the door listening to Steve and Evie.
"You really shouldn't do that," Darry tried to scold his brother.
"If you'd seen him earlier, you would be listening too, Dar. Something really ain't right, and it just keeps looking worse," Soda said.
Steve came back inside and let himself fall into a chair, holding his head in his hands. He wouldn't look at any of them.
"Steve?" Soda asked.
"What? I know you heard. Don't pretend you didn't," Steve said, feeling a tear fall down his cheek.
"All right. Fine. Couldn't help myself," Soda admitted, sitting down next to Steve.
"I do love her, man," Steve said shakily, still not looking up.
Soda put a hand on his shoulder. "I know you do," he said.
"Hell, we all know that, Steve. Evie does too," TwoBit piped up, already half drunk.
Steve had forgotten he was there. It wasn't just Soda listening to him this time. It was all of them.
"Steve, whatever is going on with you, Evie will understand and come around," Soda added.
"No, she won't. Cause I can't tell her. I can't say it!" Steve yelled, finally looking up.
"Just call her when you're ready," Darry tried.
"You're not hearing me! I'll never be ready!" Steve shouted, jumping to his feet. "I got to go. I'll see you guys later," he said, as he left the house.
Pony, who had stood speechless, finally spoke. "What was that?" he asked. This was not the Steve Pony knew at all.
"I don't know. He won't tell me either. But I know something is really wrong. What do I do, Darry?" Soda asked, looking to his big brother for help.
"Just hang on, little buddy. You know Steve. He'll be okay eventually," Darry said, ruffling Soda's hair.
Soda wanted to believe that, but he wasn't so sure.
Nicholas was just about to head into his bedroom for the night when he heard the door slam, and his son appeared in front of him.
"This is all your fault!" Steve shouted.
"What are you talking about?" Nicholas asked.
"You're the one who said forget about it! You told me don't ever speak of it again! But I didn't forget. I tried and I can't!"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Clara! She hurt me, Dad! She hurt me! How could I forget?"
Nicholas froze. He'd tried to shut out the guilt he felt over the suffering his son had endured. It was still there just as much as Steve's memories were though. "I'm so sorry, Son. I really only did what I thought was best at the time," he said.
"That's all you can say? I just fucked things up with Evie because I can't even stand for a woman to touch me that way right now. And you're sorry?"
Nicholas wished he could do better. If he could turn back time, he'd keep things out in the open with Steve. He wouldn't try to go on like nothing happened, like he hadn't invited a monster into his own son's life. But he couldn't change it now. "What do you want me to do?" he yelled.
"I don't know! I just want all of this out of my head. It won't go away, and Sodapop and all the guys know something is wrong with me! You don't know what it's like to have this shit in my mind." Steve turned away from his dad.
"I know what it's like to not be able to forgive myself! Cause I haven't. I really thought it hadn't affected you, that she was gone, so it didn't matter," Nicholas said, touching Steve's shoulder.
Steve thought of Clara's hands touching him and wondered how his dad could think that wouldn't matter. It had always mattered. "She abused me, Dad. How the hell could that not affect me?" he shouted, feeling tears that he was determined to stop.
"I don't know. But you haven't said anything all this time so-"
"Cause I tried to pretend it didn't happen like you told me to do. And it was like you blamed me then! I never even told anyone." Steve took a deep breath. "But these memories...they keep flashing into my mind, Dad! It's like it haunting me, and you're the one who mentioned her the other day!"
Steve hated the memories that had become like echoes in the night. No matter how much he fought them, they always bounced back, reverberating with the sound of innocence taken.
"I messed up back then, Son," Nicholas admitted. "Let me fix it now." He tried to hug Steve, but his son violently pulled away.
"No, Dad. You should've been like that then. I wouldn't feel like this now if you had," Steve said venomously, as he walked away from Nicholas.
Nicholas awakened during the night and started to make his way to the bathroom. On the way, he realized he didn't see Clara anywhere. He peaked into Steve's room.
"Go away. Please don't do this anymore," Steve was crying.
What is going on? Nicholas wondered. He opened the door a little more and struggled with the sight before him. Clara lie close to Steve. Too close. Steve wasn't moving, but tears rolled down his cheeks, as he pleaded for Clara to stop.
