Thank you wonderful readers for your kind reviews. As long as they keep coming, so will the updates! Although I am not a big sports fan, I must admit that I'm pleased the New England Patriots are off to the Superbowl. Seattle, you're on!
He didn't know what was happening. His life had suddenly changed, but he didn't understand how or why. At first the terror of experiencing something different, of being taken away from the place in which he now existed had consumed him. He kept expecting more pain, more humiliation – a variety on what had become his normal day-to-day existence.
The people who had taken him were speaking, he could hear their voices but he didn't know what they were saying. It was as if the words washed over him like icy water – freezing his every thought and response.
He'd felt a brief moment of safety when he'd crawled into the space that reminded him of his cage. For a few short minutes he was alone and no one was there to hurt him. And then the Jaffa had come.
He was sure the pain would start soon. He'd be dragged out and taken before Raijin and he would be tortured and treated like the animal he knew he'd become. He'd be shown off to Raijin's guests - and they would laugh at him and hurt him too.
It was his life.
But then, the Jaffa had left and she had come. This was different and he didn't know what to do. He thought she had been one of the ones that had taken him, but he had been too terrified to really notice her. But now she was here – alone with him – and he no longer knew what to think.
She continued to speak and then she got down and came into his cage. He was confused. His captors never entered his place. They would put the leash on him and force him to leave the safety of its confines or they would drag him out or command him to come, but they never joined him.
What did it mean? He grew frightened and tried to move away, but she continued to speak - softly.
Her speaking – it was different than he'd grown used to – to the anger and hate and ridicule. She looked at him, she spoke gently to him, she smiled at him, she treated him – like a human being.
But he wasn't that – not anymore. He needed to get away. No, he wanted her to leave. This was his place of safety. He needed to be alone.
But then she put something on him. At first he was worried, but then he felt the warmth. And she continued to speak gently to him. He was weak and he allowed himself to enjoy the strange feeling – the feeling of being warm and of being spoken to.
She placed whatever it was all over him and he allowed himself to sink into the warmth. He wanted to cry from the feeling. It had been so long.
Then she reached out and touched him. At first he wanted to move away – to flee, but it felt so good. Someone was touching him, and it wasn't to hurt him. The next thing he knew, she was caressing his back.
Oh God! He remembered this. He remembered being touched by someone who – knew him, someone who saw him as something other than an animal. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to feel, to feel the warmth and to feel the touch.
He listened to her voice, which was also soothing, although he still didn't connect with what she was saying. He'd gotten so that he heard and obeyed commands but would block everything else out. Usually anything said to him was to degrade or humiliate him and he'd made himself stop hearing.
He started to drift, for the first time, in longer than he could remember, he felt warm and safe. It was then that he heard a word - a word that brought up a picture in his mind. It was a picture of him being someplace cold, someplace where he was also hurt and in pain but where he felt safe and cared for.
Antarctica.
He turned towards her, driven by some instinct that he couldn't explain. He knew her. He recognized her, although he didn't know exactly who she was.
Something drove him to turn all the way towards her, although he knew he could not look at her. He could never look at anyone, ever again. He was not worthy and he would be punished. But still he turned so that he was facing her. He could feel her breath and for the first time he felt a seed of hope returning. He knew it was because of her.
Hope. He felt his heart fill – but he didn't know with what. He didn't know if it was good or bad. All he knew was he couldn't contain it any more. The tears escaped from his eyes and he began to cry.
It was her touch – her arm around him – that brought back to him all that he had lost, all that he had become. He wept. He wept for himself, for his lost humanity and because he knew that hope did exist but no longer for him – he did not deserve it.
He allowed himself to be lifted up – by her and another who did not seem to want to hurt him. He was suspicious of the comfort – of the softness and of the warmth that engulfed him. He wasn't supposed to feel this way and thought about protesting but then stopped himself. Even if this was for a short time, even if he'd have to pay dearly later – he was going to allow himself this brief moment of comfort. It had been so long.
He felt her place something soft under his head and then more softness covered him and she was there. She also brought him warmth and comfort.
And then there was music. He closed his eyes and felt the tears again gather. Maybe the Goa'uld had finally let him die. Maybe God felt he'd paid enough, and he had been transported to heaven. He began to hope.
"How is he?" Sam arrived in the Infirmary early that morning after only a few brief hours of attempted sleep. Dr. Warner was on duty and she met him in the hallway.
"He was still sleeping when I checked on him half an hour ago. I thought I'd let him rest after his little escape episode last night." the Doctor smiled. "I was just about to go in to check on him again. Why don't you come? I heard he responded to you so it might be good having you with me."
"Of course Doctor", she agreed, although inside she felt a bit uncomfortable. It's not that she didn't want to help the Colonel, but she couldn't help but wonder what others thought of his reaction to her.
