Chapter 6 -The Beginning of the End II

            Four months had breezed by.   My time with Roger seemed to just go on and on. .Some times we wouldn't even get out of bed.  We were always together.  Roger would stop by the record store to surprise me with coffee or lunch.  My friends really liked him and they were excited for me that someone so great and wonderful was in my life. At night when he wasn't playing with his band, he was bartending and sometimes acted as a bouncer in clubs (that made me laugh because he wasn't a big guy).   After he left work or was done playing a gig, I had taught myself to cook and I would make him something to eat.

            There were some things we did I wasn't too proud of. Namely, I was the one who introduced Roger to the world of drugs.  Can you believe a rocker who had never used drugs existed in New York City?  Not me, until I met him.  We would frequent the drugs but it didn't consume out lives.  He didn't care for it but would use with me.

            One morning, out of the clear blue, he came up with an idea.  Roger asked me to move in with him and his friends in a loft.  The loft was something to be desired but rent was cheap, hell, it was free!  We had spent almost everyday in those four months together and splitting our time between both of our places that it only seemed right that we moved in together.  I knew all of his friends and roommates.  I liked them and felt that they liked me.

            Roger's friends seemed like a colorful bunch.  There were five of them sharing the loft, which was decent size.  There was of course Roger and his best friend Mark, who he had grown up with.  If Roger was the rock star, Mark was the anti.  He was the complete polar opposite of Roger.  He was kind of dorky and bookwormish.  He always had a video camera and was always taping something.  He was an aspiring independent film maker.  One thing about him though was that he was very thoughtful and very intelligent. 

            Then there was Maureen, who was Mark's girlfriend.  She was beautiful and had long curly brown hair that I had always wanted.  She protested a lot of things and was very passionate about her interests.  Even though I saw them in front of me, I couldn't believe that someone so beautiful was with Mark.  Again, he seemed to be the odd man out. Maureen was very nice to me and told me she was excited there would be another girl in the loft.

            Collins was a friend Roger and Mark had made when the first moved to the city.  He was a teacher or a tutor of some kind.  He was kind of all around and not really at the loft that often.  He was very smart and knew how to party.  He was a very sweet man.

            Then there was Benny, who was not there most of the time.  He was seeing a rich girl from my old neighborhood.  I was relived when he told me her name but I didn't know her, she was a few years older than me.  I wondered if she had known my sister but decided not to ask.  Benny was all right when he was there.  He was nice enough to talk to and was always nice to me.  He just wasn't at the loft that often for me to really get to know.

            I felt like I was starting my life over, yet again, with these people.  With the exception of Roger, no one knew about my past.  No one knew that I was estranged from my family.  No one knew my bouts with drugs.  It was a clean slate.

              "I can't do this any more," Roger told me one afternoon after we had woken up.

            "What do you mean," I asked as I rolled over to face him.  I wasn't even fully awake yet and he was all ready bitching at me for something.

            "The drinking. The drugs.  I have been kicked out of my band and I was fired from my job.  I'm getting too old to do this crap day in and day out."  He explained to me as he looked at me before whispering,   "I think you should get clean too."

            I took a deep breath and sighed.  "Roger-"

            "April, listen.  It is something we can do together.  I want to eventually move out of here and get a real job.  I want to go back to college.  I'm older and I know what I want to do."

            I laughed, "And what would that be?"

            "I want to be a music teacher.  I want to help kids with their passions.  I want my life to have more meaning than it does now.  Don't you ever want more from life?"

            I coughed again.  I wasn't felling well but I didn't say anything.  I knew that it would be blamed on the drug usage.            "I tried, twice." 

            "I know you did, I know that you tried hard, but you didn't have anyone to help you or to cheer you on.  You had no one to go through it with.  This is something we can do together.  April, please at least think about it."  Roger begged.

            "Will that make you happy?  Do you want me to clean up and be happy and," I was interrupted by a cough and ran to the bathroom to vomit.  Roger followed me and held my hair back.  It was the fourth morning in the row that I started off by throwing up.

            "April, I really think you should go to the clinic."  Roger told me as he handed me a towel.

            "And what make you think this?"  I asked sarcastically.

            "Did you ever think you might be pregnant?"  Roger asked in a quiet voice, even though we were the only ones home.

            I gasped at the thought, "WHAT?" 

            "It was just a thought.  It could be the reason why you are throwing up in the morning."

            "Or I could just have the flu," I argued back.

            Roger smiled.  "I forgot you are Ms. Logical.  It was just a thought.  You should go to prove me wrong.  By the way, would it be such a horrible thing if you were pregnant?"  He asked with a smile.

            "I just never thought of it, that's all," I explained.  "I can't be, I mean, I haven't thought about it, I mean, where the hell are we going to put the baby?"

            Roger smiled and kissed the top of my head.  "It'll work out, really.  I would be excited if we would have a baby."

            "But we haven't talked about it or prepared or anything."

            "Slow down, we'll figure it out.  We have all the time in the world." 

            "Would you really?"  I asked as I knelt in front of him.

            "Would I what?" He smiled.

            "Would you really be okay with it?  I mean, you wouldn't leave or want me to leave?" 