"What is going on here? Clara, get away from him!" Nicholas shouted so loudly the house seemed to shake, and Clara bolted away from Steve.
"Nothing! He just had a nightmare! I was comforting him," Clara tried to lie.
"Bullshit! Get out of my house! Don't ever come near me or my son again!" Nicholas yelled furiously. He'd have liked to think he would never lay a hand on a woman in anger, but if Clara didn't get out of his sight and out of his house, he couldn't make any promises.
"But Nicholas!" Clara tried.
"Shut up and get out! I can't believe I ever let you near my kid. You're sick, Clara!" Nicholas said, going toward her.
Realizing her safety was in danger, as she looked into Nicholas' blazing eyes, Clara fled from the room. They never saw her again.
Nicholas stood in the middle of the living room, feeling as defeated as he had the night he'd caught Clara touching his son. He hadn't protected Steve. He was all he'd had after Rose died, and he'd let him get hurt. Nicholas remembered how Steve had seemed to be trying to pull away from Clara, but he naively blamed it on the boy's grief over losing his mother. Before he'd walked into Steve' bedroom that night, Nicholas had turned a blind eye to anything that seemed suspicious. Steve missed his mother, and Nicholas did too. Clara missed her own son. Nicholas had actually felt sorry for her back then, before he knew what she really was and why she was so interested in staying close to Steve. Looking back, Nicholas wished he had been able to make things better for Steve after he'd thrown Clara out, but he had not done enough.
He went to the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. Maybe if he had a drink, he'd feel better and less like a failure. Nicholas knew he'd have to find a way to make this up to Steve. He looked out the window at the sky, thinking of his wife.
"Please help me, sweetheart. You were always better than me, Rose. You were an amazing mother. Please help our son now," Nicholas said, feeling the whiskey burn his throat.
After Clara had run from the house, Nicholas turned to see his son curled up in a ball on his bed, face buried in his arms.
"Stevie? Are you okay?" Nicholas asked gently, touching his son's shoulder.
Steve only sobbed.
"Has this..." Nicholas didn't know how to ask this. "Has this happened a lot?" He feared this hadn't been the first time.
Steve nodded his head. "I'm so sorry, Dad," he cried.
"I wish you'd told me." Nicholas said sadly. "But it's okay now, Son. She's gone. No on is going to hurt you like that ever again," he assured his son.
"She just kept touching me, Dad. Why? Why would she do this?"
"Something isn't right with her, Steve. She's crazy. Don't worry. It's over." Nicholas stroked Steve's hair.
Steve tried to believe it was over because Clara was gone, but it wasn't over for him. He could never forget something like this. Didn't his dad see that?
Steve hadn't known where he was going, just that he needed to get away from his dad. His feet carried him back to the Curtis' house, and he was just about to open the door when another memory slammed into him.
There was a knock at the door, and Nicholas opened it to see a woman he didn't know.
"Hello? Are you Nicholas Randle?" the woman asked.
"Yes. Who are you?" Nicholas asked.
"I'm a friend of Clara's. I'm afraid I have some bad news," the woman said sadly.
"She doesn't live here anymore," Nicholas said, his voice hard.
"I know. I mean, I heard you guys got in an argument, and she left, but-"
"What's going on, Dad?" Steve asked, coming to stand next to Nicholas.
"Nothing, Son. Yeah, she's not coming back here," Nicholas said, turning back to the woman.
"What I'm trying to say is Clara killed herself a couple of days ago. She was staying with me, and I found her. I thought you'd want to know," the woman finally explained why she was there.
Steve's eyes widened in shock.
"I think you should go now," Nicholas insisted.
The woman looked stunned at his lack of emotion, but she started to walk away.
"Dad, why would she-" Steve started.
"She was sick, Steve," Nicholas said."Let's not talk about it anymore."
Nicholas had no idea that Steve blamed himself for Clara's death now too.
"Steve?" came Darry's voice.
"Darry, I need Soda," Steve pleaded.
Darry took in Steve's tear-stained face and the desperate tone in his voice and immediately went to get his middle brother.
