Previously:

"It's not any one thing Jack. I really don't know completely. The only thing I can tell you is what I already have. I was terrified. I never thought about the future. I only ever cared about today, the here and now, and then you came along. And I found myself thinking about things like getting married and having kids and other totally Forman like things. It scared the crap out of me. You asking me about it, made me confront it. I'd always pushed it away."

She watched him, looking into his unguarded eyes, and he fought the urge to look away. She was reading him. And it was unnerving for the zen master who'd never let anyone in, until this 95 pound brunette forced her way.

Chapter 5

"So it's my fault is that what you're saying?" She asked. Her defenses were up again. It was a knee jerk reaction that hid a much deeper, underlying problem. She was insecure. Incredibly insecure. She hid behind her designer clothes and her false sense of self esteem, hiding the pain and the doubt she felt. And as he tried to explain himself and his actions, all he managed to do, was envoke her insecurities.

"No Jacks. No. Of course not." He couldn't imagine how she could possibly think it was his fault. But deep inside him, there was a voice, a voice he'd been trying to keep quiet for a very long time, that told him exactly why. Because he'd made her think that. He'd drilled into her with every demeaning comment, with every zen stare, with every action.

"If I hadn't opened my mouth. If I hadn't asked for something, anything, to let me know where we were headed. We'd still be together. None of this ever would have happened. This is my fault?" It was a question. Not a statement. And her eyes begged him to tell her otherwise. To lie if necessary. But it wasn't. It wasn't her fault. She had every right to ask, to want to know, to be reassured that the boy she'd given her heart to was becoming the man who would always be in her life. That always wanted her in his.

Hyde reached out and cupped her face in his hands. "Listen to me. It's not your fault. It was mine. I screwed up Jacks. And you know how hard that is for me to say. Its the same reason I ran off to Vegas. And it's the same reason I inflicted Sam upon you. I'm too proud to admit my mistakes and I was terrified that you'd realise all my worst nightmares." He was laying himself on the line. Opening up to her completely and the enormity of it was not wasted on her. "I was terrified that you'd realise that I wasn't good enough. That you'd deserve better. And I'd be crushed. So many people walked out of my life Jackie. But none of them had ever meant to me what you do. My mum the drunk. My father the dead beat. But you, you were everything I thought I hated, but I really wanted... I'll take responsibilty for the past few months. Because it was my insecurity, my fear that did this."

Jackie watched him, the warm feel of his hands still cradling her face. He was being sincere. He meant every word he said and she felt the pain in her heart lessen. She was slowly forgiving him for this indiscretion but there were old wounds that needed to be healed. And not just within her own heart. She knew she wasn't a completely innocent party. She knew she'd caused pain of her own. But as he was willing to except responsibility for his betrayls. It was time she accepted responisibility for her own.

"I'm sorry." She whispered as his hands dropped from her face to take her hands. He almost didn't hear her and it took a moment to realise exactly what she'd said.

"What for?" He asked with a confused expression as he tried to catch her eyes.

"For that summer I made you wait. Michael had nothing to do with it." She whispered still averting his eyes. She knew the expression he wore. Complete and utter confusion. And she knew she probably wasn't making much sense to him. But she never told him the truth about that summer and it was about time it was put out there.

"What do you mean? You had to choose between me and Kelso."

"No. I had to choose between you and me." Her voice was soft as her eyes finally rose to meet his. "I was heart broken Steven. And I had to decide whether or not I was willing to put my heart on the line again. We rushed into our relationship. Never talking about what we had or where we were headed. I was doubting whether or not we should've been together. I needed time to think. "

"Is that what you meant when you said you chose you?" He asked and she nodded.

"Yes. I love you Steven, I always have. That was never in question. But our future was. And I was in too much pain to make that decision. I needed time. But then..." She trailed off, dropping her eyes again. "then the pain started turning into anger and I wanted to make you suffer. If I was suffering, I thought you should be too. You were the one who was causing mine, I was going to cause yours." She glanced up at him and saw him nodding and the understanding in his eyes. He had done the same to her time and time again.