            Roger got closer to me and held me.  "Of course I would stay and yes, I love the thought.  It should be a reason why you would want to get clean."

            I rested my head on his chest and smiled at the idea of the two of use having a baby.

            He next day I over heard a conversation which Roger never knew I heard.  I was standing out in our hall as I heard the conversation.

            "A baby?"  Mark asked in shock.

            "Who's having a baby, baby?"  Maureen asked as she kissed Mark on the cheek and joined in on his and Roger's conversation. 

            "No one yet, maybe, I don't know.  I think April is pregnant."  Roger said excitedly.  "She went to the clinic today.  We should get the results in a few days.  She's lying down.  Don't say anything to her that I told.  It isn't definite but you know, the thought is -"

            "Frightening."  Mark interrupted.

            "Terrifying."  Maureen added.  "Do you really want one of those things?  All they do is scream and yell for like eight teen years!"

            Roger chuckled.  "I don't think it is quit that long, but yeah, I want one of those things."

            "Well, if you and April are all right with the idea, then I am too, I guess."  Mark supported Roger.

            "Well, I, well, I guess I am happy for you two but keep that thing far away from me and when it's born hand me ear plugs.  I want no part in actually touching it or interacting with it."  Maureen explained.

            "Thank you, I think."  Roger said.  "Remember, don't say anything to April yet."

            "This call is for April Erickson.  Ms. Erickson, this is the clinic calling you with the results.  It is against the law for me to give you your test results over the phone so please call us so we can arrange a time to go over your results."  Both April and Roger heard the answering machine.

            "Well."  Roger had said to me while his head rested on the couch. 

            I was reading a book when I didn't even look at him and said, "Well."

            "What are we waiting for, let's go."  Roger said as he sat up.

            "Roger," I said as I put my book down.  "The clinic closes at five and it is almost four, we would get there just in time for them to tell us they are closed and we would have wasted our time.  We'll go first thing in the morning."

            Roger nodded.  He knew I was right.  He walked over to me and squeezed my shoulders.  "I'm just excited and antsy about the possibility of us having a baby.  Look," he said as he picked up the paper.  "I've even circled jobs in the paper that I am going to apply for tomorrow.  I even have an interview tomorrow at some restaurant.  I-shit, I have an interview tomorrow.  I'll cancel it." 

            "Why cancel it?"

            "Because I would like to know what is going on with you.  I want to go with you to see the doctor."

            "I can go by myself.  Plus, you don't know for sure that is what he is going to say.  Go to your interview. If I am with child, we're going to have to get some money.  I'll look for a job after my appointment."  I tried to talk some sense into him.

            "I would like to be there, really I would."

            "I know you would but I understand.  Plus, you have all ready promised me that you are going to stick by me no matter what.  That means a lot to me." 

            "You'll be honest with me, no matter what the doctor says, right?"

             I smiled at him.  "Of course I will tell you everything that I am told.  I promise."

            "Ms. Erickson?"  A petite nurse called my name with a smile.

            I stood up and followed her to the examination room and sat down.  She took my pulse and blood pressure and asked how I was feeling.  I told her the same.  She made some notes in my chart and then said the doctor would be with me in a few minutes.

            True to her word, the doctor only took a few minutes to get back to me.  "Hi doctor."  I said as he extended his hand.

            "I have the results of your tests back.  There is quite a bit of news I have to share with you.  The first bit of information is that you are indeed pregnant."

            So Roger was right, I thought to myself. 

            "I really don't know how to tell the other news."

            "Other news?  Is the baby all right?"  I asked a little scared.

            "So far, yes, but you have to set up an ultrasound.  April, have you had a lot of sexual partners?"  The doctor asked very bluntly.

            What business was it of his to know who I was sleeping with I wondered to myself.  "Well, over the past several months I have been with the same man.  Besides that I have only slept with a handful of people ever.  Doctor, why do you need to know thus?"

            "April, I hate to tell you this but you are HIV positive.  I woul-"

            I had to interrupt him.  "Wow, wow, wow, wait a minute.  I'm not gay, I have nothing against gay people but isn't that a gay dieses?"

            "No it isn't.  That is a misconception.  You probably caught it through unsafe sex with a man who used dirty needles."

            I gulped.  "Dirty needles?" 

            "Yes, for drugs."

               I closed my eyes and cried.  I couldn't believe it.  It wasn't a man who gave it to me; it was me who gave it to me.  "Okay, it's an STD, how do I get rid of it?"

            The doctor shook his head and took off his glasses.  "April, we can give you medicine to slow it down but there is no cure for it."

            Tears began to fall down my cheek.  "What does this mean for me and for my baby?"

            "Well, for you we can give you a bunch of medicine but we have to do some tests on the baby and then figure it out.  There are some cases were the baby is born but has no sign of the virus ever.  Doctors are still puzzled why this happens.  April, I would suggest that you urge your partner to get tested."

            I nodded my head and left with tears.  I ran into the bathroom and threw up.  All of those years where I wasted my life by using drugs not only was going to affect me but my baby, and possibly Roger.  Oh god, Roger.  What did I do?