This was, once again, written for the lovely ctforget, who won me in the FGB: Eclipse auction. This was supposed to be a 1K bonus for her extreme generosity, but it blossomed into this monster. She's generously allowing me to share this with you. Hope you enjoy.

By way of explanation, the last outtake was posted under Finding Home because I considered it part of the larger story. This is more of a true outtake, hence it posting here.

See you on the flip side.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Bella was out with Charlie so I sat alone at my desk, staring at the large envelope in my hands, not sure if I was ready to open it. Jasper had given it to me earlier in the day and this was the first opportunity I had to look at its contents. I just couldn't seem to get past staring at it.

"Edward?"

My head shot up, my eyes seeking her out. When I found her, standing in the doorway to my office, my whole body relaxed. She was there, as always, showing up when I needed her the most.

I smiled at her and pushed out my chair, gesturing her over to me and putting the envelope on my desk.

When she settled on my lap I gave her a soft kiss on her lips, which relaxed me further and gave me the strength I needed to face what was in that envelope.

"I didn't hear you come in," I said.

"I guess you were distracted," she replied, smiling softly at me

"He found her," I said softly, reaching around her and picking up the envelope.

"Who found – oh," she said, sitting up straighter and looking at the envelope before her eyes met mine.

Her gaze was steady and strong, just like always. "Have you looked yet?"

"No," I replied, my voice soft. I shook my head and dropped my eyes, pursing my lips. "I wanted to wait for you. To make sure..." I tried not to analyze my family, Bella especially, who became downright angry when I spoke to her like a patient, but I had been anxious about what her reaction would be. As supportive as she had always been, asking her to go along with this was almost above and beyond what I should have expected.

She put her hand on the side of my face and looked in my eyes before kissing me lightly on the lips and smiling at me. "Thank you, but I told you I was fine with it, and I meant it. Go ahead and open it."

I nodded and kissed her one more time. "I love you so much," I said.

"I love you, too. Now open the damn envelope."

I pulled out the sheaf of papers and scanned them quickly, Bella and I reading together. Once we were finished I placed them back on the desk, a slight tremor in my hands.

"So what do you want to do?" she asked.

"I don't know," I replied, shaking my head.

"We don't have to decide right now. Let's take some time with it, okay?"

"Okay." I put my arms around her and held her close to me, my mind whirling, but not as bad as it would have been had she not been here.

"Come on," she said, pulling away from me. "Charlie is upstairs napping, why don't you help me with dinner?"

"I'll be right there," I said, grateful for the distraction preparing dinner and being with Bella would provide, and sure that was why she suggested it.

After she walked out I put the papers back in the envelope and put them in my desk.

And there they sat for almost two years.

x-x-x-x

I was nervous; as nervous as I ever remembered being, but I knew I had to do this, that the opportunity had presented itself and if I didn't take it, I might never do it.

I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror, took a deep breath and entered the bedroom I shared with Bella. She was sitting up in bed reading, her body relaxed and her face happy. I hoped she would stay that way after I told her what I wanted to do.

"Bella?" I said, getting in bed next to her.

She held up her finger, her eyes never leaving the page, and I waited patiently for her to finish what she was reading. A moment later she turned to me and smiled, but her face fell once she saw my expression.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Nothing," I said, taking her hand in mine and moving closer to her. "I just wanted to talk to you about something."

"Okay," she said cautiously, putting her book aside and turning to face me.

"There's a medical conference I think I'd like to attend," I began. "In Italy."

"Oh," she said, blinking rapidly. She was quiet for a moment, searching my face. "Are you sure you're up for going back there?"

"No," I answered honestly. "But if you're there with me it might not be so bad." I looked at her hopefully and her face noticeably relaxed.

"Of course I'll go with you. Did you want to do something with the information in the envelope in your desk while we're there?" she asked me.

"I think so," I replied softly, looking down. "I just don't know where to start."

"Maybe we should start with a letter."

My heart started to pound and my limbs felt heavy at the thought of facing my past head on. I looked at Bella, feeling helpless and afraid, and she very gently took me in her arms so that we were laying down and my head was resting on her chest. She ran her fingers through my hair and when I felt calm enough, I spoke softly, my lips brushing against the material of her pajamas.

"Thank you."

She kissed the top of my head but remained silent.

"Will you help me?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Of course I will," she replied. "Let's get some sleep and we'll talk about it tomorrow, okay?"

I nodded against her chest as she reached over to turn off the bedside light. Once we were shrouded in darkness, I went to move away so she could get some sleep, but she stopped me with a soft, lingering kiss on my mouth that soon turned more heated.

"Are you trying to distract me?" I asked as I lifted her pajama top over her head.

"Yes," she said, a smile in her voice. "Is it working?"

