A Terrible Plan

Shrek let the waves knock at him, he wished they'd hit him harder, wear him down until he didn't exist anymore. He didn't know how to feel at that moment in time, or even how to think. It was almost serene how empty he felt. Almost as if nothing was real, that crate, the trip with Artie, their visit, the kids, his wife, that tower... He was going to wake up from some terrible, twisted nightmare in his lonely bed, to his empty house that never had any visitors. That would be better. Much better. That would be the life he deserved. He didn't deserve the sympathy his friends would give him, the free ship the kingdom would give them, the way his wife would fall against him once she heard the news. He wanted her to blame him, to scream at him, to tell him to leave and never come back. Perhaps she would at first, but she wouldn't forever. She would agree with the others, as Artie had already said, there was nothing he could have done to know, or save them. She would claim to need him, and he didn't want her to. He especially didn't deserve her, she shouldn't have been his in the first place. It was almost funny, in a sick way, that Fiona had always been right. She would have kept them at her side at all times, she wouldn't have let them run onto the ship by themselves, or she would have followed them everywhere they went. He'd tell her to relax, they'd be fine. He'd tell her, if they got into trouble, they'd have to deal with their own consequences. Except. They didn't deserve this. They didn't deserve to be carried off into the middle of the ocean until the crate would sink or flip over and they'd... they'd...

His face creased up. He looked down to the waves that knocked into him. A couple of tears managed to escape from his eyes, he let them run freely down his cheeks. He wanted to bury his face in his hands, wipe them away. But he knew they were all watching him. He didn't deserve to be emotional about this. It would only make their reactions worse. And yet he was. He let the waves push him around, finally too weak to withstand them, staggering this way and that. The magnitude of the situation seemed to hit him full force. The three children were easily his biggest achievement, they were all he ever thought about, spoke about. His life was so dedicated to those three little people... Those people who would never really get to be people, not anymore. He finally lifted his head, what would he even tell Fiona? She had been waiting her whole life for those children. She had said it herself, they were their happily ever after. How could he do that to her? He couldn't. Perhaps he'd be better off just disappearing, leaving her life without a word. Everyone else could go back and tell her. She was the one who deserved their comforting words and their shoulder to cry on. She had been nothing short of perfect. All he seemed to do was screw everything up, over and over. He was better off alone, or maybe even finding his own crate to carry him away into the ocean.

"Shrek?"

It seemed like forever before he heard Donkey's voice, of course it was much further behind him, the animal's height proving much of a problem. Artie had left soon after he approached, after the ogre had refused to respond to him. Shrek had just about heard them discussing, though he wanted to hear none of it. They had been at it for a while, Shrek's tears had dried and he had been glassily staring into the waves for a short time.

"Hey, Shrek!" his voice entered the ogre's consciousness again. He tried to ignore it, "Look, I know you can hear me, so just listen!"

"Leave me alone, Donkey," Shrek wasn't yet prepared to deal with anything, he wasn't sure if he ever would be, but now was definitely not the time.

"No," the animal's response came back incredibly quickly, "Just listen- just-" Shrek then heard Donkey splutter and cough. The ogre even began to turn back a little, but Donkey found his voice, "Okay, we've got a plan, we're-" he heard the animal grunt a little with the effort of hopping a wave, "we're going to find a magic user Shrek! We decided to..." he hopped another, "to get someone to help with magic, yanno, they do stuff like that every day! And then- and then we'll go find or rescue the kids and then get a- a ship back to Far Far Away and everything'll be great!" Donkey seemed to get more and more cheerful throughout his little speech, though it didn't do much to lift the ogre's spirits. He knew it was all futile. It was too late. "It's a good plan, don't'cha think? It was mostly mine, but Puss-" the animal was caught by surprise in all of his enthusiasm and was pulled under. Shrek sighed, wading back to where the animal was and summoned enough strength to pull him above surface coughing and spluttering, "Hey... cough... thanks man... cough."

"It's a terrible plan," Shrek spoke flatly, pushing Donkey back a couple of paces where he didn't have to battle with the waves.

"What?" Donkey seemed offended by his words.

"What?" Shrek rose his voice, "You saw what happened! They're gone! There's no magic that's gonna fix that!"

"They were floating, right?" Donkey remained enthusiastic. Shrek turned away from him, reuniting his gaze with the horizon line, "Perhaps they washed up somewhere!"

