Chapter Six – A Different Version of Happiness
As I stare at the tall man with flawless skin and short blond hair, I decide that it's official: I feel more distant from my mother than ever. My gut stirs with a hint of betrayal due to all of these secrets she kept from me and now I think I never truly knew her. For all I know, she could have heard the dead like Dr. Kimishima, or maybe even had the ability to slow down time.
"You were engaged to my mother?" I gawk and wait for him to burst out laughing like he just told a funny joke, but he remains perfectly calm and nods.
"I knew Lisa ever since we were children. Our fathers were business partners, you see," he explains in a deep, gentle voice as his dark blue eyes gaze at my shocked and confused expression. "Our families were close and our marriage was already planned before we were fourteen, but this did not irritate either of us. We were in love and couldn't have been happier."
I hesitate and stare at him uncertainly. My mother has never once mentioned Gregory Collins or ever having a fiancé before Gabe. I actually never met my grandparents because they refuse to speak with us, though my mother has never told me why and I didn't press her.
Not only that, but Gregory Collins is the man Gabe ordered me to never speak to.
"But you didn't marry her, did you?" I clarify uneasily and his smile dips into a frown.
"Sadly, I did not. During my internship at Resurgam, I met Gabriel Cunningham, and she eventually did as well. I did not suspect them to be more than just mere acquaintances until a week before our wedding when she confessed that she could no longer marry me. She told me she found somebody else and it broke my heart."
His voice has no emphasis on any words, giving each syllable the same level of volume as the next. This way of speaking makes him sound incredibly calm but I can see the restlessness in his incredibly deep blue eyes. I can relate to what it is like to have everything seem normal and then change completely in a blink of an eye. This must have been the way Dr. Collins felt when my mother left him for Gabe. Why she did that, however, remains a mystery.
He takes a deep breath and nods, as if reassuring himself that it is okay to speak of the subject. "I left Resurgam then," he continues in his steady voice. "I could no longer be close to Gabriel, especially since he assisted me in a few operations, so I ventured west in means of escape. The last I heard of them was that they would soon be married."
He pauses again and glances at the tombstone beside me. A look of regret crosses his perfectly carved face as he reads the elegantly carved name Lisa Cunningham.
"It was mere chance that I learned the current state of your family," he sighs heavily but his perfect face shows no sign of weariness. "A woman who used to work with Lisa moved in the house next door to mine two weeks ago and she told me everything she knew, starting with you."
He looks back at me with seemingly newfound interest, and I feel hot under his intimidating gaze but I force myself not to look away. The woman probably knew as much as I did about my mother, which now seems to be nothing than the mere basics. I can imagine the gossip going something like this: Lisa Cunningham? Oh yes, I knew her! She and her husband – a doctor by the way – had a young boy in the first year of their marriage, though he didn't stick around. Oh, but that isn't the worst of it. Lisa died in a car accident just last week. It is truly dreadful. Her son? I'm not sure what happened to him. I'd imagine he'd live with some relatives if he has any.
"And now…you're here," I finish for him in a quiet and still puzzled tone.
He holds his hands out with his palms facing the gray sky, giving him an erudite appearance, and when he speaks it is with new vigor. "When I heard all of this, Joshua, I was in deep despair, but then I remembered you. If only Lisa had stayed with me then she would have been happy and had a faithful husband. I felt such regret for not giving her better reason to stay with me that I decided I would find you, Joshua, and treat you like the father you have always deserved."
He smiles and stares at me patiently but I find myself unable to respond. From what I've gathered, our conversation has basically gone like this: Joshua, I'm your mother's ex-boyfriend and now that she is dead I have decided that I'm going to be your father because I want to make up for her mistake of not picking me as a husband. And although I know it sounds ridiculous when I put it like that, there is a part of me that is finding all of this very intriguing. How did my mother leave this man for Gabe? I am not entirely sure what women like in a man, but I can see that Dr. Collins is handsome and well mannered, and he probably reads like it is nobody's business. I hear women like guys who read.
When I realize he won't say any more, I swallow the lump in my throat and admit my greatest concern in a weak voice, "I don't know you."
He nods instantly as if he knew what I was going to say all along. "Indeed," he agrees and his tone becomes rapid and excited when he continues to speak. "Perhaps I am rushing this? I have much information about your mother and I truly want to know you better, Joshua. Are you willing to meet up with me to catch up? I'll be working in Resurgam tomorrow and we can converse in the cafeteria during my lunch break. I know it is not the ideal place for such a momentous occasion, but I do not think I can wait. How does that sound?"