"Absolutely," I said, taking off my own shirt before kissing her again, and then forgetting all of my troubles as I lost myself in the warmth and comfort that was my wife.

x-x-x-x

We wrote the letter the next day and while Bella took it to the post office, I visited the travel agent and made arrangements for our trip to Italy. The conference was in May, in Rome, and we were hoping to spend some time in other regions, but exactly where was partially dependent on the letter Bella was posting. So I made our arrangements open ended, hoping that we would have a concrete answer to our inquiry in the two months we had before we left.

I went home afterward, feeling tired and more anxious than I had in a long time, so I was grateful to find Bella and Charlie waiting for me in the house.

"Daddy!" Charlie exclaimed, running up to me when I waked in the front door.

"Hey, buddy," I said, reaching down and picking him up. "What are you up to?"

"Mommy's making lunch. I'm coloring. Wanna see?"

"Of course I do," I said, carrying him to the dining room where he had paper and crayons laid out. I placed him in his chair and sat next to him as he handed me his latest masterpiece.

"That's you and Mommy on the plane. You're going Itly," he told me very seriously. It was crude, but I could just make out the shape of an airplane and two heads drawn in squares on the side.

"Italy, buddy. Mommy and I are going to It-a-ly," I said, slowly pronouncing the last word.

He watched my lips as I said the word and he whispered "It-a-ly" in perfect imitation.

I picked up his picture and placed it back in front of him. "This looks great. Mommy told you we were going away?"

He nodded thoughtfully, picking up a blue crayon and drawing in the sky around the plane.

I watched him for a moment, my heart constricting just a little, his presence in my life a constant source of joy and awe. I knew, somehow, that he was a true miracle and would be our only child. We would happily welcome more children, but in the almost four years since Charlie had been born we hadn't once thought about the date or used any form of birth control, and he was still our only.

"Hey," Bella said, walking in the dining room with a plate in her hand. She placed the peanut butter and jelly sandwich next to Charlie's papers, ruffled his hair and then leaned over him to give me a kiss before turning to me. "I thought I heard you. Are we all set?"

"Mostly. I left the return trip open-ended," I said.

"I spoke to your mom. She'd be happy to have Charlie. I think she's looking forward to it, actually."

"Okay," I said, gripping her hand around the table and pulling her to me. I buried my face in her stomach and wrapped my arms around her, sighing deeply. I wasn't sure I was going to get through this, but having her near me made me think I could, somehow.

Her hands lightly caressed my hair but she said nothing. There was no need, she knew very well what I was going through and how to make me feel better.

"Milk, please, Mama," Charlie said, causing me to loosen my arms from around Bella. She looked down at me, her hand on the side of my face, and kissed me quickly before walking to the kitchen.

I sat there, bereft from her absence, staring at the floor, until I felt a little hand on my leg. I looked up and Charlie was gazing at me with a sad expression on his face, no doubt mirroring me perfectly. Except for his eyes, which were his mother's, he was my little clone, right down to the shape of his face and the color of his hair. He crawled into my lap and wrapped his arms around my neck, his hair tickling my nose. I returned his hug, enjoying his closeness; he was a very affectionate child so him hugging me didn't surprise me. But what he said next did.

"Don't be sad, Daddy," he said quietly in my ear, making me tighten my arms around him as my eyes burned and my throat tightened.

"I'm sorry, buddy. Daddy's fine, I promise," I whispered, a tear slipping down my cheek. Not in sadness, but in wonder that my son could be so empathetic at his age. I loved him so much and hated that this part of my life had to effect him in any way. I wanted him to know the man I was before the war and the torture and the nightmares. I wanted him to know the boy who grew up in a happy family and who fell in love with his best friend and wanted to love her and take care of her forever. I wanted him to know the boy who loved baseball and played his piano joyfully and who laughed and smiled easily. But there was nothing I could do about that now. That boy was gone. My experiences were part of me and they defined who I was in ways I never imagined, and no amount of wishing would make it any different.

Bella and I decided that when he was old enough, we would tell him honestly about that time in our lives. It was inevitable that my nightmares would wake him up some day and he needed to know that what was haunting his father was in the past and wouldn't hurt us in the here and now. He just wasn't old enough yet.

I heard Bella place a glass down on the table and opened my eyes to see her there, silently watching us. I kissed Charlie on the cheek and placed him gently on his feet. "Go finish your lunch," I said, touching his hair gently.

He sat down and took his sandwich in one hand, a crayon in the other, and continued his drawing, his face in full concentration mode. Bella came and sat in my lap, resting her head on my shoulder.

"Better?" she asked.

"Better," I responded, running a hand up and down her arm. And I was.

Until later that night.

I was back in my room in Italy, and it was cold. So cold.

Only this time Charlie and Bella were there with me, and I was panicking that they might be hurt. I searched in vain for a way to escape, to get them out, while Bella sat in the corner, holding Charlie in a tight embrace.

When I heard the door open, I went to stand in front of them, hoping against hope that somehow the guards wouldn't notice my family.