"I'm not stupid."

"Well, you could at least tell Fiona-"

"And then what, hm?" Shrek whipped around the face the animal once again, "Give her hope t' completely crush every last piece of it?" he gave a shuddery breath, gritting his teeth before turning back, tears threatening to fall once more, "Yah, great plan."

"Well," Donkey finally lost the cheeriness he held, "They're bringing a new boat round so you'd better get out the way."

Finally, after a battle of wills, the guys managed to coax Shrek out of the ocean. Everyone, in various states of dryness were safely aboard a new ship. Though the boat had not yet moved, the decisions about where to go were still being made. Shrek watched listlessly from where he sat away from the arguing group. He had watched to them go from listening to Artie to childishly bickering amongst themselves. The princess being one of the main instigators there. It made Shrek realise how pleasant and nice Fiona would have been had he actually been a handsome human prince. Instead he very much got a taste of the real Fiona. It hadn't taken long, but Artie was now getting a taste of the same. Clearly princesses had a problem with not getting their own way. It made his heart ache a little as he realised his Felicia probably would have been much of the same. He pushed the thoughts away and desperately tried to listen to where their plan was at now. He couldn't let himself cry. Not in front of all of these people.

"I've told you already, there are no magic users here," Elena folded her arms delicately. Shrek could tell she was trying to keep her voice soft and princess-like, but was definitely struggling with that.

"Not even any in hiding?" Artie was also exasperated with the whole ordeal. Though none of them listened to Shrek when he told them to just drop him anywhere and get on with their lives. It seemed reasonable enough to him. And yet, they continued to bother themselves with the impossible.

"No, not even any in hiding!" she threw back at him.

"Man, you're a tough crowd," Donkey remarked, gaining an icy glare from the princess.

"Puss, are you sure you don't know of any magic users around here? You're the one who's travelled the most!" Artie fought on.

"No, señor, my clients were usually of the non-magical variety and no one ever wanted to mess with those who could wield magic."

"Alright," a sigh, a hand dragged down a face, another sigh.

"King Arthur? I-"

"Leave Edmund."

It almost made the ogre smirk at how the worker scattered away from the king. Almost.

"I'm tired of waiting!" the princess suddenly exclaimed, "Can we please get moving?"

Shrek wondered if Artie would get to hear her princess voice soon. But realisation that he would likely never hear his own wife's again felt like a stab in the chest. He blinked back his shocked sadness and tried to return to his emotionless state, if he could ever reach that again.

"Wait," Puss leapt upon the ledge of the ship, "Correct me if I'm wrong but Merlin shouldn't be too far from our current location."

"Yeah!" Artie all but ignored Elena's outburst, "He wouldn't be far from here, we'd have to detour out a little..."

The princess suddenly turned, wandering dejectedly away from them. This finally caught Artie's attention. He began to approach her, but with a lost expression he looked back to Shrek. The ogre assumed it was for help, though he was in no mood to comply. Shrek simply dropped his gaze to the wooden planks under his feet, leaving the boy on his own. The constant reminders just within casual conversation were already too much for the ogre. It wouldn't be best to involve himself any more than he already had. He didn't want them to see him break down more. He didn't want to break down any more. It was painful enough as it was to keep swallowing down the lump in his throat that refused leave.

"You hear that, Shrek?" Donkey's loud voice caught his attention. Both his and Puss's eyes were on him, he couldn't stand the sympathy on their faces.

"Aye," his voice was weak.

"We're gonna go see Merlin!" his positivity was almost too painful for the ogre to bear, "We're gonna go save the kids!" Shrek flinched involuntarily. "Although, after what happened last time... I dunno..." Puss and Donkey met each other's gazes and cringed.

Artie was suddenly back, without Elena, he looked stressed. Shrek sighed again, the poor kid already had enough on his plate.

"Hey Artie, I'm um, having second thoughts about this Merlin guy," Donkey continued, "I mean, he screwed me and Puss up that one time, who knows what he could do to the kids."

"Yes, señor, we need to be careful," Puss added, giving Shrek a glance.

"I mean, we all used to get Farkle and Felicia mixed up before Fiona could get that bow in Felicia's hair," Donkey began to pace the deck, "But what if they really do get mixed up? Now that'd be a mess." He shook his head, "I mean, for a start, would they each be a girl or a boy? Would they have to become each other? Would we have to call Farkle Felicia, and Felicia Farkle? And I've not even started on what could happen to Fergus! It's just a lot to think about yanno?"

