Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

A/N: Sorry to let you wait so long, but I wrote this chapter many times since it was never as I expected it to be. Hope you'll like this final version! WARNING: this chapter will feature Josh, but as promised I took good care of him... ;)

I'm constantly amazed at the amount of alert this story had received till now and very pleased to read your opinion and reviews, so don't stop cause it's good to know you appreciate what I wrote!

Thanks as always to my great beta SammieSpy!

Chapter 6: Substitute for love

Kate laid curled up on her couch flipping almost absently through the TV channels, hoping to find something that would take her mind off Castle for a while.

She left the precinct earlier that night. After his departure and her chat in the ladies room with Lanie she found herself staring at the murderboard with no real clue as to what she was looking for. When she noticed Ryan and Esposito looking suspiciously at her from their desk she decided it was pointless stay at the precinct.

So she went home, changed into her running clothes and jogged the next hour through Central Park trying to focus on anything except her partner. And for a while it worked just fine. She wore herself out so much she wasn't even able to think by the time she came back home.

She showered quickly than padded barefoot through the house covered only in a white towel looking for her body lotion.

And that was a huge mistake.

As soon as she opened the bottle, the smell of cherries assaulted her nostrils. Needless to say, Castle broke into her mind once again, his playful grin, his flirtatious attitude.

So there she was, wrapped up in a blanket watching with very little interest a Letterman rerun and all the while stealing glances at her cellphone on the coffee table hoping that the display would suddenly light up with the picture of her favorite author smiling back at her.

Fat chance. As much as Castle promised to act normal, she knew he was trying to distance himself from her. He wouldn't be calling, at least not that night.

Maybe I should just call him, she mused.

Kate disentangled herself from the blanket to reach the phone. She flipped through the numbers until she found the one she was looking for. Her thumb hovered hesitantly over the call button for a few moments before she groaned in frustration and turned the phone off abruptly, tossing it to the opposite end of the couch. At least that way she wouldn't have spent the rest of the evening checking it like a schoolgirl waiting for the cute boy she had a crush on to call her.

Kate started to readjust herself into her blanket cocoon whan she heard a soft but insistent knock on the door that resounded loudly in the quiet apartment.

Could it possibly be him? Her heart skipped a bit as she sprung on her feet fidgeting nervously with her hair and clothes, hoping she didn't look as crappy as she felt.

Kate opened the door trying to put her best poker face on, but as soon as she stared at the man in front of her she hoped her disappointment wasn't written all over her face.

"Josh?" she asked puzzled. Her tall, gorgeous boyfriend smiled at her, obviously unaware of her internal turmoil.

"Is this a bad time?"

"No, it's just... I wasn't expecting you to stop by." Kate stammered, then narrowed her eyes. "Weren't you supposed to have a double shift tonight?"

"Yeah, but the colleague who asked me to cover for her actually made it, so I left earlier." the doctor explained before leaning over her and placing a gentle peck to her lips. Not really expecting an invitation Josh passed her by and deposited the pizza box in his hands on the coffee table. He then turned toward her, still silent by the door.

"Have you eaten yet?" he asked, discarding his leather jacket on the couch behind him.

"I'm not really hungry." Kate replied, finally closing the door and approaching him by the sofa. He was standing there, his arms opened in a clear invitation for her to move between them. Kate leaned against his hard body, wrapping her arms along his waist and sighed when he gently kissed her forehead.

"Bad day at work?" he whispered softly against her hairs.

"Something like that." she offered cryptically.

Josh leaned back and, disentangling himself from her embrace, but resting his hands firmly on her hips. He searched her eyes with his unsuccessfully. "Wanna talk about it?"

"Just a new case and no suspect." she lied, looking at his chest.

Josh's eyes narrowed and Kate knew even without looking at him that he was pondering if she was telling the truth.

