Cottia came out of her room the next morning still wearing the clothes Merlin had given her. He was surprised. He had thought she would go back to her dress.
"You don't have to wear that yet," he said, breaking the silence that had lasted since their conversation about Arthur.
"I like them." She glared at him stubbornly. "Dresses are fine for playing, but I'm not used to them."
He nodded and turned away.
"Are you still mad at me?" The question came out in a rush.
"About what?"
"What I said about the King."
Merlin paused, one hand on the door handle. "No."
"You're lying."
"No, I'm not."
"Yes you are. You think I'm stupid." There was a distinct quiver in the voice now. He looked back at her. She was standing by the table, her hands gripping the edge.
"No, I don't think you're stupid. I think you're jumping to conclusions because you are very young and have never had the chance to see what the real world is like. You've lived your whole life in a box and now that you've found your way out, you don't know what to do or who to trust." He walked over and took her hands. She tried to bite him. "Just say you're sorry."
She glared at him, caught by surprise. So was he. "Why?"
"Is that your answer for everything? Because Arthur is my best friend and someday he could be yours too."
He could see her mind thrashing about, going from fury to indignation to fear. She tried to pull her hands away, but he held them firmly. "What do you say? I know you're not a savage, regardless of how much you act like one," he added as she made a determined effort to bite his fingers again.
For some reason, that stopped her cold. She stared up at him, something unreadable flickering behind her eyes and her mouth suddenly tightening. "I'm sorry," she said after a long pause. He let go of her.
"Thank you."
"Don't you think I'm not worth bothering with?" She shot the question at him fiercely.
"Why would I think that?"
"Most people do."
"I'm not most people."
0000
The look on her face stayed with him for the rest of the day. He had never seen that expression in human eyes. He had seen it before in the eyes of frightened animals. She was very much like a frightened animal, he decided, one that had been so mistreated that its only reactions left were to flee or fight.
"I saw you teaching the girl how to ride," said Arthur, breaking in on his thoughts. "How does she do at it?"
"She has a good sense of balance," Merlin answered absently.
"Will she be ready to come with us on patrol?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Merlin." Arthur caught his servant by the back of the collar as he passed him. "What's going on? What aren't you telling me?"
"Ow! Nothing! Nothing much, anyway." Merlin tried to wriggle out of Arthur's grip. The door opened and Gwen came in. She rolled her eyes.
"Leave him alone, Arthur."
Arthur released Merlin and gave her a look of angelic innocence. Merlin straightened his scarf and smiled at Gwen.
"I will never understand men," she announced sadly. "If you see women acting like you two, they're almost certainly mortal enemies, but you seem to communicate by hitting each other."
"Actually, Arthur hits me. I can't hit back."
"Yes, so you call me names I'm pretty sure aren't even real insults before you make them up."
"Whatever. Why don't you stop acting like children and try talking to each other for a change?"
"That's not as fun," Arthur protested. He went serious again. "Really, Merlin. What's wrong?"
"She still thinks you're a tyrant," Merlin blurted out. "We had a bit of a fight about it."
"I haven't done anything to her! Have I?"
"Of course she doesn't have a good opinion of us. She's judging us by the only standards she's ever known for authority. Getting angry about it will get us nowhere," said Gwen sensibly. She looked at Arthur. "Why are you so anxious that she likes us?"
"She's smart. She has better ratings from the Other Side than even the Doctor. I need people who understand the Other Side and think out of the box if we're going to stand against them, and I need those people to be completely loyal."
Gwen considered, her head on one side. "That makes sense," she admitted.
"She'll turn out like Morgana if we don't take care of her." Merlin's statement dropped like an anchor into the conversation.
"Surely not," said Gwen eventually. "She doesn't have magic, in any case."
"But she's clever. She won't need it," said Merlin desperately. "You've barely spoken to her. I live with her! She's impressionable now, but if she gets the wrong ideas about you she'll turn against you forever."
"Well, don't fight with her, then," said Arthur. "Don't make it worse. She'll get plenty of opportunity to see me in my natural habitat when we're on patrol."
0000
Cottia hugged her knees. She was sitting in the big ledge of one of the windows in the long galleries that ran all along the outside of the castle looking down on the courtyard. She watched as Merlin and Arthur crossed the courtyard and vanished under the little arch that she now knew was the main way in and out of the keep.
He wasn't afraid of her. She could tell. People had always reacted the same way whenever she had said what she truly thought about something; they went quiet and left in a hurry and then she found herself in trouble. Again. But Merlin had said what he thought right back, and she had been wrong and he had been right. She'd known that, but she'd kept fighting him anyway. And he still hadn't been afraid. He'd even made her apologize!
Most of her was still furious, but now the anger was joined by humiliation and embarrassment and a tiny bit of something she could not understand. Why was she so happy that he had corrected her?
Some knights were down in the courtyard now. They'd ridden in from the town. It was probably some kind of patrol. She dug her nails into her arms. Now she'd probably never be taken out on patrol. It hadn't sounded like much fun being wet and cold and on a horse for days, but someone had wanted her, and that had not happened to her very much in her life.
