My own army

by MorbidPet17

Amanda loses the only person she's ever cared about. Her sister is dead, she's convinced it wasn't just an accident but no one believes her. She finds herself going to such lengths to find who's responsible that she loses herself in the process. Will the squad be able to bring her back around or has she gone too far? Does she even care if she herself becomes a victim?

6. The Dark Wood

Sorry for the delay, I struggled & had to rewrite the part of this chapter that is Amanda's POV like three times since I wasn't pleased with it. Still not completely satisfied with it but it will pour into the next chapter so there will be time for penance. And this chapter is way long. Seems I'm trying to break my own record. Phew.

And I think I have to put a warning on this chapter and probably for the chapters to come. We're going dark (darker) just so you know. There will be flashbacks that will contain child abuse and since you'll also be getting Amanda's POV we're now entering an adult area so to speak. I tend to write very graphic and it feels wrong to sway from it even with gritty subjects. I tend to dwell on misery though so pls let me know if I take it too far, not too much in this chapter I think but in future there might be. I'll try and do my best to put warnings before upcoming chapters that might become very (very) dark. And after saying that... happy reading? ;)

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Chapter 6: The Dark Wood

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The enticing Shay was no other than Amanda and even though they'd both been ready to find her in the club they hadn't been ready to find her quite like this.

"Dirty, rotten, filthy, stinkin..." a man's voice sang through the speakers. Fin couldn't recognize the song but he heard every vocal, every note, as Amanda swayed her hips to the beat. She was good. No she was amazing. She owned the stage from the very first second she entered it.

"Tastes so good makes a grown man cry Sweet Cherry Pie," the man's voice sang out as Amanda strutted forward on the stage with a skirt so short any man would be tempted to see more. On top she wore a white shirt with folded up arms that made you think of Britney Spears in that first music video of hers. Amanda's hair was out though and went down below her shoulders in sultry waves. She wore high black heels with fine net stockings that were held up by a garter belt. She reached the first pole and clung on to it tilting her body to one side as the man sang "Swingin' to the left" and then made a spin with her leg hooked around the pole as he sang "and swingin' to the right". The crowd cheered and whistled as she took a step back only to launch herself forward and took a few spins around the pole. They cheered even louder though as she let go of the pole and strutted forward on stage at the same time as she ripped her white shirt open. Fin's eyes would have grown wider if it was humanly possible but it wasn't. She wore a corset underneath made of pink satin that pushed up her breasts and the white lace at the top barely covered up her nipples. She came up to the very front of the stage and slowly pulled the shirt completely off one arm at the time.

"She wanted me to feed her," the man sang and Amanda got her arms up in the air, swayed her body back and forth as she squatted down. She got down on her knees and hands and crawled towards a man on the side of the stage. The man looked very content as Amanda grabbed his arm and then licked the palm of his hand as the man sang "And she licked the beater". The crowd on that side of the stage whistled as she pushed the man's hand down to her breasts and then helped him to grab the sheer fabric and pull it down so her nipple got exposed.

Amaro had been mesmerized ever since Amanda first entered the stage but now it got a little too real and he managed to pull his eyes from her and over Fin's way. Fin did not manage to pull his eyes away though and Amaro's eyes wandered back too as he heard a disappointed sound from the crowd around the stage. Amanda had let the man's hand go and with that the fabric covered her nipple up again. She smiled in a sultry way as she got back on her feet and started to make her way back towards the pole again.

"I scream, you scream, we all scream for her. Don't even try 'cause you can't ignore her," the music played on as Amanda took a spin around the pole. She made a few limber moves around the pole that were really impressive. She got her skirt up a few times, exposing the tiny g-string she wore underneath. The men cheered like hungry wolves every time they got a glimpse. She rewarded men that leaned in to the stage with an extra glimpse and she seemed to enjoy the power she had up there. She came back forward on the stage again as the music pumped "She's my cherry pie, cool drink of water such a sweet surprise. Tastes so good make a grown man cry, sweet cherry pie."

Amaro shied his head down a little as Amanda started to pull the string in her corset. It felt like he was intruding but still couldn't tear his eyes away completely. Fin wasn't sure how he felt but now that he had eyes on his missing partner there was no way he would let her out of his sight.

She was stringing up her corset and then left it hanging open which exposed her breasts every now and then as she moved to the music; "She's my cherry pie. Put a smile on your face ten miles wide. Looks so good bring a tear to your eye, sweet cherry pie." She had obviously danced to this song before as she knew how to move to it. She was really getting down and dirty to the music as it seemed the act was coming to a close. At one point she was down on her knees and then laid down on her back with her legs folded underneath her. She was very limber. The corset slid off to the sides as she made a move that looked as her heart was pounding out of her chest. She made her way up to her feet again and then with one swift move she tore her skirt completely off as the speaker blasted "Swing it!" only to go completely silent and the lights went off as the crowd gave applauds.

Fin watched her hug the torn skirt to her chest and at the same time grabbed a few dollars off the stage as she left the stage through the smoke. He had expected her to make a round on the floor to collect tips but she left with only the dollars that were already tucked in her g-string. He rose to go after her but Amaro stopped him by lunging out his arm in front of him.
"What are you doing?" he asked and Fin gave him a strange look.
"I'm going to talk to her," he said and thought it was obvious.
"You can't just walk back there," Amaro said and looked around a little to make sure no one was watching them. Fin looked back over at the stage but then sat back down as he realized Amaro had a point.

A waitress was nearby and Fin waved her over.
"Sir?" she smiled as she got closer.
"You have a champagne room right?" Fin asked and got an even wider smile from the girl.
"Yes sir."
"That girl who was just on stage, the blonde, can we get her?"
"Shay? I think so, I'll send someone over 'key?" Fin stopped her before she could leave though.
"She's new right?" he asked taking the opportunity to dig a little.
"Depends on your definition of new. Like a month and a half I think," the girl smiled.
"Yeah I thought so, haven't been around for a few weeks and I can't remember seeing her before. She's beautiful."
"She sure is and you're not the only one who think so, so I better hurry to send the floor manager over if you wanna book her," the girl winked and headed back to the bar. Fin followed her with his eyes hoping to get a glimpse on how things were run around here but he lost her as she went inside the back room.

"One and a half month," Amaro whispered loud enough so only Fin could hear him. "That's before she even said she left for Atlanta." He was stating the obvious, Fin had already figured it out and it was spinning around his head. How had she managed to pull that one by him? A few pieces fell in place though. That glitter on her cheek that morning in the bunks, her new hair-do and her being tired all the time.

"Hey there, understand you're interested in Shay?" Fin got interrupted from his thoughts as a woman spoke. She had approached without him noticing. Amaro had seen her though and greeted her with a smile. She was a little bit older than the waitress and she carried a little book that told them she was in charge of the girls tonight.
"Uhm yeah," Fin found himself rather quickly.
"Okay, she's one of our popular ones as you might understand. Pure blondes tend to be," she winked at them before she looked down in her book.
"She has an opening at 11.45 will that work for you?"
"How long do we get her for?"
"It's the both of you?" the woman asked and Fin nodded.
"Well it's thirty minutes."
"Can you book a double?"
"I'm afraid she has to be on stage at a quarter after," the woman looked at them with a sympathetic face.
"What if we pay extra?" Fin tried. The woman smiled again.
"Eager," she whispered and had another look in her book. She flipped a few pages and then went back to the original page.
"How about an extra fifteen and a whole bottle for 200?" the woman suggested and Fin immediately went for his wallet. He handed her five Franklins without hesitation and the woman said someone would be around to fetch them when it was time.
"You have any preferences?" she asked before she left. Fin gave her a look.
"Want her to dress a certain way?" she suggested. Fin shook his head.
"We take her any way she comes," he smiled and she walked off.

"Visit strip clubs often?" Amaro had to ask seeing how Fin had known the normal price without asking.
"I've been around," Fin just said and downed the rest of his drink. He checked his watch even though he'd just checked it. He was eager. Eager to ask Amanda straight up what the hell was going on.

Nick let him be and sent Liv a text letting her know they'd spotted Amanda. He'd hesitated how he should describe what they were up to and just wrote that they'd booked a meeting with her at 11.45 hoping that Liv would get it.

They had to sit through a rather large number of stage shows. Amanda made a brief appearance not long after her first but this time in the company of two other ladies. They took turns at the front pole but Fin kept his eyes on her wherever she went. He gritted his teeth whenever he saw a man stick a dollar down any of her remaining piece of clothing even though she didn't seem to have any problem with it. After the dance the ladies took a little walk around the stage to collect even more tips. They didn't need to fear exposition though since the girls only moved around the closest tables.

Fin had ordered another drink and Nick saw him down it a little too fast. Nick was just hoping that wouldn't be a problem later on. Last thing he needed was a drunk partner as they were confronting their sprung one. Fin seemed calm and collected though when a waitress came around to fetch them. She put a 'Reserved' sign on their table and then, with a bright smile on her face, told them to follow her.

They were passing the lap dance room as they headed towards the champagne room and Nick couldn't help but through a look inside. He'd never gotten a lap dance, couldn't say he was keen for one but was still curious to see one live and not just in a movie or something. He saw like four guys in there, all of them on a chair each and straddled by a female. There was a meaty guy at the entrance and he shot Nick a suspicious eye and Nick just shot him a nervous smile and then looked away. The waitress had grabbed a bucket with a bottle from a table below the staircase they were apparently walking up. She picked up another bottle and carried it with her in her free hand.

"This way gentlemen," she smiled over her shoulder as she walked through the velvet fabric that draped the entrance to the stairs. The entire staircase was painted red and it had a different smell. Where they came from there was a smell of testosterone but here it was all ladies perfume and there was a bit of a breeze coming from above. Nick felt anything but calm and collected once they approached an open door. He actually feared facing Amanda now, not knowing how she would react to their presence. She wasn't in the room they could both conclude rather quickly though. The waitress put the bucket on the table that stood in-between two cushioned chairs and asked them to take a seat. She went to fetch two glasses from a shelf on the wall. Fin took one chair and made it easy for Nick to slip down on the other one. The waitress came back with the glasses and started to pour champagne into them.

"So Shay will let you know when times running out. You have forty five minutes as you know," she said and handed Fin his glass. He gave her a nod and then tasted the champagne. She was saying something else but neither Fin nor Nick paid any attention as they'd heard a familiar laugh out in the hall and behind the waitress they saw someone with blonde hair enter. Nick met Amanda's eyes the moment before he had to turn his eyes away as he was fumbling when he reached for the glass that was handed to him.

Fin had her pinned down with his eyes though. He spotted the brief moment of shock and then he recognized that crossed look she got whenever she got angry. She kept a straight face though, said nothing.
"Well enjoy your lady gentlemen," the waitress smiled and let her hand swipe over Amanda's stomach as she left, closing the door behind her. A few moments went by with a staring match that Nick wasn't involved in, Fin and Amanda had a corner each in this fight.

Nick couldn't help but swipe his eyes over her body meanwhile. She wore yet another outfit. This one was skimpy to start with. Black high heels that made her fishnet stocking clothed legs look longer than he'd ever seen. The stockings ended well below the short black skirt she had on and they were held up by a garter belt with red lace strings. Her midsection was bare and then came a black and deep red corset that barely covered her nipples. Her shoulders were bare but then she wore long, black gloves with a red cross seem for a pattern. Her hair was out, flowing blonde locks going down her back, pushed back by a black satin ribbon. Her face was covered with make-up but in a way that elevated her natural beauty. Her lips were deep red and Nick watched as her tongue made a brief visit to her lower lip and that made him, thankfully, look up just as her eyes swayed from Fin's over to his own. It seemed Fin had won the staring match.

No one had really noticed that music had started playing, something the waitress had seen to. Amanda took a bit of a wider stance which made her seem even more in control of the situation and she started to peel off her gloves as she looked down and shook her head a little.

"So there's a camera in the corner by the door," she said and both men knew better than to look straight at it.
"Someone is watching us but they can't hear us. Management is too cheap for that. You can touch me but up to a point or someone will come in here," Amanda had gotten her gloves off and looked back up at them, letting her eyes wander between the two. She had her gloves in one hand and slapped them a little against her own thigh.

"So I'm going to have to give at least one of you a lap dance," she said looking less than thrilled. Nick looked a little stunned as he saw Fin point Nick's way. He had not signed up for that.

Amanda kept her eyes glued on Fin for a while, keeping that stern face of hers but then her eyes wandered over to Nick. Nick met her eyes and he saw a cheeky smile spread across her face. It made him nervous. He watched her swipe her tongue over her lips and he swallowed hard as she started to walk towards him with those legs of hers.

"Can I have some of that?" she asked once her knees were close enough to touch his. It took a while for him to register just exactly what she had asked for as he felt a bit light headed. Once he got it he nodded and handed her the glass. She looked Fin's way and then swept the entire glass at once. She then extended her hand towards Fin and said;

"You mind refilling it, I have a feeling your boy will need it once I'm done with him." Nick felt very much like a piece in battle here and wasn't sure how he felt about it. Fin took a few seconds but then took the glass from her. She pouted her lips a little at Fin and then turned her attention back to Nick. Nick couldn't help but swallow hard again, he regretted now that he hadn't had more to drink downstairs after all. He felt as though he needed that entire champagne bottle now that Amanda spread her legs and moved herself up above his lap.

"You think you're ready for me?" she asked in a very seductive way as she put her gloves around his neck. All he could do was stare at her and just try and keep his brain cool, and the rest of himself cool as well. She pulled at her gloves a little as she sat down which made his face come very close to her body and for a few second he found himself staring right down her cleavage. She started to move slowly to the music. He felt her thighs against his even though he tried to push his legs together to get away from her. Parts of him didn't feel like getting away oddly enough though and he felt very uncomfortable.

"What are you doing Amanda?" Fin finally asked and Nick felt a bit relieved as it immediately caught her attention and she turned her head towards Fin with a distressed look over her face.
"Shay!" she said through greeted teeth. "You tryin' to kill me?" Fin put his glass to his lips but before he took a zip he asked;
"Isn't that what you're already trying to accomplish?" She'd kept moving a little the entire time and now turned her attention back to Nick again. She got down closer to him, close enough he felt her breath on the side of his neck. It sent shivers down his body that he couldn't ignore. He took a deep breath.

"I'm just trying to make a living," she whispered as she came eye to eye with Nick. "I've heard I'm pretty good at it," she smiled at him and seemed to look for acknowledgment. He was unable to speak though and it got even harder to breath as he found his face more or less in her cleavage again. He tried to clear his throat a little but it still seemed something was stuck down there.

"C'mon... Shay," Fin decided to give her that at least, "we're here let us help you out."
"I don't need help, I'm perfectly fine," she answered back quickly, "ain't I Nick, ain't I fine?" She placed a kiss right by Nick's ear as she sat back down. Nick found himself wishing he'd put on briefs and not boxers that morning and that fact got even more evident as she rubbed herself above him. He had to put his hands on her hips to try and get some distance between them. It had no affect though as she kept moving above him but now with a big grin on her face that she tried to control by biting down on her lip only adding to his attraction level to her at right this moment.

