Chapter Six

I'm so humiliated. I just want to crawl into a dark hole and never come out so I'd never have to face this shit again. Or Randy and his "I got carried away" bullshit that fucked everything up. Well, maybe not for him but shits certainly turned upside down for me because I'm the one who can't contain himself. I'm the one who's all over the fucking place and confused as hell. Not Randy. Although I'm pretty pissed off at him and I know he hates that so at least I can torture him for a change. Which he so deserves after what he did to me last night. Stupid asshole.

I bring my knees in tighter, huddling into the corner of the couch as far as I can manage. Damn him. Why couldn't Randy just listen for a fucking second and spare us this awkward mess?-! If he'd just stopped my body wouldn't have betrayed me and I wouldn't look like a god damn fool right now. But Noooo. He's just so hell bent on making us look convincing that he doesn't give a damn about what I want. And truthfully? I don't know what I really want anymore. Because the past few days of kissing and touching and humping has my head so screwed up I can't even think. All I can do is relive each touch. Each kiss. And of course, last night when he made me cum and humiliate myself beyond the point of no return. Asshole. I should have fucking decked him, or at least kicked him in the groin since he was just so fucking eager to use it! Randy, the intolerable brute, didn't even give me a choice! HE did what HE wanted and he didn't give a damn about what I thought about it or how horrible it might make me feel. And why do I feel horrible? Why is all of this so fucking hard and awkward? Because deep down, (and I mean really deep down) I-I fucking liked it. A LOT.

I mean, that's why I came like that isn't it? I liked it and so did my body too so...Yeah. I messed my damn jeans right in front of him and then tore ass out of the room because I was so worried he was going to be angry or flip out on me or something. He didn't though. And I'm glad to know that he's sorry for bringing me to that point because he should be sorry but, I'm not really angry with him anymore. In fact it's quite the opposite because now I know how I really feel and now that I do, I'm terrified of him. I'm terrified that he'll be angry. I'm terrified that he'll be disgusted.

And I'm terrified that he'll hate me.

I shiver hard despite the blankets and tuck my head down into my arms because I need to and, I'm tired. I didn't sleep much last night. But, I suppose I could be a little lighter on Randy when he gets home and let him off the hook a bit... But, the question I have now is; how do I let him keep doing things to me if he's, you know, doing things to me? Do I tell him that's why I've been so reluctant in all of this? Do I admit that my nerves and anxiety about our fake marriage is actually stemming from a deep seeded love I have for him? I don't know. I'm so afraid of what he'll say. What if he's disgusted? What if he's so freaked out that he like, hits me and leaves, never to be seen by my eyes again? Fuck man I just can't risk that. And it's not like I can make these feelings go away, I tried that for a LONG while last night. I failed. In fact I failed so badly I let my curiosity get the best of me and spent a couple of hours online looking at things I wanted to do and, so many things I want to try.

I'd never seen two men together (obviously) but last night I saw it. Out of sheer curiosity I went looking for more because I wanted to "test" myself, you know, to see if I was into it. And at first I was pretty timid about it, hesitant to click on the links or various crude pictures flashing across the screen. That is, until I saw something that caught my eye as interesting and I clicked on a link that took me to depths of the world and myself that I've never known. Depths of me where there's NO denying what I want or how I truly feel. I was so cared at first but, last night I wanted those big guys to pin me down and pound my ass until I begged them to stop. I want those men to grab me and consume with their lust and passion! Fuck I wanted it so bad I was closing my eyes, touching myself, bringing myself over again and again and liking it more and more.

I'm so fucked up. I was just curious for fucks sake and the next thing I know I'm practically humping the computer screen just trying to get at some of the action. Humiliating. But also enlightening. I'm as gay as those men on the web getting their kicks fucking each other like wild beasts. I want that. All of it. And I can't believe it's taken me so fucking long to realize that.

It's weird to me though, because now that I know? I feel like I've always known but the realization was just, out of reach. Because I ignored it. Not on purpose but out of conditioning to be a "normal" man. Normal as in married, two kids and the white picket fence scene because that's what my parents had done, and what my parents had hoped I would do as well. I supposed I was blinded out of fear as well. I mean it's not easy being gay in such a small town where everyone knows you and your business and not only that but the small town mentality is like nothing else. It's like people forget that there's a whole world outside of their little town. They never evolve or improve like the rest of the world does, not even their out-dated mindset of the 1950's that being gay is wrong and anyone who "chooses" to be will go straight to hell. But little do they know, this IS hell. This small town bullshit is hell all on it's own and the townspeople? The devil's pawns. Trust slim to no one in a small town. Period.