Shrek felt himself sink lower with each word the animal spoke. Hearing their names seemed to make things worse. He wanted none of this impossible mission. But... He did. He wanted to believe them. He wanted it to work, so badly.

"Believe me guys," Artie smiled at them, "I know it's hard, but back in his day, Mr Merlin was amazing."

"Really?" Donkey paused.

"Oh yeah!" Artie nodded. "I'm sure with something this serious, he'd be able to do it again."

"What if it doesn't work?" Shrek couldn't help but let that sliver of hope get the better of him.

The three friends seemed surprised by his speech, they all looked at him with that horrible sympathetic gaze.

"It will work," Artie gave him the best reassuring smile he could, though Shrek could still see the worry in his eyes. It wasn't convincing. Besides, Donkey did have a point, he didn't want his kids to get completely messed up by some terrible magic. But then again, if there was a chance, what was better, no kids or odd kids?

Eventually the group found themselves wandering through the strange little island they had accidentally found years ago. Artie vaguely remembered the trail from last time. Elena had eagerly joined them, desperate to get off of the ship, and was now walking beside him, her hand placed on the crook of his elbow. It wasn't the most ideal way to walk, but he figured he should humour her. He knew she wasn't there to join in on the adventure, it was a choice of him and his strange family or the crew she had no place in, it seemed he was the better option. Not that it truly left him in a good light, she'd barely even spared him a glance since they left the ship. He was torn, he had already given her the option to stay in her kingdom, but she had quickly refused it. Perhaps he should have made her stay, but then it would give him even less time to find someone to marry. He glanced to her, she seemed miserable. He knew she wanted him to give her his undivided attention, and do the whole hero thing and sweep her off her feet. But that wasn't him. The sooner she realised that the better. It had been okay, the king supposed. He'd heard Donkey retell the story of when Shrek and Fiona first met and his cousin seemed to be far worse of a princess than the one on his arm. It was difficult for him to imagine. Perhaps she wouldn't be so bad in the end, perhaps they just had to get to know each other. But right now, it appeared that the more she got to know him, the less she liked him. Artie wasn't sure where that would end.

"Man, it took weeks for my tail to feel right again," Donkey hadn't stopped talking since they left the boat, "I'd kinda gotten used to it being in the air all the time, yanno. Not that I liked that, let's just say it was breezy in all the wrong places."

Artie considered telling him to slow down a little, acknowledging Elena's discomfort, but hers paled in comparison to Shrek's. The ogre was walking behind the group, staring at the ground, he'd never known him to be so quiet. Artie figured Shrek probably needed a fair amount of distraction right now, and Donkey was the best person for it. The young king felt so guilty, he knew Shrek didn't entirely want to come with him. Many people advised him to not wait for his family before he went to pick up Elena. But he had been selfish and refused to leave until they would come with him. It wouldn't have mattered, he would have been just fine on his own. And none of this would have happened. Everyone would be safe and happy. Artie couldn't help but believe that deep down it was all his fault, he was the king, he should have made sure every crate and box was checked before loading it all onto the ship. They would have been found and returned to Fiona. There were so many ways he messed up. So now he was hoping Mr Merlin would be able to do something, not that he was as sure as he made out to be.

Finally, the group reached the opening with the small hut which belonged to the old magic teacher of his former school. Elena let go of his arm as he moved forward to knock on the door. Now she was eagerly watching him. He knocked a couple of times, and there was a pause, nothing happened.

"Maybe he's not in?" Donkey offered a suggestion from behind him.

Artie shrugged and went to knock again before the bright blue beam shot out from the small crystal box beside him making the entire group jump, "Gre-gre-greeti n g s..." they all watched, cringing a little as the hologram faded in and out, slurring and slowing the speech until it eventually fizzed out. Clearly things had not gone well for the wizard, Artie wasn't surprised. As the king approached the group Elena clung to his arm. He looked at her, and she didn't seem scared, she stood perfectly, but her grip was tight, and her wide eyes betrayed her true feelings. Magic clearly frightened her, at least she could see him as brave in that one moment. As much as he wanted to roll his eyes at her, he couldn't help but like it, even just a little. People never really looked to him in times of fear, he could certainly get used to that. Unless it was a spider, then his princess would be on her own.

