My eyes fluttered open to see Mom holding me while sitting on the couch. I closed my eyes again and turned towards her, relishing in her embrace. It took me another ten seconds or so to realize what I had just done, what I had just thought, and my eyes flew open. I tried to push away from her and get up, but her strong arms wouldn't allow it.
"Shh Darling, what's wrong?" Her voice was soft and gentle. All I knew was I had to get up. Why was I here anyways? What happened? Had I passed out again? It had been a few months since I had passed out. "Do you remember what happened?" She asked sensing my confusion. I resolved to the fact that she was holding me and I would just have to stay… Stay what? I certainly wasn't uncomfortable or unhappy. I felt vulnerable to her while she held me and kept me safe from the rest of the world, and myself.
"What's going on?" I was getting nervous. It didn't help the fact that her shoulders shook and she looked away from me for a long minute.
"What's the last thing you remember?"
"Emmett carried me downstairs… I tried to tell some jokes no one thought were funny…" My mind was filled with the image of Esme angry at me. Her eyes had turned black and she smiled in the most frightening way. Once again I struggled to be released, but this time out of fear.
"You need to calm down, everything is okay now. You are okay." The words didn't sound reassuring, coming from her. To my relief she laid me on the couch, but still sat next to me on it. "What else do you remember?"
"I…I made you mad." I whispered. "Then I woke up and you were holding me." I added. She started crying again. The woman had a mood swing problem. Maybe she was bipolar.
"I'm not mad at you, I love you Vera Rose Cullen. You scared me! You scared us all. You started screaming and holding your chest. Your heart was beating so fast I thought it would surely stop." A heartbreaking whimper escaped from her lips. "We all thought you were going to die. There was little that Carlisle could do, so we just held you and tried to help you calm down. All I could think about was making you feel loved, or at least comfortable, when you died. We all thought you were going to die in my arms." The memory became clearer as she told me about it.
"Emmett thought I was pretending." I whispered. "You aren't going to get angry again, are you?" I added.
"No. I wasn't angry at you. I was never angry at you. I was angry that you had never had anyone to love you. Do you remember what happened after all the pain?" I shook my head slowly. I was exhausted, but wanted to hear the rest of the story.
"I just remember it hurting, and then everything was okay." I pursed my lips in concentration. "Someone was holding me. I knew that even if I died, I was dying with someone who cared about me holding me." Realization dawned on me and my face heated up. "Oh, that must have been you. Then I guess I fell asleep." I felt the familiar chilling fear that I felt each time I almost died. Goose bumps covered my body. I didn't want to die. I took a deep breath. I was dying. I had known this for a long time, and I had accepted it.
"Everything is okay now. Aw Honey, don't cry." She wiped a tear away that I didn't know had fallen.
"I'm not crying." She laughed but did not argue with me. I closed my eyes and was about to fall asleep, but someone was poking and turning me. I opened one eye to see Carlisle in doctor mode.
"You need to take it really easy. You are on bed rest until I tell you otherwise. Do you know what caused you to nearly go into heart failure?" I must have been really tired, because if I was fully awake I would have known not to say what I did. I would have known how bad it would hurt Mom's feelings.
"She scared me to death. Wouldn't have been the first time a foster parent lashed out at me." I rolled over and buried my head in a pillow that seemed to appear out of nowhere. The couch shifted, but I didn't look up to see who sat down or got up. "Before you go to sleep, Rosalie wants to know if she can come in here and talk to you." I nodded and was soon embraced by another pair of cold and hard arms.
"Don't ever do that to me again! I thought I lost you. I can't lose you." Rosalie was crying, hugging me, and rubbing my back.
"I'm sorry I'm going to die. I'm gonna sleep now." I muttered.
Instead of nightmares of dying or being alone, I dreamed of myself being more alive than I had ever felt. I was surrounded by the Cullen family and we were all happy. My hair had grown back and my eyes sparkled gold like theirs usually did. We laughed and talked about nothing of importance. I awoke with a smile on my face. I looked around to see someone had carried me to my room and laid me in bed. The clock on my nightstand said it was six o'clock, but I had no clue if it was morning or evening.
"Are you awake?" Rosalie whispered. She was lying on the other side of my bed.
"Yeah. I'm tired, but what is new with that?" I smiled. "I had a good dream." I told her.
"I know. You sleep talk a lot." I had been told this before, so I was not startled by the information.
"What is everyone doing?" I asked.
"I am talking to you, Em and Jas are playing chess, Edward in his room, Alice is shopping, and Carlisle is trying to console Esme who is still crying." My eyes grew wide. What had I done?
"W-why is she crying?" I whispered, knowing I was the cause.
"Because she nearly killed you and all she wants to do is be your mother." I appreciated Rosalie's honesty. "She didn't mean to frighten you. She loves you so much, more than the rest of us I think. She would never say it out loud, but it's true. Before her favorite was Edward." Rosalie made a face showing annoyance when she spoke Edward's name.
"I overreacted and misread the situation. It was my fault. Mo-Esme would never hurt me… I don't think she would. Has anyone here ever hurt you? This isn't one of those families that start out all nice and turn scary is it?" I asked her.
"No. We are a scary family, but no one here is abusive." A weight I was unaware had existed lifted from my shoulders. "I know Esme can be a scary when she is upset, but why did you react that way? Jasper said you acted like she was going to attack you." She lowered her voice to a whisper and stroked my arm. "You haven't been abused, have you?" I shook my head.
"No. Not really. I mean…" I thought back to one of my foster mothers, the one I was with when I first started chemo. "… Maybe a little. I don't know what constitutes punishment exactly, and what form of punishment is acceptable. I guess the definition of abuse is an opinion, and I have not formed my own on the subject." I shrugged it off. Rosalie repositioned me so I was sitting up against the pillows.
