F ~ Flowers

November 20, 2017

The sound of a siren reached my ears, making me groan in annoyance. The noise became louder, coming closer. I was still half asleep as I subconsciously realized where the sound was coming from.

Cops…

My eyes snapped open and I bolted upright, gasping for breath. I slowly became aware of my surroundings and had to blink a few times to get adjusted to the bright light shining through the bedroom window. The noise seemed to disappear and became less shrill as a police car drove past the house. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. They weren't coming for me. I wondered when this feeling would pass. Although it was two and a half years ago since I was released from prison, I was still suspicious and anxious. Every fucking day I was scared the police would barge into my house to arrest me again.

I grabbed my glasses from the nightstand and pushed it up the bridge of my nose, as my other hand reached under the pillow to pull out my phone. Judging by the rays of sunlight peering into the room, it must have been late. I glanced at the alarm clock and practically jumped out of bed. "Fuck, fuck, fuck," I muttered under my breath. It was already 11.15 a.m.

I opened the closet to grab a pair of black skinny jeans and a denim shirt and made my way into the bathroom, turning on the shower. The warm water soothed my tense muscles, as I thought about last night's events. The last twenty-four hours had been the most bizarre and intense hours I had ever experienced in my life. I could hear Piper's piercing screams still ringing in my ears, it didn't seem to end. She was in so much pain and had lost so much blood, that she instantly fell asleep as soon as the whole ordeal was over, a little after 5 a.m. I sat down next to her bed, holding her hand for the entire time. Two hours later, she woke up and ordered me to go home to get some rest. I didn't want to leave her, but she insisted on it and kicked my ass out of the hospital. As soon as I stepped into our house, I realized I was incredibly tired and silently thanked Piper for sending me home, but I would never admit that to her. My body was still exhausted, but I wasn't too surprised. I only slept for three hours and needed much more sleep.

I turned off the shower, dried myself with a towel, put on some clothes and threw my wet hair up in a messy bun. I didn't bother to apply eyeliner, my face looked like a train wreck and makeup wasn't going to save me. The bags under my eyes were prominent and my eyes were bloodshot.

Fifteen minutes after I woke up, I walked down the stairs, grabbed my car keys from the kitchen table and left the house. It was only a ten-minute drive to the bakery, where I bought a few sandwiches for Piper and myself. I wasn't sure if Piper would be hungry, but I wanted to give her the opportunity to eat something. After I paid for the sandwiches, I walked over to the flower shop to buy a big bouquet of red roses, those were our favorite flowers. I always gave Piper roses if I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, how deeply I cared for her. Sometimes, my mouth failed to speak those words out loud. As soon as I left the shop, snowflakes fell onto my leather jacket. Normally, I hate snow, but it didn't seem to bother me today.

I parked the vehicle in the hospital's parking lot and tried to concentrate on my breathing. A nervous feeling unfolded in the pit of my stomach. I secretly hoped Piper would look a lot better than last night. After taking a few deep breaths, I made my way into the building, walking the stairs to the tird floor. Room 307… I remembered. Before I realized it, my feet walked through the door and my eyes locked with hers.

"Alex! You're here already? You haven't slept for more than three hours." I could hear the concern in her voice. Her face was glowing and the pink color in her cheeks was back again, but she was still attached to an IV pole. My legs carried me towards the left side of her bed and kissed her full on the mouth. It was an emotional and loving kiss and when I was about to pull away from her, her hand grabbed the back of my neck, pressing her lips harder onto mine. "Pipes," I breathed against her lips. "I've got sandwiches." She released me from her grip and a grin formed on her face, causing me to chuckle.

"You're hungry love? I can imagine. You've worked so hard last night." I handed her a sandwich, wich she eagerly put into her mouth, moaning at the taste. "I've bought you flowers," I whispered as I laid them on her bedside table. "I'll aks one of the nurses if we can borrow a vase."