Artie almost had to walk over to knock again before the door creaked open and Merlin's head poked out. Though he took no notice of his visitors, unintelligibly mumbling to himself. He raised a fist to hit the small crystal box but flinched, shaking his head, and dropped his hand.

"This is the wizard you were talking about?" Elena whispered, her grip on his arm eased.

"Yeah," Artie sighed heavily, watching him almost poke at the box again.

"He taught in a school?"

Finally the wizard turned to the group, the old man did a double take, and adjusted his glasses, a grin spreading over his face, "Oh my!" he stumbled giddily over to them, "I'm touched! You came back to visit after all these years!"

"Yeah, hi Mr Merlin," Artie couldn't muster any enthusiasm.

"Oh," the wizard clearly detected the sadness throughout the people on his doorstep. He squinted at them, "What's up? Why's everyone so gloomy, hmm?"

"We're actually not here for a visit..."

"We've got some important business!" Donkey interrupted Artie's statement.

Merlin was about to give a disgruntled reply, but another person emerged from the small home, "Oh my goodness, daddy is that a talking donkey?"

Artie couldn't help but give an audible gasp at the girl who stood in front of him, "Inogen?" He had barely whispered her name, and she ignored him as he expected. He knew she was Merlin's daughter back at school, but he had no idea he'd run into her ever again. In fact, the king would have better expected her to turn up somewhere in Far Far Away chasing after some impossible fantasy about singing. Alas it was her, looking as unchanged and spaced out as she always was in school.

"It is, my cupcake," Merlin pointed a crooked finger at Puss, "He talks too. Go on, speak, show her!"

"I am Puss in Boots," the cat bowed his head.

"And I'm Donkey!" the animal suddenly seemed proud, holding his head high.

The girl covered her gawping mouth with her hands and squealed, she looked back to the tiny home, "Anwas, my love! Come here and see this!"

Artie's face dropped further as a second school mate ducked out of the hovel, though much to his surprise he was bouncing a scruffy toddler on his hip. The young king, suspiciously eyed the inside of the home before the door swung shut, three people and a baby living in there? Without magic, he doubted it. As the family fawned over the animals, Elena leaned closer to Artie.

"Do you know them too?" she whispered.

"Yeah, I went to school with them," Artie whispered back, "I had math classes with their best friend, and kinda knew them because of that." Not that it was too much of a good thing, Artie concluded to himself.

Finally the girl in question moved her gaze to himself, "Oh Artie, my friend!" Almost pushing Elena out of the way, Inogen wrapped her arms around the startled king and hugged him tightly. He eventually managed to pat her back in response, holding his crown in place with his free hand. As she pulled away he half expected the same from Anwas, but he only nodded and winked at him. Artie forced a smile in return. "Hey, you remember that school trip to stone henge?" Inogen continued, oblivious to the discomfort she was causing, "We were bus buddies! It was when Lancelot was calling us loser lovers," she lost her enthusiasm a little before picking up and advancing towards a cringing Elena, grabbing onto her hands, "Don't you worry about the loser lover thing, it was only Lancelot and he was always so mean," Inogen's face creased into a frown for a second, oblivious to the look of disgust Elena was giving to her grime covered fingernails. "I'm sure you're very happily married, right you two?"

"Oh," Elena seemed shocked by her words. Artie sucked in a breath, fortunately his princess replied, "We're not actually married," she shook her head gently, "Not yet." She looked over at Artie, smiling nervously at him.

"You're marrying her?" Merlin piped up suddenly, he moved closer to Elena, squinting and adjusting his glasses.

"Uh-yes," Artie suddenly became very uncomfortable, not knowing where to rest his gaze.

"Incredible," the wizard gasped, "If only you could show that terrible Coach the school had, Coach... what was his name?"

"Coach Crankshaft?" Artie offered, heaving a sigh.

"Yes that one! My, I recall he said you'd never find anyone to marry. That you were too... weak, if I do remember correctly. I agreed," the wizard nodded eagerly.

Artie shifted his gaze uncomfortably to Elena, who was looking, eyebrows knitted, between him and Merlin. He wasn't surprised about the harsh words, but that didn't mean he wanted the girl he was going to marry to hear about it. He only wished she had stayed on the ship, with the people who only knew him as the king and sung his praises, rather than hearing stories about his loser days from school. He felt they were all too telling about his real personality, behind the crown and kings clothing. He could only hope Elena would continue to see the wizard and his family as crazy.

