Smart Link sneaked out of his room, cautiously scanning the hall from side to side. He sidled up against the wall, occasionally hiding behind suits of armor, tiptoeing down the stairs and listening carefully before entering the next room.

"What's with the stealth moves?" he heard Ganondorf demand from inside the room.

"I'm hiding…" Smart Link peered carefully in the room, a small pantry, to make sure there was no one else other than the two of them.

"Hiding? That doesn't sound very heroic."

"Let me elaborate…I'm hiding from Stupid Zelda."

"Oh. That makes sense, actually. I came in here to get breakfast because I didn't want to deal with the entourage from last night." Crunching noisily on an apple, he pushed a bowl full of them toward Smart Link. "Get any sleep last night?"

For the first time Smart Link got a good look at Ganondorf and stopped in his tracks. The dark warlord had a head full of Shirley Temple ringlets. "Apparently not…I'm hallucinating…"

Spryte popped up from the back of Ganondorf's head. "I'm making his hair pretty!"

Smart Link couldn't speak; he just stared questioningly at Ganondorf and pointed.

"New coping strategy," Ganondorf said calmly. "I've decided that this is all a bad dream and I will eventually wake up as ruler of the real Hyrule. Oh, and you died in a nasty accident involving angry Cuccos. That or a misstep in boiling lava. The Cucco scenario is funnier."

"Uh huh." Smart Link cautiously took an apple. "Would that explain why you appeared last night in a bathrobe? You should watch what you do if you don't want Stupid Zelda hitting on you again…"

"Look, I didn't plan to come here, so I certainly didn't get to pack anything. I wasn't about to sleep in my armor, and of the two choices provided by the service here…well, I wasn't going to show up in yellow ducky pajamas, that's for sure."

"Fine, I don't really care, I just…" Smart Link paused. "Did you say yellow ducky pajamas?"

"I did."

Link looked like he had a lot of questions to ask about this, but the one that came out was, "They have those in your size?"

"Apparently so."

Whatever Smart Link had as an answer for this was cut off when Stupid Link walked in the room. "I was wondering where you guys were." He reached for the bowl of apples.

"That's one big black eye you've got going," Ganondorf observed, staring openly at Stupid Link's swollen face.

Stupid Link hunted through the pantry cupboards for bread. "Your Zelda caught me trying to sneak in her room."

"WHAT?" Smart Link's mouth nearly dropped to the floor. "Why would you do that?!"

Ganondorf chuckled. "Give him another black eye, Link!"

Stupid Link turned, puzzled, completely unimpressed with his crime. "I did it once with my Zelda and she didn't mind 'cuz I brought her flowers. Well, I guess 'sneaking' isn't the right term. I jumped in through the window. I thought she'd find it heroically charming."

"You know, you really shouldn't startle her," Ganondorf told him sagely. "Our Zelda may dress like a pretty princess, but she knows how to defend herself."

Smart Link stared, then turned back to Ganondorf. "We have got to get out of this place and away from these people. I'll go see if I can find the other two Zeldas."

He ran back up the stairs, nearly slamming into Stupid Zelda. "Oh!" she exclaimed happily. "Can I talk to you? I really want to discuss something you mentioned last night…"

"Uh, in a hurry, um…bathroom. Gottagobye!" Smart Link disentangled her hands from his tunic and sprinted up the stairs. As he reached the guest bedrooms, he heard her squeal in delight and assumed she had discovered Spryte's makeover.

He knocked on Smart Zelda's door. "Who is it?" a testy voice demanded.

"It's me," Link answered. "Both Stupid Ones are downstairs pestering Ganondorf."

She opened the door with a sigh of relief. "I'm not sure how much more of this I can take."

He gave her a grim smile. "The battle is just beginning."

They walked slowly downstairs, not at all eager to meet up with the others. When they finally reached the pantry, they were surprised to see Spryte and Stupid Zelda pouting in a corner, Stupid Link with two black eyes, and Ganondorf as bald as an egg. "Coping strategy didn't work," he explained calmly as he bit into a second apple.