I have a feeling he planned all of this before meeting me here, which makes me cautious of this man. Due to many hours of watching the morning news and some dateline with Alyssa (she got hooked one time for a week until I hosted an intervention for her), I cannot help but consider the possibility of him being some crazy pedophile who thought up this entire story just to kidnap me. I refuse to believe this to be true, however, since Gabe did mention him before and he knows too much about my family to be a creepy stranger. Also, learning more about my now mysterious mother is appealing and I find myself agreeing to meet him there tomorrow at 11:15. Hopefully he won't bail like Gabe did before when we arranged a lunch to "catch up" too.
"I will see you then, Joshua," Dr. Collins announces proudly with a grin, showing his perfect white teeth. He then turns on his heels, waves goodbye, and begins walking down the rows of tombstones.
The way his long black coat flaps with the wind makes him seem almost ghostly, and I feel as though I have awoken from a strange dream. My brain is whirling from what I have heard and my breathing is shallow. For a moment I wonder if what just occurred was conjured from my imagination, but then I stuff my hand into my jacket pocket. My fingers instantly touch the stiff paper of his business card. I slip it out and read it over and over until I feel the letters are floating off the page:
Doctor Gregory Collins
Head Surgeon of Hope Hospital, Angeles Bay
746-593-6740
When I look up he is nowhere to be found and a thick fog is rolling into the graveyard. My toes feel numb as I quickly walk back the way I came to where Alyssa and the taxi are waiting. I replay the conversation in my head and questions continue to pop up, most of which are tactless but important to me. What are my grandparents like? Was she sad when she told Dr. Collins that she would not marry him? Surely she would realize how devastating it must have been for him, though I am beginning to wonder if Lisa Cunningham was always the sweet woman that I remember her to be. Maybe she changed over the years, or maybe she has forever been the clever, understanding woman who seemed to have touched many lives than just mine.
Gabe is confused as to why I want to go to Resurgam with him because last time went so well, but he's cautious. I'm not in my slump anymore though he continues to tread lightly. He stands a good distance away from me and, even though I broke one of his dumb rules, he hasn't smoked in the living room yet. His amber eyes glance at me warily, and he doesn't question me for my reasons of returning to the hospital and I don't tell him. I guess he has realized the possibility of having a depressed son, which increases his parenting troubles by tenfold. Maybe he thinks I'm going to try finding a psychiatrist there, or that I have no actual friends to hang out with and have resorted to mulling around a hospital. I notice that he has removed the few knifes from the kitchen, so I guess it is good to know that he cares enough that he doesn't want me to die like my mother.
The car ride is completely silent, unlike last time when he tried to make polite conversation. Between his nervous glances toward me, I find myself studying him. I suppose women could find him somewhat attractive: he's tall, not fat, and has a sharp nose and intriguing eyes. Honestly, I don't know what people think of his hair – or our hair actually. My mother always said she loved my green locks, so I imagine she loved his too. Alyssa likes it as well but some random people stare at it in disgust like I decided to grow a fungus on top of my head just for kicks.
Even if Gabe were incredibly handsome, my mother wouldn't choose him just for that reason. Maybe he was different then, or maybe she was. There must have been something about him that made her abandon all of her life long plans to try a different version of happiness.
We arrive at the hospital at 10:15 Saturday morning. As soon as we enter the massive white building I ditch Gabe and wander aimlessly through the halls. A few nurses and doctors give me skeptical looks, probably wondering if I'm allowed to be back here or not, but I think my uncanny resemblance to the head of diagnostician allows me to go wherever I please since nobody stops me.
I feel the horrible images of my mother's death beginning to form in my mind, but thoughts on the upcoming meeting with Collins keeps me distracted. Strolling down random orange hallways, I ponder over what homework I missed yesterday to whether or not Collins is a serial kidnapper. I notice that some doctors pass by me without a second glance while others see me and instantly begin whispering to their companion as if I'm some kind of celebrity, but I certainly don't know why I would be. I came to the hospital once before with Wermer's Syndrome, but that was six years ago and I doubt they'd still be gossiping about the kid who the nurses thought was super adorable.
After an agonizingly boring hour of ambling around the hospital, the clock strikes 11:15 and I enter the cafeteria. It's a large room with tiled white floors and orange walls (Resurgam loves the color orange for some reason). Plastic brown tables and flimsy chairs are arranged neatly in rows, and doctors and nurses are either shoving food in their mouths or waiting anxiously in front of a long counter filled with "edible" goods.