"Stop with the act will you," Fin begged her.
"I'm not acting, this is who I am now," Amanda said and shot Fin a side glance before she turned her attention back to Nick.

"I bring pleasure to horny men," she said with a bit of a slur and the next moment Nick felt her hand on his manhood as she pushed herself up to stand. She gave him a face that told him she'd felt what he already was feeling. She turned her back to him as she started to dance again. Nick took the time to take a deep breath and reached out for Fin to give him his glass back. Fin was slow to respond and of course he hadn't refilled it so Nick reached over to do so. Amanda meanwhile was getting her hands up above her head lifting her hair off her neck and seductively moving her hips back and forth as she got down and dirty.

"We know exactly what you're up to," Fin said.
"Well of course honey, you watching me do what I do right this minute," she said and twirl around. Nick almost put his drink in the wrong pipe as he felt her hands on his knees and he held on tight to his drink as she came up with her knees on his lap. He found himself grasping with his free hand around her so she wouldn't fall off him but it seemed she knew exactly what she was doing. She grabbed his hand with the glass and guided it to her own lips. Some champagne spilled and she licked it off the side of her mouth. He closed his own mouth as he saw her eyes wander down to it and again he felt like he was making a fool of himself as she smiled. She leaned even further in to him, she was so close he felt her breath against his own lips and he started to get cross-eyed as he tried to look at her.

"Stop toying with him," Fin muttered.
"Jealous are we?" Amanda smiled without pulling back. Nick was now trying to go back through his chair to get away from her.
"We're here to help you."
"Do I look like I need help?" Amanda asked with some attitude and to Nick's relief turned her head towards Fin.
"Yes you do," Fin said staring her down. Amanda's look of anger quickly went back to a smile again as her eyes wandered over Fin's body.
"I think you're the one that needs help," she said and Nick felt even more relieved as she stepped down off him. Amanda pranced over to Fin and had to spread her legs widely as he made no attempt to help her get to his lap. Amanda had fun with it lifting her skirt up high and she bit down on her lower lip with a big smile on her face.

"Relieve some tension in that big, bad body of yours," she whispered as she let her lip go. She let her skirt go right in front of his face, she was so close the skirt brushed against his face as she did this. Fin didn't even blink, just kept staring at her with a stern looking face.
"You just do what you have to, to try and push us away but we will still be here afterwards," Fin said and he could tell it got to her even if it was evident on her face just for a brief second. She'd gotten her arms up around his neck and she flipped her hair a little so it brushed up against his face.

"Oh c'mon detective, aren't I just your type. Pouty lips, big hair, slutty outfit. I'm just missing the rack right. You like 'em big don't you bad boy. But you know what," she said and blew some air right in his face, "with the money I'm making here I'll be able to buy 'em before summer ends. I can be just your type."
"I like you just the way you are, or were," Fin said with a breeze and Nick couldn't figure out how he could play it so cool when he himself was like putty in her hands.

"But she was such a sad character don't you think," she said and got up off his lap and started to dance in front of him. "All work, no play. I like this person so much more." She let her hands move up and down her body, lifting her skirt ever so often. She approached Nick again and he pulled back in his chair a little and crossed his legs. Amanda giggled a little but didn't make an attempt for his lap again. Instead she danced around him a little. Nick felt her hair brush up against him every now and then. He could smell her too. She smelled like jasmine, it suited her.

"Why didn't you tell me what you were up to?" Fin asked once he got tired of her carrying on her game.
"I didn't want to give you an opportunity to talk me out of it, I knew you wouldn't approve of my new career choice," she said as she came back to dancing in front of them.
"We know you're going after the Mayhem choker," Fin said bluntly. He saw her eyes briefly go by the camera up in the corner, he figured she was nervous someone would find out what she was up to.
"Have you traced him to this club?" Fin asked with his glass to his lip just in case someone was looking in closely.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Amanda said a bit flippant.
"There's another way to do this Am…," Fin quiet down before he finished saying her name.

"Oh you wanna see something else? Something more perhaps?" she said with a smile and again had her eyes set at Nick. He shook his head a little as her hands went up to the string in her corset. She crept closer to him as she undid the bow in her corset. She was about to get up on his lap again and Nick wasn't sure what to do with himself. Fin came to his rescue as he had enough. He rose up and grabbed a hold of her wrist. She gave him an angry stare but then tried to laugh at the same time.

"Stop. Playing. With. Us," Fin said straight into her face and very slowly hoping she would get it. Get that there was no way they would give up on her.
"I'm not. Just get it will ya. Geesh," she said and tried to bend her wrist out of his grip but he held on tightly.
"You're not fooling me with this act," Fin let her know.
"It's not an act damn it, this is what I do now," she kept insisting and trying to get out of his hold on her. Nick was just sitting there feeling completely useless. Fin was about to say something when the door bust open.

"Let her go," a heavy set man said loudly as he came rushing in.
"Justin it's okay," Amanda said quickly at the same time as Fin let her go. She took a step around and faced the recently arrived man. She gave him a smile and a nod to reassure him.
"Really, I'm fine. It's just a case of rivalry between these blokes," she said and threw a glance over her shoulder.
"My bad," Fin admitted and threw his hands in the air as he took a step back. Justin turned his eyes back to Amanda.
"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked and she gave him another nod.
"I can finish, no problem," she said.
"I want you in your seats, one more breach and your session is over," Justin said and directed it towards Fin. He sat down immediately and made sure Justin knew he'd heard him. Fin was actually happy to see they had her back. Reluctantly Justin left and closed the door behind him.

"Pour me another glass?" Amanda asked once she faced Fin again. He poured a glass for her and held it out towards her. She said thanks as she took it from him and she drank, this time a little slower.
"You know I won't just leave you here," Fin said and for the first time looked more sad than angry. Amanda had a rather cocky stance with one arm around her stomach and the other one holding the glass right underneath her lip.

"I don't need saving Fin. I went through something traumatic and I realized I needed a change. This is my change and believe me, I'm having so much more fun these days," she had walked over to him and straddled him. Nick saw Fin's hands move up around her behind as she sat down.
"I buy the traumatic but not the change," Fin answered.
"Well I don't know what else to tell you, I can't give you more than the truth," she said and took another zip of her drink. Fin watched her closely, looked for signs of untruthfulness that he could bust her on. But she played her part to perfection. He tried another couple of ways to lure her, to get her to sell herself out but she had answers for everything he threw at her.

Meanwhile Nick was just watching them and how natural they looked. He couldn't imagine himself sitting there if the roles were reversed, if it had been his partner going of the deep end. Not that he could imagine Olivia pulling something like this but then again he'd never in a thousand years thought Rollins could go this far either.

"I have to leave you now," Amanda finally said and finished her drink. She handed Fin the glass as she got up off him.
"Feel free to stay, I'll be on stage in a few minutes. It's a real show stopper I've been told," she gave Nick a wink. Fin didn't try to stop her from leaving. He looked a little defeated in Nick's eyes. Both remained in their chairs not really knowing where to go from here.

Amanda kept her smile as she left the room but the second she turned the corner she felt as though the air left her body. Justin stepped out from the surveillance room and she had to hold it together for a few seconds more as he asked her if everything had gone okay. She gave him a nod and the best smile she could achieve now as it felt as though she was about to implode. She hurried to pass him so she could let her face drop. She felt like dying.

She knew this had been a possibility, that her squad, at least her partner, might catch up to her. She'd done her best to hide her tracks but she also knew she worked with the best. They were known as an elite squad after all. But she had hoped that they would not find her, that they would let her work in peace. Maybe, just maybe, if they'd gotten here sooner. Then maybe she could have let them help her out but now it was too late. She was too deep, too far gone. There was no way she would let them know what she'd done to track this killer. How low she'd sunk. She bit her cheek so hard she drew blood as memories from last night flushed over her. Her insides were twisting with disgust when she thought of it and she had to rush into the bathroom to puke. But even after she'd emptied herself the filth and stains were left on the inside. She could never tell anyone what had happen and she'd do anything to protect herself and her secrets. The day after her sister had died and today were proof that a day really could make a whole lot of difference.

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He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away (Revelation 21:4)

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Amandas POV

Something severe broke inside of her that day on the pavement. A huge piece was missing inside and she knew she would never get it back. It was lost forever.

First it had hurt tremendously. She hadn't even been able to hold the pain inside. It was like nothing she'd ever experienced before. The loss of her sister was the most painful thing she'd ever experienced.

And it wasn't like she hadn't experienced pain before. Or that she'd been broken before. She grew up broken. Pieces broke in children every time a parent raised their hand to their child. Every time a father promised something but failed for the thousandth time. Every time an offensive word is shouted in a child's ear. She grew up feeling like she could shatter in pieces at any time. She tried to mend the pieces with band-aids, literally. But then she realized it was something else holding her together, some kind of magic glue. And that glue was her sister. She'd been the only reason to stick around. To fight. To stand up, or at least try to stand up, towards the pain and suffering brought to her. Having her sister and some kind of foolhardy pride took her through childhood and into adolescence.

The teenage years were if possible even worse. All the doubt and hormones that puberty rewarded you along with everything else. Rage she already had but also had learnt to contain. Not like her mother or sister. They contained nothing. No the teens were more about the brain maturing and realizing that what you felt growing up - the looks, feeling like an outsider, like a bad seed - was actually true. That was what everyone thought of you. She couldn't wait to get away from it all.

As her sister had spun out of control, she was just too much to handle even for Amanda, college was a way out. She stayed in state though so she was in driving distance just in case. It was weird living in a dorm room though. She learnt rather quickly she didn't have to walk on eggshells around there, she didn't really have to watch her back every second. She still did though but managed to feel free somehow anyway. Kim brought chaos to campus at times but Amanda took it and did her best to contain it as usual.

It wasn't until she entered the police academy that she actually felt like the pieces were starting to mend. The camaraderie gave her some sense of belonging and she realized she might not be such a bad person after all. She'd seen signs of that in college too. People didn't seem to find her so disgusting, so worthless as she'd grown up hearing she was. She realized the girls in her softball team in high school might actually had liked her too, it wasn't just something she'd imagined. It made her sad to think about though. It felt like such a waste. Maybe she could have felt a bit better if she'd realized this earlier. So she decided to just move on. Not think about the past. She would never think of herself as a victim. Not that it was anything wrong with being or becoming a victim. It could happen to anyone, just not her. Anyone else could cry but not her. Crying would make her look weak and weak she would never ever be again.

But she had cried that day on the pavement. The day when she broke completely and later when she managed to put herself together there was a huge piece missing. The piece that was her sister. She couldn't believe she'd let herself fall apart like that. And in front of the captain as well. And Fin. Olivia. Amaro. But she figured they would understand. Her sister had after all died. People were allowed to cry when someone died right. But then she started to tear up again as she ached for that part that was her sister. That missing part. So she bit down. Needed to focus on something else so she wouldn't break apart again. Loose her face in front of the others.

She had no idea why she'd suspected her sister had been murdered or why she'd been screaming about it at the site like a crazy person. But then she started to think about it. Maybe she was murdered. Kim always landed on her feet. She'd come out screaming and kicking out the most ridiculous situations. Someone must have done this to her. That gave her something to do, to occupy herself with so she wouldn't have to feel that pain of that missing piece. She clung on to that. She went on a mission.

At first she thought she might just be grasping at straws. Nothing really pointed to a murder and every suspect seemed to get cleared. Amanda had called Atlanta, asked some of her former squad mates to make sure Jeff had nothing to do with her sister's death. She trusted them when they said he didn't. Later she would still call him up herself though. She was angry at the time and needed to blow off steam. Even if he wasn't guilty this time around he'd been guilty in the past. He deserved whatever shit came flying his way and that's what she told him once she got a hold of him. She might have been a little intoxicated at the time and that might have made her come across a little too harsh but she still had no regrets.

Cassie and Bobby had been suspects of course but detective Radnor looked into it and Amanda saw the report. They had solid alibis and even though she wanted to she couldn't hold them guilty to her sister's death.

She had given Cassie her card but still got rather surprised when she actually called her up that Friday. She'd just wanted to check in she said at first, wanted to make sure Amanda was still doing okay. Amanda thought it was sweet of her but her detective instincts also told her something else was on Cassie's mind. When she tried to probe Cassie had asked if they could meet a little later. Amanda had driven her sister's body to the airport earlier and then spent the rest of the day just trying to keep her chin above the surface to get through the day. The thought of Cassie having something for her to grasp on to gave her a well needed boost to get through the day.

At first Cassie had just wanted to talk about Kim and how Amanda was handling her sister's loss. But Amanda didn't want to talk about that and quickly turned the table on her and asked how she was doing with her death and then Cassie had crumbled in an instance. And then she'd started talking. Opened up about everything. She wasn't directly responsible for Kim's death but she feared she had been the intended target. It seemed Cassie was holding a lot of secrets and Amanda was willing to listen to them all. Cassie wasn't just a waitress, that was mostly a front for what she actually did. She was an escort and a stripper. She worked at a strip joint in Queens called Bare Assets and had been for several years. One of the owners also ran an escort service and she'd been a part of his stable for years too.

Cassie told Amanda she came to New York in her early 20's to get away from her drunk mother and, of course, also with dreams to become famous. But she'd soon found out it was hard and that big dreams along with a little talent wouldn't take her anywhere in the business. She'd tried dance auditions on Broadway but struck out over and over again. When someone finally had spotted her though and told her she was very pretty and that she should try modeling she jumped at the idea as she was in desperate need of money by then. A few months later she was starring in porn flicks and it went even more downhill from there even if Bare Assets was one of the best joints she worked at.

She'd lost all hopes of ever living a normal life away from the sex industry when she met Bobby three years ago and fell head over heels in love. She started to have dreams again, they started to have dreams together. A house somewhere away from New York, normal jobs and maybe even kids. Bobby was also in the business. He was doing porn, gay porn, and other things that involved selling his body. They were unable to carry normal jobs for longer periods since they both had drug habits that cost more than they earn doing any nine to five jobs. So they did what they had to do to be able to save some money so they one day could get out of this rotten business.

It was really sad for Amanda to hear Cassie's story but she wasn't surprised. She'd heard this same story plenty of times now, both in New York and back home in Atlanta. But then she learnt something new.

Cassie had started to get threats. And not just the usual, almost every day kind from odd customers, it wasn't a safe business but this was something different. Something that felt much more real and scary. It had started with a simple note given to her in her dressing room at Bare Assets. It simply read 'BE MY VICTIM'. She'd felt it was odd but thought nothing more of it and just thrown it away. Then she'd gotten another one, this time stuck under her door at home. Same message but this time in cut out letters like those ransom letters you saw in movies or on TV. She'd shown Bobby and they'd talked about going to the police but since neither of them really trusted the police they had in the end done nothing more than be a little more on guard. Then she'd gotten attacked outside the club. A man jumped her and dragged her further in to the alley. He pulled her into this empty lot behind the club. He'd worn a mask and gloves but she'd seen a part of his arm and knew he was white. And he had no accent when he spoke. He'd said 'you are my victim'. She'd tried to fight him off as he pulled at her clothes. She thought she'd seen a second man standing around but she wasn't completely sure since she'd been under such distress.