Which of course means I'm pretty much fucking doomed living here. I'm gay and there's just no room for a guy like me in this town. And beyond that, what about Randy? What will he think when I tell him? And hell WHEN do I tell him? Before the wedding? After? Ever?-!

I lift my head, groaning as the position I'm sitting in starts to make me hurt. I should get up and go to the den, I really want to sit in Randy's chair...I know I'll be able to think there...

I get up, taking the blankets he'd used last night with me and shuffle my way to the den, plopping into his big chair. I sigh as I'm completely enveloped by Randy's scent. It makes me hard. I snuggle myself in the blankets around me, inhaling deep as I press my face into them and settle into his chair. I'm already falling asleep. So much for using this time to think...

But one thing I did work out is, I'm letting Randy back into the room tonight. THAT'S for sure.

"Hey darlin'" A sweet familiar voice came from behind me jerked me out of my sleep. Shit. I must have been out for a while if Randy's home with Samantha already!

"Hey." I manage a sleepy hello as I push the blankets away from my face and rub my eyes. "What time is it?"
"A little after five." She replied and I can't help but smile as Samantha's dainty arms wrap around my shoulders and hugs me back against her chest as she leans over the back of the chair, "Hey, you," She greets and kisses my head. "How you doing in here all by your lonesome?" Sam is so warm and kind to me. I really do like her. "I'm okay." I say as I lean into her arms, "Just watching the storms roll in and out." Lies. I'm moping and she knows it but if Randy told her WHY, I'm going to KILL him. "You sure, honey?" She asks and nuzzles my head and gave my scalp a firm kiss, "Randy said you're not too happy with him right now, everything okay?"

I tense but force a shrug. Okay so he told her I was angry but maybe not as to why. Yet. "Yeah I guess so," I manage a smile even though she can't see me, "Thanks." I don't want to be rude but I also really don't want to talk about Randy right now either but, Samantha's very patient and understanding and she probably already knows that I won't be very forth coming about anything right now. And why would I be? She's Randy's girlfriend, not mine.

"Just making sure." She says and lets out a content sigh, hugging me tighter, "I would feel so awful if you were sitting in here alone and hurting, baby. You'd tell me if you were wouldn't you?" I shrug. "Probably." I'm so lying. I am hurting. But how could I possibly tell Samantha? Sure she'd understand how I could be in love with Randy but I can't exactly lean on her for that. I mean she's Randy's girl, how could I talk to her about how Randy makes me feel? And besides, nothing would change if I did tell her so why put us through that mess? Right now it's safer just to keep my mouth shut and play along. Much much safer. "Come one Cody, you can talk to me, sweetie," She is so kind and I would tell her if I could. "No matter what I'll be here for you and if you need any help don't be afraid to ask, okay?" She squeezes tight, kissing my ear gently, "Because I don't judge you, baby, you know that." I shudder. Is she implying what I think she is? "Sam…"
"It's okay." She whispers, "We don't have to say it."

I reach up and close my hands around her forearms but not to remove the. I need something to hold on to. I don't like where she's going with this. Does she know?-? How could she!-? "What you talking about?"
"I'm talking about you, sweetheart." She continues to whisper, "And how you're coping with all this…"
"I'm afraid, Sam." I admit.
"I know."
"I just want things to go back to the way they were." I add , clutching her tight, "He's my best friend and I don't want to let him down but what if I just can't do this? What if I blow it for him and he gets sent back to Canada? He'd hate me."
"Let me stop you right there. Randy could never hate you. He loves you and he knows you're doing everything you can to help him so if this doesn't work out he wouldn't dare blame you." She pauses and runs her hand soothingly through my hair. God I love her. "No on would, because you did your best and that's all Randy asks of you."
"My best? Hell I don't know what my best is in this case is, Sam. I'm just following his lead." And totally failing! Because of how I feel. Because of how he makes me feel! God I'm turning this into a huge fucking MESS!