I quickly scan the room and I see Doctor Gregory Collins waving at me from a corner table. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I maneuver through the rows of chairs and tables until I am standing in front of him. His mouth is spread into a wide grin, making his high cheekbones even more prominent, and the bright lights illuminate his white teeth.
"Joshua," he greets with a sparkle of joy in his dark cobalt eyes. "I am so glad you came. Please take a seat."
I slip into the uncomfortably hard chair across from him and wipe my sweaty palms against my jeans.
He looks at me intently, still grinning, and says, "This is much better than a graveyard, is it not? Though I do find the food here to be…interesting, if you know what I mean."
I merely nod and, glancing around, I notice the curious gazes of other doctors and nurses. Maybe they all know the history between Gabe and Collins, so perhaps me being with him is a bit of a scandal. Don't they have patients to treat or something?
Collins leans back in his chair and takes a sip of a mug filled with steaming golden tea. His white buttoned down shirt and slacks have creases in them from being expertly folded and his navy blue tie seems to be worn in a way so that it doesn't strangle him. I need to learn how to do that.
"I am sure you have many questions for me, Joshua," he reasons with confidence as he gracefully gesticulates with his free hand. "And I have many for you, but why don't you start?"
I hesitate for a moment, glancing nervously around the room for Gabe, before I inquire in a hushed tone, "Why did you come here?"
He nods, as if he knew this question was coming all along, and instantly responds gravely, "By the time I heard of Lisa's tragic accident, the funeral had already passed, and I was disconsolate for a few days. I regretted not keeping in touch with Lisa after I left years before, though I had respected her wishes to be with Gabriel rather than me. Then I learned that he had abandoned you and Lisa, however, and I became enraged. After many hours of driving with the intention to teach Gabriel a lesson, I realized how hitting him would change nothing. Lisa is dead and nothing we do will be able to suture that wound."
He pauses and takes another sip of his tea. His grin has fallen and his midnight blue eyes are sparkling again like he is going to cry, but his voice is strong when he continues to explain, "While stopping at a gas station, I realized that there is still you, Joshua. Gabe may have failed to be a proper husband and father, making Lisa's life unfairly difficult, but I intend to make up for his mistakes. You are all that is left of Lisa, and I will not let you slip away from me like she did."
He gazes at me as if debating on whether or not I am worth the effort, and I squirm under his powerful stare. I don't know how I am supposed to feel about this: honored or disturbed? I sink in my chair, wishing that there could be a hole beneath me where all of this confusion and sorrow would disappear once I slipped inside. Then again, I feel like everybody wishes for that magical hole at some point in there life. So far it hasn't come true, which is a real shame because a lot of us could really use it.
Throughout all of this, however, there is one thing I have realized about Collins that isn't shown in Gabe.
"You really loved her, didn't you?" I whisper as I stare at his large hands, aware how there are no rings on his thin, bony fingers.
"That indeed, Joshua," he agrees in a soft voice. "I never loved another woman and it broke my heart when she said she could not marry me. I'll admit, I was angry with her at first, but then I realized that to truly love someone is to mean that you are willing to let them go."
"Why did she choose Gabe?" I ask and glance up at him anxiously, but the blank look in his eyes informs me that this question will not be answered soon.
"I was hoping you'd be able to tell me."
I sigh and shake my head. Looks like my mother is the only one with that answer.
We drift to silence then and I think we are quiet in honor of her and all of her mysteries.
"What was she like?" I inquire in a whisper. He seems confused for a second, probably thinking that I would know this better than anybody else, but he places his cup down and nods again.
"I don't know where to start," he admits as a wistful glaze forms over his wet blue eyes. "Inquisitive, is what comes to mind. She was always striving for more information and seemed to constantly be questioning her actions. I suppose thoughtful is a better word." A genuine smile forms on his thin lips and he adds, "Clever, too. She had such a quick wit that there were times when I could not keep up with her."
This cleverness I am familiar with, but it never occurred to me how often she became lost in thought until Collins mentions it. I would often walk into the kitchen to find her just sitting at the table, staring into space, the definition of pensive. Sometimes she would take a while to respond to a question in order to find the best way of answering, and she always had a strange look in her eyes whenever I mentioned our family. I hadn't realized what it was until I felt it myself: sorrow from life's unexpected twists.
He leans forward and says with a hint of excitement, "Now it is my turn to ask questions, Joshua."
