Title: The Solitude of Christmas

Author: NickyK

For: tayababy

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Summary: Jenny realizes that being alone at Christmas time is not what she wants.

Director Jenny Shepard pushed away from her desk and rubbed her tired eyes. She didn't know what she was still doing at the NCIS building. Most of the staff was already gone save for a few on-call agents. It was almost Christmas, after all. Her stomach clenched at the thought. She really hated this time of year. Needing to move, she rounded her desk and found herself staring out the massive window in her office that over looked the Navy Yard.

The world below was covered in a glittering mass of fluffy whiteness. It startled her. So absorbed in her need to not think about the outside world, she hadn't even realized it had begun to snow. She'd always liked the first snowfall. The way it looked like the clouds had come down to rest on the branches, sidewalks and driveways. When she was a little girl, she could remember opening her window on that first big snowfall and listening to the nothingness. That's how she'd thought of it… the sound of nothingness. It was always so peaceful and serene that she used to wonder if the clouds had brought a bit of heaven down along with it. Then she would hurry and close the window because Santa came on nights like that and if he found her still awake, he would put sand in her eyes.

Jenny smiled at the childish memories, thinking suddenly of how long ago it was when she dreamed of Santa Clause and reindeers. When her only thoughts at this time of year was what would be waiting for her underneath the Christmas tree.

And if her Dad would be there when she woke.

The thought came out of nowhere but it was one she acknowledged with a grimace. There was always that tinged of disappointment when she would awaken Christmas morning to only see her mother waiting for her. As a young child, around the holidays especially, she had resented her father's work and the way it kept him away from her and her mother. And later, after her mother died and it was only the nanny waiting, well, that's when she began to realize that Christmas was just another day.

Suddenly chilled, she wrapped her arms around herself. She started to move away from the window when she caught a glimpse of rainbow colored lights off in the distance.

Christmas lights.

It hit her like a fist in the chest. So unexpected was the rush of emotion, the abrupt pang of loneliness that she gasped out loud. The sound brought her up short as Jenny stumbled on unsteady legs back to her desk. She sat down heavily, reaching instinctively to the bottle of bourbon she'd stashed in her desk drawer. Blindly, she opened the cap and lifted if up to her mouth. The smell made her stomach churn and she stopped, closing her eyes as she resealed the liquor and put it away.

Taking several deeps breaths, Jenny forced herself to focus. Pushing all thoughts of childhood Christmas fantasies aside, she concentrated once more on the screen in front of her. Not once acknowledging the nagging voice inside her head reminding her that no one will be waiting for her on Christmas morning. Not even the nanny.

Jenny woke to the sound of giggling. Cautiously, she opened her eyes and nearly yelped at the set of blue and green eyes that gleamed back at her.

"Wake up mommy, it's Christmas," whispered the oldest one. Or at least she thought he was older, though not by much.

"Yeah, wase up, mommy," the younger one repeated or tried to, his words were a little less clear.

"Wha…."

"Boys, didn't I tell you not to wake up your mother?"

Jenny's head snapped around, her eyes widening at the sight of Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs in a bathrobe, trying to look stern but not having much luck.

"But Daddy, it's Christmas," the older one said again as if that explained everything.

"I know what day it is," Gibbs said playfully grabbing the boys around the waist and pulling them off the bed. They giggled hysterically as Gibbs set them down. "Why don't you and Nicholas go get your slippers on and meet me and mommy downstairs?"

"Yea!" one screamed, then the other as they ran towards the door.

"Don't touch anything, Nathan, until we get down there," Gibbs yelled after them.

Jenny wasn't sure they could even hear him over their own screeching. Her ears were certainly ringing. But whether it was over the boys screaming or the fact they had referred to her and Jethro as mommy and daddy, she wasn't sure.

Gibbs leaned over and kissed her on the lips. He gave her an apologetic look.

Apologetic?

"Think it's time to get up, hon. The boys are going to tear up the place if we don't get down there."

Hon?

Jenny touched her lips, still tingling from the touch of his. She turned confused eyes to his and struggled to sit up. "What's going on?" she asked weakly.

He chuckled. "I know it seems like you just laid down, but surely you haven't forgotten it's Christmas?" he asked playfully.

Jenny looked around the unfamiliar room, questions circling her brain so fast she wasn't sure which to ask first. "What are we doing here?"

Now it was Gibb's turn to look puzzled. "Jen, come on. What kind of question is that?"

"But….,"

"Mommy, Daddy, hurry!" Nathan she assumed shouted up to them.

"And right now we better get downstairs before we have twin tornadoes destroying our living room."

He leaned down and kissed her, this time on the cheek, before he rose and walked out the door.

Was he whistling?

Uncertain, Jenny pulled back the covers and swung her feet to the floor. She looked around and spotted a robe thrown casually across the back of a chair, a pair of slippers on the floor beside it. She slipped them on, somewhat unnerved by how perfectly the items fit.

"Jen, the boys are getting antsy. " Gibbs yelled back up the stairs.

