The Big Hellsing

Chapter Six: Carlisle's Old Pal

Disclaimer: Hellsing is owned by Stephanie Meyer and Twilight is written by Kohta Hirano. Or is it the other way around.

Edward Cullen was unable to read Alucard's thoughts. Normally this would have pleased him because being able to read people's thoughts twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, grew rather tiresome. However, his power of mindreading was also deathly useful in that there were few better ways to judge a man's heart by the thoughts which were running through his brain. Edward didn't need to be able to read Alucard's thoughts to judge his character though. Alucard was the anti-Carlisle, or anti-Christ, it all depended on your perspective.

It wasn't that Alucard was totally shielding his mind from Edward; it was that he was censoring his thoughts, only allowing Edward to see what Alucard wanted. Alucard sat directly across from Edward at the breakfast table that the Cullen's virtually never used. They used it seldom and never for the purpose of breakfast.

Alucard had finished with Jasper and wished to speak with Carlisle and his family. Alucard did not wish to make himself appear less frightening. He only wished to appear a familiar or necessary evil, rather than a flat out evil. And he was never going to get the image he desired if the Cullen boy with the red hair kept on irritating him.

Alucard glared at Edward and then began to speak directly into Edward's mind. "You boy, is there some reason that you're eyes are drawn always in my direction"? Edward was surprised at this intrusion into his mind; usually it was he who was doing the intruding.

Edward didn't respond verbally Alucard; instead he thought of a sentence and left it for Alucard to find like a slip of paper. "I personally find you disgusting; I hope I'm not hurting your feelings".

Alucard raised an eyebrow a miniscule amount before responding, "Disgusting? Is that it? You should be terrified of me. I'm everything that you never thought you were capable of".

Edward's nonverbal response was again picked up by Alucard, "Really, I thought you were merely a blood crazed animal who was slave to his impulses".

Alucard's mental laughter reverberated in the halls of Edward's mind, "You called me an animal? For shame, that doesn't do me justice. I'm Mr. Hyde; I'm ready to do whatever the hell I want".



"You're not Mr. Hyde. You're Quasimodo, nothing but a hideous grotesque".

"The hell you say, I always thought of myself as a stuntman Mike".

Edward's face went blank, "Who is stuntman Mike"?

"Don't tell me you've never seen Grindhouse"?

"No sorry, I've never heard of it".

"Surely you've heard of it, it was released not too long ago. It was advertised all over television".

"I don't watch much television except for the discovery channel. Who stars in it"?

"Kurt Russell and Rosario Dawson".

"No, that doesn't help. Who is the director"?

"Quentin Tarantino".

"Well, sorry but I've never seen it. I make a point never to watch anything of Tarantino's".

Alucard was outraged but maintained a façade of coolness, "You bastard whelp, how can you say that about a great artist like Quentin Tarantino"!

"I just don't like him. He's a child in a man's body obsessed with pop culture and bloodshed. Watching his movies just gives me a headache. Perhaps when he grows up I'll be able to watch him".

Alucard confessed, "Well, there is something to what you've said. The movie Kill Bill greatly shook my faith in Tarantino".

Edward responded, "I saw that movie with Emmet and Jasper, it made me want to kill myself".

"You wanted to die? You should have seen how I felt when I watched Superbad. It was the most painful experience of my life".



Then Edward spoke verbally, "What were we talking about"?

Alucard tried to remember their original topic or at least say something frightening and creepy, but failed at both, "You know, I can't remember either".

Edward said, "Don't worry about it, it probably wasn't important". At the moment, Carlisle and the rest of the family appeared. Jasper and Alice were inexplicably absent. They followed Carlisle in single file, like ducklings following the mother duck. Carlisle motioned for everybody to sit. Rosalie shot Alucard a nasty glare, she was probably still mad about the trick with the jacket.

Carlisle's noble voice rang out, "I'd like to take this time to answer any questions you all surely have". Carlisle looked to Alucard, his friend, and realized how different they were. Of course the fact that he was wearing white and Alucard was wearing red did little to dispel the illusion that Carlisle was an angel and Alucard was a devil. "This is Alucard; he is a very old acquaintance and friend of mine. He'll be staying with us until his plane leaves tomorrow".