"Ok." Josh simply said after a few moments of perusal. He kissed her tenderly on the cheek, then squeezed slightly her hips before letting her go. Then he turned and sat on the couch, opening the pizza box and bringing a slice to his mouth.

Kate knew that Josh wasn't stupid enough to buy her poor explanation and even if a small part of her whished he hadn't dropped the subject so soon, the other promptly pointed out that what was really bothering her wasn't something she could have discussed with her boyfriend. She held back a sigh, and sat on her legs on the couch beside him, who was finishing his slice of pizza and chuckling at Letterman's jokes.

With her arm propped against the back of the couch and her head resting on the hand attached to it, she found herself spacing out. There was a whole part of her life she kept from Josh and for the hundredth time she wondered why.

Her mother's death? Too intimate to be spoken about. Yet you poured your heart and soul to Castle after only a couple of month of knowing him, she reasoned.

Her relationship with Castle? Too ambivalent to be explained. It's not that I could talk to Josh about the unresolved issues between us, she argue with herself. About him leaving in less than two months. About the kisses we shared.

Kate closed her eyes as memories flooded her mind. She couldn't suppress the shiver that ran through her spine as flashes of lips connecting and teeth bruising crossed unabashed behind her closed eyelids. When she reopened them her boyfriend's hazel eyes were looking concerned at her.

"Are you cold?" he asked cautiously, casting a glance towards the discarded blanket.

She shook her head, but this time he didn't give up. "Kate, you know you can tell me everything, right?"

She smiled at his thoughtfulness and lifted her hand to his cheek, caressing it gently. "I'm not good at it." That was a truthful answer.

Josh's hand covered hers and squeezed it reassuringly. "You make it look a lot more difficult than it actually is."

"Opening up to people, it's not what I do." she shrugged apologetically.

Josh couldn't quite concealed the look of hurt that crossed his features. "I'm no people, Kate." he snapped, lowering her hand from his face and physically leaning away from her. Josh stared at her warily for a few second, probably waiting for a reply she never gave.

"I just don't get it." he complained not hiding his disappointment "When you asked me to stay I thought you wanted a commitment. But you keep on shutting me out, Kate. You don't talk to me, hell you don't even touch me anymore."

Kate stood up and burned at those words. Her eyes flashed fire and Josh was the designated victim. "That's what this is all about, Josh? Me not banging you?"

Josh raised from the couch, facing her. "That's not what I meant and you know it!" he defended himself forcefully "We are more than that!"

"Are we?" she spat back at him. "I almost died three times last week, so forgive me if I haven't crawled into your damn bed every night since then but I was too busy putting the pieces back together."

Josh sighed and put a hand on each of her shoulder. "I know what you went through, Kate, I was there with you." He soon realized that words meant to be appeasing only succeeded in fueling her rage even more.

Kate laughed bitterly, looking away from him briefly. When her gaze met his again her face was harder and as she spoke her voice was deadly quiet.

"Were you holding me when I was freezing to death?" she hissed, raising a finger menacingly to his chest. "Were you looking me in the eye in front of a bomb just about to blow?"

Josh's hands dropped from her shoulders as said poking finger became a fist. "You weren't, Josh." she accused as her voice cracked slightly and tears threatened to spill from her eyes. "So don't you dare say you were there with me, 'cause you were not."

Both her fists were now slamming forcefully against his chest punctuating each of her words, as she didn't bothered to hold back her tears anymore. Josh let her take it out on him, blow after blow until she rested her forehead against her own fists and just cried silently.

"Shh, Kate, shh. It's ok." he soothed tenderly, encircling her smaller body with his arms. "It's ok to let go." He felt her leaning into him and kissed her forehead as one of his hand caressed her head reassuringly. She was falling apart and Josh knew she was hating every minute of it.

After a couple of minutes the tears subsided and Kate went quiet into his arms.

"Better?"

She nodded, looking at him sheepishly. "I'm sorry."

Josh hugged her tighter. "Don't be."