"I-I'm coming," she called hesitantly. Tying the robe securely around her waist, she cast another glance around the unfamiliar room, and headed out the bedroom door.

It shouldn't have surprised her that she knew exactly where to go, yet it did. She didn't understand what was going on or how she'd even gotten there. Or why those two beautiful boys kept referring to them as mommy and daddy. Her stomach gave a nervous flutter at that thought.

If only, she mused rounding the corner to see two very eager boys ripping into brightly wrapped packages.

Gibbs looked up. "I couldn't hold them off much longer," he said by way of explanation.

"It's okay," said Jenny, still standing in the entry-way, watching with fascination as Nathan frantically removed the wrapping on his gift. Jenny couldn't help but laugh as he gave a very loud "yeah" and pumped his arm in the air.

"I got it! Mom, Dad… I got it!" he shouted, his eyes gleaming with excitement.

"Me too," Nicholas piped in as he finally succeeded in opening his gift, which seemed to Jenny was a smaller version of his older brother's.

"Alright!" exclaimed Nathan, "Let's open another one!"

Their excitement was contagious and Jenny found herself relaxing as she watched them; laughing at their antics and beaming at their pleasure. She didn't even hesitate when Jethro reached for her hand and pulled her down beside. When his arm went around her shoulders, she leaned into him, reveling in the warmth he generated.

It should have made her weary. It should have made her question her sanity to one moment be alone in her office desperately trying to avoid the very thought of Christmas and the next celebrating it with a ready-made family.

But as she sat there, in Jethro's arms, watching the boys compare their toys with the loud enthusiasm that befitted their age, she couldn't bring herself to care how or why she was there.

"Mommy, open," said Nicholas, struggling to hand her a box that was almost as big as he.

"Of course," she said, smiling into eyes that mirrored her own.

So content on helping undo all the wires that kept the toys connected in the packaging, she hadn't even been aware of Gibbs slipping away. After an eternity of untwisting, they finally managed to free the robot.

"Tanks mommy," he exclaimed happily.

She ruffled his reddish-blond hair and kissed his forehead. "You're welcome," she said and smiled as he went to join his brother and inspect the rest of his toys.

"Your turn."

She looked up to see Jethro standing beside her, holding a small package. He handed it to her as he sat beside her once again.

"What's this?" she asked softly.

"Open it and see."

She held his eyes, Nathan's eyes she noted, a moment longer before opening the package. Her fingers shook as she opened the small jewelry box. Her breath caught at the site of the gleaming tear-drop shaped diamond necklace. "Oh, Jethro, it's beautiful," she breathed.

"You're beautiful," he told her. His hand came up and gently brushed her cheek and the love shining in his eyes made her own fill with tears.

"Will you help me put it on?" she asked huskily, holding the precious gem out to him.

"My pleasure."

She turned to give him better access. He slipped the necklace on and her hand rested lightly against the jewel. She turned when he kissed the nape of her neck.

"How does it look?"

"Exquisite as always," he said, and the heat in his eyes had a warm rush of moisture pooling in her center.

Remembering they had an audience, she cleared her throat and had to take a moment before she could speak.

"Oh, I have something for you."

She didn't question how she knew that. She rose and walked over to the Christmas tree. Bending, she retrieved a gift that had been buried underneath all the others. Slowly, she went back to him and handed it to him. Jenny bit her lip as he opened the gift, not knowing how he would accept it.

His too was a jewelry box. Inside was a sparkling gold pocket watch. Gibbs lifted it out slowly, the chain uncurling as he did so.

"It was my father's," Jenny said quietly. "I found it when I finally cleaned all of his stuff out of the townhouse. My mother had given it to him as a Christmas gift and he treasured it, carried it everywhere. After she died, I-I never saw it again." She swallowed. "I had it restored and the engraving redone. I thought it was very fitting for us."

Gibbs opened the watch and read the words 'Our Love is Timeless'. He said nothing for a moment and Jenny looked at him anxiously.

"Do you like it? I know it's not really your style and if you don't want to accept it I would understand. I…"

"Jen, I'm honored," he said gently cutting her off.

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's perfect and I'm honored that you would want me to have this. I get how important this is you and I promise I'll take good care of it."

He kissed her then- just a light touch of his lips to hers, with a promise of more to come later in his eyes. Her body tingled at the anticipation. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, willing it to behave.

"I love you, Jen."

"I love you too, Jethro."

And she found that she really did.

Later that night, after the boys had reluctantly put away all their gifts, taken their baths and went off to bed, they came together. Slow and tenderly, their bodies molded into one, their breaths mingled with their sighs as their pleasure and joy of being with each other, loving one another, collided and exploded into sensation after sensation of pure ecstasy.

"Jen. Jen, wake up."

Jenny Shepard jerked away, her eyes wide as she looked around…her office? How did… what was she doing in her office? Where was the house, the Christmas tree? Where were the boys?

"Jen, you okay?"

She looked up and stared into the concerned eyes of Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Dread bumbled up inside her as comprehension settled in.

