Chapter 6 – The Engagement Party
Roy sat up in bed and stared at his stomach in speechless horror. He blinked, took a deep breath and sat still with his eyes squeezed shut, but there it was again, the feeling of movement inside him, like a huge butterfly slowly fluttering its wings. This is unbearable! Something is moving inside me and I can't control it! Argh! His mind immediately produced Ed's grinning face. Yes, Fullmetal would definitely find this endearing! Roy sighed, hanging up the receiver before the call went through. If he won't call me, I won't call him! I real man should be able to handle pregnancy without anybody's help. But then the baby moved again and Roy, sensing another wave of panic, quickly dialed the number.
"Colonel Mustang! Finally! What time is it?" Riza moaned, glancing at the clock that read 12AM. "You haven't returned my phone calls in weeks! How are you feeling, how's the baby?" She listened to a stream of exotic curses and smiled in relief. This idiot has no clue how much the guys and I worry about him!
"You're a woman Lieutenant, aren't you? The kid, damn, why won't it stop rolling? You've got to do something about this!"
"You're not making any sense, Sir, take a deep breath and tell me what's wrong with your stomach."
"I was laying in bed, minding my own business when-"
"Yes… Roy, you sound hysterical, listen to me, babies do that naturally," Riza rolled her sleepy, barely open eyes. "You're almost five month pregnant and you haven't read a single page of that pregnancy book I gave you, have you, Colonel? What do you mean, WHAT book?! Listen to me, babies begin to move around at about 18 weeks…No, a glass of brandy won't stop it! Yes, a hot shower will probably make it worse!"
Men are SO ridiculously helpless! Riza sighed, sitting out of bed.
"Do you want me to come over, Sir? No, there's nothing I can do about the baby kicking, but I can make sure YOU don't do anything stupid, like drink brandy. Roy, just try to calm down, the more you get worked up the more the baby will kick. I understand it's a creepy feeling…Just lie still, you'll get used to it and it won't be so unsettling."
"Yes Lieutenant, you should come over," Mustang agreed, fearfully rubbing his swollen stomach. If he didn't feel pregnant before, he certainly felt it now and each time the baby moved inside he broke out in cold, panicky sweat. "I'm still in need of that feminine consolation you DENIED me at the hospital!" he complained. "A good orgasm will remind me that my body is still mine."
"I'll pretend you didn't just say that, Colonel!" Hawkeye yelled in disbelief. "May I remind you, Sir, that your addiction to orgasms is exactly how you ended up with that scary kicking baby in your belly to begin with! Don't even THINK about using sex to deal with your pregnancy blues! Call Edward if you're horny! He can't get you any more pregnant than you already are!" Hawkeye slammed the phone down, cursing. "He's five months pregnant and horny, can you believe that?" she demanded of her dog.
Oh who am I kidding? This is exactly why men shouldn't get pregnant – they can barely handle their bodies as it is! I have no doubt the Colonel's on his way to pick up floozies and drink booze like I told him NOT to. And because Edward decided now's a good time to start acting like a child and to shirk his responsibilities, I have to be the one to deal with Mustang's pregnant antics at 12AM on a cold rainy Wednesday night! This ends tonight, Hawkeye decided, groping around for the phone.
"Alphonse?" she said sternly into the receiver. "I know it's late, but GET your brother now! I'm going on a very important mission and I need both of you to join me. I want Ed in my car, alive or dead! Hogtie him if you have to. You'll find out what this is about when we get to where we're going!"
Cold and rainy weekday nights were rarely busy at The Palace, Mustang's favorite bar that served as a front to Central's most exclusive brothel. The girls were playing cards and sipping Champaign when Mustang nonchalantly strode through the door.
"Long time no see, little Roy," Madam Christmas, the brothel's owner, smiled at her foster son from behind the counter. "Elizabeth's your favorite, right? Like I promised, this one's on the house."
