The service ends a little bit after I had spoken and then everybody went to the meeting hall of the church and dished up on the arrangement of food that people had brought. I sit there at a table with his Dad, Mike, Stacy and his best friend who I know as well and we went to college with. I stare at my unappetizing plate filled with different foods and I stab a piece of pasta with my fork and eat it without tasting it. I feel as if I'm in some daze, heck I'm sure I am, because I still haven't registered this even in the slightest. I don't want to accept that he's gone, I don't know how to.

I discreetly lay my hand on my small baby bump and I think of how Thursday I'm supposed to go to the doctor to find out whether I'm having a girl or a boy. It was something we were supposed to do together and he was ecstatic about getting to find out the sex of our baby. Parenting was something we were supposed to do together but now I've been left to do it alone. I feel a weird feeling in my abdomen, a type of moving and I realize the baby is moving and I cry because of that. He isn't here to feel our baby kick and move.

The rest of the day was a blur to me as the lunch continued and then ended before people were due to go to the cemetery. I don't remember hardly any of it as I somehow got through it but I was so tired and exhausted to fully be there and present.

I made my way back to our apartment after all the proceedings had finished and I went straight for the bedroom and I fell asleep as soon as I hit the soft mattress. I wish that I could've woken up having him next to me but I woke up alone in a cold bed before I got ready for the day and my first day back at work or what today would be my class at the college.

I avoided all people's looks and stares that morning as I trudge through the densely packed hallways and I found my way to the classroom and listened to the lecture. I barely remember any of it as I couldn't pay attention but oh well and I find my way to the library afterwards and sit down at a table with my books and heavy laden shoulders. It's hard to be somewhere like the library here, the college in itself or the apartment where there's so many memories that i have of him.

We used to meet up here with friends or later on just us two, to study, do homework and chat together with our cups of coffee and now that's a lost memory and time. I look down at the wood desk and I find the writing he carved a year and a half ago:

A.B & P.M Forever

I sigh and dig out my textbook and worksheet and begin on it and I'm thankful for it taking my mind off things, off everything before I drove to my doctors appointment.

"Do you want to know what gender the baby is?" my doctor asks as I look at the monitor where the baby is moving and a small smile plays on my lips at the sight.

"Uh no, not anymore." I reply and she nods and continues to move the wand along my abdomen.

She does a 3-D ultrasound and it was amazing really seeing the baby in that way with he or she's slightly chubby cheeks and button nose. It's crazy to think that his life is being carried on inside me, in our daughter or son.

Afterwards I go to the store, not the market, to buy some groceries, laundry detergent and that kind of stuff and I took my sweet time as the last thing I wanted to do was go home to the empty apartment. I never could've imagined that my life would turn out like this, it's definitely not something you dream about, it's something you hope doesn't happen to you one day. But yet it happened to me and I still have trouble wrapping it around my head that he's really gone. I wish he was just in the aisle over getting shampoo or something else on this list I hold, but he isn't.

I pay for my things and go home to warm up some Ramen noodles and I watched some movie on tv while eating the bowl of noodles and then I found the carton of chocolate of ice cream I bought and ate some of that. My family has been calling pretty often to see if i'm alright, how i'm doing, if I want company or if I need anyone to come over and help with laundry or something around the house. Which i said no thanks to most but I let a few people come over like Stacy and my two sisters just to spend time with each other but I tried to avoid the subject of Paul in all discussions we had.

I went on with my life the next day as hard as it still is without him and walking past the baby aisle the next day at the store seeing couples smile while picking out clothes made me long for having him back so we could do it together. Going to school was a constant reminder of him and the memories I have of him from this place. I also had to go to his work to collect the things from his classroom and that was one of the hardest things as I took a box and set the pictures of us from our wedding and before then and all the books and writings he had.

"You're Mr. McCartney's wife, aren't you?" a male student asks me as I exit his classroom with the box of things in my arms.

"Yes I am, were you one of his students?" I reply and he nods with a small grin.

"He was a great teacher you know, my all time favorite. He always had the best stories and I remember how he spoke of you sometimes; how happily married he was and how beautiful and funny you are. English was my hardest subject before this year but it came to be my easiest one this year with his help, he always made things easier for me." he says and I nod with a small smile.

"Thanks, that's really nice of you to stay. I agree, he really was a great teacher and you should feel glad to have had him as your teacher, I wish he could've been one of my teachers. He was far more nicer than my high school English teacher." I reply and he nods.

"I do feel very glad, I'm happy to have known him and we all miss him here, a lot." he says and I nod and he leaves to get back to class.

I go home and set his things in our room and lay down on the couch to take a nap and when i wake up I'm confused as things look different and the time reads 6:30 and the date is October 24th when I thought it was 30th. The 24th was when Paul died.