Dr. Warner opened the door and the two of them entered the Colonel's room. A new nurse was on duty and she was standing beside the Colonel's bed. "He's just starting to wake up", she explained.
Sam glanced at the man in the bed and could see his head move slightly. He was completely covered by her quilt. In fact, it looked like he had pulled it up as high as it would go and now he was cocooned inside it.
"He loves that comforter", the nurse whispered. "Any time I tried to check him he'd hold onto it as much as he could. He finally seemed to realize I wasn't going to take it away and he relaxed. I also found that the music seemed to keep him remain calm so I left it on all night."
Dr. Warner smiled and nodded. He then looked at Sam. "I heard about your idea from Janet", the doctor told her. "And I agree. I think it's a good idea. I'm going to ask some of the staff to pick up a few things to brighten up his room. He needs to be in cheerful surroundings."
Just then Jack moved and his eyes opened. For a moment he stared straight at the ceiling, as if trying to figure out where he was. A moment later the three standing by his bed could see his expression turn to one of fear. His eyes immediately looked down and he began to curl up on himself.
"Sir", Sam said, stepping forward. "Good morning. It's Sam here. I've come to see you." She reached out and slowly placed her hand on his shoulder, even though the comforter still covered him.
It took a moment, and the Colonel seemed to stop breathing, but then his muscles relaxed – just a tiny bit – but enough for all of them to notice.
"That's it Sir. Everything is okay. You're safe. Dr. Warner is here to see you and to check on how you're doing. Will you let him look at you?"
The answer seemed to be 'no' when Jack began to once again curl into a ball. Sam looked at the Doctor and shrugged. She didn't know what to do to help.
"Colonel, it's me, Dr. Warner. Do you remember me?"
There was no reaction from O'Neill, which is what they'd come to expect. However the doctor was used to soldiers who'd suffered severe trauma and he didn't let it bother him. Instead he kept talking, explaining what he was doing there and how he wanted to help. He kept his tone gentle and non-threatening and eventually the Colonel began to straighten his body. It was a sure indication that he was becoming more relaxed.
"He seems more comfortable with women Sir", the Nurse said softly.
"Mmm, understandable", Warner nodded. "Since the – ones doing this were probably all men. I think maybe we should get you to do the tests Captain", he said to the Nurse. "I'll stay close and tell you what to do."
"Okay Sir." She stepped closer to the Colonel. "Hi Sir. It's me, Captain Dolan. You remember me? I checked on you a few times during the night. I'd like to do the same now, if that's okay with you? I won't hurt you, I promise. I just want to make sure you're doing well."
"Has he been drinking?" Warner suddenly asked.
"No, although Dr. Frasier has him on fluids. They had to sedate him when they first brought him in and then he was asleep most of the night. I've got a cup for him and I can get him started right away."
"Let's do the tests first and then we'll get him to drink. IV fluids aren't really enough if we're going to save his kidneys. Okay, let's see if we can get started. Major – I think it would be good for you to be here as well. Let him know what's going on."
"Of course Doctor." She took a step closer to the bed and again reached out to put her hand on the Colonel's shoulder. "Captain Dolan is going to take a look, to make sure you're okay. You'll let her, won't you Colonel?"
He moved slightly and she didn't know if that was him agreeing or not but she figured that was all they were going to get. "Can I pull the comforter down just a bit?"
She reached up and attempted to pull it down, but immediately he tried to hold on to it. Unfortunately his hands weren't up to grabbing anything so she was able to move it down in spite of his attempt. "I'm sorry Sir. You'll get it back in a minute. I'm not going to take it away."
She swallowed as she saw again how thin he looked under the covers. He was nothing but skin and bones.
"There you go Sir – good job", the Captain said. She approached on his other side and slowly lowered the top of his gown. I'm just going to look at some of your cuts Sir and listen to your heart. This won't hurt, I promise."
For the next fifteen minutes Dolan, with instructions from Warner, did a check of the Colonel. Sam turned away when they started to go past his waist. She knew they needed to check his catheter and the last thing she wanted was to embarrass the Colonel by looking at him during the exam.
When it was all over Dolan covered him back up, although she kept his arms out from under the comforter. "Sir? Dr. Warner needs to check your hands. Major Carter and I will be right here. You don't need to worry."
"I'm here Sir", Sam spoke as well. "Everything's going to be just fine."
O'Neill flinched when the Doctor reached out and took his hand. He wanted to pull it away, but knew he'd be punished. He was waiting for the pain – to be disciplined for having tried to use his hands to hold on to the blanket. He'd known it was bad, but he couldn't help it. He didn't want to let it go. It kept him warm.
