I'm sorry that I haven't uploaded. I've been sick for a week I still feel pretty crappy but I really wanted to post something and hopefully, I'll feel well enough this following week to write some more. For now, this will be a short chapter :(
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
"Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson
Ben is dreaming.
No, he's having a nightmare.
In this nightmare, Ben is in a large lake and the water is so dark and murky that he can't see what's below, but something is pulling him down. Something strong and hidden. It's clawing at him and holding him tightly.
He's drowning.
He tries to scream for help. Tries to yell for his mother or his father, but no words come out. He can see his family in the distance.
Luke, Leia, Han, and Rey. Hell, even Chewie is there. God knows that Han Solo was only ever truly loyal to Chewie. They were old war buddies. That meant more to Han Solo than his wife and son apparently, Ben thinks bitterly.
They were all laughing and happy. They look like a proper family. His parents danced while Ben gulped for air.
They all ignore him.
They are happy without him there.
He calls out one last time for his father.
He doesn't want to drown.
Suddenly, he's awake and gasping for air as Luke stands over him in his bedroom.
His father's name is still on the tip of his tongue.
There's a sadness in Luke's eyes as Ben sits up on his bed.
A hidden pain.
"What's wrong Uncle?"
Rey wakes up to screaming.
The kind of screaming that she would hear at the orphanage on nights when they had new kids come in. The kind of screaming that sounded like it came from a hurt animal. It was coming from Ben's room and Rey immediately gets up and runs to him.
Inside she finds Luke standing over a screaming Ben.
Rey is terrified.
"You're lying! You're fucking lying!" Ben screams at him.
He pushes his uncle away from him but Luke is stronger than he looks and doesn't budge.
From the doorway, Rey finally comes to her senses and asks what's wrong. Luke turns to her while Ben continues that awful screaming.
He's crying, Rey realizes.
Someone's dead.
Someone he loves.
Her heart aches. She wants to go to him, but before she can, Luke turns to her.
"Go to your room. I'll be there as soon as I can." Luke orders at her.
Rey stands there unsure. She looks at Ben who is falling apart right in front of her. He still won't look at her.
"But..."
"Go now!" Luke shouts. It's so commanding and strict that Rey can't help but listen to him. He had never shouted at her before. Rey didn't think Luke ever screamed at anyone. It just wasn't in his DNA, so Rey knew that she had to listen.
She walks back to her room feeling like she's in a dream. She sits down on her bed and she can hear Ben destroying his bedroom and Luke trying to call him down. She finally breaks and starts crying. She sits there while Ben screams and cries and Rey finally understands.
She finally understands what love his.
The drive to the airport is quiet.
Everything had been quiet since that awful night.
Luke had come into her bedroom after Ben's screams and cries had died down and told her what happened.
It was Han.
He got into a car accident while driving at night. He was heading into town. Most likely to see his son.
Rey hadn't stopped crying since Luke ordered her to her room.
Now he held her. The same way he did months ago when he told her that her family was dead.
But this time it was different. This time Luke cried as well. This time Rey hugged him back.
When the sun rose, Luke made a simple breakfast for them. Ben didn't leave his room and Rey didn't have much of an appetite. Luke told her to go pack some clothes. They would be heading to a plane soon that would take them to the city. Leia had planned everything already. She wanted them all to meet in the city and have the funeral later that week.
Rey didn't ask any questions. Even if she wanted to go into Ben's room and make sure he was okay. But she already knew that he wasn't.
So she just nodded and did as she was told.
When she came back out she was carrying her old suitcase. The one that she had brought from the orphanage.
She saw Ben sitting on the couch, his suitcase next to his feet. Luke was gone, probably getting his own suitcase ready.
Ben didn't move when he heard her. Didn't lift his head or look at her.
Rey was drawn to him like a tragic car wreck on the highway.
She sat down next to him.
Still, he would say anything.
Rey studied his face.
Tired, empty eyes, Pale face. Messy hair. He looked devoid of all emotion. Half-dead.
And then she saw his hands. They were wrapped in bandages probably to hide his bloody knuckles from the rampage he threw last night. Rey heard him punch the wall and everything else in his room.
Tentatively, she reached for his damaged hand.
He didn't shy away from her which Rey took as a win.
"I'm not going to say sorry, because that doesn't really help," Rey tells him gently.
She grips his hand and he closes his eyes, but he grips her back tightly so Rey knows he's still in there. Still listening.
"But I will tell you that I'll be there for you through everything. Even if you don't want me too. I won't let you feel alone. I'm still here."
Ben opens his eyes and she can finally see the pain he holds. The sadness. She wants to hug him, but he looks too fragile, too close to breaking again.
She holds his hand all the way to the airport.
He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
Sorry for the short chapter and sorry if it made some of you sad, but I just feel like it's something that has to happen and that Ben needs to go through Han's death.
Also, thank you so much for all the likes and reviews ya'll leave me. I appreciate them so much and without them, I would have no motivation.