Esme squeaked, "He's going to stay with us"! She was repulsed by the very idea of this beast staying in her home. She did not have an impressive vampire power like Alice or Edward, all she had was the ability to love passionately. And love was something that she excelled at, proving herself time and time again as the ultimate mother. Now though, her motherly instincts were screaming to get this thing out of the house. She thought that Alucard would try to devour the souls of her adopted children. And her fears were not totally unjustified.

Alucard said to Esme in a smooth, almost seductive voice, "Don't worry Esme, if I can call you that. I'll be on my best behavior, most of the time". Alucard was quite attracted to Esme. And it wasn't purely physical, though her excellent body shape and heart shaped face revved his engine of love. It was the motherly aspect of her, Alucard wanted to bring out the bad girl in her. If she were any woman other than Carlisle's wife, Alucard would be cranking up the charm that he was famous for as Dracula.

Emmet ignored the fact that Alucard had subtly hit on Esme and asked a question, "So you've know our dad"?

Alucard took off his hat, "Indeed, before he was the imminent Doctor Cullen he was the greatest adventurer I've ever known".

Carlisle tried to shrug off Alucard's claim, "Surely you knew others greater than me".



Alucard was shocked by Carlisle's modesty, "Not at all Carlisle. I'm referring to the strength of character required to fight back and resist temptation all the times that you did. And when it came time for fisticuffs you never backed down. Remember when you killed Adolf Hitler"?

Emmet gasped with shock and admiration, "You killed Hitler"?

Rosalie was confused, she could never imagine Carlisle killing anybody, "You killed Hitler"?

Esme gasped with shock, "You killed Adolf Hitler"!

Carlisle was flustered; killing was not something that he relished, even killing the Nazi leader, "Well, I think that Alucard killed him more than I did".

This evoked laughter from Alucard, "I just held him down Carlisle. You did the deed".

Emmet was wonderstruck with these new and fabulous tales of the Cullen patriarch, "How did you kill Hitler"?

Carlisle was now too uncomfortable with the situation. He looked over to Alucard, hoping that he could explain how it went. Alucard was only too happy to comply, "We broke into the Wolf's lair in nineteen forty five. Hitler had been preparing to depart for South America with the rest of his lackeys. Carlisle hit him on the head with a tire iron while I took out the guards. Then I proceeded to hold him down while Carlisle cut off his head with a hack saw".

Rosalie rolled her eyes at Emmet, who was so easily impressed. "When do you leave"?

"I'll be gone when the sun goes down tomorrow. But I can't guarantee that we'll never meet again".

Edward now posed a question, "I've been hearing reports of massive fires and mass hysteria in Forks. Do you have anything to do with that"?

Alucard was amused, "Guilty as charged young man. Yes, I am the cause of all that. Though I would hesitate to call it hysteria". He laughed at some inner joke.

Edward was curious, "If it isn't hysteria then what do you call it"?



Alucard smirked like a problem kid reveling in his latest crime, "It's a little trick that I picked up. A magic trick if you will, authentic magic. Right now in the town of Forks and the surrounding areas, all the women are hopelessly smitten with each other".

"Smitten, you mean. . ."

"I mean that right now all the women in Forks and the surrounding regions are probably making out and finger fucking each other where they stand".

Rosalie perked up now, "You said you left Bella at La Push, with who"? The question was directed at Edward.

Edward was quick to answer, "I left her with Leah Clearwater and Emily . . .", and then the realization sank in, "Oh my God, Bella"! Like lightening Edward raced from the kitchen table and towards the front door. He didn't bother to open the newly repaired door, instead he charged right through it with a SMASH!

Everybody at the table sprang up except for Alucard. They needed to stop Edward before he crossed over into the territory of the wolves. Rosalie turned to her husband Emmet, "Emmet, go and stop him". Ever eager to please his wife, he took off like a shot. Emmet raced to the door and stopped to peer at the perfectly Edward shaped hole in the white surface.