A homeless man had saved her. She'd seen him around the club a few times, pushing his trolley in front of him. He'd started shouting and the man had let her go and run away. She wasn't sure what happen to the second man if there even were one. She'd picked her things up and ran out of there quickly. She had of course told Bobby what happen, but again they'd decided to not tell anyone figuring the police wouldn't believe a stripper anyway. They would just say she was asking for it. This had happen less than a week before Kim died.

Amanda had been in complete detective mode by now. She recognized some of the things Cassie were telling her from a specific serial killer's MO. Amanda had knowledge about almost any open case in the city of New York, and even some out there in the rest of the country. She had plenty of spare time since she didn't have many hobbies, and she loved her job, so she spent free time reading up on the police logs and open case files. She often brought work home with her and being tech savvy she'd fixed so she could get access to her work computer from home and that way get into the system whenever she wanted to follow a lead or look up a suspect. She might be a little over ambitious but she didn't see any harm in this, work calmed her down so what harm could it do.

After meeting Cassie she didn't head home though, she drove back to the station and got on the computer. She quickly found the case she was looking for. One of this specific killer's victims had received a threat just like Cassie's. Be my victim. And two of the victims had reported assaults just a few days prior to their disappearance. And, most importantly, his victims had all been blonde and blue eyed.

Soon her desk became too small of an area to work on so she moved her things into one of the interrogation rooms. That way she could also get away from the curious eyes in the squad room, she could feel them throwing looks her way but not really daring to approach her.

Soon though the table in the interrogation room became too small as well and she started on the floor. Once she got tired of crawling around on her hands and knees she started taping things up on the walls. She'd hardly slept, crashed in the bunks at times and all she could remember eating was a couple of stale donuts left behind by the coffee machine. When Amaro walked in that Monday morning she'd been going at it for several straight hours already. And she'd been very eager to tell anyone so she immediately started filling him in on the Mayhem choker case. Amaro didn't seem to pay that much attention to what she was saying though and she got somewhat irritated that he wouldn't listen. It was just like him to not take her serious. She'd followed him out into the squad room, talking rapidly and gesturing wildly. She knew how she could get when she got a bit too excited or engaged but she couldn't tone it down just now even if she wanted to. But she didn't want to either. She wanted them to catch this guy. This guy that wasn't just the slayer of at least five women, probably up to twenty, but also the man who killed her sister. She was dead certain of this now.

Liv and Cragen had walked in and Amanda wasn't sure if it was her or Nick that managed to get them to walk down to the interrogation room again. Amanda went around the room quickly, pointing to the case reports, the missing posters and trying to fill them in as quickly as possible. No more time could be wasted. This guy needed to be stopped.

When, yet again, no one seemed to listen to her she got agitated but her captain's hand in the air had silenced her quickly. He'd told her to take a breath, to breathe, to calm down. And with that she knew he wasn't seeing it. He didn't see what she saw. But in fairness she hadn't been able to tell him what Cassie had told him either so he might not see the connection. But then when she tried to tell him that hand went up again and he wouldn't let her finish her sentence. He wouldn't let her tell him what was so important. And then Fin walked in. Not until then did she register the look in everyone's eyes. They all thought she was crazy. She'd seen it before. She heard the echoes in her head; "The crazy Rollins sisters. Look at them. Crazy like their mother. Wasted like their dad. Cuckoo crazy. Why don't you just go and die already." For a moment she saw those kids amongst her co-workers. They were all over the room but then the little people vaporized into mist and she realized her tired mind was just playing tricks on her. Fin said something to her, she couldn't really register what though. She just let him take her out of there and the next time she registered anything she was sitting in the car next to him.

He'd told her to play it smarter and she knew he was right. Why hadn't she? Why did she give the rest a chance to think she was going crazy? She knew she had to be smarter, faster, better than everyone else. No she would play it smarter from now. Get definite proof and not until then would she bring it up again. She got in touch with the sergeant in charge of the Mayhem case. She thread lightly with him too and whenever she felt she was getting a head of herself she dug her nail down into her own wrist or whatever piece of flesh that was close to her finger and it got her to sober up quickly.

Fin of course helped her get back to work, talked to their captain for her and then she had to make up a story on why she wasn't going back home to Atlanta just yet. She had no idea why she'd brought up her father, that was such a stupid thing since it would be rather easy for anyone to pick a hole at that lie. But it worked well on her captain at least, she could see the shift in his eyes and knew he wouldn't probe more. The plan was still to fill him in, as well as the rest of the squad. She would just get proof and then she'd bring them on. But everything just piled up so quickly and she got sucked in so rapidly it was hard for her to grasp it all. And once she was in, there was just no way back out.

She'd taken a few more days to go through everything and Sergeant Eli Hetfield gave her some insight that wasn't in the records. They had no real suspect for the murders. Men had been questioned but they'd been ruled out one by one. She still kept their images etched in her mind though and she was fully on guard that first time she walked up to the strip club. It was early and the place was closed though. She tried the door even though she could read they weren't open yet. She'd lingered a bit and that's when she noticed the sign by the door. Auditions. They were holding auditions in just two days. She was tracing the words with her finger when she suddenly got interrupted by a man's voice. She jumped and felt her cheeks flush immediately as she caught the man's smiling face.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you," he said. Amanda shook her head quickly and nervously swiped a lose strand of hair behind her ear.
"Don't worry about it, my fault," she said.
"You thinking of auditioning?" he asked and leaned against the wall as he took a drag of his cigarette. He had a very urbane look about him. She threw a glance at the poster and then back at him again.

"I was looking for a waitress job, not sure I have the right assets for that," her eyes went down to her own chest. Growing up she'd never seen a problem with small breasts, it was actually a benefit when you were into sports. But then growing older she'd always wished she just had a little more to show upstairs. Not that she paid that much attention to it but the thought had crossed her mind at times. And when she thought of a stripper she definitely thought of a good rack.

She caught the guy checking her chest out and felt embarrassed that she'd directed his attention there.
"Oh I think what you got is plenty enough," he smiled as his eyes came back up to meet hers. She'd never been good with compliments, wasn't even sure that's what he'd given her but it did make her smile a little awkwardly as she felt her cheeks burn slightly.
"You're cute," he said as she managed to look at him again, "but I'm sure you hear that all the time." Amanda had to look away again and she probably shook her head a little without registering it.

"Men are just cowards, and jerks. Believe me you would be perfect for it. You like dancing?" he asked and Amanda flipped her shoulders casually.
"I guess," she said.
"You can't be shy though, and with your body you shouldn't be," he gave her a smile and then a wink as she peeked at him a little. He was rather cute. Very much her type. That strong, manly type. He definitely worked out and she liked what he had on. Jeans and a washed out brand tee. His head was shaved and it suited him. He had a tribal tattoo up his arm and she could see the end of it just by his neck. She caught herself wondering if he had any more tattoos. 'Get a grip Amanda' she thought to herself and put her hands in her back pockets to straighten up a little.

"You should totally do it, pays better than waitressing too," he said as he got off the wall and looked as though he was leaving. But he just faced out towards the street and took a drag of his cigarette. She peeked at him a little from underneath her bangs. Yeah he looked like he had plenty of self-confidence and it was very attractive.

"I hope I see you around," he said without looking at her. "My name's Scott. I'm one of the bartenders." Amanda swallowed and tried to hide her excitement. Cassie had told her about him. He was the go-to-guy at the club. He knew everyone and what was going on. Apparently he liked blondes too and Amanda had just found this out for herself.

"You have a name?" he asked and looked at her again.
"Shay," she said after just a slight hesitation. He held her eyes with his for a couple of long seconds. Amanda felt flustered under his intense look.
"Shay," he then repeated and nodded a little, "well I hope I'll see you again Shay. I think you'd be magnificent up there in the spotlight." She caught his eyes going down and then back up her body quickly before he shot her a smile and then walked away towards the side of the building. He shot her a look before he turned the corner though and back was that cute smile of his.

She took a breath and then took another look at that poster. Stripping. Could she really pull that one off? Cassie had been stripping, guess it made most sense she would too. She'd tried pole dancing once as they were trying out new classes at her gym. It had been harder than Amanda thought it would be, definitely more straining than it looked. She wasn't sure if they still had classes and try-outs were in only two days. She didn't have much time to prepare herself. She rushed back to the station and checked the computer. She found a class later that night not far from where she lived and she made sure she caught it. She came in early and went in a head of everyone just to start to get a feel of the pole. She picked up as much as she could from the instructor.

Once she was home, had showered and slipped into some casual clothes she tried putting on some… well sexy music. She had a CD that Fin had made for her as he tried to get her into rap music. When he put it on in the car she'd actually blushed because the lyrics were so offensive.

"You have to listen beyond that, get into the rhythm," Fin had said and then added with a cheeky smile; "The lyrics are just the filthy bonus." She tried to forget that now as she wasn't sure what Fin would think of this idea of hers. She would try it out she thought to herself and then she would tell him. But of course that 'then' never came.

She felt a bit silly as she tried moving around her living room and being all sexy. She'd just never thought of herself as sexy or seductive. She didn't have any serious body issues though. Growing up it hadn't been much about the external, the crazy was on the inside and that's what she worried about. She knew she had a good, functional body because she took care of it. She ate food that was good for her and she exercised. Her job demanded being fit. And she didn't mind using her body to get the job done. If it was tackling someone to the ground or flaunting it a bit to lure a perp, she didn't mind. Whatever it took getting the job done. This had of course put her at risk at times but when she was right in it, it was like it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was closing the case.

And this case was no different. So she kept practicing. Danced around her flat in high heels and tried to get down and dirty like the girls on some you-tube clips she found. She tried removing pieces of clothing and look sexy doing it. She wasn't really selling it to herself but still hope she could fool someone. Maybe if they thought she was a terrible stripper they'd still hire her as a waitress? She had to get in there somehow. Failing wasn't an option in Amanda Rollin's book.

She would use Shay as her undercover name. Shay Williams. It was a name she'd used back home in Atlanta. She even had her identity card left, kept it just for fun and it would become useful. She just hoped she still could get away with acting younger. The first time she'd used the name she was just a rookie. A honey trap for pedophiles that tried to hook up with underage girls through a website. It was very much like the TV show 'To catch a predator'. Someone else had baited them on the net for days, sometimes weeks and then one night she sent a photo with herself in a tiny shirt and a short skirt with the text; "Home alone, can we meet? XO." It never failed.

She looked very young back then but those men saw what they wanted to see as well and most of the time they were too horny to see straight. She had to admit she sometimes clocked them in the nut just for the fun of it. Everyone would buy is as self-defense but she knew she enjoyed it. No need to tell anyone that.

So that was the first time she used Shay as a cover. She'd gained a last name a couple of years later as Amanda had to go a little deeper undercover. This time it was for a drug bust. She got to come up with a backstory for Shay. She was a runaway, hooked on drugs early, had a kid young, he was in the foster care system and she tried to get him back but couldn't get off drugs. She was a sad and pathetic person. Amanda didn't mind playing her.

That backstory worked out brilliantly for another case later on. She was with the sex unit in Atlanta then and they were taking down a really slimy guy that preyed on young women and that used them viciously once he'd hooked them in his prostitution ring. Shay needed money to get her kid back. She was a perfect mark for this guy. It had been hard, and straining, work to get something on him. He was smart, she had to give him that. Luckily she wasn't undercover on her own. She had her partner with her. He played her boyfriend slash pimp and it was rather fun to role play with him. They were so good friends as well as partners, she trusted him with her life. Which was good as she one night had to snort drugs up her nose to get them out of a sticky situation.

All she could remember that night was bright colors, a lot of laughter, strange voices inside her head and feeling the need to constantly keep moving. She'd woken up in a hospital bed with an intravenous bag hooked to her arm. No one was angry or upset though, just happy she was awake again. Bryce, her partner, had gotten her out of there after a few hours of her constantly dancing. She'd felt embarrassed but Bryce had told her she'd just been over-energetic and hilarious all night, just as her usual self he'd added and gotten a slap on the arm for that. But she was grateful that he'd been there and he was grateful she'd taken that kind of bullet for them.

In the end they'd brought the guy down hard and that's what was important. That's what counted. And that's what counted now. She would bring this Mayhem choker down and she would do is as Shay Williams.

When auditioning day came though it was hard to get in character for her. She had to take time off work and only knew how to do it by lying. And what did you wear to a strip club audition? She'd googled it but for once Google hadn't been that informative. She figured it was a little like a dance audition and she'd ended up wearing black tights and an oversized shirt over one of her regular but finer bras. She left her car a couple of blocks from the club and then tied a scarf around her hip just to cover herself up a little. She'd brought a pair of high heels in her sports bag in case she would need it.

Walking those blocks from where she left her car… she couldn't remember when she'd been that nervous last. Maybe that first day walking in at SVU in NY? No, that was nerves but with excitement, this was more like nerves that could kill you. She stopped thinking though and headed straight for the building and then right for the door without thinking about anything. There had been like 20 girls there. Some had strippers written on their forehead but some looked just like Amanda, or Shay. A girl had greeted her and given her a number and she'd been told to sit down until it was her time. She'd soon realized she'd missed one rather important thing though.

The woman sitting next to the guy clearly in charge suddenly stood up as she clapped her hands to get everyone's attention.
"Okay its nine now and the auditions will start. We're going to call your number and you'll hand me your music. You will get one song to wow us with. It can go one of two ways. Either its thanks but no thanks or we'll ask you to stay. When everyone's gotten their turn on the stage we're going to discuss things, by things I mean you, and then we'll let you know our final decision. There are five spots up for grabs but we're always in need of fillers so we might put you on a call-back sheet if we see potential in you." The woman sat back down right after she'd called up number one.

Music. Shit. Why hadn't she brought Fin's CD? The rest of the girls auditioning looked a little snippy and she guessed it was because it was a bit of competition between them for the spots. The woman who had greeted her had seemed kind though. Amanda wasn't sure what role she had but it seemed she had a bit of floor duty since she'd fetched the man by the end of the stage a drink earlier.

Amanda kept her eye on her and figured she would try and catch her the next time she passed by. Meanwhile she kept throwing anxious looks up at the stage. Damn she was good and the rest probably were too. How could she ever have thought this was a good idea? She spotted the woman down by the bar and Amanda tried to slip up unnoticeable.