-&-

"All right, is everybody packed?" Smart Link asked as he secured his bedroll behind the saddle of one of the horses the King had loaned the group.

"My eyes are killing me," Stupid Link whined.

"Whose fault is that?" Ganondorf demanded.

Stupid Link turned to Stupid Zelda. "I bet they'd feel better if you kissed them."

She scowled at his swollen face. "Eww, gross!"

Sighing, Smart Zelda said, "Sit down here and I'll heal them for you."

Stupid Link scrambled over to a hay bale in the stable and plunked himself down like a puppy expecting a biscuit. Smart Zelda touched his eyes quickly, briefly, and when she brought her hand away his eyes had gone back to normal.

"Wow, that's amazing," he said as he felt his face. He leaned forward. "Now I have to thank you…"

Smart Zelda sidestepped him. "You can thank me by getting ready." Stupid Link complied, pouting.

The entire castle turned out to see the party off. The three otherworlders looked around in puzzlement at the flying fairies and ticker-tape that had been somehow thrown into the equation, waving half-heartedly at the crowd cheering them on. "Well, I always figured the people of Hyrule castle would be happy to see me leave, but this isn't quite how I imagined it," Ganondorf quipped.

"Dearest!" the King called out to his daughter as they exited the gates. "If you go into Miko Village, don't forget to pick up another pair of Puddles the Duck jammies!"

-&-

"So I thought to myself, if the frog curse has to be lifted by a princess kissing Link, and Zelda won't do it, why can't I?" Spryte chattered happily as she flew alongside the dark warlord's head. "I'm a princess too you know…a fairy princess! So, I did it and he changed back!"

"Well, I guess I have to give Ganon credit for that one," Ganondorf admitted. "Stupid Link would probably still be a frog by now if it wasn't for you…though him being smaller and easily squishable would have been an improvement."

Spryte giggled. "You're such a kidder!"

"Sure." He glanced over at the other two. Stupid Zelda had gone back to pestering Smart Link, while Stupid Link contented himself with staring at Smart Zelda. With the others paired off, he was stuck with the chatty fairy.

Bored out of his mind and hoping to pass the time, he said, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you see in the guy?"

Bad idea. "Oh, you know, the whole heroic thing, and he's so cute, especially when he's on one of his damsel-in-distress rescue missions…I wish he'd do that with me but I can fly and fit into really small spaces so these situations don't really present themselves as often as I'd like…"

Ganondorf shut her out and concentrated on the landscape. Unfortunately it made him yearn even more deeply for the breathtaking beauty of his own world. He normally didn't pay attention to such things, but he had to wonder if the Goddesses in this world were just as dumb as their creations, or if they just had never been very good at art.

"…and then he does this really cute thing with his nose, you know, he just sort of wiggles it in his sleep and…"

"Okay, I get it." He cut the fairy off. "New topic, please. Uh, you ask something."

"Oh! Okay. Um…." A look of intense concentration crossed her face. "Do you like Zelda?"

"Pass. I've heard that one before."

"Darn. Okay…I think your Link's cute. Don't you?"

"What kind of stupid question is that?!" Ganondorf raised his hands. "Okay, ground rules. No questions about cuteness, dating, puppy-dog eyes or anything related to romance. Actually, just that one rule is fine. Well, go ahead, fire away."

Spryte looked blank. "Uh…."

"All right. Here's a good topic. I'm going to list all of the things I have planned for my Link should he ever get in a position where he can't defend himself. Number one…"

A few minutes later Spryte flew over and hid under Smart Link's hat. "Hey, wait, I haven't told you the one about the boiling oil yet!" Ganondorf yelled after her.

"Hi," Spryte greeted Smart Link, peeping out from under his hat.

"Hi," he replied.

"Excuse me," Stupid Zelda groused. "We're talking here."

Smart Link seemed happy for the diversion. "You don't see many fairies back home," he told her. "I don't know many that talk, either. My predecessor, the Hero of Time, had one that followed him around, though. Do you follow your Link wherever he goes?"