Roy sniffed the fat glass of brandy that Madam poured for him and immediately sat it back down, feeling the baby roll and kick inside his belly again. I will NEVER get used to this! Another person, living, MOVING inside my body! What horror! Madam Christmas continued to polish a wine glass with a cloth, observing her foster son.
"Have you been doing well?" Madam inquired with that all-knowing look Roy dreaded.
"No, I'm not doing well at all. I…I'm going to have a kid," Roy confessed. The woman didn't look surprised at all.
"No shit, pardon the crude expression dear," the lady winked at Mustang from beneath her dark eyebrows. "You look very pregnant, and by the way you keep looking down at your belly, the baby just started to kick and it's freaking you out. Let me guess, you're here to cheer yourself up?" Roy smiled, relaxed somewhat. Madam Christmas was the only mother he had ever known, and she knew him so well it disturbed him sometimes, but her love was so reassuring now. His pregnancy would've been hard to explain to any other parent.
"Here's to your health, my little Roy," Madam said nonchalantly, throwing the brandy down her throat. "Here, I'll let you have only one sip of liquor since you're carrying my grandbaby. Are you sure you're not carrying twins by the way? You look like you might be."
"Unbelievable! So you knew this was possible all along and you never thought to warn me?!" Roy's eyes widened in amazement. Madam Christmas laughed whole-heartedly, caressing his cheek with her long, manicured fingers.
"You never told me that you fancied men as well as women," she shrugged. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to worry you."
"Well, I'm worried plenty now that I'm five months pregnant and the damn kid won't stop kicking me," Roy sighed. "The military treats me and the child as research subjects, the man in charge of me is a criminal lunatic, the baby's father won't talk to me AND my Lieutenant lost all her patience with me tonight. With this pregnant belly I can't even show my face to my men, let alone command their respect. I've never felt this alone in my life, Madam. You should've warned me that pregnancy could be such a bitch!"
"Feeling the blues, handsome? Why don't you let us see if we can get the baby to quiet down for you!!!" The ladies, dressed in exquisite lingerie and elaborate silk robes made a half-circle around Mustang, kissing and fondling him from head to toe. Their interest in his belly was almost feverish, as they took turns caressing his stomach.
"A man that can bear children is a god!" Madeline exclaimed. "How sexy is that?!"
"Marry me, Colonel, I'll be yours forever!" cried Elizabeth, gently fondling Roy's shoulders. "Is your blond friend the daddy? Oh this little one is going to be a beauty!"
"Here, have a sip of brandy," Katrina whispered, handing Mustang a glass and removing her bra. "Your stomach looks so heavy already, your back must be killing you, you poor thing!"
"Colonel Roy Mustang, five months pregnant, neck-deep in floozies, and caught red-handed with a glass of brandy in his hand." Mortified, Mustang turned his head to see Lieutenant Hawkeye, drenched to threads from the rain outside but relieved to have found him.
"I HAVE lost all my patience with you, Sir, but that doesn't mean I've given up on you! You protected me with your last breath when that Homunculus bitch was about to kill me, did you honestly think I won't be there for you now?" Riza embraced Roy without waiting for his answer. "Don't you dare to block us out of your life again, you pregnant fool! You need our help, admit it…now GIVE me that glass of brandy!"
"Who's US?" Mustang narrowed his eyes.
"Us means us, chief," Breda grinned, stepping out from behind Hawkeye, "Denny, and Falman, and I! We think you're the bravest man on earth for going through with this pregnancy! It's impossible not to respect someone with such strong nerves!"
"And you know we all hate Shou Tucker and will do what we can to get you off his hook!" Falman smiled, "you should've asked us for assistance, Sir, that's why we're here."
The men were staring at Roy's rounded swollen stomach with unmasked curiosity, but there was no disgust or unease in their eyes, only good-natured surprise and endless loyalty. They grinned like children when Mustang permitted them to rub his belly for good luck. These fools really do love me. I can do no wrong as far as they're concerned. Hell, I can probably grow a second head and they'll just think I look better that way!
"Since Roy is so fond of cozy brothels, can we have your place to ourselves for tonight?" Hawkeye turned to Madame Christmas. "To celebrate the engagement party?" Madame winked with a huge smile.
