November 21, 2003
Today, it will have officially been a year since my mother's death. I chose to go to Harvard as originally planned. I keep a picture of the three of us, the day of her wedding. I miss her so much. I read the letter everyday. I've learned to deal with it. I got engaged a couple of days ago. Jess and I are living together. In my house. With Luke. He just walks to work from my, our house.
A few months after my mom died, Jess came home and found me in the bathtub, bleeding. I almost died. I wanted to join my mom. I was hospitalized for a week. Doctor Mitchell, now my personal doctor, told me the cut from the steak knife was so deep. He tried to recommend a psychologist. I declined. I lost a lot of blood. Jess cried. Luke cried.
A month later, I downed three bottles of sleeping pills. I woke up in the hospital three days later. Jess cried again. He then gave me the silent treatment for a day. I don't blame him.
I was so depressed, I sought help. Jess couldn't help me, Luke couldn't help, Dr. Mitchell couldn't help so I went to Boston for a week. I AWOL-ed Jess was so worried. I left my phone and laptop at home. I was incommunicado. I went to dad. He helped me a lot.
The day I came home, Jess hugged me so tight. He hugged me and didn't want to let go.
When he finally let go, he took me to a dark place. He told me to stand there for a while. Then he yelled "on!"
When the light's came on, we were at a Tiffany's store.
I told him before that if anyone ever proposed to me it would have to be at a Tiffany's store, just like in Sweet Home Alabama.
He told me to choose any ring that I wanted.
There were so many. So many engagement rings. I chose one that I saw before. When I was four years old, my mom took me to a Tiffany's store and pointed at this one ring. She said that to her, it was the most perfect ring. It was I "the engagement ring". It was still there. I picked that one.
Jess told the clerk to give it and when she took it out and gave it to him, he kneeled down and said, I remember so clearly,
I never thought I'd ever meet anyone that I'd fall in love with. And if I ever did, I never thought she'd be as beautiful, as sophisticated, as caring as you. But you made me realize something, all the days I spent in your room wondering if you'd leave me all alone in this world, you made me realize that I never want to leave you. You made me realize that you are my soul mate. The one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to grow old with you. I want to have the perfect honeymoon with you. I want the perfect family with you. And if you want, will grow old with you, will have the perfect honeymoon with you, will have the perfect family with you. So Lorelai Leigh Gilmore, will you marry me?
I thought about that letter again from my mom. She said the choice of yes seemed so much simpler because she knew that Luke was THE one.
Jess for me is THE one.
"Yes!"
He put the ring on my finger and we kissed in front of all the store clerks. They all clapped and awwww-ed.
I miss my mother so much. I recall all the time what she told me in the letter, Learn to Live, Learn to Love, Live to Laugh and Live to Love.
I cry at home over the fact that she's gone and not coming home. But every time I go to her grave I tell her a happy story. I told her that Jess and I are engaged.
So now I hold a picture of the three of us and I put it under my pillow. I go into the kitchen with a pen and paper. The whole house is quiet. Everyone is sleeping. I open the kitchen light and sit down. Then I start to write.
Dear Mom,
It has been a year, three hundred and sixty five days. I miss you so much. I always pick up the phone and dial 7-7-7 because when I was in pre school, you told me that if I ever wanted to call Whiskey, our cat that died, all I'd have to do is dial 7-7-7. You said that it was the number to heaven. Little did I know, all you did was pick up the other phone and play the recording of Whiskey's purring. I miss you so much. I know you already know that. I just have to tell you. Jess and I decided to get married on December 7. Under a blanket of snow. Winter is your favorite season. You love snow so much, I remember.
I went over to Lane's today. She made me listen to a song called heaven. I'll write the lyrics down. It reminds me so much of you.
It's
been a year daddy Oh I'm thinking
about our younger years We had your favorite dinner
tonight there was only you and me I ate it all
up We were young and wild and free Even though I
don't like carrots Now nothing can take you away from me I
learned how to swim this summer We've been down that road
before I can even open my eyes But that's over
now While I'm under water You keep me coming back for
more Can't you see me? Baby you're all that I
want I started kindergarten this
year Love is all that I need I carry
a picture of us Oh once in
your life you find someone You are the greatest daddy Who
will turn your world around I can
swing on the swing by myself There's a lot that I could
say Even though I miss you pushing
me Cause our love will light the way Can't you see
me? Baby you're all that I want I
miss how you used to tickle me And love is all that I
need Tickle my belly And I found it there in your
heart My belly hurts It isn't too hard to see I try not to cry I've been waiting for so
long Mommy says it's okay For something to arrive I know you don't like it when I cry Now
our dreams are coming true You never wanted me to be sad I'll be standing
there by you I try Daddy but it hurts Baby you're all
that I want Is it true you're not coming home? When
you're lying here in my arms Maybe someday I'm
finding it hard to believe I can visit you
in heaven, okay? And love is all that I need It's time for me to go bed now
I really really miss you
Mommy says your safe
now
In a beautiful place called heaven
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to
believe
We're in heaven
And I found it there in your
heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven
In my Blue's Clues lunchbox
Pick you up when you're feeling
down
Now nothing can change what you mean to me
But just hold me now
When you're lying here in
my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven
We're
in heaven
For
love to come along
Through the good times and the
bad
We're in heaven
And I've
found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in
heaven
I sleep with the
light on
Just in case you come home
And kiss me good night
I
love you so much
I miss you Daddy
Don't you ever
forget me up there okay? I love you mom!
Love,
Rory
Letter # 365
I've written her 365 letters. One everyday since she died.
I fold the paper and put it in an envelope. I walk to the coat room and get out a big box a really big box. And I insert the 365th letter in the box. I go up to my mom's room occupied by Jess.
Luke said he'd take the couch. He said we shouldn't share a room before getting married.
I lay down beside Jess and I hug him.
We fall asleep and I dream, for the first time, I dream about something happy. I dreamed of Jess in a tux and me in a white dress. Everyone is there. I walk to the altar and by the "I do's", my dream is over.
The dream is over.
THE END