"Sorry, miss?" Amanda tried whispering but she didn't think the woman heard her. But she did see her. The woman's smile got brighter in an instance.
"You need anything?" she asked without raising her voice too much.
"It's… really embarrassing and all but…," Amanda hadn't come up with a plan and it was obvious now that she stuttered and acted like a complete idiot. The woman suddenly took a step closer though and put one hand on Amanda's arm and the other one behind her back.

"Just take a deep breathe," she smiled and when Amanda did it she could see the nice woman taking it with her.
"Now tell me," the woman said when Amanda was done.
"I'm new at this and I forgot to bring my music," Amanda admitted. The woman stroke her back a little and looked completely understanding.
"It has happen to all of us. Promise," the woman smiled. She seemed to look around a little and then she got an idea.
"Come with me," she said and didn't give Amanda much choice as she pulled her with her.

"We don't want to go in and steal one of the dancers music cause then we'll set you off to a bad start," the woman said as she dove behind a counter by the bar and came up with a box, "but these are old CDs that girls left behind. Maybe you can find something you recognize?" she said as she flipped the box open and pushed it towards Amanda. Amanda shot her a thankful smile and then dove right in. She had trouble reading some of the scribble on the discs and the ones she could read she didn't recognized. But then she finally spotted one she did recognize, and very well too.

"You found one?" the woman said and looked very happy. Amanda nodded.
"Awesome," she smiled and brought the box back down again.
"Thank you so very much," Amanda said and grabbed her arm.
"You're welcome," she said, "we girls need to stick together." Cassie hadn't lied when she said this was one of the better clubs she'd worked at. Not much catfights or rivalry and most times Cassie really enjoyed working here.

The woman put her hand above Amanda's and looked her straight in the eyes;
"Just relax and have fun. You don't need to take your clothes off. Not today. Jim actually prefers more of the old school striptease. He likes the tease. So tease. Have fun with it."

Amanda was so grateful to the woman who she'd later get to know as Tefani, she was one of the waitresses. And now she also knew it was Jim O'Loughlin that was at the center of the stage. He was the man who ran the club up front. There was another man behind it too, Gordon. Cassie didn't have a last name for him even though she'd worked for him for years. Amanda figured it was Jim's girlfriend Trina who sat next to him and had spoken earlier. She was one of the three head-waitresses, and the one to stay very friendly with since she was Jim's girlfriend. But according to Cassie it wasn't hard to be friendly with Trina. She was a former escort and stripper and as long as you didn't fool around with her man she would have your back.

Amanda went to sit back down and she got her high heels on, she'd noticed everyone was wearing them. She was really grateful for Tefani's tip and she felt relieved that she didn't have to throw her clothes off right here and now. She would focus on dancing, and teasing.

Jim and Trina were cutting girls viciously. Amanda tried to spot what they were looking for or more specific not looking for but to Amanda it looked as though they were cutting out some of the best ones. Some of the more heavily built girls seemed to get chopped because of their size.

Just one girl had come in after Amanda so they were 24 altogether Amanda had figured out by the number on her slip. When it was getting closer to her turn she felt ready to barf and hoped she wouldn't do that on stage. She tried taking deep breaths as her turn was coming up but as they called her number, number 23, she felt her legs tremble as she walked up to the table.

"Name?" the man asked without looking at her.
"Shay. Shay Williams," Amanda said. She saw the man start at her feet and then slowly let his eyes move upwards her body. She had always had a hard time being scrutinized, it was even harder when you felt fragile and she had to really fight hard to keep her composure. Once his eyes finally reached hers she had trouble reading him. At least he didn't look all together disappointed.

"Age?" he asked.
"25," she answered and hoped he would by it.
"Music," he asked for and she handed him the CD case. He looked at the title on it and then gave her another look before he handed the case over to Trina. Seemed he liked her choice in music.

"Please," he said and gestured to the stage. She managed to almost slip at the first step and heard some of the other dancers' chuckle. She took a deep breath once she got up on the stage. Once she faced outwards she realized she had a spotlight straight in her eyes even though the room was lit. It actually helped though cause that made it hard for her to see the faces of the people watching her. The people who would judge her. And once the music started she couldn't help but smile. The song brought back memories.

There was a reason she'd picked this song. She had a childhood memory of it. A memory both filled with fun and laughter as well as pain and tears but the bad she'd learnt to repress over the years. It was Warrant's "Cherry Pie". She'd been seven the year that song was released and the very first time she heard it it was actually in a strip club. A little less fancy strip club than this one though, most things in Loganville was just a little less fancy than in New York.

Amanda started moving to the music just as she'd seen the women do up on that stage. She remembered giggling with Kim. What on earth were a seven and a five year old doing at a strip club you might rightfully wonder? It's a rather easy question to answer. Their father was babysitting. Not that Amanda wasn't used already to take care of herself and her sister but for some reason their mother had insisted he'd stay with them. Might have had something to do with one of those tight skirt ladies that visited the week before. One of those strict looking ladies that kept asking you questions how you were feeling and if your mommy and daddy took good care of you. How could you answer that when you had no idea what 'good care' meant.

So that day they'd been stuck with their dad but their dad decided he didn't want to be stuck in that house all day. And believe it or not this strip club wasn't the strangest place he'd taken them to over the years. No they'd seen worse places with him. For a kid this was exotic and a little bit crazy. Grown women strutting around almost naked on a stage with drunk and goofy men putting money down their panties every now and then. Amanda and Kim found it both hilarious and weird at the same time and all they did was giggle and Kim kept pointing at the naked ladies boobs.

This fond memory with her sister kept moving around her head as she closed her eyes and just let the song take her away. Followed its moves and imagine herself up on that stage with her sister sitting there below the stage and giggling. She had the sweetest giggle and it was as vivid to her right now as the music was. Maybe the alcohol and smoke in the air in there had gotten to them because Amanda remembered feeling a bit delirious and Kim was surely acting like it.

She wasn't sure how they'd gotten home, perhaps someone drove all of them because then they were back at the house. Dad had some of his friends there and they kept drinking. Amanda and Kim, still feeling giddy, decided to go through their mother's lingerie drawer even though they knew they were forbidden in her room. But she wasn't expected back home for hours yet so they dared to. Fully equipped in only their mother's see-through garments and dragging their feet in her too big for them high heels they came back out to their father and his friends in the living room. They all laughed and both Amanda and Kim beamed at the attention since they weren't used to getting any.

Someone put music on, not Cherry Pie this time though but Amanda remembered how she'd still pretended it was that song playing and how she pretended to move like those ladies they'd seen earlier. And then someone had lifted her up on the kitchen counter, she remember her shoes falling off as she went through the air. She thought she remembered her dad protesting a bit about that but she couldn't remember that he'd ever left his spot on the couch so he couldn't have put much effort behind it. She'd been left up there and some of her dad's friends had shouted at her to dance.

"Well will you give me money then," she remembered asking cheekily and someone had waved a dollar in the air just like she'd seen at that strip club. So she'd danced. Danced her little heart out. She thought she could remember her father's face looking a little bothered but again he hadn't moved. And his so-called friends had cheered and Kim had run back and forth between her and the men a few times and gathered dollar bills from them that she put on the counter. Of course, thinking back, it had all been very inappropriate but it couldn't hide the fact Amanda had felt good up there. She'd been on top of the world. She had not just one but several people paying attention to her and they seemed to like it when she pulled up her lingerie and when she tried to shake her non-existing breasts like those ladies did making their breasts bounce back and forth. It had looked so funny when they did that and Amanda figured that's why the men liked it when she did it now.

But best of all was hearing her sister's laughter as she ran back and forth below the counter. The look in her eyes when she looked up and admired her sister. It was the best feeling in the world and Amanda could feel her sister present now. When Amanda opened her eyes a little she thought she saw her on the side of the stage and Amanda danced for her as much as for the men. Whatever would cheer up her sister, make her day just a little brighter.

Suddenly the music stopped and Amanda stopped dancing. She wasn't really sure what she'd done up there. How could she have spaced out like this?
"Thank you," she heard Jim say though. "Please come down here." She carefully got off the stage and walked up to the table. Both Jim and Trina was watching her a bit suspiciously with their eyes a little narrow.

"There's something..." he started saying but never finished the sentence and instead just studied her face. Amanda still wasn't sure if she'd done something right or totally made a fool of herself up there just now.

"Just have a seat for a while okay?" Trina said once Jim seemed stuck and Amanda nodded quickly and hurried over to the other side of the stage. She felt the rest of the girls stare at her but she had a seat quickly and instead paid attention to the last girl taking the stage next.

She kept praying silently she hadn't blown it. Like that day had blown up back then with the strip club and dancing on the kitchen counter. One minute she had been up there having fun, getting cheers and money thrown at her and the next minute her mother had walked in. Amanda swallowed hard and let the memories go down her throat as well. She was after all good at repressing bad memories.

---

Loganville, Georgia 1990

Emily Rollin's face turned from that usual stern one to furious in a single heartbeat as she laid eyes on her daughter up there on the counter. And in her lingerie on top of it. Amanda instantly froze, feeling like she just wanted to go invisible and that it was possible if she just wished it hard enough. But then her mother aimed straight for her and she knew she had it coming.

"Turn that devilish music off this instant," Emily screamed of the top of her lungs. She grabbed her daughter's wrist, flung her off the counter and for a few seconds Amanda was flying through the air. To Amanda everything went in slow motion and she was able to think that it would hurt so much when she hit the floor but she hadn't counted on the fact her mother was still holding on to her wrist. The jerk that occurred when she was just inches from the floor saved her from hitting it hard but dislocated her shoulder. Amanda wasn't even able to scream as the pain radiated from her shoulder out through her body and made her feel paralyzed. But then she felt a crack as her mother pulled her upwards again and the relief came instantly. New pain came though as her mom directed smacks to her back and behind along with violent screaming close to her ear.

"A whore. Is that what you want to become? Flaunting yourself at men. You want to be a child bride you bastard? I'll show you, you sick little girl."

From the couch Amanda's father, Michael, tried to plea and asked Emily to ease up.
"You just wait you sick bastard, you'll get yours too," Emily screamed at him and it immediately got him quiet. He smiled awkwardly at his buddies and took a swipe of his beer to water his throat and at the same time try and swallow down some of the embarrassment he felt.

The smacking suddenly stopped and Amanda hurried to take a few deep breaths knowing she needed to once her mom started again. She felt the pain in her shoulder again as her mother dragged her with her around the counter as she went to fetch Kim who had been hiding behind it. Amanda was dragged along like a rag doll as her mother picked up a crying Kim under her other arm.

"You get the fuck out of here you sick bastards," Emily screamed at Michael's drinking buddies as she dragged her daughters down the hall. Once she got them into her bedroom she tossed them both on the bed and screamed at them to take her clothes off instantly. Kim was crying loudly but started to peel her mother's garments off. Amanda felt numb and unable to move. Her mother lost patient quickly and started to tear the clothes off her. In the frenzy Emily managed to rip the sheer fabric and of course she blamed Amanda for it.

"Look what you did you little bitch," she screamed and more slaps landed on the side of Amanda's head and over her already aching shoulder.
"Please," Amanda begged.
"Please what? You want to be a whore? You want to dance for money, you want to have men drooling after you like out there just now?" Emily felt her blood boil and kept screaming until she was out of breath. Hadn't she raised her daughters better than this? She walked across the room to get some distance from her brats and she tossed the garments down in the still pulled out drawer. She watched other pieces of her clothes spread out on the floor underneath the drawer and she growled.

"What have a done to deserve such evil and rotten children?" she screamed.
"I'm sorry mama," Amanda tried now that she could talk again. Kim was sitting naked beside her, clinging to her arm and she knew she had to protect the little girl.

"Yeah I bet you're sorry. Sorry that you were caught," Emily said and walked back over to the bed. Amanda kept her eyes on her every second to be ready for the blow that could come any minute and if the blow was aimed at Kim she would need to protect her. But no palm or fist came, no object aimed at either of them. Instead her mother got that vicious look in her eyes and then that smile that made Amanda feel actual shivers go down her back.

"You want to flaunt yourself little girls? I'm going to let you flaunt yourself," she said through gritted teeth and she grabbed a hold of Amanda's wrist again and starting pulling her with her. She knew Kim would cling on to Amanda so there was no need to grab her, she would come willingly, following her sister like the little sick puppy she was. Amanda tried to dig her heels down, pull out of her mother's grasp but the pain in her shoulder made it too hurtful to try. Emily dragged them back out to the living room. The living room was empty now but Amanda spotted her father in the kitchen getting another beer out of the fridge. He looked sad when he saw her and it made Amanda hate him even more. He was such a weak man. Such a coward. She was ashamed to call him her father and she decided then and there that she wouldn't ever again. He would just be Michael from now on. She didn't have a father any longer.

The next second she found herself being thrown out the door and she landed hard on the cracked stone path outside. Emily pushed Kim out after her but she managed to remain on her feet.

"You want to flaunt yourself? Walk the streets? Well go ahead. Get out of here. I don't want to see you. You disgust me," Emily said and then slammed the door shut so hard it almost finally fell out of its hinges. Amanda and Kim were left outside completely naked. Amanda managed to get up on her feet with a little help from her sister. Her shoulder hurt so badly and she'd scraped her knees and palms a little as she landed on the hard surface. But that was nothing, the pain in her shoulder she couldn't really ignore though. Amanda looked up and down the street hoping no one was watching them. She wasn't sure what to do and just held her still crying sister tight.

"It will be okay Kim," she said and stroke her hair. "Don't worry. We're okay right?" She gave her sister a smile and helped her wipe away some of her tears. Amanda wasn't sure what to do though. She knew trying to get back inside wasn't an option, it would just bring more pain if they were caught. Most of all she wanted to go to her grandmother's house but there was no way to get there without being spotted by someone. And she didn't want anyone to see them like this. Not that she minded being naked or cared what others thought of them but last week she'd learnt something. It was when that strict lady was coming over. Her mother had warned her to tell the lady anything stupid cause then she would lose her sister. The lady would take them from their home and separate them. Amanda would never see her sister again. Staying would mean putting up with her mother's temperament and the fists and kicks and everything. But if the alternative was losing her sister than the choice was easy. Nothing would come between her and her sister. Ever.

---

The last girl had finished on stage and she was asked to leave. That left eight girls, all waiting impatiently to know if they had a job or not. Jim and Trina went over to the bar for a while and meanwhile Tefani came around with some water bottles for anyone who wanted one. Amanda accepted one with a smile and got a wink from Tefani. "You did good," she mouthed and Amanda was very grateful for that as it did calm her a bit.

Jim came back over to them and he called out two girl's names, Shay wasn't one of them. He told them to work a little at their dance, not over do it so much, and then asked them to come back for another audition if they wanted to. That left six girls left and Amanda couldn't believe she was almost in.

"I want to ask the rest of you to come back for a trial period okay? Come in next week and we'll see how things go. If you go over to the lovely Trina at the bar she will book you in and we'll take it from there okay?" The girls all nodded and rushed a little to get over to the bar. Amanda was left a little stunned and got left behind.