"Thank you so much Al, they're beautiful," she beamed at me.

I walked around her bed and peeked into the plastic bassinet atttached to her bedside.

"Goodmorning beautiful," I cooed to the sleeping baby. My hand touched the top of her little head, carefully stroking the soft tufts of blonde hair covering her scalp. "I've missed you."

I was still in disbelieve of what had transpired over the last few hours. A whole new responsibility rested on my shoulders since last night. I had fucked up so many things in life and got a second chance. But this time …. this baby depended on me and I would get only one chance. One chance to do this right. I couldn't erase the bad decisions if I screwed this up too.

"You can hold her, Al," Piper's gentle voice filled the room. The last time I held a baby was almost twenty years ago. I tried to hide the fear that unfolded in my stomach, but it was no use. Piper seemed to notice my nervousness as she continued to encourage me. "Don't be scared, I'm sure she loves to sleep in her mother's arms."

A pink blush appeared on my cheeks, as Piper spoke the inevitable out loud. Mother… the word sounded surreal. I didn't want to have children until a few years ago. They scared the hell out of me, I just wasn't the motherly type and had never experienced any maternal feelings. It was during the riot at Litchfield that I seriously thought about the subject. I felt the urge to play house with Piper in those three days. I even created an imaginary bedroom with an actual reading nook for Piper, and I enjoyed it … enjoyed it a lot. Maybe I was craving stability for the first time in my life. Piper had always been open about her desire to have children and I had made it very clear that I didn't want to be a mother, but she never tried to persuade me into having them. The more I thought about babies during those days, the more I got used to the idea of us becoming parents. We were relaxing in a digger bucket, gazing at the glittering stars, as I nervously brought up the issue. I felt extremely vulnerable when I expressed my new feelings about the delicate subject to her. The sudden change in my future plans definitely surprised her, but she just kept listening and calmly asked the right questions, encouraging me to open up to her. After a few hours, we finally fell asleep in the digger bucket, as the sun started to rise.

"N..no, I'll probably wake her up," I stammered as the lame excuse left my mouth, but Piper knew better. I adjusted the blanket that was covering my daughter, putting it up to her chin. "I can't believe she's finally here, Pipes."

It had been one hell of a ride. We wanted to have a family soon after we got married, but didn't know where to start. One night, Matt, my best friend for nearly twenty-three years, was visiting us and offered to be our donor. He and his husband didn't want any kids in the future, but had talked about helping us out to fulfill our dreams. I instantly refused, I surely didn't want to think about Matt's manly fluids impregnating my wife. He was my childhood friend for fucks sake, but Piper pointed out that we didn't have any other option. I needed a week to get used to the idea and agreed on Matt being our donor. Shortly after that, Piper was ovulating and our journey began. I can still picture our first try. Piper was lying down on the bed with her hips raised up on a pillow, while I inserted the semen into her, using a syringe. It was such an awkward situation and we ended up in a fit of nervous giggling.

All those crazy years I served the cartel and spend time in prison, it was easy compared to this. Piper didn't conceive easily and grew more depressed each time her period arrived. She became obsessed with getting pregnant. It was the only thing she could talk about. I didn't like this version of her, but maybe I just didn't get it. I never wanted to get pregnant and carry a baby in my womb, this whole biological urge was completely unfamiliar to me and I couldn't wrap my head around it. So, I decided to just bite my tongue and give her all the comfort she needed after every failed attempt. On a regular Wednesday night, Piper insisted on taking me out for dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant. After we ate some appetizers, she gave me a little white box, wrapped in a dark green ribbon. I opened it and found a pair of baby socks and a positive pregnancy test inside. A wave of shock rushed through my body like fireworks. After nine agonizing months, my wife got pregnant and we were ecstatic.