"I try," Spryte replied, eliciting an exasperated sigh from Stupid Zelda. "He doesn't always let me, though. I don't know why he doesn't acknowledge my feelings for him…"

"What do you do, then, when you're not with him?"

"Oh, I stay at the castle, cleaning up after lazy ol' Zelda, dusting her stuff…"

Stupid Zelda folded her arms and huffed, and Smart Link scratched his head. "You dust her stuff?" he turned to Zelda. "Don't you have chambermaids or something?"

Sticking out her tongue at Spryte, Stupid Zelda replied, "I do, but she wanted an excuse to stay in the castle, to be around Link."

Smart Zelda had had enough of the stares from Stupid Link and nudged her horse around on the other side of Ganondorf, who smiled graciously. "Is this guy bothering you? You like I should do something about it?"

"Just stay between us, if you would please," Smart Zelda said between gritted teeth.

"Happy to oblige, Your Highness." Ganondorf nudged his black charger closer as Stupid Link attempted to get between them.

"Hey!" Stupid Link yelled. "I wanna talk to her!"

Ganondorf turned to Smart Zelda. "Want to switch places?" It was a rhetorical question. She shook her head. "The lady said no," Ganondorf told Link.

Stupid Link shoved Ganondorf. "Move it, fatso!"

Without batting an eye, Ganondorf seized his tunic, yanked him out of the saddle, and dumped him unceremoniously onto the ground. Stupid Link sat grumpily rubbing his backside for a few moments, then ran to catch up with the rest of them.

"What's that?" Smart Link asked, shading his eyes from the sun as he scanned the landscape. A huge dark mass appeared before them on the ground, with an undulating dark cloud hovering above it.

Smart Zelda squinted at the oncoming horde. "I think the flying things are a flock of Keese…the others are…bulldogs?"

"Moblins!" Stupid Link exclaimed, flopping himself over his horse in an attempt to get back into the saddle.

"Why are there so many of them?" Stupid Zelda demanded in a panic.

"If I had to guess," Ganondorf said gruffly, "I'd say Mr. Piggy is throwing a temper tantrum because we wouldn't let him tag along."

Stupid Link managed to seat himself in the saddle and pulled out his sword. "I'll handle this!" he yelled as he spurred his horse forward.

"No! You can't do it alone!" Stupid Zelda exclaimed in a rush of high drama. She drew her bow and arrows and rode forward.

Smart Link and Zelda looked at each other, then at Ganondorf. "I guess we should help them, huh?" Link asked.

Ganondorf yawned. "If we must."

Stupid Link fell off his horse upon contact with the Moblin horde. As he swung his sword at the massive pack of enemies, Stupid Zelda unleashed a torrent of arrows into the fray, nearly hitting him several times.

"Calm down!" Smart Link yelled to the pair. "We're going to help you!" He stared in surprise as one circular rush eliminated a good twenty of the bulldog-faced Moblins. Behind him, Smart Zelda fired her own arrows, just one passing through another twenty or so and making them disappear. Ganondorf sat idly in the saddle, swatting at Keese as if they were merely a swarm of mosquitoes.

"Whoa!" Smart Link exclaimed as Stupid Zelda nearly nailed his right arm. "Watch where you're firing those!"

"Uh, guys? Little help?!" Stupid Link cried out to the group as he disappeared under a gang of Moblins, Spryte attempting to pull him out by his hair.

"All right, enough goofing off." Ganondorf got off his horse and pulled Stupid Link from the grasp of his enemies. "Stand back, the rest of you. I'm going to show Ganon what being the bearer of the Triforce of Power really means."

Smart Link and Zelda sprinted back behind him, the other pair following suit. Ganondorf made a motion with his arm vaguely like that of a baseball pitcher, and hurled a massive fireball into the fray. When the flash of light subsided, only scorched grass remained.

Stupid Link and Zelda stood with their mouths hanging open as Ganondorf nonchalantly mounted his horse. "Let's move on, shall we?"