"Why is this so difficult for you?" Sam asks bluntly and calls me out with that one question. Why IS this so difficult for me? She wants the truth? Well not to sound cliche but, she couldn't handle the truth. And I know because I can barely handle the truth. "Randy's your best friend, don't you trust him?"
"Of course I do." I assure with a nod. Because I do trust him but, not entirely. Nor do I trust myself. I'm just lost and confused and apparently insane too because I suddenly have these weird feelings for my best friend that are making everything so damn difficult. I shouldn't even have them to begin with when I've never once showed an interest in Randy that way before but now all of a sudden I can't think of anything else. And, I sure as hell can't tell Sam about it! That would be incredibly STUPID. I think.
"Then what's wrong, sweetheart?" She probes and hugs me tight. "Why are you hiding?" Fuck. Am I that obvious? I look away, down to the floor because it feels safer. "I'm just overwhelmed."
"Anything I can do to help?" Yeah, you could leave Randy so I can have him. "No, no I'm alright. No need to worry. I'm sure I'll get to where I need to be before the wedding." LIAR. By then I'll be so flustered and confused that I'll probably pass out standing at the alter. NO joke, I'll faint like a frightened woman who's over reacting to a mouse than ran across the floor...Yeah. I'm so fucking cool, aren't I?

"Are you sure? We can talk about it if you want." She's pushing and as kind as Sam is I can't snap at her, I'd hurt her feelings. And then Randy would be furious. And how would that help? "I-I don't know." I admit, "Talking's not going to fix anything and I feel like I've said all that I can say about this." Another lie. Telling the truth would be a good place to start Cody! Just tell her how you really feel about him!

"Have you?"
"Have I what?"
"Said everything you need or want to say?" Oh, no. But as far as she's concerned I have. "Yeah but it didn't help so I'd rather not repeat it. Randy and I are getting married in a matter of days and I have to be so perfect or I'll blow it and lose him. I'm scared. And when I'm scared I hide to collect myself…No big deal."
"Poor baby. You don't have to hide. Randy and I are happy to help through this." I know. I just don't want them to. I shake my head. "Oh yeah I'm sure Randy would have a blast making out with me again." I mean he seems to but I'm not foolish enough to believe that he actually enjoys it the same way I seem to. Randy is straight, last time I checked...

Sam gently nuzzles my ear with a reassuring squeeze of my shoulders. "He does have a blast, doesn't he? Sometimes I worry he likes it a bit more than he says he does. Like, Randy could be so gay and not even know it!"

Hmp. Really? Could Randy had encountered the same conflict that I have?...I doubt it. "You think so?" I humor her slightly. "I mean you would know you are his girlfriend."
"You would think I'd have a clue but," She snickers, "I don't. I only have my suspicions and that only comes up after he's done kissing you. He makes it look so damn convincing!"
"Heh. You're telling me. I'm the one with his tongue down my throat. I swear it's like he's trying to make me like it. Or steal the air out of my lungs!" Sam let out a warm, gentle laugh. "I know! I saw that! He's just torturing you!"

"He's such a punk!" I manage to laugh because now that I'm talking about it, it is a little funny how eager Randy is to kiss me. And how well he actually does it. "He's trying to make me like it! I could just deck him! And I would have already if I could think to do it when he's got his tongue down my throat! He's lucky that he's a good kisser!"

"Ugh, I know, he's like, the best kisser and he's an asshole for always killing me with it!" Thank God for Samantha. She always knows how to make me laugh and feel at ease; her warm laugh and genuine concern is such a breath of fresh air because you just don't find people like that anymore. Samantha is a kind, sweet, genuinely good person and she would do anything to help anyone she can. Her heart is one of giving and trust. She's a rarity, to say the least. No wonder Randy loves her.

"I tell him all the time that that's how he got me." She says through her laughter. "One good kiss and I was his!" Boy do I know what she means by that. All of this started the very first moment of our very first kiss in my room. Our room. Whatever. "Oh so that's how he got you into bed." I tease and she lets out a mock gasp of outrage and I give her the most innocent smile I have. "What?"
"I didn't sleep with him until our third date I'll have you know!"
"Wow the third date? That was what, five days after you met him? Such restraint, Sam!" I laugh and it feels good.
"Oh you big brat! You know you can't blame me! Randy's got that-that way about him! He just needs to be touched!" Heh. Don't I know it. I lean back into her arms and we laugh softly as she effectively comforts me. It feels good. I'd be happy if we could always be friends...But that might be impossible now since, I kind of WANT her man...