We were floating on cloud nine, until her tenth week of pregnancy, the doctor couldn't find a heart beat. I had never seen Piper so devastated and broken in my entire life, but she quickly decided that she wanted to try again. It didn't sound very appealing to me, I didn't want to see Piper going through all this disappointment again. I wanted to refuse and convince her to stop trying, but as soon as she reminded me of her desperate need to get pregnant, I gave in.

It was like Piper's uterus finally realized what it needed to do, because she got pregnant again after just two inseminations. I was so relieved. This time, everything went well, the little lady inside her was alive and growing. But then, one night in July, I went through something horrific, an encounter that shattered my soul into a million pieces. I had never allowed myself to get affected by all the events in my life, I always stayed strong. But that particular night changed me for ever and I hate to talk or think about it. The whole situation had an immense impact on Piper too. She was under a lot of stress. The baby didn't kick as much as she was supposed to and the size of my wife's belly was not following the curve of the growth chart. The evidence was in front of my eyes at this very moment.

"God Piper, she's so little," I whispered. She shook her head and tears welled up in her eyes. "I know, I'm so sorry." Fuck, she interpreted my words the wrong way. "Don't be so hard on yourself babe, and besides, it's all my fault you know," I said, trying to make her feel better.

"Al, please. We shouldn't be talking about this right now okay? She may be little, but Alice told us she's very healthy and we can take her home tomorrow."

Just as Alice's name rolled off Piper's tongue, she walked into the room. "Hi Alex, did you have a good sleep this morning?"

I nodded at her, still staring at my daughter's beautiful face. Alice was Piper's nurse and was so good to her during the delivery. She had dabbed my wife's sweaty face with a washcloth and soothed her through the pain, assisting Piper by putting her knees up to her chest when she needed to push. She was the best supporter anyone could wish for. Me on the other hand… I was the worst. I just stood there, glued to the floor, while Piper almost crushed all the bones in my hand. I can't remember feeling anything, my eyes were focused on the man standing between my wife's legs, violently tugging on the vacuum extractor attached to our baby's head. Piper was screaming so loud, it took all of my willpower to not punch the guy in the face. I constantly had to remind myself that he was helping her, not assaulting her, and that it would all be over soon.

"Have you tried to hold her again?" Alice continued. I shook my head. I had only held our daughter for two seconds right after she was born, but quickly handed her back to Alice. I was too scared, she looked so fragile in my hands and I didn't want to screw it up.

"You should try again. Maybe you can take off your shirt and sit in the chair over there? I'll take off your baby's clothes and place her on your chest. Some skin-to-skin contact will do you both some good. She'll recognize your smell and touch the next time you're holding her. Both of you need some bonding time to get used to each other." She said those words without taking any pause in between the scentenes and it made me wonder how many times she told this story to convince new, self-conscious parents like myself to hold their newborns.

"Al, that sounds really good, don't you think?" my wife tried to encourage me, placing a hand on my forearm. No, it didn't sound good. I would fuck this up the second she's in my arms.

"Yeah, I guess," I whispered, not fully convinced.

"Great! Take off your shirt and get comfortable in the chair please." Alice was definitely enjoying this more than I was.

I turned towards Piper, whispering softly so Alice wouldn't hear. "Pipes, she's so innocent and pure. I don't want to hold her." I hoped Piper would understand the underlying fear immediately, but she didn't.

"What! Why?"

"I'm still dirty Pipes and I'm going to …" but before I could complete my sentence, Piper interrupted me.

"Alex, stop it right there! I don't wanna have this conversation. Again. And especially not now. Please take off your shirt and hold our child," she ordered.

I turned around and unbuttoned my shirt, while Alice undressed our baby. Our little girl didn't appreciate the tugging on her clothes and started wailing. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to take off my bra too, but I really didn't want to, so I just kept it on. I settled into the chair, trying to be as relaxed as possible, wich was not an easy task while my baby was crying so loud. The nurse walked up to me, fixing her gaze on my skin. I wanted to glare at her, ask her where the fuck she was looking at, but I knew I couldn't blame her. Although I was making a lot of progress with Susan, I still occasionally washed myself with the rough side of a sponge on bad days, turning the skin red, raw and irritated. Alice wasn't the only one who was staring at me, I could feel Piper's eyes burning into my skin. I didn't want to look at her … didn't want to see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes.