And so he does. He inquires about school, my favorite foods, friends, what my mother and I did for holidays, swimming, books, vacations, and other seemingly random topics. I answer uncomfortably at first, not use to such interest in my life, but I quickly grew at ease with the way he nods after my responses, as if he already knew all of this. Nod, nod, nod, nothing comes as a surprise. At some point I realize that I am even enjoying his unwavering attention to me, something that Gabe doesn't possess either.
After explaining how Alyssa and I became friends when we met up in the hospital after our surgeries, he reaches into his pocket and places a small black box on the table. Sliding it towards me, he grins and says in an almost giddy whisper, "Open it."
I cock an eyebrow, but once I realize that there will be no more words said on the subject I flip open the lid. My ochre eyes instantly widen as I stare in awe at the obviously expensive item. The golden watch is curled around a plush black pillow, reminding me of the crown jewels in the Tower of London. It has the same elegance as those glittering diamonds and I imagine this little watch is worth more than myself. The ceiling lights reflect off the flecks of silver in the face and an intricate design of ivory jewels swirl around the edges.
"It is for you, Joshua," he says and I can hear the smile in his voice, probably pleased by my stunned reaction.
"I-I can't accept this," I stammer and stare at it warily, too afraid to even breathe on it.
"Of course you can," Collins insists. "I bought it specifically for you."
Before I can form another protest, a long shadow falls over Collins and interrupts our private discussion. I look to the side and my stomach drops at the sight of the man standing beside us. His hands are stuffed in his pockets while a burnt out cigarette hangs from his clenched teeth. His amber eyes are ablaze as he glares at the man across from me, and his frazzled green hair gives him a wild appearance. Behind him stand two people, one man who I recognize to be CR-S01 due to his crimson eyes and strange white prison uniform. Beside him is a woman with long black hair that I have never seen before. She is petite with sparkling purple eyes that are unusually large for a Japanese woman. A white doctor's coat falls in waves around her red floral kimono. Both her and CR-S01 glance between us nervously as if trying to decide which one of us is more likely to blow up first.
"Ah, Doctor Cunningham," Collins greets in a cheerful voice but his grin doesn't reach his eyes. "Come to join us I see?"
Gabe's jaw locks and he responds in an aggravated tone, barely restraining his fury, "No, I'm here to get Joshua." He averts his furious gaze to me and I cannot tell if he is pissed at Collins or me, but the intensity in his amber eyes is enough to make me speechless and the words oh shit come to mind.
"I think Joshua can handle himself, don't you?" Collins asks with forced civility, and I'm starting to wonder if he is able to resist the temptation of punching Gabe now that he is only inches away from his target.
"Why don't you go spend your money on somebody else," Gabe snaps, and his teeth clench together so hard that his cigarette falls out of his mouth like somebody swatted it away.
"I think I am spending it on the right person because, from what I hear, you do not even have the decency to feed him," Collins retorts and Gabe takes half a step forward but the Japanese woman grabs onto his elbow, effectively restraining him.
My palms become sweaty as they continue to glare at each other like bullies on the playground, and CR-S01, the woman, and I are simple bystanders who don't understand which side to take.
"Your money didn't work on Lisa, so don't think it is going to work on my son," Gabe snarls, and the fact that he referred to me as his son shocks me while Collins abruptly loses his gentleman composure and hastily stands up.
"Do not talk about Lisa!" He shouts and the people around us immediately turn to look at the confronting men. I feel my face grow hot under their stares and I wish they'd take this argument elsewhere. My throat has gone dry, thus making me inaudible, and I can only watch them erupt in front of me.
Collins' cobalt eyes suddenly appear black and his broad shoulders give him a formidable aura. Shaking with rage, he yells hotly, "She gave herself to you and you threw her away like trash, and then left her out to whither away until she died! I will not let you do the same to Joshua!"
Gabe is surprisingly quiet and by now the entire cafeteria is looking at us. His lips are pulled into a tight line and his ochre eyes are impossible to read as he stares at his enemy. For a few seconds they just gaze at each other with nothing but the sound of Collins' heavy breathing and a few murmurs of gossiping nurses in the distance.
"Come on, Joshua," Gabe orders in an emotionless tone. "We're leaving."
He doesn't wait for a response and spins on his heels. I quickly glance to Collins who is still glaring at Gabe as he walks away. The fury in his now black eyes and his rapid switch from calm to cantankerous is unnerving. CR-S01 remains quiet and studies the scene before him as if he has seen this before, while the Japanese woman just looks baffled. The people around us are frozen to their chairs and their gazes burn into me like lasers.