"You're such a brat to me, Cody." She snickers, "Don't act like you don't like touching him too!"
"Wouldn't that make you mad?-?" I ask and feel myself grow serious, the smile leaving my face rather quickly. "I mean wouldn't you be REALLY pissed off if I liked touching him and having to kiss him?"
"Nope." She hugs me tight. "Not one bit." What?-!
"Why? He's your guy, isn't he?"
"Well, yes, but...It seems kind of pointless to be angry about it. It's not like you're a stranger to me, Cody. I know you and I know you'll be good to him. Besides, I'm already sharing him with you, aren't I?"
"I don't know what you mean by sharing him. He's yours, not mine. And I would think you'd be jealous or uncomfortable if I actually liked kissing Randy-"
"I wouldn't." She says adamantly. "Because I can't blame you for liking it-"
"Never said that I did."
"You don't have to, sweetheart, I know you do."
Gulp. How-How could she possibly know?-! "Sam I-"
"Shhh." She stops me softly, "It's okay, Cody, it doesn't make me mad..."

My chest tightens anxiously. Fuck it should make her mad but why do I get the feeling that she's happy about all of this? Why do I get the feeling that she would be perfectly happy if Randy left her for me? God she is so weird! I love her but the woman is just nuts! But I'll show her. I have an idea and I'll show them both! I'll show Randy that I can do this and I'll show Sam that it might have been funny the first few times she saw us kiss, when I was freaking out about it but, NOW she'll what it looks like without my fucking nerves. NOW she'll see how it is when I kiss him and I mean REALLY kiss him!

I get up, "Oh really? You think watching me kiss him like I like it wouldn't make you mad?" I challenge her and before she can reply I set off to find Randy.

The hallway leading out of the den is long but I'm quick and find the kitchen. It's empty. I move onto the dinning room. Also empty. Damn it! Where is he?-! "Randy? Oh, Randy!" I call and can't help but smirk as I continue my search and hear Samantha catching up behind me.

"Cody?" I hear Randy call from the living room and within moments we meet in the doorway, almost colliding but stop just in time.

I don't give him a chance to speak, why would I? I grab him and kiss him right on the mouth, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulled him down into my kiss with one tug. Let's see how HE likes being surprised with shit like this!-! I bet he'll flip out about this too but fuck at least he'll FINALLY understand!

I kiss him hard, forcing him to kiss me back like he's done to me too many times before. Randy seems stunned but only for a second before he plays along and puts his arms and hands in their rightful places around my body, bringing us together in a convincing, dramatic, passionate kiss I would have normally fucked up by now. But I'm not fucking it up this time. I'm going to kiss him until he makes e stop and enjoy every second of it to prove my point. Sam will be pissed! I just know it! I fucking showed her!

Randy forces us to stop, squeezing my waist tight as he pries his lips from mine. He looks at me, into my eyes like he's searching for any form of panic that's usually spinning my head in every direction. But he'll find none. He doesn't and smiles. Told you. He brushes his lips to mine, his smile widening as I clutch my hands into the back of his shirt. I want more. I start to go for it, staring at his lips but he stops me, moving his mouth just out of my reach...

"Mr. Springfield is here." I catch my eyes before they grow wide, and I hold my breath. Shit. What's that asshole doing here? I thought our next appointment wasn't until after the wedding?-! "Oh." I say and after a second turn and manage a smile as I do and find Mr. Springfield glaring at me from his spot on my couch, in another hideous brown suit and jacket. "Hello, Mr. Springfield, what brings you out to the sticks?"
"Cut the crap, Mr. Rhodes, you know exactly what brings me out here. This charade you and Mr. Orton are trying to orchestrate has to have an end somewhere and I'm determined to find it. Now, have you two come to your senses about all of this and changed your minds?" What the fuck? "Charade?" I sound confused, and convincing. "What do you mean by that, Mr. Springfield? Are you so rude as to imply that he and I are not lovers in our own home? What grounds do you have to even say such a thing!"
"Grounds? I'll give you grounds, Mr. Rhodes! Let's start with the fact that Mr. Orton's girlfriend is here as we speak! If that doesn't blow your game-"
"I'm sorry, hang on." Samantha breaks in gracefully, "I'm sorry to interrupt but let's get one thing straight here, Mr. Springfield. Randy is not my boyfriend. I'm just here going over wedding arrangements with them."