Alice placed my daughter onto my chest and covered us up with the baby blanket. I instinctively placed my hands on her small body, supporting her back and head. She immediately stopped screaming and buried her face in the crook of my neck, falling asleep once again.

"I think she likes you," Alice smiled "I'll leave you two by yourself now," she whispered and left the room. My nose brushed against my baby's crown, she smelled so good. I subconsciously pressed my lips against her forehead, while my thumb caressed her little ear. She was so warm and so little and soft. I was overwhelmed by the raw emotion and could actually feel my heart expanding a few inches.

Piper took a picture with her cell phone, but I didn't bother to look into the camera. My eyes were fixed on the little human resting against my chest. My confidence rose higher, maybe I wasn't as bad at being a mother as I initially thought.

"I just finished nursing her before you arrived. She's probably very full and isn't going to wake up anytime soon," Piper said in a hushed tone, breaking through my bubble. I know it's childish, but I couldn't help but feel a little left out.

"So, I've missed my daughter's first feeding moment?" I snapped at her, but instantly regretting my words, as Piper's face hardened. Fuck, I was so tired and grumpy due to the lack of sleep.

"She was hungry Alex, what do you expect? Did you really wanted me to wait until you came back? Try to be happy about the fact I managed to breastfeed our girl. It's not something that comes naturally to every woman you know," her voice was dripping with aggravation.

She was right and I knew my own wishes and needs would come in second place from now on. Our daughter was our top priority. "Yeah, you're right. You're such a good mom Pipes," I mumbled, making eye contact with her for the first time since I sat down into the chair. She gave me the most loving smile in response.

"So, you've quite the appetite huh?" I cooed to the little infant cradled on my chest, as my eyes focused on her again. I couldn't take my eyes off her. She was still asleep, breathing rapidly, trying to take in as much air as her tiny lungs would allow.

"You've done it again, Al. I thought you were doing better," she said, referring to the skin of my arms, chest and belly. Her voice sounded genuinely concerned, wich made me feel extremely guilty.

"I am doing better, but I still have bad days."

"You need to open up to me if you don't feel good sweetheart. I'm your wife, you can tell me everything. When is your next session with Susan? Maybe we can go together?"

Susan had already suggested that I should bring Piper with me. But the idea of telling Susan all the details of that night with Piper in the room, made me feel sick to the stomach. I didn't want Piper to realize I was disgusting. It would only give her a reason to leave me again. I needed to change te subject as soon as possible.

"Are you sore?" I asked my wife tentatively. I didn't really wanted to know the answer. I hate seeing Piper in pain.

"Yeah, the stiches are too tight and I feel like I'll never be able to walk again." I noticed she didn't want to talk about it either. I swallowed the bile that rose in the back of my throat, as the memory of last night resurfaced in my brain once again. She had begged me to help her. "Please Al, it hurts. Make it stop." But I couldn't, I couldn't do anything and I had never felt so powerless. The only thing I could do was stand there, frozen to the spot, dissociating. I had lost all the ability to move or talk, until the event was over. I would never do this again. This was our first baby and definitely our last.

"We still have to name her, Al. This is getting a little embarrassing."

It was true. It was getting a little awkard. I had called Carol while I was in the car this morning. I told her the happy news and she sounded genuinely excited for us and had asked about the name, but our daughter was still nameless, wich made me uncomfortable. Piper and I have a different taste in baby names. We had already picked a name for a boy during Piper's first pregnancy, but kept arguing over a girl's name and we still hadn't decided.

"Maybe we should give her the name we chose for a boy," I chuckled.