"What engagement party?" Mustang demanded, "who's getting engaged?"
"My brother!" Al exclaimed. He was holding Edward by the back of the neck.
"Let go of me Al!" Edward was hissing.
"GO to him!" Al hissed back, pinching his sibling, "or I'll KICK you to him! Don't be a jerk brother, that's my little niece or nephew we're talking about! You can't keep avoiding each other like you've been doing! Grow up!"
"I'm going, I'm going!" Ed cried after Al gave his backside such a hard kick that he nearly landed in Roy's arms.
"I owe you so many apologies Colonel that I won't even try to say them all," Ed said without looking at his lover. He stuck his hands in his pockets and stared at his shoes. "I'll just stand still, and you can fry me medium rare. I deserve that."
"I would fry you right now," Mustang said with a little smile, "but being a calculating jack-ass that I am, I figured I'll be entitled to widower's benefits if I quietly poison you AFTER we're officially engaged." Edward looked up to see his lover's large onyx eyes laughing at him.
"I take it you're still interested in ruining your life by becoming engaged to me then?" Edward smiled excitedly. "I didn't think you'd forgive me for walking out on you like that."
"I'm really horny and desperate," Roy shrugged. "Hawkeye won't let me have sex with anybody but you! So yes, I'll forgive you but with one condition…you owe me a blow-"
"Save the nasty details for the bedroom, you dog!" Riza groaned. Ed and Roy exchanged dirty smiles. They held each other in a long embrace while the rest of the guests cheered.
"Last I saw you you weren't showing at all... I can't believe the baby's really moving inside you?" Ed carefully placed his cool fingers on his lover's stomach. "How do you really feel about all this?"
"A lot more calm now that I am not alone," Roy shrugged, blushing a little from all the attention. "I have a much bigger family than I ever imagined," he added, surveying all the Champaign glasses that were raised in his honor.
"Guess I better get to know the girls if I'm going to marry you," Ed grinned, lovingly caressing Roy's heavy stomach as the couple settled in the back of the waiting car. "If being five months pregnant didn't stop you from being such a shameless womanizer, pretty ladies will be a part of our life no matter what I do!"
"Unfortunately, so will General Hakuro," Colonel Mustang sighed, also resting his hand on his round belly. "I feel like that bastard's pregnant pet! I can't take a breath without him knowing. He spends heaps of money on feeding and grooming me. He even takes me to Tucker for the appointments, but I don't see what he gets for all his trouble. He's certainly not getting any sexual favors."
"Cooperation is all he wants from you, Colonel," Lieutenant Jean Havoc turned around in the driver's seat to salute Edward and his commanding officer. "Thanks to you my spine is healthier than it ever was, so I made it my mission to snoop around on your behalf as soon as I got released from the Rehab Center. Chimera research is Hakuro's pet project. His goal is to drag you into Tucker's lab every three weeks by coercion or by force, so to him you ARE just a pregnant pet."
"That BASTARD!" Ed punched the car door in frustration. "I saved his ass and his whole family when the terrorists took over the train he was traveling in. And now this is how he repays Roy and me?" Ed rubbed his chin, deep in thought. His fingers ran up and down the curve of his lover's pregnant belly as he considered a dozen of scenarios in his head.
"I don't like that look in your eyes," Mustang said seriously. "Hakuro is a pain in my ass, but you can't just go around killing senior officers Ed!"
"Wait, I know how to get rid of the General without doing anything seriously bad to him!" Al, who until that moment remained perfectly quiet, finally uttered. "Hakuro fears two people the most – the Furor and his jealous wife. I doubt the Furor is our friend on this one, but Hakuro's wife will eat him alive if she finds out that he slept with his junior officer. He'll be forced to leave Colonel Mustang alone to avoid a scandal."
"Oh YES!" Edward exclaimed with an evil grin. "That's perfect. Use his own slimy methods against HIM. You're genius, Al. It's time to give Mrs. Hakuro a call!"