"No," she breathed. "No, it couldn't have been."

"What are you talking about?"

She looked at him again, her eyes panicked now. "It was a dream? But it couldn't have been. It felt so real, it was so real," she cried.

Worried, he bent down to her. "Jenny, what's going on? Are you okay? Do I need to get Ducky?"

"No," she yelled, pushing away from him. She stood unsteadily and began to pace the length of her office. "You told me you loved me. I told you I loved you. We had two precious little boys, Nathan and Nicholas. We were a family. I was part of a family," she finished on a sob.

Gibbs watched her, trying to keep up with her words, trying to keep his own emotions in check. "Tell me about the dream," he demanded gently.

She looked at him, tears in her eyes and told him everything. From beginning to end, she held nothing back. When she was done, she looked at him and the sadness in her eyes nearly broke his heart.

"I was happy, Jethro. I was so happy. I haven't been that way in a very long time," her voice sounded drained, defeated. "But it was a dream and I'm still alone."

Taking a chance, he went to her. Lifting her eyes up to his, he cupped her chin. "You don't have to be alone, Jen."

She sniffed. "What are you talking about?"

"Being alone was always your choice. You wouldn't let anyone in. But you don't have to be by yourself, especially on Christmas."

She sighed. "Jethro, in the space of, what, half an hour, I have just went on an emotional journey that wasn't all pleasant. I can't even begin to decipher what you mean."

Gibbs searched her face. He'd wanted to take that leap of faith so many times with her. He'd wanted to take away the sadness and loneliness that plagued her every year around this time, but he'd always held back. She'd hurt him too many times. Could he trust her now not to throw his feelings back in his face?

God, relationships were such a mess, he thought grimly.

But looking at her now, at the wounded, defeated expression on her face, he knew that if he didn't speak now, tell him how he felt, she would disappear behind that wall again. A wall he was all too familiar with because he'd had one up himself for years after Shannon and Kelly died. He'd had help taking his own down, now it was his turn to give back to her what she'd given to him all those years ago.

Taking a steady breath, he spoke.

"What I'm saying, Jenny, is that I'm here. You're not alone. There are plenty of people who care about you, who want to see you happy. I'm one of them. "

She snorted in disbelief. "Right. You want me to believe that after all this time, everything I've done, you still care?"

"Yeah, I do. And so do a lot of other people." His hand cupped the side of her cheek, his thumb wiping away the tears still lingering. "You're not alone, Jen. If you let me in, you never have to be alone again."

She looked at him quizzically. "What are you saying, Jethro?"

He smiled and took her hand. "Come with me."

Reluctantly, she let him lead her to the door, not quite sure where they were going. There was only a skeleton crew working tonight so she wasn't worried anyone seeing her holding hands with Gibbs or crying.

He opened the door and pulled her out onto the upper landing that overlooked the bullpen.

Jenny gasped. It had been completely transformed. Lights and garland hung from every available surface, Christmas music drifted out through the rarely use intercom system, and a wide variety of food, in every color of the rainbow it seemed, was spread amongst the desks, while a couple dozen people milled around, laughing and talking.

Jenny turned wide, surprised eyes to his. "How did you do this?"

"It wasn't me. It was Abby and Ducky. "

"But I thought you guys were gathering at Ducky's?"

Gibbs shrugged. "They wanted you there. This time Abby said she refused to take no for an answer. So since you wouldn't come to the party, she brought the party to you."

He paused for a moment, letting her take it all in.

"You're family. They care about you and they love you. So do I," he said turning to face her.

Still reeling, Jenny could have sworn she misunderstood. "What did you say?"

"I said they love you. And so do I." He reached up, brushed her hair back away from her face. "I love you, Jenny. I'm here if you want me to be."

Jenny studied his face. She'd spent so long pretending that she didn't love him, didn't want him. Now, he was taking that chance, making the first move. It took so much energy to keep denying her feelings, to keep her heart isolated from those basic human emotions. And she didn't want to do it anymore.

"I love you too, Jethro. I really do."

He grinned and nodded. She smiled, because that was so typically Gibbs. She was happy, deliriously so. Just like in her dream.

"Let's go join the party," he said tugging her along.

She hesitated. "I look a mess. I can't go down there like this," she hissed.

"You look beautiful."

The look in his eyes told her he was sincere. This time, she grinned and nodded. Hand in hand, they went down the steps and paused when they reached the end.

"Hey, Gibbs."

He turned, narrowing his eyes at a mischievously smiling Abby. He quirked his brow in question.

"Look up," she said smugly, her eyes twinkling. "You have to kiss her," she giggled out.

He looked up at the mistletoe and shook his head. "You okay with this?" he asked her.

Jenny shrugged. "Well, it is tradition," she said lightly.

Gibbs leaned forward. "And who are we to break tradition," he murmured, right before his lips settled firmly over hers. She deepened the kiss, lifting her arms up to pull him in closer. They broke apart to the good-natured teasing.

"Merry Christmas, Jen."

"Merry Christmas, Jethro," she said happily.