Yeah, cause even your parents didn't really want you. So why will Merlin care about you? You've know him for what, two months? Why do you want him to care? The thoughts bubbled up from some part of her brain she usually kept strictly clamped down. "That's not true," she whispered, leaning her forehead on her knees. "I had to go to school and learn things. They wanted me to go to the best schools. That's why they sent me away, so they could work for more money. They couldn't have brought me if they'd wanted - even though they had wanted to."
But other kids grew up in the farming towns, and they'd moved in with their parents, the voice said irrepressibly. "Shut up," she hissed. "They were losers. They'd never have any kind of life there." But they were happy and they didn't get punished every week, the voice taunted. Some of them didn't even have to get portals. Ever. "Shut up!"
0000
The footsteps echoed briskly around the vaulted ceiling of the gallery. "There you are," said a familiar voice. "I've got some time now, so let's go practice - Cottia?"
Merlin looked at the girl huddled miserably on the ledge, her arms wrapped around her knees and reaching up to cover her head. "Cottia," he said gently, putting a hand on each of her shoulders. She twisted around so fast that she would have fallen off and landed in a heap on the floor if he had not caught her. "It's all right," he said. "Only me." He restrained himself with difficulty from patting her on the head. She really did look like a frightened trapped animal.
"Don't I scare you?" she said. "I've always scared everyone else. Even my parents." Her eyes widened and her hands tightened. "No, not them," she added quickly.
"I told you I'm not most people. You don't scare me. Why was everyone else scared of you?"
"Because I had Thoughts and the portal could not stop them. They said I was sick, that I was possessed and had to fight the parasite. But I knew I was not. I'm not a host. I am the monster." She shrank away from him. "You've been kind to me, the only person ever to be."
"What about Sophie?" He had seen her happily walking around the town with the girl - who was incidentally the youngest adopted daughter of the Doctor, who was probably the only person in Camelot who had been through the same experiences as a child as Cottia. He wondered if she knew that.
"Sophie is still scared of me. Everyone is scared of me. That's how I know that I'm the monster. You don't know how that feels."
Merlin stood up, and pulled the cowering girl up beside him. "Actually, I do know how that feels. I know what it's like to fear for your life for something you cannot help possessing and that is not evil in itself. I thought I was a monster when I was your age."
Cottia stared into his blue eyes and knew that he was telling the truth. "But you don't think you are now?"
"I know I'm not."
"How?"
"I had a mentor. Someone who knew my secret and who believed in me. He encouraged me to be friends with Arthur. He helped me see that there is a place in the world for my gifts."
Cottia stared up at him for a long moment. "Will you do the same for me?" she said so softly he could barely hear it.
"Yes, I will." He took her hand. "Come on, little sister. Let's go practice riding."
She followed him meekly down the stairs and over to the stables. "Yes, brother."
0000
Today, Steady didn't seem quite as big, and his movements were a bit less unpredictable. Merlin talked Cottia through putting the saddle on, and that was not as scary as it seemed, either.
She walked Steady in circles around the stable yard for about half an hour. After the first few circuits, Merlin didn't even walk beside her, but stood watching in the middle. He saw that she had good posture and gentle hands, and was happy. Those were things that were hard to teach. He beckoned her to come to him.
When Steady stopped beside him, he looked up at his rider searchingly. Her eyes were still slightly pink-rimmed. Although she had not been crying when he had found her, she had looked as though she had been moments before. The best thing to do now was give her something else to think about.
"How is your shoulder doing? Would it stand another half hour of something a little different?"
"I suppose."
"Good." He moved to the horse's shoulder. "Follow me. Don't worry about the traffic." He led her through the streets of the town until they were in the fields between the wall and the woods. "Horses move more quickly than a walk, you know."
Some of the diffidence returned to her expression. Merlin swung himself up behind her. She shifted uneasily. "I won't let you fall," he reassured.
It's not that, she thought, but no one has ever been this close to me. Not while I was in any condition to notice them. She nodded. Merlin's arms were around her, holding the reins, and she could feel his warmth and how he was much better than her at moving with the horse.
"Don't we weigh too much for him?" she asked.
"You're a featherweight and I'm not that much heavier." She could hear the smile in his voice as he continued, "It's just like Merry and Dernhelm."
"Who?"
"Oh, you probably haven't gotten that far yet. That's later in the Red Book."
An uncontrollable smile broke free from her at the mention of the book. "I finished the first story, but I'm having trouble with the second," she confessed. "The words and sentences are so much different from what I'm used to. It hasn't been revised, has it?"
"No," said Merlin, turning Steady towards a path into the woods and letting him speed up into a trot. "You'll have the same problem when I find the books you asked me for. I've located some copies of them, but they're original editions. I should get them within the month. I'm sorry it's so slow, but books from the Other Side are rather a secret market. Nothing's officially wrong with reading them, it's just that most people aren't interested."
"I'll learn to read them," Cottia said firmly.