The man who came in was faceless and nameless, but he was menacing. My heart was in my throat and I felt my blood rushing in my ears. I had to fight back, no matter how weak I was. I needed to protect my family, they couldn't be allowed to suffer the way I had. They were too innocent, too precious to be hurt that way.

He knew they were behind me and with inhuman speed he reached behind me to grab them, but I blocked his way.

"I won't let you hurt them." I told him.

"What are you going to do about it?" he taunted.

"I'll kill you before I let you touch my family."

He went for them again and with a strength I didn't realize I had after everything I'd been through, I went for him and wrestled him to the floor. I pummeled him with my fists, his blood covering my hands, which ached from hitting him. But I was powerless to stop. He had hurt me and wanted to hurt my family. He couldn't be given the chance.

"Edward," Bella called, grabbing my shoulder. "It's enough, let it go."

"I can't!" I shouted. "He wants you and Charlie." My fists continued to connect with what was left of his face, time and time again.

"You need to stop," she shouted back. "Charlie and I don't want this!"

"I won't let him get you!"

I continued assaulting him until I couldn't lift my arms anymore and I was gasping for air. I turned to find Bella and Charlie so I could find a way to get them out, but they were gone.

"Bella!" I called, unsure of where they were and afraid that they had been taken. "Bella, where are you?"

I called her a few more times, leaving through the open door and traveling down a long, empty hallway. I was panicked, my heart pounding in my chest as I called her time and again, only to be met with silence. They were gone.

Finally, from very far away, I heard her call my name.

"Edward, I'm here," she said calmly.

"Where are you?" I cried. "I cant find you!"

"It's okay, Edward. Please wake up," Bella's sweet voice pleaded with me.

I wanted to wake up, more than anything. Because if I did, I could be with her again. But I couldn't force my eyes open.

"Edward, wake up," Bella's voice said, more forcefully this time. Her cool hand was on my warm forehead, and I wanted more. More of her touch and more of her voice but I could only get that if I woke up. I needed to wake up.

"Come on, Edward. You can do it."

I turned to the sound of her voice and opened my eyes, sure I would be in the dark and cold. But when my eyes focused, she was there, her face so concerned and sad. She hadn't left me after all.

I grabbed her with a groan and put my arms around her, holding her close, the loss of her so fresh in my mind. "Please don't leave me," I begged.

"I'm not going anywhere," she assured me, softly kissing my neck and holding me tightly. "You're all right."

I continued to hold onto her, not sure where my dream ended and reality began. I only knew her. She was real. My anchor to reality.

When my heart stopped pounding and my breathing slowed, Bella sat up on her elbow so she was leaning over me and took my sweaty face in her hand, running it from my forehead to my cheek. "That was a bad one, huh?" she asked, her voice and her touch a soothing balm to my nerves.

"Yeah," I said, my voice hoarse. "You and Charlie were there...with me."

"Maybe going to Italy isn't such a great idea after all," she said, her hand flat on my chest. "You haven't had one that bad in a long time."

"No, I want to go," I said, turning my head to her and grasping her hand in mine. "I have to face this. I've been thinking that as far as I've come, it's still something hanging over my head. And maybe if I face it fully, then I can really move on. It's something I tell my patients all the time, but I have yet to do it myself."

"Okay," she said softly.

"I'm sorry you have to deal with this," I whispered, pulling her close to me once again.

"Don't say that, please."

"I know. I know what you're going to say. Just let me feel this, okay?"

"Okay," she conceded, kissing my chest and wrapping her arm around me.

Once she was asleep I quietly got out of bed and went to Charlie's room.

He was laying on his side, his thumb planted firmly in his mouth, a look of complete contentment on his face. I hoped he would always feel that way; loved and secure and without worry. I sat there watching him sleep until the sky started to lighten, and then I went back to Bella.

BPOV

Edward was calm and seemingly relaxed until we landed in Italy and it was time to get off the plane in Rome. He was glued to his seat, gripping my hand tightly as everyone else disembarked around us. The stewardess came over to see if she could be of help but I quickly and kindly asked her to give us a minute.

After she walked away, I leaned into Edward and placed a hand on the side of his face, forcing him to look at me. "You can do this," I said softly. "I'm right here. Nothing is going to happen to you." My hands automatically went to his hair, stroking gently. "I'm here," I repeated. "I promise it's going to be fine."

He nodded and took a deep breath but made no move to get up. We sat there for a few more minutes before he looked at me and took my hand in his. "I think I'm ready," he said.

We held hands as we deplaned, through customs, in the taxi on the way to the hotel and as we entered our room. Edward was so obviously anxious and his nightmares had been so bad at home that he wasn't sleeping much, but we were here now and maybe it would be as cathartic as he was hoping it would be. His nerves were putting me on edge too and I hoped now that we were here and safe that maybe we could both relax and get some sleep.

We unpacked and had a light lunch, followed by a long nap, uninterrupted by nightmares.

