Disclaimer: If I owned yadayada Tonks'd be alive yadayda Remus wouldn't have been a douchebag yadayada TonksCharlie backstory yadayda more Regulus yadayda more Bellatrix yadayada Mad-Eye and Remus living yadayda blahblah more Bill blahblahblah Draco would've ended up being forced to live with his cousins blablah blady blah...

A/N: REJOICE! THE ERROR SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN FIXED. If any of you are mothers... Happy (late) Mothers Day! I'm thinking Fred, George or Regulus next... But a couple of people have requested him and just because he's our favourite, chocolate-addicted, secret-mastermind of a werewolf... Here's R-R-R-Remus!

Dearest J,

Hello, how are you? I sincerely hope the weather has been good down there.

Let's cut to the chase, shall we?

Firstly, I am sorry that I was not able to find out about these letters sooner. I had my suspicions that something was going on; although, who wouldn't be suspicious with James, Sirius, Dora and Fred running around giggling like a group of sugar-crazed children, mm?

Yes, you did read that right. In an attempt to redeem ourselves I did suggest to Padfoot and Prongs that now that we are- unfortunately –deceased we should possibly, perhaps stop acting like silly teenagers and actually keep track of our loved ones on Earth. Of course, typically their style I turn my back for half a second and what do you know- they've taken aboard my own wife and one of my ex-students and are walking around a little too merrily. All hell has broken loose. And a lot of it seems to be directed towards Severus. At what point did you ever think it would be a good idea to put the four minds together? Thanks to the gaps in your writing, the dear readers did not happen to see the incident at Grimmauld Place involving Sirius, The Twins, Dora, four broomsticks, four bats, two rogue bludgers, the garden spade, three large bars of Honeydukes, a suit of armour, the tin shed roof, one very angry picture of Walburga Black and at least five handfuls of fireworks. I do not wish to repeat this incident. Molly was not impressed to say the least.

But anyway, there a few things I would like to discuss.

1) You seem to have 'forgotten' about me in the Goblet of Fire.

2) Dear readers, you do not know the full story about me and my wife, nor shall you, probably, ever. I do love her very much but considering that I was, once again, 'forgotten' about during the Half-Blood Prince you shall probably never see this full story.

3) During the last two books you have made me seem like a... As Sirius would say: a douchebag. Honestly, if I was in the books for more than two seconds at a time we might actually be able to resolve these issues.

4) That brown suit you allowed me to wear in the Muggle films adaptations is clearly awful.

5) Thankyou so very much for making my son an orphan. You could have at least kept one of us alive. I must say, after seven books, you would think that this whole 'war orphan' storyline was getting a little tedious.

6) I do love my son. Very very much. I do not appreciate you making me look like an uncaring 'douchebag'.

Of course, being the brains behind the Marauders (and some of their best plans, I must say) I cottoned onto your little 'Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs' death-order shortly after Sirius had been killed (by drapery, I might add)

Considering this, I managed to type out a few rather good pieces of 'secret' fiction that was 'never included in the books', complete into one handy book. This does, of course, include a few 'extra special' chapters and alternate endings including some of fans most favourite pairings... HarryHermione, HarryDraco and DracoHermione for instance. Now, I know that these are fake and you know that these are fake... But a lot of angry shippers do not. I did, of course, sign your name at the end of each. Considering the enchantments I put on the letters, I should say that these will reach publishers within... Oh, I don't know, a few hours? I would barricade your door, if I were you- the shippers will be looking to draw blood after this.

But then again, all is fair in love and war, right?

Who looks stupid now? YOU DO!

Sending love,

Remus John 'Moony' Lupin.