I'm not entirely sure why I follow Gabe. Maybe I leave because I cannot stand being in a room that has more tension than an OR, maybe because he seems so threatening that I find saying no to him would put me in danger, or maybe it is because I don't want to have to catch a taxi home. Either way, I find myself chasing after him while he briskly walks down the hallway and to the garage. After everything Collins has told me, I'm reeling with questions as to why Gabe would leave my mother, and I'm pissed off that he did in the first place, yet I get in the car with him and we drive out of there way too fast to be legal. I'm too frightened to speak and we ride in an uncomfortable silence all the way home.
The first thing Gabe does when we enter the apartment is grab a beer from the fridge, pop off the cap, and guzzle it don't like he hasn't had a drop of water in days. He pours the golden liquid down his throat and I watch his Adam's apple bob with each gulp he takes. Finishing it in a few seconds, he places it on the counter with a defiant look in his eyes, as if proving to the world that he is a man because he can drink a beer in seconds, and then grabs another. He doesn't drain this one right away, but takes a quick swing instead before putting it next to the other one with the same come-at-me-bro gleam in his ochre eyes.
I thought the beer was to help him regain strength but it seems to have done the complete opposite. He slumps over the wooden island and rests his head in his hands. Exhausted, his eyes are only half open and he releases a deep, shaky breath. He then rubs his face with his large, bony hands, pulling his skin up and then down like he is trying to scrub away his weariness.
The room is so quiet that I can hear my heart pounding in my ears as I watch him just stand there the way my mother used to do. He has the same remorseful, dazed look in his eyes as if life just mugged him of his happiness.
"So," he says after a long moment of silence. His voice is dry and he continues to stare at nothing when he speaks, "Collins told you everything, huh?"
I don't answer right away and realize that the news Collins gave me hadn't improved my life, it just made me more confused about who my mother really was, and who Gabe is.
"I wouldn't consider it everything," I whisper, feeling that speaking any louder would disturb the precarious balance of the moment.
Gabe makes a strange noise, like a cross between a huff and a chuckle. His hand is over his mouth and he doesn't speak. For a brief moment I wonder if he is going to scold me for breaking another rule, but I think this is bigger than that. He glances to the window and we both watch the beginning drops of a rainstorm drip down the glass. Soon a din of pitter-patters fill the silent room.
"She always hated it," he whispers so quietly that I can barely hear it.
"No she didn't," I correct in a sour tone, annoyed that he doesn't even know this simple, categorical fact about my mother. "She loved the rain."
He looks at me and I see the corner of his lips pull into an amused smile. "Why did she love it?"
"Because it makes the city beautiful and washes away the dirt, like the world is cleansing itself of its sin," I respond instantly, quoting my mother completely.
For a moment he continues to smile as if I just complimented his outfit (which is an orange suit, as usual, and not creditable), but then he glances back at the rain and a melancholy expression washes over his face. The gray light makes him appear paler and older, and the wrinkles around his ochre eyes are now evident.
I don't understand why he smiles at my answer, but I feel like I am not currently meant to be in his presence. Whatever he is thinking about is greater than me, so I silently leave the kitchen and retreat into my small room. Overwhelmed with confusion and at a loss for words, I sit on the edge of my bed and stare at nothing in particular. For a few minutes I just listen to the rain and pass my blank gaze over piles of discarded clothes and textbooks, reminding me of a test I have coming up. After an hour of reading about American plantations, my stomach growls and I cautiously sneak back into the kitchen. Gabe isn't there anymore but the stench of smoke is strong and acts as a marker to his presence. All I can wonder as the night crawls quietly by is that maybe Hank was right. Maybe Gabe has been affected by her death.
Author's Note
I sort of rushed this because I really, really wanted to post this before returning to school this Tuesday and before Hurricane Irene. Now that summer is over updates will take longer. :( Ugh, stupid government making me get an education.
After the last update, I created a cover for this story which can be found here (remove the spaces!): http:/ /Wavemoon .deviantart. com/art/An-Old-Blue-Fish-Cover- 253116424
Lisa reminds me of my own mother, who I also find to be rather mysterious. I don't know much about her family and when I question her she always seems to dance around the topic. Writing this makes me want answers more than ever.
Hearty thanks to Canada Cowboy, Indochine Ramera, chibi-chinita, Liliafax, magikid196, and Tell Her This for all of your awesome reviews! Thank you for taking the time to leave me valuable feedback because it is much appreciated.
And lastly a big thanks to my wonderful new beta reader, Tell Her This! Big hugs for you! :D And thank you for all of your help because I certainly needed it!
I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review with comments or concerns.
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