The conference started the next day and for the next five days, Edward attended seminars in the morning while I did some sightseeing. We met back up every afternoon and we would usually nap, followed by dinner and a walk around the city. Edward was sleeping and seemed relatively unfazed by where we were, but after seven days in Rome the next leg of our trip was upon us and I could feel his anxiety ratchet up.

We decided to take a train from Rome to Liguria; it took eight hours but we had a sleeping car and were able to spend some time relaxing. Edward was still tense, but he seemed almost resigned.

As we got off the train at the Genoa Piazza Principe station, the porter collected our luggage and we told him we needed a taxi before a soft voice spoke from behind us.

"Edward?"

Edward's whole body tensed up as we turned around to be faced with a strikingly beautiful woman who was looking at us with a mixture of curiosity and anxiety.

"Tanya," Edward whispered, holding my hand so tightly that it was painful. But I didn't say anything. I was too busy staring at the woman in front of me. She was absolutely stunning; she was tall and had an air of poise and class about her that seemed completely natural. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help but feel a little inadequate in her presence with my plain brown hair, pale skin and body that was never quite the same after Charlie was born.

She approached Edward, put her hands on his shoulders and kissed both of his cheeks quickly. "It's good to see you," she said, releasing his shoulders.

"You too," he responded to her in almost unaccented Italian. He was returning her smile but holding my hand as tightly as ever.

She looked kindly at me and extended her hand. "You must be Bella," she said in broken English.

I took her hand in the one that Edward wasn't crushing and smiled at her. "I am. It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Burlando," I responded in Italian

Once her surprise at my Italian passed she laughed softly and released my hand. "Call me Tanya, please," she replied in Italian. "Your Italian is very good."

"Thank you, he taught me everything I know," I said, looking over at Edward.

He lifted our clasped hands and kissed my fingers softly. "That's not true and you know it," he said, his face losing some of its tension as he looked at me.

I smiled back at him and bit my lip just as a porter came with our luggage. Tanya told him brusquely in to have all of our bags taken to our hotel before dismissing him.

"Oh, that's not necessary, we can–." I started.

"Nonsense," she said good naturedly, taking my arm and walking with me, Edward still grasping my hand tightly. "My husband is the Governor of Liguria, they'll do as they're told. Where are you staying?"

"Hotel Splendido," I answered. Edward was looking down and holding my hand. We hadn't expected her at the railway station and I think he was in shock at being faced with her again so abruptly.

"We live along the coast, which isn't far from here. I'll drive," she said, leading us out of the station.

"I'm sorry, Tanya, but we've had a long trip and I'd like to go back to the hotel and rest for a while," I said.

She stopped in her tracks and regarded me closely before her eyes flicked to Edward and our clasped hands.

"Of course," she said, smiling at me. "That was thoughtless of me. I tend to take control of situations; it's a bad habit of mine. I apologize," I had to strain a bit to understand her Italian, but I was pleased with how much I understood.

"There's no reason to apologize," I said kindly.

She took my arm again and started walking us toward her car. "I think you and I are going to get along fine," she said softly, a knowing look on her face. "I apologize again. I haven't always been like this. I know you weren't expecting me but I wanted to make sure you were properly taken care of when you arrived."

"It's all right," Edward said softly as we exited the station. "Maybe it was for the best."

"Come, I'll drive you," Tanya said when we got to her car. It was a large convertible and it was a beautiful day so the top was down. "I have business in the city and I'll pick you up later for dinner if that's all right."

I looked quickly at Edward, who silently gave me his acquiescence. "That would be lovely, thank you," I told her.

She left us at the hotel with promises that she would return in a few hours to take us to her home for dinner and to meet her family.

When we entered our hotel room, Edward immediately rested his forehead on my shoulder, his hands resting lightly on my waist. I kissed the side of his face and put my hands on the back of his neck, waiting him out.

"Is it too late for me to change my mind?" he asked.

"No, we can still back out if you want to," I replied, smiling. "But it wasn't that bad, was it?"

"Actually, no," he said, picking up his head and looking at me. "It don't feel as stressed as I thought I would."

"Good," I said. "We have a few hours until we have to meet her again. Why don't we get some rest?"

"Okay," he said quietly.

I picked up my bag and went to the bathroom, wanting to freshen up after the long train ride. The bathroom was beautiful; it had a large marble tub and shower and a long vanity with a huge mirror.

I gasped when I saw myself. My hair was in complete disarray, I had huge circles under my eyes and my dress was a wrinkled mess. I was the complete opposite of the lovely woman who had met us at the station. Where she was tall and striking and put together, I was short and plain and frumpy. And all of a sudden, my inadequacies were too much for me to bear. That she had seen me like this, when she had been in love with my husband, had kissed him and touched him in intimate ways, made every feeling of insecurity I'd ever had bubble to the surface.