"Great," he said, just to say anything at all. But he then perked up, turning his attention to Shrek, who seemed completely lost in all of the commotion, "Anyway, we're here for a reason, Mr Merlin we need your help."

As Shrek expected, Merlin first refused to help, claiming he couldn't do magic like that anymore. But after some persuading from his friends and surprisingly the wizard's odd family, he came around to the idea and headed inside to find things. Thankfully Artie's high school reunion had ended when they had fled inside, too heartbroken by the story to continue. Merlin had reappeared on his own and had been rummaging through a box of junk for quite a while now. He was piecing things together, and seemed very enthusiastic but Shrek wasn't sure. He could tell Artie's spirits were high about the whole situation, but the ogre didn't know how to feel. He'd mainly been quiet the whole conversation, though he was forced to speak to give certain details and painstakingly admit that he didn't actually see them drown, so any state of consciousness was completely possible. Though apparently that didn't seem to help matters, as it made the whole plan much more complicated. Shrek wanted to tell them to give up, but the more he spoke about it, and listened to everyone, the more he believed it could actually work. Not that he wanted to raise his hopes. The ogre acknowledged how crushing it would be if it didn't work, so he had no choice but to cling to the hope that it would.

"There!" Merlin announced.

The group seemed to wake themselves up from the dazed state they had all seemed to fall into, and in Donkey's case sleep. Shrek raised a confused eyebrow at the contraption that the wizard seemed so proud of.

"That's it?" Donkey voiced everyone's concerns. He cocked his head to one side, staring at it, "What is it?"

"It's an answer box!" the wizard clapped his hands together, grinning at them. Shrek once again eyed the heap of junk sitting on the grass, it didn't look like anything special, considering it was very literally a box with twigs sticking out of the top.

"An answer box?" Donkey shot back, "How does that help?"

Merlin seemed to get offended by his words, he took a defiant step in front of it, "You were the ones who said they might be fish food now."

"Wait, you can't do anything about that?" Artie's face dropped.

"I can't bring back the dead, kid, sorry," he gravely shook his head, "That stuff is a slippery slope to villainy, can't be having that," he laughed.

Shrek's hopes hit the ground. He felt like he had been winded. The magical fix to the problem could only work if they were alive. Shrek desperately took shallow breaths as quietly as he could, swallowing the lump in his throat that returned with a vengeance. He couldn't break down. Not now. Not yet.

"Can't you just do it anyway, for us?" Artie almost fell from the log he was sitting on to his knees, "Please, Mr Merlin?"

"Even if I didn't care about the dark magic evil kind of thing," he shrugged, "I can't do anything like that anymore." He then perked up, showing off the magical box he created once again, "But with my answer box, you can find out anything you want!"

All eyes then rested on Shrek. He wilted under their expectant gazes.

"It's worth a try, boss," Puss patted his arm.

"Okay," Shrek tried to calm his frantic thoughts, mostly telling him to leave. There was a chance. He had taken it before for Fiona, and Artie too for that matter, he could do it again for his children. No matter how devastating the outcome, at least they could tell Fiona he tried.

"Now," Merlin's voice dropped to a lower tone, "You must think carefully, it will only answer once!"

"What does it do after that?" Donkey asked.

"It turns itself to dust," he looked back to the ogre, "No pressure."

Shrek looked down at the ground. He tried to steady his thoughts. He had one shot. He couldn't screw this up.

"Hey," Donkey piped up, "How 'bout, can I get my kids back?" he offered a suggestion, Shrek shot him a brief irritated look, "Or... or, did they drown? Maybe are they dead? No, no... Can they..."

Puss brought Donkey's helpful suggestions to an end with a kick to his leg. The animal yelped and muttered until he grew silent. As annoying as it was, Shrek actually found Donkey's suggestions helpful, in that he figured none of them would work. Asking if they were dead would only make another problem if they were actually alive. Knowing if he could get them back wouldn't help if the answer turned out he could. If any answer pointed out they were alive, he wouldn't have a clue where they were... Wait...

"Got it," Shrek confirmed to the group. They all seemed to brighten up, even the princess who was thoroughly against the whole idea in the first place. Perhaps her and Artie could consider this a bonding exercise, one Shrek hated to be a part of.