He kept waiting for pain. They had often struck his hands, or placed the pain stick on them anytime he'd tried to use them. The worst had been when he'd tried to kill himself. He still remembered the pain of having his hands nailed to a board over his head, and being left to hang there for hours.
After that he could barely use his hands for anything anyway, so he had received less punishment on them. But he had already learned his lesson. He was not to use his hands. He remembered when he had touched the woman's hand when she had been with him before. Maybe he was being punished for that as well.
"Hmm. I'll take a look at the Xrays", Warner murmured, more to himself than anyone. "But it's obvious he's going to need some reconstructive surgery. It's hard to tell how badly the nerves have been damaged since he isn't telling us anything. Colonel?" he looked up at the man in the bed. "Can you try and squeeze my hand?"
He held onto the Colonel's hand, hoping for some reaction. "Colonel?"
Jack was confused. The man was giving him an order and he knew he had to obey it. But he'd been told to never use his hands and when given those orders he'd been called slave or Surebu – that meant he had to listen. But now – the man was calling him something different, and telling him to use his hands. What did it mean?
"Colonel?" It was her voice again. "Please? Can you do what the Doctor says? Can you squeeze his hand?"
She had asked him so he had to do it, for her. He was frightened and confused. He took a breath and tried to do what they were telling him to do.
"Good Colonel – that's it, keep trying." They all watched as O'Neill tried hard to squeeze with his hand. It obviously was hard for him – sweat had appeared on his brow. But at least he was doing it.
"Very good Sir." Warner let go of his hand and laid it gently on the covers. "Can we try the other one?"
A moment later the Colonel was doing the same with his left hand. This one was a bit easier for him.
"Good. Very good Colonel. Thank you." Again Warner laid his hand down gently. "I appreciate you trying that Sir. You did a great job. Now, can I ask you to do one more thing for me?"
Jack was listening – starting to understand the words that people were saying although he was having trouble making much sense of them. He'd heard the command about his hands and now he was being asked to do something else. But he hadn't been punished – at least not yet.
"Can you look at me Sir?" Warner asked softly. "Can you raise your head and look at me?"
Jack stopped breathing. No. This is something they'd made sure he understood. He was no longer a man, no longer worthy to look anyone in the face. The few times he'd tried it – or done it by mistake – he'd been severely punished. Not only that they'd told him repeatedly that he was nothing. He was an animal, a pet. He was not to look at anyone.
"Please Colonel?" Her voice begged him and he wanted to cry. He couldn't. He slowly shook his head, knowing that to refuse meant punishment and pain – but to do it meant even more.
"I think we'd better leave it for now", Warner said softly. "It's clearly distressing to him. I expect he was conditioned into not looking at anyone."
Sam nodded, although she wanted to swear. Every time she saw the Colonel she saw more evidence of what had been done to him.
"Captain, Major, try and get him to drink. It's very important. I'm going to go and study the test results and look at his X-rays. I'll check back in a bit, but don't hesitate to call if there's anything that worries you." Warner gave them both a smile and then turned to the Colonel. "Thank you Colonel. You did a great job. You can relax now with these lovely ladies. And don't worry, we're going to do everything we can to help you get better."
As soon as he left Captain Dolan went to get a carafe and a cup. Sam continued to sit by the bed, regarding the terribly ill man who still hadn't said a word or looked at her.
"So Sir – shall I sit you up a bit so you can drink?" she reached down to the controls and slowly lifted the head of the bed. Jack's eyes grew huge but when it stopped and nothing else happened he calmed down.
Sam put her hand on the side of the bed but this time didn't touch the Colonel. He noticed however, and soon his hand snaked out – slowly – until it was touching hers. A moment later and he lifted his and put it down on top of her hand. She smiled, although she was on the verge of tears. "Can I hold your hand Colonel?" she asked, turning her hand so that their palms were touching. She grasped his hand lightly – and was surprised and pleased when a moment later she could feel him try and grasp hers.
"Good for you Sir", she smiled and squeezed back. "That's great."
"Here we go", Dolan returned and poured a glass of water and set it down. She then moved the table until it was in front of Jack. "There you go Sir – a glass of water. You really need to drink it."
"I don't know if he can use his hands well enough", Sam said. "Sir, would you like me to help you?"
She took the hand she was holding and lifted it towards the water. He didn't resist, at first, but the closer she got to the cup the more she could feel him try and pull back. "Here, this will be easier." She picked up the cup and tried to place it in Jack's hand. She was going to continue to hold it herself, but she didn't get the chance.
The Colonel snatched his hand back violently and pushed both his arms under the covers. He then closed his eyes and curled back up and refused to acknowledge anything.
"Well that went well", Dolan sighed. "He clearly doesn't want to drink."
