A/N: I'm sorry she acts so egotistical here. It had to be done. Huge thanks to hyacinthgirl18 for betaing. You should really read her stories. They are Fabulous.
Disclaimer: If you're looking for Stephenie I suggest two universes over.
CHAPTER SIX:
NO
I don't need anyone, I thought as I stumbled through the night. If anyone saw me they would probably assume I had been drinking.
I could not bring myself to care. It didn't matter what anyone thought of me. Not even myself.
I was nothing but a menace. Cindy Crawford never got valedictorian our sophomore year. I smudged her record.
Now she must hate me.
Mom and Charlie had to pay for my room and board. My food, even the small amounts I had. I was a bad, horrible person. No wonder they hated me.
At the hospitals in Phoenix I had been to often due to injuries, I had been a mean person, distracting the doctors from their duties. A menace to the people in the ambulance. The doctors and nurses. Because of my wounded limbs there was less plaster and casting material for everyone else. A nuisance to my mothers kindergarden teacher's health insurance… A menace to Dr. Cullen. I was a waste of his time.
I was annoying; to Sam who rescued me from the harsh woods, to Mike who let me run up the phone bill, to the rats that I startled, to the boy scouts bench. The bench may have lasted a while longer was I to not have sat on it, to smudge its surface. It may have lived for more years if not under my weight. Even over such a short period of time.
I searched for one good thing I had done in this world. There was none. I was a provocation to everyone; to time as it flew by, supporting me; to the earth. I even aggravated myself.
I was a nuisance… a pain in the neck. Surely a pest in the truest sense, for I only made trouble. Attracted it more than once. I was a worthless addition to society.
Nothing wanted me, not the blue sky above, or the dirt that squished under my feet, and I had no allegiance to anybody in-between.
I did not deserve to live. Think of the men and women, the sweet children, hardly more than infants that died everyday. All because I was there. I took and ate the food they desperately needed. Stole the medicine their bodies craved. I ruined the lives of plants and of bugs by stepping in the grass that was so abundant here. I shattered the frail world of the rats in the alleyways. They would all benefit if I wasn't here.
I stopped, landing heavily on the hard ground, pleased with the newfound pain coursing through my rear. I was such a masochist.
Listening to the sound of my heavy breathing as I leaned against the brick wall, I thought this, letting the sensation of guilt wash through me.
With every breath, I came a new reason. Sports; I've caused more injuries on not only myself but others in a single round of tennis than most stuntman inflict on themselves in all their life.
Air; there would be more oxygen if I were not here to inhale it.
Oh how many times had I seen a weed in my mother's garden and not bothered to pick it? How many times have I read but not written? How many times had I taken and not given back? Not once have I contributed to anyone on this earth. Not once have I done anything- anything other than taking it all for granted.
I had done community service; the idiocy of it now struck me, the uselessness of it all, staying in the children's ward of the hospital where I had gotten some hours in, just hoping that someday I could go to college and get away from my parents.
Which was now no longer a problem. I had learned in the few months I had assisted the tear-eyed mothers in pursuit of making their children's last moments happy.
I was foolish, I now saw. Giving the small children false hope. I wished they survived. Few did, though the others- they did not. Others that with my help had though they'd see another day.
How cruel it had been for I to raise their hopes that way. To hurt them so.
I did not deserve to give them hope. How did I live with myself?
That's it! I said to myself, jumping up.
I couldn't. I didn't warrant being cared for. I did not deserve to live.
I saw headlights in the distance and the most essential question ran through my head once more.
Was there even one thing I contributed to society?
No, not one flew into my brain as adrenaline seized my veins.
Now was my chance.
I leapt to my feet and ran to the road. I did not even stop to hesitate before jumping in front of the speeding car.
A flash of light was all I saw as I prepared to die.
I no longer deserved to live. I never had.
So I wouldn't.