Carlisle gave Rosalie a dirty look, "You go after him as well young lady, you're faster than Emmet is".

Rosalie swallowed her pride and was about to run off when Alucard piped up, "What's the matter, afraid of a few randy lesbians. You look up to the task of beating them off".

Esme shot from her hiding place behind Carlisle, "You're not helping! Besides this is your fault so why don't you just shut off that spell or whatever it is you do"? Rosalie didn't stay to argue, leaving before Carlisle could berate her further.

Alucard was not at all fazed by Esme's anger. "I can't just "shut off" the spell as you put it. The magic will only be dispersed with the breaking dawn". Before Esme could strike Alucard, which would have turned him on, Alucard reassured her, "Before you any more upset, let me assuage your fears. I know that you and your family are not allowed on the lands of the Quileute people, so I myself will run over there and stop dearest Edward and rescue his beloved girl".



With that, Alucard prepared for flight. He wrapped his jacket tightly about him, making it seem as though he were a bat with its wings retracted. Suddenly he threw out the sides of his jacket; the fabric stretched and grew rigid. In a fraction of a second, Alucard's long duster had taken the shape of a pair of bat wings. With no effort at all, his hat teleported back onto his head.

Moonlight shone through the windows of the Cullen home and partly shone right through Alucard. The moonlight shone through mostly his lower body and lower chest. All of this gave the impression that he was a night specter levitating on the spot. Alucard stood in all his demonic glory before the vampire husband and wife. Carlisle was not fazed; he'd seen displays like this too many times. Esme was terrified out of her wits, she could only think of sacrificing herself to save Carlisle in the event that Alucard attacked. Alucard's voice could be heard both by their ears and in their minds, "I'll be back before you know it. I'll keep the damage to a minimum".

Then Alucard took off. He shot upwards like a rocket and banked towards the Cullen's large living room. The tips of his wings cut grooves in the walls. He flew upwards and vanished, only to reappear some distance above the house, as if there'd been nothing to obstruct his flight path. He flew over the lands below towards the place he sought, casting a black shadow over the land.

Esme had been holding her breath the entire time that Alucard was in the house except to speak. She looked her husband of over eighty years and said, "Get rid of him Carlisle, he's nothing but trouble".

Carlisle held his wife's beautiful face in both delicate hands, "I know what he is. He has his flaws but I believe that for all the wrong he does he has a good heart".

Esme spoke softly, "I really don't know how you can say that about him Carlisle, I really don't".

"He likes to do things his own way. He thinks that his path is the right one", he laughed a bit, "In a way, he's a bit like a child".

"He's a threat to our children; promise me that you'll get rid of him as soon as possible"?

"He'll be gone by tomorrow Esme; Alucard has never broken a promise to me". Carlisle then said something that he probably shouldn't have said. "You know that his master ordered him to punish Jasper but as soon as he knew that Jasper was one of us he agreed to tone down his punishment".



Esme was aghast, "Oh my God, what did he do to Jasper"!

Carlisle was usually very articulate but now found that words were hard to come to him, "Well, he . . . had sex with Jasper".

Esme wouldn't quite believe what Carlisle had said, "You're joking right". She wanted it to be a joke. She wanted to believe that the Nosferatu's horrid sense of humor had rubbed off on her mate.

"I'm sorry Esme, no". Three things happened next. Firstly, Esme screamed, not just a human scream, but an animalistic vampire scream. Second, she kicked Carlisle in the groin with an indescribable amount of force. Third, Carlisle went flying through the wall of the house from the sheer force of the groin shot.

Carlisle heard Esme's voice through the haze, "I COULD LEAVE YOU FOR THIS CARLISLE"!

As a vampire, Carlisle shrugged off the groin hit in less than a second but he just lay there. He was starting to wonder if inviting Alucard to stay at his home was a mistake.

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Now that school is started for me these updates will come much slower now. An enormous thanks to my most loyal cadre of reviewers: EZB, shallowswan, Haissan and Anonomous-Allstar-fan. Keep reviewing, to everybody. I love you for it.