"Shay," Jim said as Amanda finally started to walk over to the rest.
"Yes sir?" she asked quickly and Jim smiled.
"Jim," he said and touched her cheek just slightly.
"I don't know what it is about you... but I like what I see. You have a bit of sadness over you. Are you feeling okay?" he asked and sounded sincerely concerned.
"I'm sorry si... Jim, I was just very nervous, I have to admit I haven't been doing this for long."
"We all have to start somewhere. And you were fine up there. A lot of men will like that mystique you'll find out. But you will be able to undress a little though right?" he asked and she nodded convincingly.
"Good," he smiled, "I have a feeling you can become one of my best." She was truly surprised by this flattery but tried not to show it, she did thank him though, figured it wouldn't hurt to show appreciation.
"And..." he said and reached backwards to grab something from the table. He turned back with her CD case in his hand. He held it up and gestured a little with it.
"Keep this song, work out a routine. This song fits you very well," he said and handed it to her.

When she grabbed the case she noticed something on his wrist. He had a cross tattooed right over his veins. She felt a chill inside as she remembered why she was here and that the man in front of her fitted her profile of the Mayhem choker rather well. She swallowed hard but then hurried to give him a smile. Did him showing her special attention mean he had a preference for blonds? Trina was after all blond but she had brown eyes. Two of the other dancers had blonde hair too but Amanda hadn't been able to see what color their eyes were. Perhaps she was the only one who fitted the choker's victims and he had already targeted her?

She'd looked Jim up in the records since Cassie had already given her his full name. He had only minor charges on his record, non sexual, along with a lot of unpaid parking tickets. Amanda felt a sting of fear in her gut but honestly also felt excitement. This was why she was here, she was baiting herself for the murderer and she had to play her part well from here on. She would blow his socks off. She would be the best and baddest stripper he'd ever laid eyes on she decided. She would change outfit and go back into the station but then she would go home and practice her routine. She would work her shift at SVU Saturday but she had to get off that night so she could work her first shift at the club.

Jim wanted her back on his busiest day of the week, didn't want to waste any time getting her up there. He wanted to flaunt her for the rest of the world as he put it. If only her mother could see her now. The thought actually made Amanda smile. All those years of abuse and here she was still standing. Her mother hadn't been able to beat her down, keep her from succeeding in everything she took on. And she would succeed in catching, or at least exposing the Mayhem choker. She would do whatever it took even if it would kill her. She had nothing to go back to anyway.

---

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

---

He was feeling a bit down but he knew the memento of it all by now. He knew these feelings would come. Sometimes it was just a case of a minute long sense of guilt that he was able to swallow with a short, silent prayer but at times it would take a visit or two at an actual church when his own house of prayer wasn't sufficient enough. Perhaps he would even visit the confession both. He would bring up his sister then, the angels were after all an extension of her. It had all started with his sister. And in the confession he would pray for salvation for having to punish her for her past sins. He would ask for understanding for being a bit too harsh on her and he asked for forgiveness since in the end all he wanted for her was peace and happiness. Usually it would result in a couple of Hail Marys and he leave with God's blessing to keep up his good work. He already knew this though of course but it still felt good to hear now that his mother couldn't tell him this.

He picked up a frame from his home made alter and took a closer look at his then sixteen year old sister. Happier times he thought to himself and felt a bit of melancholy in his heart.

"Sleeping with the angels," he whispered as he let his finger trace the outline of his sister. She had been so precious. Perhaps not the best big sister but she'd been beautiful and he'd made sure she stayed beautiful. The real problems had started right after this photo was taken. She had been raped. That time had been confusing for him. He didn't fully grasp what was going on, he was just too young to get it. He remembered his sister crying a lot and his mother praying more than usual. His father had been gone for a year or two. He blamed him at times. He knew his sister had missed him, that she had a bit of a father complex and it was probably a father she seeked in those boys she swoon around. And all that hair flipping and giggling and making a spectacle of herself. Their mother had warned her, it would get you in trouble girl, she'd told her. But had she listen? Of course not.

And then she went and got herself raped and of course no one believed that it was actually what happen. The boy claimed it was consensual and of course everyone believed him and not his sister. She was after all from the wrong side of the tracks and she had clearly been putting herself out there for more than one boy. And it was revealed she hadn't been a virgin. That was when his mother had lost it for real. It had devastated her and she'd stayed in bed for days. His sister had brought so much shame to her family and it didn't stop there. It got worse. If she hadn't put herself out there before she was certainly doing so from now on. She started doing drugs and she didn't come back home for days. She dropped out of school and rumors were floating around she was hooking herself out. He heard she'd been seen around the gas station, flirting with truck drivers and taking off with them. He took his bike there, saw it with his own eyes and he knew he had to do something. He had to stop it. He tried reaching her with prayers and asking her to come back home or at least come to church. She'd laughed in his face. "Me? In church? You really are bonkers aren't you lil' bro."

She just wouldn't listen. If only he had been older then, able to do what he did now. Perhaps then he could have saved her before she was too far gone. His mother was suffering. Their father wanted nothing to do with them, too busy with his new family and too embarrassed by his old one to even recognize them. It was up to him now. He was after all touched by God. He would be able to do wonders wasn't he? His mother had said so his entire life. He was special and now he would prove it. He would cleanse her he thought. He would purge his sister from sin. He would bring her back to God their almighty. And what better way to do so then to bring her back to where it had all begun, to the holy water. Maybe another baptizing would open her eyes and ask for repentance.

He caught her stepping down from another truck. He hated trucks and truckers. They could all go to hell for all he cared. Many years later he would find it so very amusing when he read about an I-90 killer who they suspected was a trucker. That had actually made him leave his angels more open, easier to find, in more shallow graves. He liked the idea of truckers being questioning and brought in to the police stations. They all deserved what was coming to them. Every time he read about an accident involving a truck he knew it was God's way of cleansing out this world. Get rid of the vermin that walked this earth amongst us.

His sister had spotted him as he hollered to her from across the street. He'd been hiding in the bushes for a very long time. It had gotten late and very dark. But the darkness only made him feel safe, he could hide in the darkness. At first she didn't even want to talk to him, she lit a cigarette and tried to ignore him. But his begging had got to her finally and she'd walked across to him.

"What you want you little pest? Did mama send you?" He'd shook his head.
"I need your help. I ran my bike down into the river. Mama is going to punish me so bad. You know how she gets. Please you gotta help me sis," he pleaded and figured he'd come up with the best plan. He would get her to help him find his bike in the water. Of course it was nowhere near the water but it was a way to get her there. He would baptize him and she would be enlightened. It was that simple. Getting her to help her would be the hardest part he knew that but he kept begging. He even cried a little and was impressed at how easily it came to him. You have to help me find my bike or mom will punish me so bad. It had taken a while but then she'd agreed. While in knee high water she'd moaned and asked how stupid he must have been for driven his bike down into the water.

"I can't see it. Maybe it washed away already," she said.
"No it's here, just a little further out," he said standing right next to her. She said she didn't want to get her skirt wet but then when it got a little wet she just laughed a little and for a moment he felt as though they were back to how things have been when they were kids. Carefree and embraced by God. Everything had been so much better then.

He'd shoved her suddenly. Made her lose footing and she just barely managed to keep her head above water.
"What the hell," she'd shouted and he tried to silence her by letting her know his plan. When he had rambled on for minutes she just looked like him with weird eyes.
"Are you nuts? You truly are as crazy as mom aren't you?" she said and just shook her head at him. She rolled her eyes and started to walk out of the water.

"No," he yelled and grabbed her by the hair to get her back down into the water. She still hadn't been under. She still hadn't felt the power of God's christening. He found strength from somewhere, from God most probably, and he dragged her out a little to deeper water. She kept trying to pull out of his grip but then she stumbled and she was underneath. He watched her arms flopping around a little as she tried to find her footing and then she got up spitting out water. She cleared her face from water and pulled back her hair a little. He smiled. She looked funny. Her make-up was running, she could need another dip but it looked as she was getting cleaner. But then he'd seen her eyes and she'd looked furious.

"Crazy," she screamed and then she'd tried to smack him in the face but he'd seen it coming and hindered her. He couldn't understand why she didn't get that he was just trying to save her. To save their family from the shame and the threat of hell. He got angry. He had enough. He would have to open her eyes for her. He'd grabbed her around the neck, forced her back down. There had been a struggle. She'd tried to hit him, to scratch him but it seemed he was invincible. Her tries were futile, he was protected by God. He managed to get her back underneath the surface every time she managed to pop back up. She would soon be clean he thought as he fought to hold her under.

He squeezed his hands a little harder and even in the dark and with the water between them he could see straight down into her blue eyes. They started to shimmer and soon they started to glow. He found it so amazing. So beautiful. Her eyes became blue streams of light and they shinned straight up at him. And then she'd stopped fighting him. She'd finally given in, she'd let him cleanse her. She was free. She was beautiful and her eyes stayed open as he let her go. It was just a bit sad she had to die to become free. But she was with the angels now. And he was giving her more angels to be with as the years went on. He knew his sister was up there greeting them and taking good care of them.

"You all sleep with the angels," he whispered and then put the frame back on the altar. It was time for him to go out and look at his new angel. He had another angel that needed him right now and he couldn't wait for the time when he could finally get his hands on her. To save her too.

---

Since she was working that same weekend it didn't give Amanda much time to prepare but she wanted this so badly she would be ready. She'd been able to meet up with Cassie again and told her what she was up to. Cassie had been a bit stunned and even tried to talk her out of it. She didn't want to see Amanda get hurt. It was enough she might have killed one sister but to kill the other one too. Amanda had reassured her she knew what she was doing though. Cassie hadn't been back to the club since she was attacked in the alley but she said she missed most of the girls. Cassie was tremendous help to Amanda. She gave her the name of everyone who worked at or around the club and the name of some of the steady customers that were a little on the creepy side. Amanda tried to get the name of some of the regular customers instead since she figured the Mayhem choker would blend in. She figured he was more the lurking in the corner type of guy if he was even inside the club at all. If he was religious, as Amanda thought was a high probability with his almost ritual torture methods, he probably saw strip clubs as sinful and wouldn't place his foot inside of them. She knew she had to be ready for anything though and she took everything in that Cassie told her.

She asked Cassie to tell her a little more about the boss Jim. Cassie said he was a good boss. Sure he could grab your ass, want you to sit in his lap when he talked serious with you but he would never take it further. Amanda had seen the cross though and she wasn't ready to rule him out as a brutal slayer of women just yet. Only thing was that he'd lived in New York his entire life so she wasn't sure how he fitted in with the killings in North and South Dakota that she'd found. But there could be more than one killer, Amanda just had a hard time believing it since the killings had several similarities.

Cassie would also be very useful for Amanda when it came to the actual stripping. She helped her out with new routines and gave her both compliments and constructive critic what she could do better. Cassie had a knack for finding Amanda's strengths as a dancer and worked on what she was good at. Cassie would spend a few nights at Amanda's place over the next few weeks as she said she felt safe there and they developed some kind of friendship. Unfortunately Amanda wasn't at a stage where she could nurture a new friendship, the only thing she could focus on was finding the killer and bring him down.

Again Amanda felt very nervous that Saturday as she walked up to the club. Tonight many eyes would watch her and she would have to undress in front of them all. And she'd get money pushed down God knows where. She was a bit apprehensive about how she'd be able to just take it. Have men invade her private sphere. She tried to push the thoughts out of her head, she just had to do it.

Jim wanted her to work the night shift but still wanted her to come in rather early to get the feel of the club. This meant she needed to come up with an excuse to get away from work. She told Fin she wasn't feeling all that well. She felt bad when she saw the concern on his face. He asked her what was up and she said she felt a bit feverish. Nothing that a good night's sleep wouldn't cure. He'd pushed to take her home, get her some soup and make sure she got to bed. She had to be a bit harsh to get him to back off and she felt bad again about it but it couldn't be helped. She'd brought everything she needed with her in the car this morning. Trina had said they had clothes for her to borrow to begin with but she still needed to change out of her work clothes since she feared they screamed a little too much 'cop'. She brought her shoes, make-up and music as she'd also been told.

When she got to the club that first proper working day it was already pumping. She ran into some hassle right inside the door since apparently dancers weren't supposed to use that entrance. She made sure he knew she was sorry for the mistake and she thought he got it since he smiled and said 'no problem'. He was too young to fit the profile for the Mayhem choker but she couldn't rule out anyone at this point.

She'd been to strip clubs before but then in her capacity as a cop and not really when the club was in full bloom so to speak. She spotted two girls working the main stage and Amanda gulped a little as she realized she too would soon be up there. She didn't see Scott behind the bar but a bit of a younger guy with a whole lot of more hair. She did see Trina though and aimed for her. A guy sitting at the bar checked her out and she felt her eyes shy down a little. How would she ever be able to do this she thought to herself?

"Shay," Trina smiled as she saw her coming. The two hugged after Trina had initialized it.
"Feeling okay?" she asked and rubbed Amanda's arm a little. Amanda nodded with a smile.
"Okay then let's get you acclimatized. That's Marc," Trina said as the bartender approached. Amanda gave him a nod and a smile and he rewarded her one back.
"He works mostly days but jumps in later if we need him. Scott runs the bar, you'll see him later. And then there's Garreth. Okay let's have a look around shall we," Trina said and turned outwards.

"I saw you came in through the main entrance, I'll make sure someone shows you the side entrance so you don't have to endure the hungry eyes right off the bat. Or the pat down at the door, although we do have some yummy looking bouncers," Trina smiled and put her elbow a little in Amanda's side. She then went ahead and pointed to the main stage where there supposedly always was a show running. Shows came a bit sparser during the daytime and then there might be a minor act up on the little stage and Trina pointed over her shoulder. The little stage was just a circle with a pole in the middle and it was located right by the bar. Trina went ahead and pointed across the room and told her that was for lap dances. There was no problem if she did a little of that out in the main area but if she wanted the full 20 she should bring the guy in there. Amanda asked if that was a fixed rate and Trina told her yes.

"And that money along with any tip you make either on stage or working the room is all yours sweetie. Songs are around 3 to 4 minutes and it's a no touch policy. That means you can touch them but they can't touch you. There's always a bouncer or another girl in there keeping an eye out so you don't have to worry. I'll take you through the routine for the champagne room when that day comes okay but the stairs are over there," Trina pointed to a draped door in the corner beside the room for lap dances. Amanda had very little knowledge of what went on in a champagne room and right now she hoped she wouldn't have to learn.

"You will not be using that stair though. That's where the waitress takes the clients up. We call them clients or customers by the way. Come with me," Trina said and started to walk towards the back. She showed her the small kitchen area and then they headed to the changing rooms. She assigned Amanda, or Shay rather, a locker and told her to bring a lock for next time. The girls could mostly be trusted but Trina said there were always bad seeds around so keep a little on guard with your belongings. She offered to take Amanda's valuables for the night but Amanda let her know she had non to speak off anyway. Her shoes were the most expensive item and she would be wearing them so.

