Somehow Kanda stumbled his way through the forest, somehow he managed to carry Allen all the way to his cabin and lay him on the bed, and somehow he managed to hide his tears from the rest.
They were all solemn, a lonesome group huddled on the deck as Narein tended to Allen within the relatively more sterile environment of the cabin. Kanda sat down at a corner on some crates away from the rest, forearms to his knees and head bent.
It was a long and terrible wait. Lavi was uncharacteristically silent as he leant over the railing and looked out towards the sea. A couple feet away, the crew stared blearily forward, not even reaching for the bottles of rum that lay within a hand's reach.
Allen had been like the light to them. He always handed out his smiles like freebies, he was utterly kind, and he never gave up. Like them, he had been relentlessly working towards a goal – they could see that, even if he'd never told them about it – and had been most refreshingly inspiring, like the smell of grass after rain. In that, they had been comrades-in-arms, and they'd taken to him like moths to light – light that was ephemeral, which burnt painfully bright like a shooting star.
It hadn't come as a surprise when Allen had grown closer to both Lavi and Kanda. All three of them had had their harsh pasts, and it showed, subtly. Thus the crew was also concerned for the latter two, for how they would cope if Allen…
And then they cursed themselves for thinking such foreboding thoughts. Stupid, they thought. Allen wasn't going to die.
Thus the atmosphere was awfully tense, as the men gripped their hands tightly and from time to time looked to Lavi or Kanda, who were as lifeless as statues. Then Narein stepped out of the cabin, and all their heads turned to him.
He didn't look too sad, and Kanda looked at him with hope. Then he said, "He'll live. He heals fast, since he's, well, not like us. There was hardly any need for you to bring him to me in the first place."
Relieved, Kanda spoke up. "Can I see him?"
Narein hesitated. "Allen's got a message for you. He says he's sorry for all the trouble he's caused, and that he'll leave as soon as he's able to."
Immediately, Kanda hissed, "That idiot!" and strode across the deck into the cabin, shoulders tensed and hands balled into fists. The door slammed shut behind him.
He saw Allen's laborious breaths and the sheen of sweat upon his forehead the moment he stepped in. Surprised that Allen was asleep, Kanda gingerly swept a stray lock of hair behind Allen's ears and forgot his anger.
Allen's eyes snapped open. For a moment he glanced at Kanda fearfully, and Kanda returned his gaze with impunity.
"What, beansprout, you scared of me?" He managed to say it more nonchalantly than he felt.
"No, I – I thought you were him. Chaoji." Allen replied with a sheepish smile. A frail smile.
Kanda's eyes softened. Right then he decided to do something he'd probably deny ever doing. Soothingly, he held Allen's hand, their fingers intertwined.
"I won't let him hurt you anymore." He stared directly into Allen's eyes. "I won't ever let anyone hurt you. And I'm only going to say this once, beansprout, so you'd better listen well. You're not a monster. You're powerful, and you're a damn good fighter, but you're not a monster. And you'd better not blame yourself for the crew getting hurt – the villagers found out that it was Suman Dark who'd ratted to the Noah, and even if it hadn't been for you, we'd have clashed with him sooner or later. And for god's sake – you're not unwanted. The whole crew's out there praying for you to get better, and even that idiot Lavi's strangely quiet. Right now, all of them want nothing more than for you to live."
Allen looked troubled, and he chewed over his next words pensively. "You don't understand, Kanda. I've got nothing to live for anymore. Not since Mana died. I've got to go – to take revenge."
Those words stabbed Kanda in his heart.
"So you're saying that there's no one else important to live for?" Not even me? Kanda wanted to demand.
Perhaps Allen saw the unspoken question, because he winced and answered, "I'm just a prisoner you found and took care of. You'll all get over me sooner or later."
Kanda said quietly, "I'll never get over it."
Allen tried to pull his hand away, but Kanda held on obstinately. "You will. It's how humans are – time dulls their emotions."
"I thought you died, once. I wanted to join you." His words were calm as ever, but there was an underlying tone of choked pain to it.
"You're lying." Allen was being plain obstinate, as though he simply refused to see the truth, and it was driving Kanda up the wall.
"I've never lied to you!" Kanda exclaimed vehemently. "Beansprout – I didn't think you were that stupid, to actually seek your own death. At least with us, you'll have a better chance!"
Allen shook his head, dismissing his claim. "Regardless, I shouldn't involve you. You've done enough; you even saved my life, Kanda."
"Look, I don't want you to die, alright? I didn't save you just to have you die on me!"
"So it's fine either way, isn't it – so long as I don't die in front of you?" Allen bit out in frustration.
Kanda stared at him in shock, and then whispered, "Is that how you truly feel? Do you really believe I'd think it'd be fine?"
Allen turned away, mumbling, "You're human – you wouldn't care 'bout someone like me."
Kanda growled furiously.
"Damn it, beansprout, don't you see how much I fucking care about you? You idiot – I can't believe I've fucking fallen for such an idiot!" He raged.
There was a very, very heavy pause.
Allen looked stunned. He stammered, "Y-you can't possibly – not me, I mean, there's no–" And right then Kanda kissed him just to shut him up.
Or maybe it wasn't just because of that, even if the beansprout was being so damn annoying. It was more because he'd wanted to do that for quite some time now, even as he only realized that fact rather belatedly. The beansprout's lips tasted of blood, and they were soft like a girl's, he mused. His arm snaked around Allen's head, and pulled him closer. He lingered on Allen's lips for a couple more seconds, just to memorize the taste of it, before he deviously licked Allen's bottom lip.