"I know it was childish and vindictive but I didn't care. I wasn't thinking about handling my pain in the most mature way. I was thinking with a broken heart. But time did it's trick and the pain stopped. I knew that I wanted to give us a second chance and that it was time to talk to you. To stop being immature and just go to you. So I did, and that girl walked in... broke my heart all over again." The pain reentered her heart at the memory.

"I screwed up again. I was angry and hurt, I'm sorry." He whispered and she nodded as a lone tear slipped from her eye before she could stop it. Her hand quickly rose to wipe it away.

"I know that. I do. But... then, what you said tore me apart. I felt stupid. I felt like a fool. I'd put myself on the line again and you knocked me off." She looked up at him and confusion clouded his features again. He didn't remember what he'd said. But she did. She'd never forgotten. During that time she'd heard it over and over again. As soon as a room went quite or she was alone and silence engulfed her, his voice could be heard in her mind, taunting her with his words.

"You said; 'you didn't think I was gonna wait around for you all summer, did you?' You might as well have kicked me in the stomach Steven. It would have hurt less." Her voice broke slightly as she tried to stop the tears that the painful memory evoked. Jackie looked up at Steven and saw the sorrow in his eyes. She knew he didn't mean it. That he was doing the exact thing she had. Trying to make her hurt because he was. But that didn't make it ok, and it didn't make the pain go away.

"Baby. I didn't... I'm sorry." His voice was low, she'd heard that tone before. When he'd told her about the nurse. And she knew he spoke the truth. But she always had.

"I know... I know... I know you didn't mean it. And I know why you did it. But it still hurt so much." Jackie watched as Hyde nodded and she knew he understood.

Jackie had taken a huge leap of faith going to him that day. He'd broken her heart. He'd cheated on her and she wanted him back. She was willing to forgive and forget. To move on. Because she wanted him. She wanted to be with him, more than she wanted to punish him. But then that girl was there and he was saying hurtful things, and the courage that had walked over to the Forman's basement had abandoned her. The pain she had spent the whole summer trying to heal, was back. And she didn't know what to do.

Hyde watched as her head dropped and her gaze became transfixed with her twisting hands.

"I hid it. Pushed the pain aside and went on that ridiculous quest to get you back. I wanted to make it my fault. To pretend that I'd done everything so I had to win you back. That the whole mess hadn't started because you didn't trust me. But I could only do that for so long. Pulling those stupid stunts with fake tattoos and toe rings to get your attention. It was stupid and it made me feel stupid. I couldn't fight for something, you wanted no part of."

"That's not true. I wanted you. I wanted to be with you. I always have." He was quick to answer. He'd never felt that way. In fact it had terrified him how much he did want to be with her. And what he would do to get her.

She nodded remembering the day she'd stood in front of him in the Forman's driveway and he'd told her that he wanted to be with her. How happy it had made her. And wished that she could feel that happiness now, as he sat across from her and told her again. But she was plagued with old hurt and new fear and doubt.

"How do I know that, if I take you back, that things won't come back to this? That you won't betray any trust I might have in you?" Her eyes were pleading with him. Pleading that he prove her fears false.

Hyde leaned forward and cupped her face in his hands. He gently brushed his lips over hers before pulling back to look in her eyes.

"Because I can't lose you again Jacks. I couldn't survive it." His clear blue eyes bore into hers and she saw his sincerity. She smiled softly before brushing her lips against his. She'd missed his touch so much. It always sent tingles down her spine into the pit of her stomach. It was the most delightful sensation.

"Ok. But if you ever do anything like that again, or speak to me like that again, there will be no time for apologies, no talking. You're out the door." He smiled at her words and laughed before kissing her, this time a little deeper. He'd missed her so much. But when he pulled back she looked at him seriously. "No, I mean it." And she did. Her eyes showed such conviction. Like none he'd ever seen from her before. He nodded slowly before drawing her into his arms. That was a condition he could live with.

TBC...