"Go on, Shrek, ask it!" Donkey leapt up.

Shrek took a breath, but was forced to let it go as Merlin was suddenly waving his arms in the ogre's face. "Wait! We must ready the answer box first!" the wizard tutted at them as if it was common knowledge. Shrek rolled his eyes, waiting expectantly. He just about acknowledged the door to the hovel creak open, his audience growing.

Merlin cleared his throat, "Are you prepared?" he asked the ogre in his most daunting voice.

"Aye," Shrek replied simply, watching as the old man skidded a sandaled foot in a circle around the box, almost tripping on several occasions.

"All mighty answer box, listen to us now!" he announced, waving his arms around and stamping one foot. Nothing happened. "Answer the impossible. Give away the unknown. And we shall listen to thou..." he paused, dropping his arms in thought, "answer...? I don't know," he mumbled quickly. They watched, unimpressed; nothing magical was happening at all. To make matters worse, the wizard then bent down - Elena giving a little shriek, shielding her eyes - and he grabbed a handful of dirt from the ground. He then straightened up, yelling a strange noise at the box and threw the dirt on top of it. He then returned to his normal voice, eyes finally resting on Shrek, "Ask away, monster."

Shrek glanced to all those watching him and shifted uncomfortably. He hesitated a little, feeling somewhat stupid. His eyes finally shifted to the box, made of junk and twigs, and took a breath, "Where are my children?"

The box then jumped to life, it shook, picking up speed and bounced around in the circle. Sparks began to fly between the twigs sticking out the top of the contraption and a blue glow then appeared in the air above it. The box settled down, buzzing, as an image appeared. It was an island. One that looked small, covered in greenery, you couldn't see anything for it was covered in trees only breaking for some kind of mountain peak. Shrek stared blankly at it, though the magical family gasped in horror, the baby even began to cry. He quickly looked to each of them, though they didn't seem to notice. The box then began leaping around again, the image disappearing and - as the wizard told them - burst into dust which settled on the ground.

"What is that place?" he jumped to his feet.

"Daddy, they can't go there!" the girl cried, she ran over grabbing one of the ogre's hands, "You can't go there! It's cursed by the witch!"

Shrek cringed away from her grip, "I've dealt with witches before," he shrugged off her panic.

"Not a witch like that," her partner's voice was smooth and calm despite the situation and the restless child in his arms.

"It's true," Merlin lightly and uncomfortably patted the back of his distraught daughter, "That island is where the wicked witch is!"

"Oh man, Shrek this doesn't sound good," Donkey's ears flattened to his head. The ogre spared him a glance, feeling the unease creeping back up his spine.

"It's not good, it's cursed," Merlin added.

"Cursed?" Puss stood on the log.

"Yes," the wizard nodded gravely, "Well, dead or alive, your kids are there. And who knows about that really," he snorted a little as he took a breath to continue his rushed explanation, "If they are alive, I wouldn't bet on them being alive long after you get there... you too," he gestured to the group, "But hey, that's just my opinion." Merlin shrugged and went back to his box of things.

Shrek looked at Artie, who helplessly met his gaze, "Can't you just teleport them out of there?" the young king questioned.

Merlin looked back, laughing, "I'm not going there to get them, I'm not a complete lunatic. You can if you want, completely mad..."

"Mr Merlin-"

"That's all I can do to help kid," the wizard interrupted him, "Unless you want a hug. I can give you a hug, that's the best kind of magic you know." He grinned, approaching the young king, but Artie backed away from the old man, who waved him off and went back to his things.

There was silence. Shrek knew he had to go. There would be a way, there had to be a way. Cursed or not, if his children were there, he would follow. But almost certain death? Of course the ogre would chance it for his children's lives. But he wouldn't ever want his friends to follow him.

"We are not going there," the princess was first to speak, "I apologise, but I refuse."

Artie turned to her suddenly, "Have you not been listening to all of this?" he snapped at her. She suddenly looked shocked at his reaction, staring at him wordlessly. "Of course we're going!"

"No kid, she's right," Shrek placed a hand on his shoulder, "yer not coming. None of you are."

AN: Fun fact, this chapter is as big as my entire university dissertation. Ha... haha...

Also, if this is your first encounter with Inogen and Anwas, they're actually hiding on the Shrek the Third special features. You'll find them in the Artie's Yearbook part, riiiight at the end.