I sobbed before I could stop myself, and by the time Edward came crashing through the door asking me what was wrong, I was crying uncontrollably. All I could think about was that beautiful woman having her lips on Edward, her hands on places only mine ever should have been while she whispered terms of endearment in his ear. Now that I'd seen her, the picture was as clear in my head as it had ever been and I couldn't seem to let it go.

And even though I was sure Edward loved me, the small part of my heart where my insecurity lived was insisting that Edward was so cold to me when he came home because he really wanted to be here with her. That he compared us and found me lacking.

"What happened?" Edward asked again, his arms wrapping around me and holding me close.

But I was unable to answer him, so I let him hold me and I let myself cry.

"Why are you crying?" he asked again when my sobs died down, a look of complete bewilderment on his face.

I just shook my head, trying to smile, but failing.

"Please, sweetheart," he said, pulling me back to him.

"It's just harder than I thought it would be...seeing her. You were with her and she's so beautiful," I cried.

"Oh, Bella," he said softly in my ear, one of his hands moving the hair away from my neck so he could kiss me. "There's never been anyone else for me. You must know that by now."

"I do know," I said, choking back a sob. "But...but–."

"But nothing," he said, taking my face in both of his hands. "I love you. Why do you still doubt me after all these years."

"I don't doubt you," I whispered, looking down. "I doubt myself."

"What does that mean?" he asked softly.

"Look at me. I'm frumpy and plain and ever since Charlie my body isn't the same," I whispered, my voice broken.

"You're kidding me right?" Edward said almost angrily. When I looked up at him his eyes were blazing. "I won't let you do this. You think...Bella, how could you...?"

He grabbed my hand and walked into the bedroom with me trailing behind him. He sat me on the bed and knelt before me, taking my hands in his. "Ever since we went to Hawaii all those years ago, have I ever given you a reason to doubt me?" he asked.

"No," I mumbled, looking down.

"And have I ever done anything to make you feel less that beautiful or desirable?"

"No."

"Do you believe me when I say I love you and want only you?"

"Yes."

"Then what is this, Bella?"

"I don't know," I whispered.

"Don't you do this. Talk to me, please," he pleaded, putting his finger under my chin to lift it so I was looking in the brilliant green of his eyes which were searching mine for answers.

"I...when you came home, did you want...to not be with me?"

"I don't understand what you're asking me. I was a wreck when I came home, you know this. I thought staying away from you was the best thing for you. What are you..." His voice trailed off as his eyes rapidly searched mine until realization dawned. "Oh, no. No, no, no. You don't think...come on, Bella."

My tears started anew as I sat there, his tone of voice adding to my fragile state of mind.

"Oh, shit," he said softly, reaching up to pull me into a tight hug. "My sweet Bella, don't you know by now that I don't see anyone else? I've loved and wanted you and only you since I was sixteen years old," he whispered in my ear. "Why do you doubt me?"

I hummed into his neck, too overwhelmed to say anything. I believed him, truly. But I still felt less than beautiful when compared to the only other woman Edward had kissed and touched.

"Bella?' he said, running his nose from my forehead across my cheek and down my neck. "How could you think that I don't find you the sexiest woman alive? How could you think I wouldn't find every inch of your body beautiful and desirable? Hm?" He kissed me behind my ear and I shivered. "You do things to me no one else has ever been able to do." He lifted his head and looked at me, his mood suddenly somber and his eyes dark. "Need I remind you what blew my cover all those years ago?"

"No," I said, my voice small.

He kissed me then, a kiss that was deep and long and passionate that I felt right down to my toes. "You're ridiculous," he said as he broke away from me and pushed me gently back on the bed. I felt his hardness press into my leg as he began to unbutton the front of my dress with quick, shaky hands. "Do you see what you do to me? No one has ever been able to make me feel the way you do. Ever. I need you to believe what I'm saying."

"I do, " I said, suddenly overwhelmed at how he was making me feel, both my body and my heart. He loved me. Truly and deeply, and it hurt him when I doubted his feelings for me. "I'm sorry," I said, my own trembling hands moving to remove his shirt, desperate for him now.

"Are you sure you believe me?" he asked, lifting me so he could slip my dress off and unhook my bra. "Because five minutes ago you thought I found someone else more attractive than I found you." He was scolding me as he tugged down my underwear, but instead of resenting it, his tone of voice made the tingling between my legs that much more intense.

"I'm sorry," I said again, working his belt buckle open with my hands and his pants and boxers down with my feet. "I didn't mean it."

"It sounded to me like you did," he growled, placing his body over mine. I instinctively opened my legs to him and wrapped a leg around his waist. "And I can't have that."

He thrust into me quickly and I cried out his name, my eyes closing and my back arching. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I believed him and that he made me feel so good, but as he moved in and out of me, the only sounds I seemed to be capable of making were moans and whimpers.