"You can talk to me about it if you want to. Sometimes it helps to talk." She was filled with kindness.
"If you want to know I will tell you, but there isn't much to tell."
"Only tell me what you want to. I don't want you to feel pressured." I smiled at her.
"I was in a foster home when I first started chemo. My foster mother hated it when kids were lazy and I just wanted to lie in bed all day and I threw up all over the house when she made me get up. I was too exhausted to clean up after myself and in too much pain. Once I even fell asleep on the floor next to my barf. She had kicked me to wake me up. Aside from that it was just a few smacks on the back of the head and when she got really angry she would grab me or push me into the wall and scream in my face. She didn't understand what I was going through and she didn't expect to have a sick kid in her house when she agreed to take me in. I wish she would have just sent me to the group home instead of torturing herself taking care of me. I was a whiny kid, and that didn't help the situation. It wasn't her fault I was sick or that I was her responsibility." Rosalie hugged me.
"I am so sorry you had to go through that, but I promise that none of us would ever intentionally hurt you. I would kill anyone who tried. What you described to me, that is abuse babe."
"But not bad abuse. Not enough to complain about, anyways. Not when kids are being chained in basements, tortured, and raped or whatever." I didn't want to make a big deal out of this. "I totally overreacted with… What do I call her, because I don't know and it's driving me nuts? Mom and Dad? Carlisle and Esme?"
"Whatever you feel comfortable with, but don't be afraid to call the Mom and Dad if you want to. Carlisle and I have some… differences in opinion, you could say. We aren't that close, but he knows I love him. Esme too. Our family dynamics are hard to explain. The thing you need to understand is that they took all of us in, loved us, and took care of us. Even when we make mistakes they love us and welcome us with open arms, always." I laughed, but it hurt.
"Sounds too good to be true." I commented and she laughed too. I started to get out of bed but she held me back. "What are you doing? I need to go apologize."
"You are on strict bed rest. I am in charge of carrying you to the bathroom." I groaned. At least he wasn't making me use a catheter. I shivered at the thought.
"Sorry you have to babysit me."
"I don't have to- I volunteered." I smiled.
"Could you bring…" I took a deep breath and hoped for the best. "… Mom in here?"
"Of course." Rosalie left and returned quickly, Mom in tow. "Here ya go. I'll be in my room." She left again and Mom stood in the doorway.
"Come in?" I asked her, but she just stood there. I patted the spot on the bed next to me. "This is your spot, remember?" I asked. She cautiously walked in the room and sat on the bed. Pushing my needless fears aside I put my head on her shoulder. She was stiff and looked uncomfortable, so I decided to start. "I am sorry that I was disrespectful and raised my voice. I am sorry that I am such a burden to you and your family. I am sorry that I upset you and made you feel guilty. My heart problems are not caused by you or anyone else, but by me. I am nothing but thankful that you took me in, and I never expected for you to actually care about me. I don't know how to have a Mom or how to be a daughter, let alone how to love anyone." Looking at her soft expression I found myself unable to stop the word-vomit. "I don't want people to know this, but I am terrified. I am terrified of dying, I am terrified of dying alone, I am terrified of the pain I feel, I am terrified of losing you, I am terrified every time I eat, and I am terrified that you won't think it was worth bringing me into your home after I die." I wrapped my arms around her as tight as I could. I was nervous when she didn't respond in a similar manner. "If you don't hug me back I am going to be convince you hate me and don't want me here. So if you do care now is the time to do something." I informed her and was immediately embraced.
"I love you so much. Most of the things you apologized for you needn't have. You are not a burden but a blessing to our family. We all love you and I know that this is scary- it's scary for me too. You are always worth it and being a daughter is easy. All you have to do is love your family." I frowned into her hair.
"I don't know how to love or be loved." I whispered.
"Of course you do. Everyone knows how to love; sometimes it just takes time to love people. I think you and I both know that you already love us. I hope you do. I think you try to hide it, but I am a mother and mothers know everything. Ask any of the kids and they'll tell you that I know everything." I heard laughter from all over the house and I could've sworn that they could somehow hear our conversation.
"You are too good to be true" And she was. They all were too good to be true. What kind of being could show so much compassion and tolerance? What kind of person could love and take care of someone like me? "Are you sure you are human? Because I am not sure you are real." I laughed.
"Give me a wand and call me your fairy godmother." We both laughed.
(Author's Note: Hi readers. Sorry this chapter (not unlike most of the chapters of OLW) seems to be me rambling… because that is exactly what it is. I tend to word-vomit and that is my writing style. Awkward sentences and paragraphs that run on (and on and on and on). I know how I am going to end this story… but I am not sure what to do between now and then. If I do what I want to do it'll basically just be Miss Vera Rose hanging out with her lovely family. And more hanging out. And more hanging out. For a really long time. So I have options if you'd like to throw your opinion at me? Time jump? I sit here and write all those little unimportant but sweet moments? Or I could hurry up and end it? I have already written 114 pages. That is a lot and I am not really allowed to be writing anything fiction (My mother loves technicalities when "not-punishing" me. She wants me to do things like talk to people (NO!)) Anyways, any suggestions that you have for the story would be realllllly appreciated. I am writing another fanfic and posted it on my page. It starts right after Bella is returned to her house, after Edward dumps her. It's a little different and will be an anorexia/bulimia story. It may become a trigger for me so I may stop it randomly- but I think I can do this. I really like writing depressing stories. It is what I do. So if you choose to read whatever I post, don't expect rainbows and butterflies. Not for this story either. Love you all and thanks for reading!)