"Jesus Alex, I'm not giving my daughter a boys' name," Piper said, rolling her eyes. "I'm sorry Diane, no offense," she whispered, folding her hands in front of her and looking up to the ceiling.

I let out a hard laugh, causing my daughter to stir in my arms. My body immediately froze, unsure of what to do. The baby's eyelids fluttered open as she tried to focus on the face in front of her. My eyes locked with hers and I was surprised by their crystal blue irises. Her bottom lip started to tremble and I was sure she was going to cry in a matter of seconds. I instinctively rubbed my hand up and down her back and kissed her temple. "Shhh, it's okay, you're safe. Please don't cry," I soothed. What the fuck was happening to me? When did I turn into such a caring and loving woman?

She seemed to recognize my voice and closed her eyes again, sucking on her left wrist. My body relaxed and sank further into the chair. The baby's right hand twitched against the skin of my upper arm, softly scratching my tattoo with her little fingernails. I looked down at the little hand that was partially covering one of the roses on my arm. A sudden wave of excitement exploded in my belly, as my gaze quickly focused on the bouquet on Piper's bedside table.

"Rose…", I whispered, testing the way the name sounded coming out of my mouth. It fitted her perfectly.

"I can't hear you, love." Piper must have heard me mumble something inaudible.

"What about Rose? I think it suits her." I didn't dare look at her, too afraid she didn't like the name. I could actually hear Piper thinking and suddenly she opened her mouth to speak.

"I love it, Al."

My head snapped up to look at her. "You do?" A huge grin appeared on my face.

She nodded at me with a warm smile. "I do, I also love the fact that it's similar to your mom's middle name. I'm sure our baby will blossom into a strong and independent woman, if we name her after Diane."

I didn't even think about that. Piper was right. My mom's middle name was Rosalie, wich also means 'rose'. That's why I got my tattoo in the first place. Roses reminded me of my mother. I didn't realize tears were flowing down my cheeks until Piper's gentle voice filled the silence.

"You miss her don't you?"

I did. The longing in my heart was almost unbearable. She wouldn't be here if I needed advice about my daughter. She was never going to see me in my new role and make fun of me. She would never meet my child. My child would never meet her. I wasn't the jealous type, but I felt extremely envious towards Carol since Piper found out she was expecting.

"Don't worry Al, we'll show her pictures and tell her all the stories about Diane."

I wanted to run towards her and kiss her deeply, but I wasn't feeling the confidence to stand up with such a little human being in my hands.

There was a knock at the door and Alice walked into our room, coming towards me and took the baby from my arms. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just hormones," I joked, wiping the tears from my eyes. Alice dressed our baby and put her in the crib beside Piper's bed, as I buttoned up my denim shirt. "Did you enjoy the skin-to-skin time Alex?"

"Yes, it was very special." A blush spread across my cheeks as I said those words out loud. I didn't knew why I was slightly embarrassed, but maybe it was because I wasn't familiar with expressing so many feelings in just twenty-four hours.

"She needs feeding in about an hour. I'll come back by then and help you Piper," Alice said while checking Piper's IV drip. She left the room and I walked over to my wife. She shifted on the bed, making room for me. I climbed onto the mattress, resting my head against Piper's shoulder, stroking her empty belly. The skin was a little saggy, but it didn't matter to me. I was so proud of her and felt physically attracted to her anyway.

"So, Pipes, our daughter's name is Rose Celeste Chapman?" I asked, desperate for a confirmation.

A pair of soft lips pressed against the top of my head, she removed the hair tie from my hair and tangled her fingers into the black strands. I snuggled further into her side, closing my eyes. I was completely exhausted.

"Yes, it is."

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A/N: I'm a sucker for drama haha. A huge thank you to vausesandspanishharlem, ejm137, maryska and 'guest' for reviewing. I constantly want to delete this story while I'm writing a chapter, that's how self- conscious and nervous I am about my English and writing skills, but I really want to have some fun with this fandom. So… thank you so much for encouraging me to continue!