"Ah Sierra just the girl I was hoping we'd run into," Trina said as a girl walked in. Amanda recognized the name. Cassie had put her on the good list. Someone Amanda should stick to. Sierra was gorgeous. She was barefoot at the time but it looked as though she was almost walking on her toes anyway. And she had super long and super trimmed legs. Her skin was dark with a lovely gold tint to it which probably was make-up. She wore very short shorts in black leather and on top a studded bra in the same material as her shorts. She had a black snake tattoo around one of her arms which almost disappeared into her dark skin. Her black hair was straighten and slicked back. She wore heavy make-up in black and some metallic tone. She was very beautiful even in the somewhat scary outfit.

"Shay meet Sierra, Sierra meet Shay one of our new girls," Trina said and gestured between the two.
"Nice to meet you," Amanda smiled and extended her hand. Sierra went right through the hand though and hugged Amanda.
"Welcome Shay, I hope you'll like it here," she said as she let her go.
"So I was hoping you could show Shay around back here?" Trina said and Sierra nodded immediately.
"I've shown her the front and let her know some of the routines but just run them by her again. It's hard to take in everything at first so it doesn't hurt to hear them twice to up the chances they'll stick. Oh and she'll need an outfit or two for tonight. Jim wants her on stage once he gets here, it will be in about an hour I'd think." Amanda got a little nervous again knowing Jim would be there to judge her very first appearance.

"I'll leave you in the best hands Shay. Sierra should really be a designer or a personal shopper or something, she puts together the best outfits and she sees just what color that fits you. She got me out of pinks and in to greens believe it or not," Trina smiled and grabbed a hold of her own tiny skirt that was indeed green.
"Oh keep it coming. A girl can never get enough flattery," Sierra sang and Trina chuckled as she left them.

"You wanna put your bag down. Did Trina give you a locker?" Sierra asked. Amanda had been carrying her bag over her shoulder the entire time and it would feel nice to put it down. Amanda pointed to the locker Trina had assigned her and Sierra made it hers by getting a role of masking tape of the top of the lockers and put a piece of it on the locker. She'd found a pen as well and spelled her name with large letters.

"Is that right?" Sierra asked and Amanda said yes as she saw the letter Y. Yes that was her name now.
"Well here's your locker Shay," Sierra said and held the door open. Amanda shoved her bag in there with a smile and then she got the backstage tour. There were at least ten girls in the changing room. Sierra introduced her to everyone and Amanda found it almost funny that Cassie had been so on spot. Fantasia was clearly a bitch and almost didn't even look at Amanda. Raven and Quendra hugged her just like Sierra had. And while most seemed friendly some did obviously not like the competition.

Amanda quickly learnt that the girls shared desks and mirrors and she also learnt which ones she was welcomed at. Amanda tried hard to focus on the face of the girl in front of her that was talking to her and not on the tassels on her nipples. All these girls seemed so comfortable in their skin, they walked around in barely anything but then could have the most lavish feather arrangement on their head. It was just such a weird environment and Amanda couldn't even compare it with the girl's locker room in school.

Sierra showed her the way to the champagne room, the dancers always took this way up and let the customers take the red stair as they called it. Sierra added that it would probably be weeks until they let her up here though. They took the way through wardrobe and Sierra told her she could use anything in here but that Jim would probably get her some of her own stuff when she became a regular. He liked to dress his dolls apparently. Sierra showed her some garments and asked what she liked. Amanda really had no idea and since everything looked rather inappropriate it was hard for her to say anything. She tried to think like Shay, what would Shay like? In the end Sierra picked out two outfits for her and had ruled that Amanda's skin tone let her wear almost anything color wise. Sierra was quite surprised because usually such light complexions didn't work with everything but for some reason Amanda did.

"So you change in here, and do your make-up if you haven't already," Sierra said as they passed the changing room again and then they headed down a passage that was rather steep.

"Keep right at all times, and be a bit careful in heels," Sierra smiled. Amanda could see the stage as they got further down. There were a few steps to get up to the stage. A string curtain was sorta like the gate out onto the actual stage. Amanda peeked through the strings from below the stairs and could see the girl on the stage dancing around one of the poles. The lights were bright and it was hard to see anything beyond the stage. There was probably a different view from the stage though than from back here.

Sierra let her know that busy days and at nights they had an announcer. The schedule for the stage was posted right by the stage and the full schedule, the one with who was working the main room as well as the small stage, was hanging in the changing room. You gave the announcer your music for the night when you got there and if there were none you had to work your own music and Sierra showed her how that worked.

"You know what you're doing tonight?" Sierra asked.
"Well I have my music but I don't know when I'm on," Amanda told her.
"We'll check with Trina" she's usually in charge of the schedule and if she's not here its Lola or Ann Beth. And check the schedule, Trina hates tardiness, so does Jim." Sierra said that was about it and then brought Amanda backstage again so they could go through some minor tricks and treats as Sierra called it. Trina walked by and Sierra asked her when Shay was going up. Trina gave her two different times when she'd be on stage, and that they would take it from there.

"Okay let's get you dressed so I can show you how to get undressed, I've worn this corset, it's a bit tricky," Sierra said and held up the corset to check something on it. Amanda couldn't remember a time when she'd undressed and dressed so close, and so openly, in front of… well anyone really. Sure as a kid with Kim, they'd been inseparable even in the bathroom, to sometimes Amanda's disapproval. But Sierra was so casual about it and didn't seem bothered at all. She might have picked up on some vibes from Amanda though as she asked if she was nervous. Amanda tried to act a little more confident than she felt but still admitted she was afraid to screw up and that she just really needed this job.

"You're going to be fine I'm sure. Just dance your tight, little ass off and don't forget to have fun. And always keep your panties on," Sierra said.
"But the rest goes?" Amanda asked carefully. Sierra gave her a quick look before she went back to straightening her skirt out after having pulled it around a little.

"They like to see titties, men who visits these places tend to do. Some breastfeeding issue when they were kids I guess. And the more you show the higher the tip, in regular any way. But if you feel uncomfortable just do it at the very end of the song, as the grande finale sorta and then you can cover yourself up as soon as the lights go out. It usually shows if you're comfortable or not up there so just pretend you're someone else for a while. I pretend to be Billie Holiday sometimes."

"Billie Holiday?" Amanda asked curiously.
"Yes. She was fierce on stage. Came from scrap but she was unique and special. She's my spirit animal. But I tell you drugs won't drag me under." Amanda was glad to hear that but it didn't take long until Sierra offered her some to relax a little. And it was quite obvious it was drugs she was talking about. Amanda said she was trying to stay clean of that nowadays. Sierra shot her a suspicious look, probably thought 'good luck with that' but then said okay and asked her if she wanted some liquid courage instead. Amanda took her up on that. She needed something to help with her nerves.

Sierra was going on stage right before Amanda and the two went down the passage together. Sierra gave her some last minutes tips. Smile and make eye contact was most important apparently, that would make you the most money always. Amanda feared the eye contact part and she feared she wouldn't be able to smile. Sierra also told her to check the men out and to choose her targets for later. The one who looks at you the most, those are the one to target later on for paid conversation or lap dances. That worked to Amanda's favor seeing how she was here to lure out the Mayhem choker. She was searching for a man that liked women just like her.

Amanda watched Sierra on stage from below the stairs. She was awesome. She was fierce and not only because she had a whip as attribute. Amanda took a few deep breaths and then tried to think of the reason why she was here. Thinking about her sister made her sad so she had to push Kim out of her mind for a while. Focus on the killer. This was a means to an end. She had to do this and she had to succeed doing it. Failure wasn't an option. She felt herself go in combat mode like she had before a softball game or gearing up for a bust. She would do this. She was getting so pumped she almost didn't notice Sierra's music fading out. Amanda watched as Sierra made her way down from the stage and around the stage to collect her tips from the men who weren't drooling right by the stage.

Amanda had left her CD with the announcer earlier. She'd asked what name she wanted to be introduced by and since Amanda hadn't thought about it she answered 'just Shay'. And that's what she got a few seconds later. She got the sign it was time to go up, a green light flashed below the stairs. She felt wobbly as she made it up the steps and she cursed herself for being such a chicken shit. It usually helped when she scolded herself and she could only hope it would work this time too.

"Making her debut here at the Bare Assets stage tonight please help me welcome... just Shay," the announcer said and Amanda walked out along with some smoke that somehow appeared from the entrance. The music hadn't started yet but she got a rather loud welcome by the audience, hopefully they wouldn't boo in a minute or two. There were only two spotlights on her to start with and she had no problem seeing the crowd. Unfortunately. Boy there were a lot of eyes on her right now but then she spotted Sierra out there. She saw her draw a smile with her fingers in front of her own face and it had the aimed effect seeing how Amanda instantly got a smile on her face. Without Sierra she wasn't sure she could have done this and she was really grateful to her.

The music started and she started moving a little. She got a few whistles at her very first dip and she caught on early what the crowd enjoyed. She hadn't seen him but figured Jim must be out there somewhere watching, he'd requested she did Cherry Pie again and she was after all there for a trial period. She remembered what Tefani had said; tease. So she tried that. She didn't dare to approach any of the men but she knew how to tease from a far and with Cassie's pointers in mind she used the skills she had. She had a fit and muscular body and she could move. It worked to her favor. She couldn't really focus on everything though so she just reminded herself of two things; smile and tease. She would pick her targets and find her Mayhem choker a little later.

And it wasn't so bad. Maybe. She managed to leave the nerves behind and she tried to appreciate the attention she got. She tried to focus on that she had the power at this very moment but the fact she was just a piece of ass undressing in front of hungry eyes kept creeping in inside her mind. She didn't approve of this behavior. It was so not okay for a guy she saw down by the stage that touched his crotch as he stuck his tongue out and yelled something to her that she was grateful she couldn't pick up over the music. She focused on smiling and tried to hold her head up as her inside screamed that this was so wrong on so many levels. She made it through by thinking she would catch a vicious killer in the end, this was the way to put an end to the Mayhem choker even if it right now was just a stage at a strip club in Queens.

She'd somehow made it through that stage debut and left it in just her g-string and her corset hanging from her shoulders exposing her breasts. She felt a little out of breath and very relieved as she heard the applause and the whistles. She hooked up her corset just a little as she took her exit but she sneaked back backstage instead of 'making her round', as Sierra had put it. The round you made around the stage to get more tips. She just couldn't bare that right now as she already felt very exposed. She feared she would break if she did that right now and got groped or something like Sierra had warned that the customers could do.

One of the nicer girls caught her coming back to the dressing room and asked her kindly how it went. Amanda just smiled and said okay but that she had a lot to learn from the rest of them. She knew it was better to stay humble and blend in now in the beginning. Better to get liked than get enemies that might hinder her from what she was here to do.

She realized fleeing might not have been the best idea since it didn't take long until Trina came backstage and was concerned about her. Amanda apologized and just said she'd been on such a rush she forgot to walk around the stage. It seemed to be a sufficient answer since Trina smiled and gave her another hug. At that same time Jim walked in. When he approached her she could see on his entire face he'd liked what he'd seen on stage.
"I knew you had potential," he said and hugged her tight. She felt his hand go down her back and grab a hold of her ass right before he let her go.

"I could see you worked on your routine, good girl. This will be your catch song. Always good to be known for a certain number and this one's yours. What you doing next?" he asked as he caressed her cheek with one of his hands. His other hand rested on her hip.

She was prepared. She'd googled last night, found some useful sites and then used her iPhone to listen to the songs. She found many of them sounded just like the music her partner listen to but she just found those songs so hard to dance to. She couldn't find any steady rhythm to them. She did find some other tunes though and now she told Jim which songs she was choosing from and that she would really appreciate his input. Cassie had told her he liked to get involved and help out. Jim seemed to think about the song choices and then told her which one he would choose and of course she said she'd go with that one.

"I'm proud of you," he said before he let her go and of course he added a slap on her ass before he left.

She redressed for her second number, bit down doing it and this time made her round around the room. It was as hideous as she'd imagined it would be. There was just something so demeaning having that many men stroke their fingers against your skin as they pushed a dollar down your panties. She didn't get how women could make a living like this and it hurt to know many women felt forced to do this.

Once she was done Trina told her to jump into a short skirt and a bra and then work the floor for a bit. That apparently meant trying to get men to buy lap dances for her or to sit down at their table for paid conversation. If they weren't willing to pay for her company though she had to keep moving. She found this harder than being on stage but just a tad bit easier than 'making your round' since at least she felt just a little bit more covered up this time around. There were just no boundaries though. She felt like a piece of meat that everyone seemed to think they could cop a field off. And her feet were hurting like crazy prancing around in the high heels. She'd hoped she could stay out of the lap dance area but soon she was approached instead of the other way around and he asked her if she could give him one. Walking in to that area was almost more nerve wrecking than getting up on that stage for the first time. It was just much more personal and she had no idea what to do. She quickly picked up what the rest of the girls were doing and hoped she didn't disappoint the customer. He tipped though even after having paid for the lap dance in advance so she figured she'd at least done something right.

She passed the bar a little later and heard someone call out for Shay. She spotted Scott behind the bar and stepped over to him. He handed her a dripping cold water bottle with a smile.

"Told you you would be good," he smiled, "I think I'll need that ice more than you do." She gave him a cheeky smile and added a thank you for good manners before she kept working.

As they were closing the club down the girl's changing area got a little like a frat party. Girls were giggling and talking. There was some alcohol going around but mostly just water bottles. The bouncers got in there too once they'd closed up and it didn't hinder the girls from prancing around in just their underwear. And the bouncers didn't seem to mind having one or two girls in their laps either. Amanda kept a low profile, took it all in with her eyes and listen in on everything going on. Jim had already talked to her privately and told her he would love to have her there on a regular basis and that she should sit down with Trina and make a schedule for the rest of the month. Amanda felt great hearing this even though she thought it was a very short trial period and he also wondered how she would be able to pull it off while working SVU at the same time. Apparently they were closed on Mondays so at least she had one day she didn't have to worry about.

It was apparently important to not walk out alone and Amanda couldn't help but wonder if it had anything to do with Cassie's assault but Cassie did say she had not told anyone but Bobby about it. But Trina had told her first that it was important to walk out at least two and two, and to never get in a car outside the club, not even a cab. If she needed a lift she should tell Trina or Jim and they would fix a car for her. Sierra brought it up as well as the night was coming to an end. She said customers often lurked outside so she should get herself some pepper spray or something if she hadn't already.

Sierra fixed so one of the bouncers, Mike, drove four of them home. This was really sweet of her but it also put Amanda in some trouble seeing how she had her car parked a few blocks away and she couldn't really tell them where she lived. She gave them an address a few blocks from her real one and told them she was staying at a friend's couch for now. Seemed the rest of the girls lived in Bronx so they would drop off Amanda first. Mike actually drove past Amanda's car. Once Amanda had waved her bye, saw them drive off she stayed put for a while to make sure no one had followed them from the club.