Allen gasped and trembled. Finally Kanda retreated, a satisfied smirk on his face. He would have been perfectly willing to kiss the beansprout longer if it hadn't been for the beansprout's need to breathe.
"Feel like believing me now, beansprout?"
And his words, complete with Allen's embarrassed flush and distinct speechlessness, would have made for a wonderful finale to their argument.
If, of course, it had not been for the loud cooing noises coming from the direction of the door – and it didn't sound like anyone was making an effort to hide their snooping, long-nosed presence. Kanda swiveled around and gave them a hard glare.
He might as well have glared at the wall instead for all the effect it had. Lavi, at the forefront of the snooping contingent, was grinning foolishly at them and giving them flying kisses, which made Kanda's fingers itch for his sword. Behind him, Jerry had his hands clasped together and held to his chest, and he had a most fanatical smile on his face. Daisya and Marie were there too, giving him smug, knowing looks, which made him feel rather murderous. In fact, the whole crew was there, making the most awful kissing sounds at them – complete with puckered lips.
Beside him, Allen groaned. For a moment he felt alarmed – was his condition worsening, he wondered anxiously – till he saw Allen adopting the camel's philosophy and burying himself under his blanket. Then Kanda, most ungenerously, tugged the blanket away from Allen. He received a mutinous glare.
"I'm not suffering through this alone, 'sprout."
"It's Allen! And this was your entire fault!" He protested.
"You enjoyed it as well." He stated.
Allen turned a flaming red. Really, he was going through a whole plethora of the red shades today, Kanda thought amusedly.
At that point, Lavi decided to assert his presence.
"So, beansprout! Yu's declared his passion for you in such a dramatic manner, so what's the verdict: Do you love him, or do you not?" Catcalls and whistles sounded from the enthusiastic crew, and Lavi made drumming noises.
Kanda decided to make his death a certainty, rather than a possibility. After Allen answered, of course. And naturally, he wasn't nervous about how Allen would reply. Not at all. As such, he was also not staring resolutely – desperately, some idiots might have described it – at Allen, who was avoiding his eyes.
For some reason, he suddenly felt very conscious of himself. So far, all the advances had been made by him – in fact, Allen hadn't even said anything that indicated Kanda's importance to him. Quite the opposite, actually.
But then again, he hadn't resisted the kiss…
And Kanda realized that he was being sappy, and stupid, and that the idiot beansprout still hadn't replied. Shit.
"Look, 'sprout, no matter how you feel, you're still welcome to join the crew. You don't have to…force yourself to say something you don't want to." Kanda said under his breath so that only Allen could hear. His spirits plummeting, he got up to leave, and the chair made an awful skidding sound that somehow resonated with his heart.
He told himself that he was fine with it, even if he most obviously wasn't. Even if he cared for the beansprout so damn much it hurt not to have him care back…
"Wait!" Allen said anxiously and grabbed Kanda's hand. "I don't – I mean, I…" He carded his hand through his hair, messing up the locks, "I do, I lv' you, I mean."
Kanda couldn't really believe his ears. He kind of wanted to ask Allen to repeat himself, but it had obviously taken him a lot of effort to say that, and –
"I can't hear youuuuuuuu," Lavi taunted in a singsong manner, and this time even Allen felt like clubbing him repeatedly on the head with his stupid broken sword. Kanda stared at him with an expression of murderous rage. Lavi grinned, pulling Daisya in front of him. "I'll shut up over his dead body, Cap'n."
Allen groaned, again. "Fine, I get it! Kanda's an idiot, and a brute, and he's evil and dumb and stupid, but I damn well love him, alright? Are you satisfied, huh?"
Kanda didn't know whether he should be pissed off or happy about that confession. But, the sight of the expression of mock-innocent disgruntlement as Allen had insulted him persuaded him to the former. Come to think of it, he hadn't even taken revenge yet for being called a she-man, and now even his intelligence had been victimized.
His thoughts veered into a homicidal direction.
Then Allen coughed discreetly, and Kanda saw how worryingly pale he was.
"Get some rest, beansprout," and as Allen's grip on his hand tightened, he added, "I'll be here with you."
Allen flashed him a sickly smile.
"I'm fine, Bakanda. And it's Allen."
The rest of the crew sensibly retreated from the doorway and closed the door behind them, sensing the no-visitors mood Kanda was in.
Only Lavi noticed how expertly Kanda was being played, and he prayed to never cross Allen.
He'd sooner give Kanda a fluffy pink tutu for Christmas.
And here's the update! I'd say it's terrible, and the style probably isn't very consistent – I rewrote it, and I suck at rewrites – but hell, there are so many wonderfully kind souls out there who's been so supportive of my writing (even if personally, I still think I have very far to go) that I really must thank you. It's been so encouraging that I even feel bad for criticizing myself.
Here's my honest opinion: this chapter's so bad I ought to have rewritten it, but I simply didn't want to post it too late. And, uh, it's really okay if you agree. As in, seriously, I'm sure at least a couple of you think so too, right? And I'm not fishing for flames; it's just that every one of the reviewers seem to like this story so much, I'm beginning to think that I'm actually a very pessimistic person (which definitely isn't true), and that the world is a much kinder place than I thought! Which is possible, but unlikely, and I refer to the Iraq War here.
In any case, thanks for reading this story, and for all the feedback! :D