"How is it," he began, thrusting into me, "that you feel better every time? How is it that every time feels like the first time?" His face was over mine, his eyes dark and his jaw tight. "I love you so goddamn much," he said through clenched teeth. "And if it takes every day for the rest of our lives, I'm going to prove it to you. I hate that you doubt me." His voice went from stern to positively broken and it was then that I realized he wasn't angry with me at all. He was deeply hurt.

"I'm so sorry," I said, a single tear slipping down my cheek. Edward's movements stopped almost immediately as his hand cupped the side of my face, wiping my tear with his thumb. He looked at me for a long moment before he gently kissed me under my eyes. His hips began to move again, but this time it was slow and gentle and made my eyes roll back in my head with how good it felt.

"Bella?" he asked, his voice strained.

"I need...oh, God, not yet, please," I pleaded.

Edward propped himself on one elbow reached between us, his fingers touching me where we were joined and sending me into the throes of an orgasm so intense I saw stars behind my eyes. His cries joined mine as he shuddered over me, his eyes closed and his neck muscles straining.

He collapsed on top of me and I held him close, feeling so sorry that I had hurt him. I played with the hair at the back of his neck and whispered another apology. He lifted his head and regarded me silently, his face a picture of hurt and regret and sorrow. My anguish over hurting him made my throat tight and tears build in my eyes. He'd been nothing but devoted to me for years and I had no reason to doubt him.

"I'm so sorry," I said again.

He rolled off of me and took me in his arms. "I belong to you. I always have. Why would you...?"

"I'm a fool. I looked at myself in the mirror and compared to the way Tanya looked when she met us at the station, I just felt...I don't know."

"It sounds to me like even all these years later, you still haven't worked out how you feel about the things that happened while I was away."

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen," I said, wiping my tears and rolling my eyes.

"I know you hate it when I psychoanalyze you, but that doesn't mean what I'm saying isn't true," he insisted.

I took a deep breath and nodded. "You're probably right. Looks like you were more prepared for this than I was."

"It's difficult for both of us," he said. "But I think we only expected it to be for me and that was where we went wrong."

"I'm sorry," I said yet again. "I didn't mean to make this more difficult for you."

"Shhh, you didn't. If it had been me who was upset you wouldn't have expected me to apologize. You're allowed to feel conflicted about this. I'll take you home right now if this is going to upset you. It's not worth it to me if you're going to start doubting me and feeling bad about yourself."

"I love you, and I'm fine," I said, propping myself up on my elbow and splaying my hand on his chest. "I don't doubt you. It was a momentary lapse of reason." I kissed him softly on the lips and then laid my head on his chest.

His arms encircled me tightly and he kissed the top of my head. "You and Charlie are my world," he said softly. "Please don't ever forget that."

"I won't," I mumbled sleepily.

I woke up later to the sun setting and Edward sleeping soundly next to me, his arm thrown over my stomach. I looked at him and wondered why I had been so foolish. We'd been together for seventeen years and apart from the time right after he came home from the war, I had been sure that he loved me completely and unreservedly. I supposed on some level I might always be a little unsure of myself, but if there was one thing in my life that I could take for granted, it was my husband.

I kissed him on the cheek and gingerly moved his arm, hoping to let him sleep a bit longer. I brushed my teeth and then got under the spray of a hot shower, feeling the last of the tension leave my body. My mind wandered to Edward and the way we had made love earlier in the day and my whole body flushed. Thinking about the way he made me feel, it wasn't surprising that I didn't notice Edward peeking at me from the other side of the shower curtain. I jumped when I saw him and my mouth hung open when he stepped into the shower with me.

"What are you doing?" I asked, my eyes as wide as saucers.

"Something I've wanted to do for a long time," he said, smiling and taking the soap from my hands.

When we emerged from the shower twenty minutes later, we quickly got dressed and as I was putting the finishing touches on my makeup, the concierge called to let us know that Tanya was waiting for us downstairs.

"Ready?" Edward asked me, so clearly concerned with my state of mind. But he needn't have worried. Whatever lingering feelings I had about him and Tanya seemed to have disappeared, much to my relief.

"Absolutely," I said, reaching up to kiss him one last time.

x-x-x-x

One the way to her home, Tanya filled us in on her family. We knew much of it already from the information that Jasper acquired for us, but you can't quantify love and pride on a piece of paper, which is what she exuded when she talked about her husband and children. Her husband, Paolo Burlando, was a businessman turned politician whom she met right after she and her family returned to Italy after the war. They had three children, all girls, of whom they were incredibly proud.

But we wouldn't be meeting them today. She told us that all things considered, they thought it best to not have to explain to the girls who Edward was and how their mother knew him. I saw the wisdom in their decision, I wasn't sure I would want Charlie to know about Edward's past until he was much older.

Paolo was in the kitchen stirring something in a large pot when we arrived at the house. He turned to us and his whole face lit up when he saw Tanya. He greeted her first and then turned to me with a large smile on his face. "Welcome to our home," he said in English as he reached down to kiss the back of my hand.

I blushed and smiled, answering him in Italian. "Thank you for having us. I'm Bella."