Mr. Springfield shakes his head, his eyes squinted in a hard, hateful glare. "I'm no fool." He says and opens his jacket, reaching into it and pulls out a small, troublesome note pad, flipping it open with a quick snap of his wrist. "Let's see, you were Mr. Orton's girlfriend last year when you first came to see me in...May. Yep. That's what I have written here."
"Okay? So? We didn't want you to know that he and Cody were together so I lied for him and said that I was his girlfriend. Tons of gay guys do that to save themselves the trouble of having to deal with people like you who would use them being gay against them. They're no different than them."
Mr. Springfield turns red, a thick vein noticeably protruding from his temple. "You lied then so what would make me think you're not lying NOW?"
Sam shrugs. "Believe what you wish but the truth will be the truth, no matter what you think. And honestly, Mr. Springfield, how many gay guys do you see that don't have at least one woman friend they always spend time with? Hm? Being gay isn't new and if you ask me you're grasping at straws because, how often do case workers make such a long trip out to the sticks to check on their immigrants?" God I love her. She paused but only to give the old bastard a disappointed shake of her head. "You shouldn't waste your time on good people like us, Mr. Springfield, you should focus on those who actually need your attention." I smile as I watch as Mr. Springfield's anger was quickly replaced with shock, his eyes wide and completely stunned. He stutters for a moment and I have to hide a chuckle as the old bastard struggles to regain his thoughts after Samantha made him feel about two feet tall. Fuck I LOVE her!

"Well, with all due respect Ma'am, I'm just doing my job because if Mr. Orton had informed you a home visit or two is just a part of the investigation process. I am doing nothing he and his friend weren't expecting."

Sam purses his lips briefly and already I can't wait to hear what she's going to say. "Hmm, well, expecting it or not your office should have sent someone who knows a thing or two about real gay people and not just the stereotypes. Otherwise we wouldn't have wasted five minutes of their time worrying about me when I'm just a typical gay-hag spending time with her two favorite boys."
"That's right." I back her up as I give Mr. Springfield a fierce glare and snuggle as close to Randy as I possible can. I want that old son-of-a-bitch to think Randy's mine so, I'm going to start fucking acting like it. For the moment and many more to come, Randy IS mine. I smirk, I can't help it. "And even if you have business here you've wasted enough time worrying about Samantha when you came here to focus on us. So get to it." I finish as I lean into Randy's chest, hugging his waist tight as I rub my hand over his back, even though Mr. Springfield can't see it, I do it anyway. Randy doesn't complain.

"Alright then." Mr. Springfield nervously clears his throat as he tucks his annoying little note pad into his pocket and hopefully for good. "I'm short on time myself so, back to business then. I'd like to take a quick look around." Wow. Sam and I actually shut the old man up and wiped that smug as look off his old ass face! I never thought I'd see the day!
"Go for it." Randy encourages bitterly as I feel his hand come to rest in the small of my back. "We've got nothing to hide, do we babe?"
"Nope." I confirm and look up at Randy as I sensually slide my hand from his waist up to his neck. "But be quick if you can, Mr. Springfield. Randy and I have other things to do." I so don't give a fuck if that sounds dirty. I HOPE that bastard takes that as a hint that we're going to fuck. Hell if I had it my way we WOULD fuck tonight. Randy would have me bent over the kitchen table fucking my brains out if I had my way!

"Oh, damn, I should get going, I've got a term paper due tomorrow." Sam breaks the tension and announces before she leans in, kissing each of our cheeks and gave mine a light, tender stroke. "I'll see you two tomorrow. You be good, Cody. Try not to worry about the wedding, alright? You leave that to me and just enjoy spending time with Randy."
"Oh I will." I rub it in and can't help but smile at her as she winks and for some reason it DOESN'T freak me out. It should but, it doesn't. I mean she knows that I want Randy and yet she's kind of encouraging me to ACT upon it. I should clarify that with her first but, maybe tomorrow. When Mr. Springfield isn't lurking around my house trying to find anything that would warrant throwing Randy out of the country. Asshole.

