6. Captain Oblivious
Darren's POV on Chapters 5 and 6 of As a White Knight on His Steed
2002 – 2008
One of the ways in which I hurt Chris (so, so unintentionally) was by being completely unaware of the significance of my feelings for him. He was my best friend, and since I'd never had another best friend to use as a comparison, I just figured that how I felt about him was how everybody must feel about their best friends.
If I wanted to be with him all the time, it was because he was my best friend. If I thought he was the funniest, smartest, coolest, and most amazing person I'd ever met, it was because he was my best friend. If I felt the need to be constantly touching him, it was because he was my best friend. And if my heart sped up whenever we were together, well, that must have been because he was my best friend, too. Right?
The final week of our final year as campers, I almost had a glimpse of something more.
I'd been thrown from my horse and briefly lost consciousness. When I came to, Chris was bending over me, lips close to mine.
As soon as I opened my eyes, he flung his arms around me, crying, "Darren! Are you okay?"
I groaned, then nodded. "I think so," I told him. Then I blurted out, "Were you going to kiss me?"
Chris blushed. "You weren't breathing," he explained. "We learned about rescue breathing in health class, and I thought you needed it."
I had this momentary flash of disappointment, and then I quickly told myself Duh – of course I know about mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Why would I ever think Chris was going to kiss me? I must've hit my head harder than I realized.
And I just pushed the whole episode right out of my mind. Because I'm Captain Oblivious: able to miss a flashing neon clue in the blink of an eye. It's a bird – it's a plane – no, it's Darren, once again failing to notice the massive crush he has on his best friend…
Believe me – you can't be shaking your head over my obtuseness any more than I am. And it only got worse from there.
…
Sometimes denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
When camp ended, I guess I couldn't cope with the fact that Chris and I might never see each other again, so I just didn't think about it. At 12, I'd outgrown my magical thinking enough that I no longer expected him to show up on my doorstep as a tabby, but not enough that I didn't still expect the universe to find a way to bring us back together. Maybe his family would move to San Francisco. Maybe my family would move to Clovis. Maybe an earthquake would cause most of the central valley of California to get sucked down into oblivion, leaving San Francisco and Clovis right next to each other. It could happen.
Well, the years went by, and it didn't happen.
Meanwhile, I managed to remain completely clueless about my sexual orientation. You'd think, growing up as a theater kid in San Francisco, that I would have had enough gay role-models to figure it out. But even in San Francisco, I still lived in a heteronormative world. I mean, my parents were straight, my brother was straight, the overwhelming majority of characters on TV were straight, and at school (Catholic school) it was just kind of assumed that everyone – including me – was straight.
And for some unfathomable reason, I never really questioned it.
Or maybe the reason was Chris.
I know that must sound totally backwards, but let me explain. If I'd ever been attracted to another guy, I'm pretty sure I would have noticed. But I never was drawn to anyone – girl or boy – the way I was drawn to Chris. Which, yeah, maybe that should have given me a clue, but remember, I assumed that was just the way people felt about their best friends.
And yes, I've heard the saying "Don't assume – it makes an ass out of u and me." So apparently I'm an ass.
But at least I'm a lucky ass. 'Cause the universe did eventually find a way to bring us back together.
End Notes: Oh Darren, Darren, Darren… What are we going to do with your ridiculous self? (Well… I, for one, can think of a few things… ;) )
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