"Yes, you are," he said charmingly, a twinkle in his eye. I could see why he was a successful politician.

He let go of my hand and he and Edward regarded each other for a moment while Edward squeezed my hand. Paolo eventually held his hand out to Edward and they shook, Paolo putting his other hand over Edward's. Tanya offered everyone wine and we retired out to the back patio where we awkwardly sat making chit chat until Paolo broke the ice, speaking in rapid Italian.

"Look, we all know what happened. I don't think any of us are happy about it, but here we are. I'm sure there were those of us who harbored resentment for years but I know for Tanya and I, we've tried to move past it, which is why we welcomed you into our home. We can't pretend that we're friends, but maybe we can have a pleasant evening and discuss some things to help us all leave the past in the past."

"I'm sorry, Tanya," Edward said suddenly in his perfect Italian. As far as I knew he hadn't spoken it aloud since he'd been here last, but it was still better than mine, even though I taught it for years. "You didn't deserve any of what happened to you. I shouldn't have done it. To Bella or to you."

"It was wartime, you were following orders," she said.

"That's not really an excuse," Edward said. "There was a lot of following orders during the war. Sometimes that's not an excuse."

"Did you have a choice?" I asked, slipping back into English, a little too upset to try to think of the words in Italian. "How could you still beat yourself up about this?"

He shrugged his shoulders and looked at me. "I hurt you, that you forgave me and still love me is nothing short of a miracle. That Tanya and her husband are welcoming us into their home is miraculous. I did a terrible thing."

"There was much worse going on during the war. There's much worse going on today," I insisted.

"I realize that, sweetheart, but what I did do was intentionally and knowingly hurt you and other people. I need to be held accountable for that."

"You were," Tanya interrupted. "I saw what they did to you. You didn't deserve that."

"Maybe, maybe not," he whispered.

"Excuse me?" I demanded. "Are you serious?"

"I just think the universe has a way of righting itself. What I did was wrong. I paid the price."

He shrugged again and looked down and I forgot where we were and who we were with. "So you deserved everything that's happened to you since? The nightmares and the insomnia and the struggle to simply function. And I suppose Charlie and I deserved it too, then?"

"How can you say that?" he asked, stricken.

"How can you?" I asked angrily.

We were staring at each other, eyes blazing, so we didn't notice Tanya come over and kneel in front of Edward, her hand resting on his knee. "Edward?"

He turned to her abruptly, as did I. "If you're saying you deserved it for what you supposedly did to me, as the wronged party I'm telling you, the punishment did not fit the crime. Yes, my feelings were hurt. But what happened to you..." She trailed off and shook her head. "I hated you for a long time. But I also loved you once, as foolish as that was. And despite everything, I know you're a good person. I forgive you."

She took his hand in hers as a tear rolled down his cheek and his other hand reached out for me, seeking comfort. Tanya looked at our clasped hands and his patted his leg before standing up. "Paolo and I are going to check on dinner," she said, taking her husband's hand and going back into the house.

I went to Edward and sat on his lap, holding him as he shivered.

"Do you really think you deserved what happened to you?" I asked softly after he calmed down.

"Sometimes," he whispered.

"Why didn't you ever talk to me about it?"

"Because I knew what your reaction would be and...I don't know, I think maybe I didn't want to be talked out of it."

"So you enjoy wallowing?" I asked rhetorically. "I think it's time you forgave yourself, don't you? It was a long time ago and you've more than paid the price. We all have. Enough is enough."

He laid his head on my chest and breathed deeply for a few minutes before looking up at me. "I would be so utterly lost without you," he said softly, tracing my jaw with one finger.

We looked at each other for a long minute, our silent conversation speaking volumes about our commitment and understanding. We would no doubt talk again about his feelings of guilt, but now wasn't the time. He regretted never telling me and I was sorry I hadn't noticed.

We might have sat there all night looking at each other but a throat being cleared tore our gazes away. Tanya was standing in the doorway, nothing but kindness and compassion on her face. It took me seconds to decide what Edward really needed in this situation. And for once, it wasn't me.

I stood quickly and kissed Edward lightly on the lips. "I'm going to see if I can help Paolo with dinner," I announced, walking away from Edward and past Tanya quickly before I could change my mind about leaving my husband alone with a woman he had essentially dated while we were married.

I helped Paolo by cutting the bread and chopping carrots for the salad. He seemed unconcerned that Edward and Tanya were outside together, which eased my mind considerably, if only because I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable.

We chatted amicably as we went about our work. He told me that they gave the servants the night off, but that he and Tanya enjoyed cooking together, so it wasn't a hardship. He complimented me on my Italian and asked me where I learned it, so I told him all about my troubles with Italian in high school and the help that Edward gave me, and how I picked it back up while he was gone. He had questions about America and I asked about Italy and Liguria in particular, which kept us talking for quite a while.