She started thinking on everything she'd seen and experienced tonight. She'd really met some awesome people tonight and it had gone better than expected even if some parts of the job was less thrilling. She was still left with a worried gut feeling though. Had she really thought this through properly? How would she be able to pull this off?

The street was completely silent and no cars were in sight so she started walking up the street hoping to find a cab that could take her back to her car. She had loads of cash in her pocket.

With the cash she'd made tonight she could easily see how girls got hooked quickly. You got money rather easily, at least quickly and at first glance it was all very glamorous. Amanda knew she could've easily been one of those girls she met tonight. Not that she knew where every single one of them came from and she knew better than to put them all in one category but had Amanda not got a scholarship to college and been able to earn a degree things would've looked that much different today.

She came from scraps really. None of her parents went to college, her dad didn't even finish high school. Whenever he could hold down a job for more than a week he would spend his paycheck on booze and gambling faster than he could spell those two words. Her mother worked crappy jobs to support the entire family. They had no money for their kids' education, they could barely feed them at times. Amanda knew that scholarship was her way out and that she just as likely could have ended up like Cassie, or Kim.

Amanda finally found a cab and guided him to the block where she'd parked. She paid the driver in mostly ones and then swopped cars. It was almost 4 am so she figured she'd drive in to work instead of home. She could shower there and hopefully get some shut eye before shift.

She tried to stay focus at work the following days but often she found herself spacing out as she was thinking of things that went on at the club and who could be potential suspects. She collected as many names as she could whenever she worked and looked them up in the police files as soon as possible. Of course she hid her tracks though, there were ways around getting your name in their logs if you were savvy enough. She traced the bouncer through his license plate and found his record with some interesting previous arrests.

Scott had just a few minor charges while the other bartender, Garreth, apparently had spent some time in jail. She found some of the girls in the records too, Sierra's was the most upsetting to find. She had recent arrests for assaults, drug charges and one for prostitution when she was only 15 years old. She was charged as a minor and the records were sealed so Amanda stayed away from them to not raise any red flags in the system. Amanda realized she had to focus on the suspects and not get involved with the girl's lives. She wasn't there to make any long-term friends.

Every chance she got she danced. She managed to catch another pole dancing class and this time dared to try out some of the stunts she'd seen the other girls do. She managed to almost land on her head a few times and realized it was harder than it looked. Maybe Sierra would work with her if she asked?

She worked at the club as much as she was able to which was basically whenever she didn't have a shift at SVU. Day time it looked a little bit different. There were fewer customers but you could always count on customers to be around. During days you mostly did a 3 song arc, which meant you got to keep your clothes on for the first, start to take some off during the second one and then dance the third one mostly topless. She got used to the exposure faster than she'd thought she would and she was constantly scanning the crowd and started to remember familiar faces. She took notes, drew sketches of them and started her own register of customers.

She'd always been a fast learner and stripping was no exception. She learnt that leather and wood heels put a lot of stress on your knees and back and soon bought herself a pair of plastic one-piece instead. And they had the minimum heel which was 3 inches. She learnt the hard way that a no-slip rubber pad on the bottom of the shoe was a good idea and so was also body make-up. Pole and floor dancing did cause a lot of leg bruising even when done properly.

She learnt all hair from the neck down was best to get rid of. And the sad truth was that the slimmer you were the more money you made. This wasn't a problem since eating wasn't a high priority in the busy routine she held, neither was sleeping. Many of the girls did yoga and weight training to get, what the girls called, the ideal look that men like. Amanda tried to squeeze in a few yoga classes with Sierra and some of the other girls that she started to really befriend.

Jim told her to visit Mona at a beauty salon near the club. He told her to get her nails done properly and also tell Mona, the girl in charge at the salon, to do something with Amanda's hair. She would just tell Mona that Jim sent her and he would take care of the bill. He wanted his girls to look top notch. Amanda said thank you very much and just hoped her looks wouldn't change dramatically so anyone at SVU would notice.

Liv would notice but Amanda managed to derail her. She'd noticed that all she had to do was mention her sister and people backed off a little. She knew it was bad of her to use that but it was the only way she knew how to get left alone.

Early on she started to realize she couldn't stay at her apartment. Most girls who worked at the club didn't own an apartment and since Amanda was playing someone who was in need of money it didn't make sense to have her own place either. The sleeping on the couch worked as a cover story for now but Amanda actually wanted someone to stalk her and she had to make it easier for them to do so.

She started to look for another place. It was quite easy to find rooms on Craig's list but it was time consuming and she started to think that staying at a motel was probably easier. That way she could move easily if she had to. She started to get ready to move. She sold things of, got rid of her car and closed some saving accounts. Not admitting it completely to herself but she was settling things in case she wouldn't live through this. It was like it didn't matter how it ended if only the Mayhem choker was caught in the end.

She had focused on the people that worked at the bar so far and she had a few suspects among them. Jim the owner was among them, so was three of the bouncers - Justin, Chris and Mike. Almost two weeks in she'd still not met the co-owner Gordon but kept him on the list since he seemed to be a major player with multiple shady businesses. The bartender Garreth had to be on the list too even though he was too young for Amanda's profile of the killer. And she had the bartender Scott on her list too.

He was probably the easiest one for her to get close to cause he did pay her a lot of attention. She caught him looking at her often and he seemed to come sit close by her whenever they had a bit of a party backstage. He did talk to her some but mostly he just gave her looks and smiles, put a hand on her thigh, asked her if she wanted a drink or something.

Even though she thought of herself as a good cop with good instincts she'd never been good with guys and picking up their signals. She knew she had some intimacy issues. And the whole relationship business and being exclusive to one person and having to open up to them completely freaked her out a little. But she didn't dwell on it or think she needed to talk to someone about it. She knew it probably had to do something with not having good role models growing up but whatever, she'd moved on. It wasn't like she felt the need to be in a relationship any way.

She had some, well relations, back in Atlanta. A boyfriend in college for a couple of months and then she dated a guy while in the police academy. When he'd suddenly brought out an engagement ring at dinner one night though she'd been clueless. She'd totally missed that he'd been planning their future for a couple of months already while she'd just enjoyed good sex and the only thing she planned was becoming a cop and then aim for detective. Let's just say that relationship had ended a few days after she'd turn his proposal down.

After that she'd been even more on guard cause she did hate hurting people. Sometimes she hurt them unconsciously, it just seemed to happen when she let her lip run a little freely or whenever she felt threaten which seemed to happen quite often actually.

So since solid relationships weren't for her a girl had to get her some other ways. And being a cop, especially a SVU detective and knowing what could happen, wasn't really helpful in that department. But she did have one night stands. She made sure she didn't get too drunk but the guy could be a little more so since that meant she could probably fend them off if she would have to. She picked the place, rarely going to his place if she didn't feel she could trust him completely which of course wasn't the case most times. So her place then even if that meant letting them into her personal space. If they lingered too long the next day though she made sure they knew she wasn't interested in more than sex.

She did feel drawn to Scott. He was charming, had a bit of a bad boy attitude and he was very good looking. And since Cassie had told her he was the biggest source for information in that club Amanda figured it would be good to stay close to him. Problem was how to stay close but not get too close. Just two weeks after she'd met him outside the club that day, when he told her she should audition, he asked her if she wanted to grab a drink somewhere afterwards. It was a week day and that rarely meant after parties backstage. She felt a bit apprehensive about being alone with him but she felt as though she couldn't turn the opportunity down to get to know him better.

He told her to come out to the bar to meet him once she'd changed after her last routine. It felt a little odd to leave the club before it closed but Scott told her he'd checked with Lola, who was the floor manager tonight, and she'd cleared it. He told her Garreth said he'd cover for him behind the bar so they were dismissed from class and he gave her a wink. She said okay then and once she was off the stage and changed she walked out to meet him. They slipped past the bouncer Chris at the door and Amanda felt as though he gave her a bit of an evil eye but she wasn't sure if that had been the case or if it was her own guilty conscious that imagined it.

Scott had grabbed on to her hand once they were out on the street and then quickly flagged down a cab for them. One of the other strippers had taken a bit of tumble on the stage tonight and they laughed a little about it in the cab. Amanda had missed what location Scott had given the cab driver but they were heading towards Brooklyn.

"Where are we going?" she asked when their laughter had toned down a little.

"I know this comfy little place in Cypress Hill," he said and gave her a quick smile before he asked the driver if it was okay if he smoked. The driver let him as long as he rolled down the window. She bit her lip a little and looked out the other window. He offered her a drag of his cig and she accepted since smoking usually calmed her nerves a little. This time though it didn't do much to calm her down. They were coming up towards Forrest Park and she didn't know the area enough to know any 'comfy' places around there but it seemed unlikely to her. The cab driver took a street down from the park though and then suddenly came to a stop. Scott paid the driver as Amanda looked around a little. The street look rather vacant but she still jumped out when he told her to.

"Doesn't look like there are many comfy places around here," she tried to joke but he told her he knew the comfiest of them all. He grabbed her hand and pulled her towards a building and she started to realize this was where he actually lived. She felt like pulling back but she still just went with him. She let him lead her up two stairs and then waited behind him as he got his door open. He hadn't said a word since they left the street and neither had she. Everything in her screamed this was stupid and reckless but it was also something Shay would do. He went in a head and left the door open for her so it was up to her to enter or not. Slowly she made her way inside and found him in the living room tossing things from the couch down behind it.

"Told you it was comfy right?" he said as he noticed her, "not the tidiest but still comfy. What can I get you?"
"Whatcha got?" she asked.
"Beer and," he said as he made his way over to the small kitchen area and had a look in the refrigerator, "and more beer."
"Well I think I'll go with a beer," she said and she heard him chuckle.

"Have a seat," he shouted and she made her way over to the couch. She only found one word to describe his place - bachelor pad. The living room didn't have much more than a TV, a couch and a lounge chair. On the wall hung a few posters with names of obscure bands she'd never heard off. Amongst them hung one poster with a rabbit wearing glasses and it said 'Just too hip to hop' and it made her smile. Scott caught the smile as he came back carrying two beers and he checked what she'd looked at. He handed her the beer and plumped down beside her.

"You like the rabbit?" he asked before he took a swig. She nodded and copied him.
"He's my favorite too," Scott said and leaned back on the couch.
"How do you know it's a he?" she asked and moved up a little on the couch, placing a leg underneath her even though she still had her high heels on. Scott gave her a look as he smiled.
"You're right, too hip, must be a lady," he said.
"Oh I dunno about a lady," she smiled and tried to avoid his intense stare as it made her even more nervous.
"You're funny," he said and touched her knee but then let his hand rest there. She took another mouthful of her beer and tried to ignore his hand but when he remained silent she finally had to look his way. He was still staring at her but his face broke into a smile and she felt his fingers move down just a little.

"I like you," he said.
"Well lucky me," she said quickly. He chuckled, shook his head a little and then took a long swig of his beer. When he was done he sat up suddenly and he must have caught her shy away a little as she saw his hesitation. He then kept moving though and apparently he was just putting his beer on the table. She felt a bit stupid and drank some more beer. He reached for something underneath the table and she tried to stay calm as she saw what was on the plate he brought out. It was definitely a crack pipe along with a lighter and some substance wrapped in some plastic.

"You want some?" he asked and she swallowed hard. She didn't immediately shake her head as she knew she had to play it cool.
"I'm... well, I'm trying... to stay away from... that," she said a bit hesitant.

"You mind if I?" he asked and she shook her head even though she did mind. She tried to keep her eyes off him as he got the pipe ready and instead she leaned back with her beer and looked out the window behind her. She tried to think back to what she'd learnt about crack even though she wasn't a 100% that's what it was. She was kind of hoping he would smoke himself to sleep but from what she could recall crack, at least initially, increased energy. She really had no idea what effect it would have on him.

She heard the lighter and then it didn't take long until she smelled a strong odor of burnt plastic and something that almost smelled like urine. She tried to keep her nose from crinkling.

"So you like working at Assets?" she heard him ask and she looked back over at him. His voice had been slightly more hoarse than before he smoked. He'd lit the lighter again and took another hit. Some smoke leaked through his nose as he kept his mouth shut.
"Yeah," she said, "yeah I do. Jim's okay, and Trina. Sierra's been really good to me."
"Sierra is cool," Scott agreed, "not as pretty as you but she's cool." She tried to ignore the last thing he said. He put the pipe down on the plate on his knee and he reached for his beer.

"So how long have you worked there?" she asked to dig a little. He leaned back his head and seemed to think about it.
"Well it's been like... ages now. Guess like six years," he tilted his head and looked at her again.
"So you must like it too then?" she said and he nodded.
"It's cool."
"Sierra said you're like the one who knows everyone and everything about everyone," Amanda tried to sound like she was impressed.
"Well I don't know much about you," he said and then added; "yet," as he reached out and touched her knee again.
"Whatcha wanna know? I'm not that interesting, really," she said and took a swig of her beer. He kept staring at her for a while, she felt his fingers move around a little over her knee.

"Oh I think you're very interesting," he said and sat up, coming closer to her. His hand went up her leg a little, staying just by the hem of her skirt. She tried to remain still and anticipate his next move. She could see his eyes go down to her lips and she tried to keep from biting her lip. He started to move in even closer and she held his breath as his hand went up underneath her skirt a little. She was way too sober for this she realized and when he was about four inches from her face she smiled and turned her head and put the bottle to her lips. He kept watching her closely. She tried to prolong the drinking so he would move away but he stayed put and then she felt his other hand come up between them and his fingers landed right underneath her throat. His fingers slid one way up her collarbone and his eyes followed his fingers.

"You have amazing skin," he whispered. She brought her bottle down but wasn't sure what to say to that. He pushed her top a little up on her shoulder so he could trace her collarbone to the very end. He let his fingers play a little with her bra strap.

"Amazing skin," he repeated and let his fingers go up the other collarbone and again he pushed her top a little to the side. He leaned in and placed a kiss on her collarbone and she held her breath. His other hand squeezed her thigh a little. He traced kisses up to her shoulder and pushed her top all the way over her shoulder. His shaved head came right underneath her nose and there was this odd smell with a mix of burnt plastic and a very manly after shave. His hand went up the side of her neck and came up to the back of her head and his fingers dug into her scalp a little. She felt torn. It was like one voice told, or more screamed at, her to get out of there but the other one told her she needed to stay on his good side to help her catch Mayhem.

She didn't get much chance to think as his eyes came up to meet hers. He let her thigh go, grabbed her beer bottle and placed it on the table. His hand quickly found its way up underneath her skirt again and this time got all the way up the side of her hip. His face was just about two inches from her, so close she felt his breath, and his eyes went from hers down to her lips and then up again. He made an attempt to come closer but she might have shied back or maybe he felt her stiffness, she wasn't sure, but he stopped.