Arthur Pendragon leaned on the parapet of the outer wall and watched the two little figures on the horse enter the forest.
"What is it, Arthur?" Guinevere had come up. She slipped her hand inside his arm and stood beside him. He smiled at her.
"Merlin's teaching Cottia to ride. I think this is only her second lesson; she's a quick learner if he's already taking her into the forest. He's up behind her," he added as Gwen looked concerned.
"He likes her," she said. "I think he pities her because he sees a reflection of himself in her."
Arthur considered. "I suppose he does." He looked both directions along the wall. There was no one in sight, but he whispered anyway. "Don't you remember anything about - you know, Merlin? Didn't Gaius ever tell you?"
"Not in so many words, Arthur, and I can't be sure I'm putting the right interpretation on what he said. Why can't you just ask him yourself?"
They had had this conversation many times before, and it always went the same way. "Because I want him to tell me himself. If I ask him, it's like an accusation. If he tells me, it's because he trusts me. I want him to trust me enough to do that."
"The solution is simple. Legalize magic in Camelot."
"But if you are interpreting Gaius's words wrongly? If my memories are wrong? I can't remember anything clearly between being stabbed and coming out of the lake. Then what will happen to us? It could destroy the kingdom just like it did in Father's time."
Gwen sighed. "So we do nothing."
"So I keep trying to show Merlin he can trust me with his life."
"He'll be doing that if he does have magic and he tells you again."
Arthur shook his head irritably as some guards jingled past. "What do you think of the girl?"
"I pity her too. She needs to find her feet here. I think Merlin is the best person to help her. That reminds me: he asked me to find a warm jacket for her. I should go." Gwen shivered slightly. "It's definitely becoming winter now."
"Yes. We should start getting some of the big storms soon. I'll have to tell the men to make sure the lightning rods are working properly."
0000
Merlin nudged Steady and the horse began to canter. Cottia liked that. It was smoother. She looked around in surprise as he pressed the reins into her hands.
"What are you doing?"
"Your turn to steer. It's just the same as before."
They rode on in silence for a while. Merlin had put his hands on her waist. "That way," he said, directing her to the left at a fork in the path. They climbed up a hill and emerged on the top. There were no trees at the top, and a crumbling stone tower.
"This used to be a guard tower," said Merlin as they stopped. "We don't have the men to repair it now."
Cottia looked out over the way they had come. The castle looked fragile from up here, a delicate conglomeration of white lace. "That reminds me of my favorite book from when I was little," she said. "From before I went to school. It was about a girl who decided to become a witch to show people that witches weren't evil. She had friends who were little blue men that stole sheep, and she rescued the Baron's son from the Queen of Fairyland."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Why do people always hate wizards?"
Merlin was very glad she could not see his face. "I don't know."
"Because whenever people talk about them they say they're evil. But Tiffany wasn't evil, and neither is Gandalf. Why do people get so strange about magic?"
"Magic is dangerous, Cottia. It isn't evil in itself, but - if the heart of the person who has it is bad, it can do more damage than you can possibly imagine."
"How do you know?" There was no hostility in her voice, just curiosity.
"I have known people with magic," he said carefully. "It's a real force here. It doesn't seem to work in your world, but it does work here."
"Then why haven't I seen any wizards?"
"Magic is banned in Camelot. The penalty for using it is death."
"What? Why?"
"Arthur's father nearly lost the kingdom because of sorcerers. He decided to be safe and execute them all. Arthur is less brutal - he at least gives the unfortunate children who are born with magic a chance to escape - but he has never repealed the law."
"How do you mean born with magic?"
"Magic isn't really something you choose to learn. Either you are born with it or you're not. You can't help having it. Oh, you can learn a little if you aren't born with it, but people who do that only ever have a fraction of the power true sorcerers have." Cottia felt the coldness in Merlin's voice.
"So the king before this one killed people because of something they couldn't help? But that's no better than killing people because of their skin color."
"I know." Now he sounded incredibly sad. "There used to be an execution every week, if not more often. Uther was mad at the end, I think. It didn't help that his ward, who he loved like a daughter, was a sorceress. He didn't know when he adopted her, and neither did she. Her half-sister turned up one day and told her, poisoned her mind and filled it with bitterness and hate. She spent the rest of her life trying to kill both Uther and Arthur."
"What was her name?"
"Morgana."
"That's a beautiful name."
"She was a beautiful woman. But she was cold. At the end, she was just like Uther: willing to slaughter thousands just to make a point. She was the leader in the battle that killed Arthur."
"But he isn't dead now. How did that happen? Did she come back to life too?"
"I hope not." Cottia felt Merlin's hands tighten on her waist. "Arthur was healed in the Lake of Avalon, but it took three thousand years for him to rise again. And Camelot slept for most of that time. For them, it's just been about a decade since he died."
She stared out at the castle. "What will you do now? I mean, if this is a bubble universe, what is there to do?"
"We'll find our place again," said Merlin. "Camelot is destined to be a great kingdom, and Arthur is the Once and Future King. We will survive."