Tanya came in what felt like much later and I barely glanced at her red eyes and calm face before I went to Edward. His head was resting on the back of his chair and he was staring up at the night sky. He looked over when he heard me; his face seemed battle fatigued, but not unhappy.

"Hey," I said, kneeling in front of him. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I think so," he said, reaching out to touch my cheek. "Thank you for that. You're unbelievably amazing. You know that, don't you?"

I shook my head and stood up. "Come on, let's go have dinner."

Dinner passed quite pleasantly as, if almost by silent agreement, we talked about everything except the war. We passed around pictures of our children and traded stories about them; we talked about our careers and our lives. It was a deceptively pleasant evening and felt almost as if we were all old friends, catching up after being apart for so long. And maybe in some ways that's exactly what we were.

After dinner I offered to help Tanya clear the dishes and Paolo asked Edward if he'd like to have an after dinner cigar and a walk around the property. He looked at me briefly and I smiled at him tentatively, wanting him to know that I would be fine if he decided he wanted to go. He kissed me on the cheek and stepped outside with Paolo, leaving me alone with Tanya.

We scraped plates in awkward silence before Tanya spoke.

"I hated you, you know," she said suddenly.

I didn't know what to say to that, so I went over to the sink and ran the water, intending to wash some dishes.

"I'm sorry, that came out wrong," she said, standing next to me.

"That's all right," I said, picking up the sponge. My face was flushed and I was upset at the turn the conversation had taken, but I also thought I understood where she was coming from.

"No, it's not. I just meant that I loved him and he loved you so it was easy to hate you, even though I didn't know you."

"I wasn't too keen on you either," I said, picking up a dish and looking at her. The shocked look on her face quickly morphed into a huge smile as she burst out laughing. I couldn't help but join her, the tension suddenly broken.

Once our laughter died down I resumed washing dishes while she dried.

"I don't mean to sound condescending, but you're very sweet and kind and just as Edward described you," she said.

"Thank you. And you are just as he described."

"Did he tell you everything…about us?"

"Yes," I said softly.

"I thought that was love. The boys I had been with before were so physical and grabby and Edward was so respectful and kind. I thought that was what love was. But he just didn't want to be there with me. He was doing a job."

I didn't say anything, suspecting she just needed to get this off of her chest.

"Does it bother you to talk about this?" she asked suddenly.

"A little, but it's nothing I can't handle. We moved past this a long time ago. But it's not the most pleasant thing in the world to think of your husband with another woman, no matter the circumstances or how much time has passed."

"No, I don't imagine it is," she began. "But you should know, he was never really there. I didn't see it then; I was young and blinded by my feelings. Looking back, his mind was always somewhere else when we were together. I thought it was him being a gentleman, but the truth was that he didn't want to be there. When he told me about you later, it became much clearer. Seeing you together...well, it all makes sense now."

"I'm sorry," I said softly. I had been told before that Edward and I wore our feelings for each other on our sleeves, but I'd never felt guilty about it until now.

"You have nothing to apologize for. It's a beautiful thing. The difference is so stark. He never looked at me the way he looks at you. His eyes follow everything you do and the way he talks about you, to this day, makes me glad I did what I did."

"I'm sorry that you had to go through any of that."

"Honestly, it took me quite a few years to get over Edward. Not him, really. The situation. It hurt, and I had trouble trusting men for a long time. Even Paolo. I met him almost as soon as we came back to Italy after the war but I would have nothing to do with him. But he waited patiently and when I was ready, he was there."

"He loves you," I said. She looked at me curiously and I blushed. "It's just obvious," I clarified.

"He's a good man and I'm a very lucky woman. We have a good life together and he loves me the way I need to be loved, scars and all. But I don't think any of us have suffered the way Edward has."

I averted my eyes and turned off the faucet, all the dishes washed. I didn't know what Edward told her about his struggles since he'd been home and I didn't want to betray his confidence, so instead of getting into any of that, I said the thing I traveled all this way to say.

"Thank you for what you did for him. For sending him home to me," I said, quickly wiping a tear from my cheek.

"To be honest, I still loved him and even though I was unable to prevent what was being done to him, I couldn't leave him there to die. And the way he talked about you made me want to give him the chance to get home to you." She looked at me with tears in her eyes and I gave her a quick hug, which she accepted.

We pulled apart, both wiping tears, as Edward and Paolo came back into the house. Edward looked at my wet eyes with concern but I assured him with a small smile and a shake of my head that I was fine. He came over to me and put his arm around my waist and I rested my head briefly on his shoulder, the tension leaving my body. And all of a sudden, I was much more than fine.

The prompt for this outtake was "What happened to Tanya?" I couldn't limit that to 1K even if I tried (which I didn't).

Thanks to Lucette21 and LTR, as always. They've been invaluable to me throughout this process.

So, that's it for these two kids. I love them dearly and will miss them more than I can say. Thanks for sticking with me.

My next story is about ready to go and should post soon. Stay tuned.