"You need something to loosen you up," he whispered. His other hand had massaged the side of her neck but now he let her go and he grabbed his pipe that was still on his lap.

"Shotgun," he suggested and she wet her lips nervously. She knew what it meant, knew what he offered and again her inside told her two different versions on how to play this. But she knew the likelihood of her getting out of this apartment without him getting what he wanted was slim, he seemed like a man who usually got what he wanted and she had after all gone with him willingly. She knew she would need something more than beer to get through this. So she gave him a slight nod and then watched him light up his pipe.

He took his time, made sure there was a lot of smoke in there and then he inhaled deeply. He leaned in and she felt his hand come around her neck so he could hold her to him. She opened up her mouth when he was less than an inch from her and with her eyes locked with his she felt the smoke fill her mouth as he exhaled. She'd held her breath so long she needed to inhale and she felt the smoke go down her pipe as she did. It burnt a little but there was this instant sense of relief. It was like her entire head felt lighter all of a sudden. She'd lost his eyes for a second but found them again and could see he was smiling at her reaction.

"Again?" he asked and this time she nodded without hesitation. He repeated the procedure and this time she inhaled the moment he exhaled. This time she didn't just feel relief but an almost euphoric sensation that felt like it lifted her entire body off the couch. He didn't pull back this time though, instead closed the small gap between them and she registered his tongue in her mouth even before she felt his lips on hers. He pinned her mouth to his with the help of his hand behind her neck and the other one quickly found its way around her waist so he could pull her closer. Her hands landed on his chest and she grabbed a hold of his tee as she felt a strange but pleasurable sensation radiate from her stomach and upwards.

She moaned into his mouth as he sucked on her tongue. His hand briefly left her ass so he could get rid of the things in his lap. Once that was done he grabbed a hold of her again and pushed her up on top of him even further. She found herself sitting on his strong, muscular thigh and it left a slightly odd but good feeling in her core. He let go off her mouth and started to work his way down her neck. He'd let go of her neck and his hand went down her back, slipped down her skirt and she gulped as she felt his fingers in-between her butt cheeks. She swallowed more air as he bit down right beside her collarbone and she felt herself trying to get even closer to him.

She lost tracks of his hands for a while as they seemed to move quickly over her entire body and all she felt was those big lips of his as they came back up to the side of her neck and then seemed to drown her entire ear. His mouth came up to attach to hers again and his tongue quickly found hers. She suddenly got track of one of his hands again as it squeezed in between his thigh and her core. His fingers worked her on the outside of her panties but soon slipped underneath the thin fabric. She sucked air from him as she felt his fingers penetrate her. But they left her just as quickly as they'd entered and she felt his arm come up around her as he grabbed a hold so he could lift her off the couch. She shut her mind off as he carried her towards the bedroom.

With a little help from the drugs she'd managed to enjoy last night's session of wild and steamy sex. He'd been just as rough and forceful as she'd imagined a guy like him being. And that was all good. Had he left her with options to opt out it would have been harder for her. Now it had just been the option of going with it and she had been able to enjoy it and even orgasm for real even though it was often hard for her to climax.

The morning after though she wasn't feeling all that hot. She woke up sparsely wrapped in twined linen with sunlight burning through her eyelids. She lifted up her hand to shield her eyes from the bright light but it didn't help to ease the pain as she managed to open her eyes. The sun was shining straight in over her since the window wasn't draped. She slumped back down with a grown not only directed at the sun but also the heinous thought that someone could have been watching them last night. She started to really come to as all the memory from last night came flooding back to her and just what whoever that might have watched had seen them do. The thought was horrible and she tried to shake it off but the shaking part went badly since it felt as pieces were scrambling inside her brain when she did that.

She still managed to twist her head around to search for the person who she expected to find next to her. Instead of a face she found feet though and she soon realized she was the one who lay upside down. She felt his arm right next to her leg and she managed to rise up a little so she could make sure he was still sleeping. She turned her head back around and searched the night stand for a clock or something. She couldn't find one and her one eye, the other one squeezed shut to give her some ease from the sun, searched the room for something that could tell her what time it was. She found what she was looking for on the wall and she would've reacted more animated if her body had allowed her to do so. There was no way she would make it in time to her shift this morning and her phone and everything was still at home so she couldn't call in. She managed to pull her body together a little but it woke Scott up and she felt his hand on her calf.

"Good morning," he mumbled after some groaning.
"Morning," she whispered as she tried to locate her clothes, suddenly feeling, and rightfully so, very naked. She found her panties partially under Scott's leg and she tried pulling them out without waking him even more. She preferred if he went back to sleep. Her top was hanging off the side of the bed and she pulled it over her head quickly as she sat up. She saw her skirt on the floor further from the bed and was about to step down as she felt him grab a hold of her ankle.

"Where you goin'?" he mumbled trying to get his eyes open without much luck.
"Well, hm, I gotta be somewhere," she tried feeling her mind blank of reliable excuses. She tried getting her panties on since she didn't want to uncover without them on. She felt him searching for her with his hand and he grabbed a hold of her arm when he did.

"Can you do me a favor?" he mumbled.
"What?" she asked.
"Can you take care of that?" he asked and she couldn't pretend she didn't see what he gestured at. With only the thin sheet covering him his morning boner was quite evident.
"I have to…" she tried but he cut her off.
"C'mon," he urged and his grip on her arm harden. He lifted the sheet a little to give her access and at that moment she felt like the smallest person in the world. He still had his eyes closed so she didn't worry about her face crumbling as she slowly reached in with her free hand.
"No," he said, "use your mouth."

Once she finally got home she found two missed calls on her work phone. Both from Fin. She didn't even have time to shower and she felt horrible to switch straight into a regular pair of jeans and a top. She checked out her arms and torso before she put on her top making sure she didn't have any bruises from last night's rough treatment. While checking herself out in the mirror she made sure to avoid her own eyes. She felt as though she might crumble if she did. She didn't have time to shower but she took the time to brush her teeth and use mouth wash.

She called Fin back as she rushed down the stairs at her flat. She apologized before he even got a chance to say hi but he told her it was no problem that she'd over slept and that she should just meet them at this crime scene they'd just picked up. Once she got there the three detectives were already there. She shot them all a quick sorry and asked what they got. Liv filled her in while Nick and Fin entered the apartment again. Liv asked her if she was up to coming with her to the hospital to take the victims statement. Of course Amanda said yes even though she felt scattered and completely useless. Liv let the guys know they would take off and then they took Amanda's car to the hospital. Liv couldn't know it would be the very last drive she took in that car since Amanda was selling it the following day.

On the way to the hospital Liv asked Amanda if she was okay and of course Amanda said she was. Liv told her she looked a little worn down and Amanda told her thanks but added that she forgot to set her watch and she didn't have time to take a shower or anything this morning. Liv told her she should have taken the time, they would have covered for her. Amanda knew, deep down, that Liv meant well but because of the situation, or perhaps because of the bad taste Amanda still had in her mouth after what she did this morning, she made a bitchy comment to let Liv know she didn't need special treatment. Amanda could tell on Liv's face after the quick glance she shot her that she'd hurt her and it made Amanda feel if possible even worse. Amanda said a quick sorry before she jumped out of the car and didn't give Liv a chance to reply or ask any more questions.

Liv, as usual, took lead as they questioned the victim. Amanda felt unfocused and after a while she started to feel really sick to her stomach. She had to interrupt the questioning abruptly but then didn't even make it out of the room before she heaved, thankfully though in a garbage can right by the door. Liv excused herself to the victim and walked outside to where Amanda had managed to retreat with the garbage can in a tight grip close to her face. A nurse had walked by and reached Amanda about the same time as Liv did.

"I'm fine, really," Amanda tried as she spit some residue down the garbage can.
"I'll get you a wet towel and some water, have a seat meanwhile," the nurse said and rushed off. Amanda felt pitiful as Liv guided her to the bench by the wall.
"I'm so sorry," Amanda said as she sat down.
"Don't worry about it," Liv said as she kept stroking her back. Amanda just wished she could stop that but then her focus went elsewhere as she felt cold sweat all over as a new wave of nausea came over her. She couldn't stop whatever it was coming up her throat but she turned herself and the garbage can away from Liv right before she hurled again.

Liv would have gathered her hair if it wasn't already bundled and instead got up from her seat next to Amanda so she could keep moving her hand up and down her spine. Amanda tried saying something that sounded like sorry as her body pulsated in short cramps as her body tried to heave even though there was nothing left to toss up. Liv kept saying it was okay over and over again until she finally could feel Amanda's body calming down under her touch.

"Oh my goodness," the nurse pampered as she came back. Liv took one of the wet cloths from her and stroke it around Amanda's neck since the nurse went for her forehead. Amanda couldn't lie that the cloths felt really good against her flushed and clammy skin.
"There is some stomach bug going around, perhaps you caught it?" the nurse suggested and changed glances with Liv since Amanda was still folded over.
"Perhaps," Amanda said silently while still gasping a little. A stomach bug sounded better than what she'd really been up to. She didn't know though that Liv's skillful nose had picked up the slight smell of alcohol evaporating from the garbage can and she had of course noticed that Amanda wore more make-up than she usually did. Thankfully Amanda neither picked up Liv's concern as she'd spotted the small bruises at the back of her neck that looked very much man made.

Nick and Fin joined them at the hospital a little later and of course Liv had to tell them Amanda had come down with something suddenly. Fin insisted he would drive her home and Liv rode back to the station with Nick meanwhile. Amanda stayed quiet in the car as Fin drove her home and kept nagging her about taking it easier, being nicer to herself and yada yada yada. She knew he meant well but right now all she wanted was to physically manhandle a perp or bust down a door or something even though she felt weak and fragile. The last thing she wanted was being forced to stay alone in her apartment with only her thoughts as company.

He wouldn't let her talk her out of coming upstairs with her either. Thankfully she hadn't sold any of her heavier pieces yet and could just hope he wouldn't look inside any of them to find them completely empty. She managed to snag a few pieces of clothing off the floor before he spotted them. Clothing that wasn't really part of the wardrobe he was used to seeing her in.

"I'll be right back," she said as she sneaked into her bedroom and shuffled more clothes and the suitcase they came from into her closet. She went into the bathroom to rinse out her mouth yet again and then flushed the toilet just for show. She found him coming out of her kitchen and he looked somewhat angry so she got a bit worried before she knew what it was he was steaming about.

"You have nothing in your fridge or cupboard, you have to eat Manda," he said angrily.
"That's why there's take-out, I haven't felt like cooking anyway," she said and sank down on her couch. He came walking over and sat down as she struggled a little to get her shoes off.

"How are you doin'?" he asked her seriously as she finally leaned back on the couch.
"I have a stomach bug, how do you think I feel?" she said with a hint of a smile on her face but then rolled her eyes a little and turned her head outwards. She'd taken down her curtains but they still lay below the windows so it looked more like she was switching them.

"Shouldn't you head out of here before you catch it by the way," she asked and turned her head back towards him. He looked troubled, she knew it wasn't from her question though.
"Are you sure you're doin' okay?" he asked and even though she knew he was just being concerned it made her feel even worse.
"I'm fine Fin, promise," she tried to convince him but could see she was failing. He still knew better than to nag though.

"Can I get you anything before I head back?"
"I can't even think of food right now Fin," she complained and covered her eyes with her hand.
"Fluids then, can I get you an iced tea?"
"That sounds good but I'll make one myself later. Just go Fin. I'll be fine," she said without uncovering her eyes. She just couldn't face him.

"Okay then but you rest, watch some TV… what the fuck happen to your TV?" he said and she looked up. She'd cancelled her cable so she'd pulled the cords.
"Oh it was just some malfunction with the cable, they told me to yank everything out and I just couldn't be bothered," she tried as an explanation and he seemed to buy it.
"You want me to hook it all in?" he offered kindly.
"No, thanks but no. I don't want to watch anything right now any way, I just want to go to sleep," she let him know and she was being honest.

When he left just a few minutes later she headed straight to the shower and then straight to bed. She got more sleep than she'd gotten in weeks now and she did feel at least a little better once she woke up. She was working Assets that night so it was good since she had to be on alert. She'd started really scanning the crowd now. She was good at the find your target method now and she tried to talk to every customer that paid her the slightest interest. She started writing names down and she tried to get finger prints of the customers she felt extra fishy. It was too bad the dollar bills had so many prints on them already but she managed to snatch their finger prints of smaller objects sometimes and even off her own body.

Working SVU simultaneous helped since she could use their equipment and get access to police files and stuff. But she started to feel really bad for the rest of the cases she should be working. And she felt bad for her partner, her squad and her captain. Seemed all she did was lie these days and it was tiring. She knew she had to end the double life and commit to Assets full out. She would buy some time with the funeral she figured. Cragen had no problem giving her some extra time to help her mom settle things back home. She felt like hugging him that last day in the squad room since she knew it would be the last time she'd see him but of course she didn't.

She couldn't help but hug her partner as she left him that last shift though. She would miss him the most. He'd been an amazing partner and he deserved more than her. During that beer they shared that last evening she'd been caught up in her own thoughts a lot. She wondered how she'd managed to pull everything off, even if not perfect, she didn't feel as though her partner or her squad had caught on to what she was up to. And she wondered if she'd handled it all wrong. The plan had been to fill them in further once she had some proof. She had Cassie's story but she didn't feel as she had much else really. All she had was her own down fall really.

She'd slept with the bartender to be able to get information off him. She'd used drugs, more than once now. And she'd dirtied herself down in the champagne room for the first time that weekend. Trina had told her Jim thought she was ready and there had been many demands for her. Especially one that seemed very interested in her and was even willing to pay more to get her in there. Amanda couldn't help but get curious of him. Could he be the killer? She'd told Trina she was ready for it and she'd learnt the rules of the room. Dancing, undressing but topless was still the limit, some touching were okay but absolutely under no circumstances was sex allowed. Trina told her that meant no oral, no hand jobs, nothing where his penis was exposed. Jim was apparently very strict about this. Nothing illegal could happen, so stay at just bending the rules Trina told her which left Amanda a little confounded.

The guy had turned out not to be her killer. He was just a guy in his 30s with a small head and a big ego. She managed to snatch his business card and found nothing in his records that made him her killer. She was disappointed and decided then it would take longer than she thought to wash out her killer. So she told the captain the funeral was finally taking place. And now here she was out on the street saying good bye to her partner. He thought she would be back in three weeks but she knew she wouldn't be and that knowledge weight heavy on her shoulders. She held on hard for a long moment and felt like clinging on forever. She smelled him, felt him under her palms and hoped she could carry some of him with her as she let him go. Everything inside her told her she was doing something stupid. That she should just tell him. He would understand right? He would understand why she'd done what she'd done? That it was all for a purpose, he would understand and help her? But she couldn't risk it. Couldn't risk everything being for nothing. So she said good bye. He said bye too but he didn't know that hers were forever.

---

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing. A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)