Sam leaves and Randy and I see her to the door like gentleman, but I'm the one to close the door and lock it, smiling as I turn around to face Randy who I know must be more than surprised by my sudden HUGE change in moods. I would be myself but why bother? I WANT him. I might as well enjoy touching him when I can, right? Why waste the opportunity worried over something I can't change? I can't suddenly stop wanting Randy and now that I know I do, I'm done torturing myself over it. I could stand to torture Randy a bit more for humping me against the window last night but I think I'll just let him off the hook for that, for now.

I turn around to face him, smiling until I see the large, stunned blue pupils of my best friends eyes staring wide without blinking and I frown. Damn I didn't know he'd be THAT surprised. Hell I only kissed him ONCE on my own, not like I humped him against a window. And yeah okay, I hung on him some just now but I've done that before too...So what gives? What's he all wide eyed for?

"Cody I-I couldn't possibly thank you enough for that." He whispers and I can't help but notice how he's inching closer to me. I back up, pressing my back to the door but my eyes are glued to his as he closes the distance between us, wrapping his arms around me before I can say a single word. He presses us to the door as his mouth descends upon mine and we kiss. I'm startled but I don't fight it. Why would I? His lips are so hungry for mine I can almost taste their desperation as I open just enough to let him inside; I let my hands and arms find their way around his back. My nerves stay calm as his tongue flicks against mine and I flick back. He squeeze me tighter, letting out a soft moan that makes my whole body weaken so I have no choice but to cling to him. But I don't care. I press into him, clawing my fingers into his back as I tilt my head for him to give me more. He does. We both moan as we begin to kiss hard and I don't know if he's doing this for show or not but fuck me if it isn't one of the best kisses of my life. And fuck if it doesn't make me want him that much more.

My hand curls around his neck, pulling him closer, kissing him harder even though a voice in my head screams that this isn't real. But god damn it, it feels real. Randy's kissing me so hard, so deep, so passionate! I cling to him harder, my head spinning even though my eyes are closed as he consumes me with his kiss...

"Excuse me, ...gentlemen." Shit. No! No please! I want more!

Randy jerks his head up, tearing his lips from mine. I'm breathless, dizzy and shaking but I still manage to shoot the old bastard a glare. He had better be done with his inspection because I'm about ready to knock his fucking lights out. "What?" I ask in a deep, irritated tone through gritted teeth.
"Sorry to interrupt but I'll be leaving now, I've left a summary of my findings on the table in your dinning room."
"Good for you." Randy snaps just as irritated and as breathless as I sounded and he yanks me away from the door and out of the way before letting me go. I stand out of the way, leaning against the wall with my arms crossed over my chest as I watch Randy open the door for our "guest" to leave. Neither of us give a shit about his stupid findings and I'm glad to see him go, even if it means Randy won't want to kiss me anymore today.

I glare harder for a few moments until Mr. Springfield finally leaves without another word and Randy quickly slams the door and locks it behind me; turning to me swiftly. "You're the best, Cody, really." He says to me softly just in case Mr. Springfield hasn't quite left yet. "I don't even know what to say right now."

I shake my head, silently gazing at him, doing all that I can to hide the longing I feel as I look at him fondly. I wish he wouldn't say anything. I wish he would just kiss me and touch me and fuck me, that's what I wish. But this is all just a big show to Randy and that kiss was just like all the others. It was just, a part of the game. I'll admit that hurts more than I thought it would but I've tortured him enough for one day. And him the same for me. "It's alright, Randy." I tell him. "You don't have to say anything, everything's cool."
"Really?" He asks and lets out a sigh of relief. "So you're not mad at me anymore?"
"Nah." Maybe a little but it's not his fault. "I think having Mr. Springfield come around here helped kick my ass into gear and took care of my nerves." I smile to reassure him. "So we're okay."
"Oh man!" He sighs again, laughing nervously as he approaches me, quickly pulling me into a tight, appreciative hug. "Don't fucking scare me like that! Fuck I thought you were fucking done with me!"

"Sorry." I murmur as hug him back, closing my eyes as I press my face into his neck, biting back a content sigh of my own as I settle into the only place where I feel I truly belong. I could never be done with Randy and how he could think that is beyond me but, I'll let it go. I can worry about it later. Right now I'm just going to hug him and enjoy the moment.

TBC