"Or at least hold a glass", Sam said. "Uh, do you have a straw?"
The Nurse returned a few minutes later with a paper covered straw. Sam removed the paper and placed the straw in the cup. "Colonel?" she asked softly. "Here, you need to drink something, but if you like I'll hold the cup. You don't have to touch it."
It took a few seconds, but eventually Jack opened his eyes and stared at the cup that Sam was holding. He blinked a couple of times but he didn't move away as she brought it towards his face.
"You can drink out of the straw", Sam told him. "I'll hold the cup." She finally got close enough to place the straw near his lips. A second later he'd grasped it with his mouth and he began to drink.
It took hardly anytime at all for him to finish the entire glass. Sam had had to slow him down a few times, worried that he'd get sick, but in the end he'd drunk the whole thing.
"Some more?" she asked, filling a second cup. He took the straw again and drank deeply. He didn't want to let go of the straw and it dawned on Sam that they probably used this to torture him as well. Janet had said he was severly dehydrated. The bastards!
She had to stop thinking about those things or she was going to spend the rest of her life angry.
"There you go! You're doing so great Ja – uh – Sir", she said quickly. "Captain", she addressed her next comment to the young Nurse. "Is he allowed to eat solid food?"
"I'm afraid he's on a liquid diet for now", Dolan told her. "He can have broth or jello if he wants."
"Are you hungry Sir?" Sam asked. Jack had laid his head back on the pillow and his eyes were closed. He reached with his arm, patting the mattress as if trying to find something.
"I think he likes holding your hand", Dolan said softly. Since she was new to the SGC she didn't know anything at all about the rumors about Carter and O'Neill, so her comment was totally innocent.
Sam knew that, but couldn't help but turn slightly pink. She placed her hand on the mattress beside his and a moment later they were again holding hands.
Dr. Warner made his way up to the General's office. Janet was meeting him there and together they were to give Hammond a preliminary report. None of the three attendees was looking forward to it.
"So Doctors, what can you tell me", George asked, letting out a deep breath of air. He knew what Jack faced, but he was still hopeful that the man would heal.
Janet started the narrative, describing his general physical condition. "He's in bad shape, but it's not life-threatening", she repeated her words from before. "But he's clearly been beaten – severely and often – and there's been a lot of damage."
"What kind of damage", Hammond wanted to know the unvarnished truth.
Both Janet and Dr. Warner went into detail about all the various issues the Colonel faced. There was a lot of structural damage, which would require surgery as well as therapy. There was also extensive soft tissue damage and it would also mean therapy and in one or two cases more surgery.
"There don't seem to be too many problems with any organs, other than his kidneys", Warner said – probably the first piece of good news so far. "We can't count out some damage to his heart though – he's been under terrible stress, both physically and mentally for a long time. We're going to do more extensive tests, but only when the Colonel is better able to cope."
"What about his hands?" Hammond asked.
"They're not good", Warner admitted. "The right is in worse shape than the left and I'm afraid it may not get much better than it is. I think there is more chance with the left. Both will need surgery but I want to bring in an expert to do it since it's going to be tricky. There were a lot of broken bones, most of which haven't healed properly and there's extensive tissue damage. He's going to have a long haul with those."
"Anything else Doctors?" Hammond asked, with a sigh and a face that showed how distressed he was feeling.
"Yes", said Janet softly, looking terribly pained. "There's evidence he was -" she stopped and took a breath, "that he was beaten around the genitals. There was damage but I don't know how much at this point. It may be permanent."
"Shit!" The General exclaimed. He wasn't one to ever swear, especially not in front of his own people, but this time both doctors agreed with him. "What more does he have to deal with?" he asked rhetorically.
"We haven't even touched on the emotional trauma yet Sir", Janet pointed out. "And if anything, that's worse."
"I heard that Major Carter was able to get through to him. That sounds promising."
"It is", Janet nodded, "although he still won't look at anyone and won't speak. I'm afraid we're going to have to get an expert in trauma to look at the Colonel. This is way beyond my training."
"Mine as well", Warner agreed. "I agree with Janet. O'Neill is going to need serious, professional help to cope with what he's been through – and it's going to take time."
"Do you think he can overcome this?" Hammond asked directly.
"I don't know Sir", Janet answered. "The Colonel is strong, but this might be too much for him. As it is his career in the Air Force will definitely be over. The physical injuries alone mean that but I doubt he could pass the psych exam. Whether or not he can go on to live a normal life outside the Air Force – I just don't know at this point."
The General nodded and let out a deep sigh. "You're all doing a wonderful job and I know you care for the Colonel and will do everything you can for him. Don't hesitate to ask for anything or anyone you need." He paused and looked out towards the gate room. "I know Jack and if there's anyone who can come back from this, it's him!"