Soda came to the door, giving Steve a concerned look.
"Let me know if you need me, little buddy," Darry told Soda, as he closed the door, leaving them alone.
"What's going on?" Soda asked softly. "It's hasn't been that long since you left. Did something else happen with Evie?"
Steve walked near the edge of the porch, farther away from the front door. "Come over here, Soda. I don't want anyone else to hear me. Please."
"Okay. Buddy, what happened?" Soda was growing more worried as he watched Steve.
Steve was now gripping the porch railing and staring at the ground. He shook like he was terrified.
"Steve? Say something," Soda nudged.
Steve didn't speak, as he covered his face and sank to the ground, curling himself into a ball. Soda heard muffled cries, and he sat down next to his best friend. He laid a hand on Steve's back and was relieved when he didn't flinch away.
"Soda?" Steve asked quietly. "I want to tell you something." He still didn't look up.
"Okay. Tell me."
"It was Clara." Steve's voice broke.
"What was Clara?" Soda leaned closer.
"She hurt me, Sodapop. She hurt me. Then..." Steve struggled to speak.
Soda squeezed his shoulder. "What do you mean, buddy?" he asked.
"She-she touched me...like, you know, in my bed at night," Steve stuttered. "And my dad caught her, then-" he sobbed, unable to say any more.
Soda felt his blood run cold, as he comprehended the meaning of Steve's words. His best friend had been abused in the worst possible way by someone he should've been able to trust. "Buddy, I'm so sorry," he said, at a loss for more meaningful words.
He'd had no idea. Soda had met Clara and had no clue she'd been capable of something like that. Hadn't she played at trying to be like a mother to Steve? That was how she'd gotten close. Nicholas, Soda knew, had been devastated at losing his wife, and he'd tried to build a relationship with Clara. Steve had basically said that much to him when they were kids. But this? He hadn't known because Steve hadn't wanted him to, and they'd been so young. It wasn't like Soda could've suspected. Remembering Steve's mysterious statements about Clara lately, Soda figured Steve had never told a soul. He had questions, but he was afraid of making this harder.
"That's what's been wrong with me, Soda. It's like I can still feel her and hear her, and I can't take it anymore," Steve cried.
"It's okay, buddy," Soda said, knowing it wasn't okay at all.
"My dad told me then to just let it go and that it was over. He didn't want to talk about it anymore. I tried, but I still remember. I don't want to. I was just a little boy!" Steve looked at Soda and wiped his eyes. "Then, she killed herself, and I felt like she died cause of me!"
Soda remembered his conversation with Darry about Clara. Recalling the look on his face, Soda wondered if Darry knew something about her death that Steve hadn't told Soda at the time.
"It's not your fault, Steve. I hope you know that. Like you said, you were just a little boy," Soda said, feeling tears coming to his eyes.
"My dad acted like he blamed me for all of it sometimes. And then, he wanted to just go on like nothing happened. But it did! I can't pretend it didn't."
"And you don't have to. No way your dad blames you. You were just a kid." Tears trekked down Soda's cheeks.
He wanted to help Steve, but he sure didn't know how. That was such a long time to have kept inside the pain and hurt that had afflicted him at the hands of this woman when he'd been a young and vulnerable little boy.
Soda hesitated, but then decided he had to try to offer more comfort. He hoped Steve would let him. He reached for his best friend and eased his arms around him.
Steve fell into the embrace, leaning on Soda as cries continued to rip through him. Soda just held him, feeling his heart break at the sound of his sorrowful crying.
"I hate this so much! I tried to forget!" Steve cried, anger slipping in to mingle with the terrible sadness.
"There are some things you can't just forget, buddy. I'm sorry your dad expected you to do that."
Steve clung to Soda, gripping his shirt, as he sobbed. "It's like it's been trying to eat me up," he said, his face hidden in Soda's chest.
"I know. I'm here for you. You know that. I know I can't help much, but I'm still here."
Soda rested his cheek against Steve's head, as he turned to look at the night sky. He thought of Steve's mom and his own parents. "Please help us, guys. Please help him," he whispered to the stars, still holding onto his hurting best friend.