In between Josh whispered reassurances, Beckett couldn't help but thinking about what she and Castle discussed in the decontamination tent, about how she wanted someone to be there for her. As much as she tried to ignore the truth, Josh was far from being that guy. He rarely was there physically, but what hurt her the most was the emotional distance between them. And if the first was mostly his responsibility, for the latter she was the only one to blame.

Castle was right, she constantly fled from relationships, she was the one sabotaging them. That was exactly what happened last year, when she hooked up with Demming to keep him at distance, only to realize too late that Tom wasn't a solution.

Funny how I ran *into* Josh because I was running *from* Castle in the first place.

She would have laughed if the meaning of what she just thought wasn't scary as hell. Every man she had in almost two years was just a mere substitute for Castle. Josh made no exception.

"I've been through a lot during these past weeks, but I shouldn't have unloaded everything on you." she said guilty "It's not your fault. It's never been."

Josh opened his mouth to reply when the shrill of the phone interrupted him. He started to pull back to let her answer the phone, but her hold on him didn't loosened. "Kate..."

"Shhh... Let it ring." she murmured tiredly against his shirt "The machine will pick the message."

Josh nodded and wrapped her smaller body in his arms once more just as the machine beeped.

"Hey, it's me..."

Beckett's eyes snapped open at the sound of his voice, but she didn't dare to move. He did call, after all. Trust Castle to chose just the worst moment.

"I tried your phone, but it was off so... uh... I just called to let you know that everything is settled for Saturday night." She felt Josh's muscles tense under her palms. Probably because she hadn't bothered to tell him about the fundraiser yet.

"Guess, uh... guess I'll see you at the precinct in the morning then... until tomorrow, detective."

After Castle hung up for a few seconds neither Josh nor Kate spoke. Then he pulled back confused. "What is he talking about, Kate? What's on Saturday night?"

She looked down for a moment, long enough for a lock of hair to cover her eyes. When she raised her head again, she replaced it behind her ear. "A fundraiser."

"And you're going with him?" he asked warily.

"Actually, I was trying to pick up the best moment to ask you, but-"

"The best moment Kate?" he cut her off "You could have asked me anytime, it's just a stupid fundraiser, for God's sake!"

"It's not an ordinary fundraiser, Josh." she winced. "It's in my mother's memory."

"Your mother?"

Kate could easily see that Josh was flustered. She should have told him sooner, but telling him about the fundraiser would have meant telling him about her mother, and she hadn't been totally comfortable at the prospect.

"Long story short, a few months ago Castle had this idea, to establish a scholarship in her honor and host a fundraiser to fund it."

"Why would he do such a thing?" There was something in his voice, a bitter edge she never heard before that caused her to answer back just the same way.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You don't realize it, don't you?" he laughed drily at her blank face. "He used his money and his friends to tail you at work and now is doing the same thing to insinuate himself into your personal life. He overstepped and you seems fine with it!"

"You don't know Castle. And you know nothing about my mother." Kate said this aloud, but it wasn't meant for Josh. It was meant for herself, a reminder of the reasons why she really should not lose it with him.

"I know nothing because you don't talk about it!" he protested "But apparently you feel the need to share it with this writer guy. I'm beginning to wonder if that's the only thing you share with him."

When she felt her right palm burning it was already too late. Josh stood in front of her, wide eyes.

As she spoke again her voice was low and colder than steel.

"My mother was murdered nineteen years ago. We caught her killer only last year. That's why Castle knows about her." There was no point in telling Josh that only after a few days they've been working together Castle noted things about her he didn't pay attention to in almost a year.

"Kate, I'm sorry, I didn't know-"

"Then you should have kept your mouth shut, Josh." she paused briefly to regain her self-control before whispering coldly "Now get out."

A/N: I love the icy way Beckett throws out men from her apartment, sadly on the show it's always been Castle so this time I took a little revenge of my own... ^^

See you next chapter and please, please review!