Ok, please don't hate me after you read this update. I promise I will fix things...eventually. Please hang with me! :)

Chapter 6

Richard sat in the grass, the afternoon sun shining down upon him and the sheer darkness that gripped him. His legs were stretched out before him, crossed at the ankles with his back leaning against the rough stone of a bench.

He had always loved it out here in the Lord Rahl's private garden, the tranquility and contentment that pervaded it, the respite from life's woes and responsibilities. It hadn't provided him any of those things that he had longed for in some time, not since Michael's death and especially not since Kahlan's departure for Aydindril with his children…with another man.

He tipped his head back, bringing the bottle to his lips and downed the dark liquid that burned his throat. He internally winced at the feel of the liquor swimming in his empty stomach, wishing it would completely erase the searing pain inside instead of just numbing it for a little while.

He guessed it was better than nothing at all, better than feeling that crushing weight in his chest that stole his breath and threatened his sanity. He honestly didn't know how much more of this he could take, how much longer he could go on like this. Each day without her and his children felt like an eternity spent in the Underworld.

His life was nothing more than a hopeless abyss that continued to suck him even further in, his heart lying in sharp jagged pieces scattered in his chest that tore and pierced with every breath he drew. It felt as though his blood had boiled down to nothing with the rage within, his insides ashes.

Richard's bleary gaze fell on the headstone silently keeping him company several feet away, the sunlight bringing out the various veins of color that ran like spider webs throughout the marble slab. Death suddenly felt like such a welcome reprieve from the hell that he was living now, wishing more than anything that he could trade places with Michael.

Then the little boy would be alive, living the life that he should have been able to live instead of being buried in the cold isolation of the ground. Kahlan might still be carrying his child right now, would be safe here in the People's Palace with him and their children instead of gallivanting around the Empire with Tristan Kabay…her former love.

A deep sneer twisted his lips, his nostrils flaring as he thought about the man who had taken Kahlan away from him, taking her back to Aydindril and right out of his life along with his children. The thought of Tristan touching his wife, kissing her…his body covering hers as he made love to her caused his insides to wrench and churn with bitter jealousy, a hot seething rage that nearly blinded him.

Richard suddenly lurched forward, throwing the bottle as hard as he could in a flash of fury and cry of rage, watching as the glass shattered against the tombstone. He sank back with a fierce growl, grabbing another bottle and taking a long drink.

His eyes watered as the flames of alcohol liked like pure fire in his throat, hoping that it would burn him alive from the inside out and end his misery. He honestly didn't believe that life could possibly get any worse than this, knowing deep down that he had no one to blame for it except for himself.

It still didn't erase the anger and hurt that Kahlan had helped create within him, didn't change the fact that she had basically lied to him by not telling him about her past with Tristan Kabay. It didn't ease the heartache, knowing that his wife had chosen another man over him.

And yet, he loved Kahlan with a completeness and depth that rivaled none, was connected to her like no one he had ever known before. He was one with her in every way imaginable, loving her with every fiber of his being and now she was gone, taking his heart and soul with her.

His mind buzzed from the alcohol that he'd drank, a weightless feeling beginning to wash over him as the liquor finally took effect, dulling his senses and numbing his entire body and yet the pain didn't seem to cease for one grueling moment.

Exhaustion pulled heavily on his senses, the lack of sleep he'd had since Kahlan had left fighting to drag him into unconsciousness, but he didn't want to go there, refused to give into it.

The nightmares always followed him there, images of Tristan on top of Kahlan, his wife calling out another man's name in the throes of heated passion, watching as Tristan touched her in places only he had ever touched her, filling her with himself over and over again. Memories of Michael dying, Kahlan being tortured and losing their baby never ceased to haunt him as well. He couldn't shake it any of it no matter how hard he tried.

He felt ill to his very core, wanting to vomit at the thought of losing his precious Kahlan, but he swallowed it all back. She had made her choice and it wasn't him. He knew he couldn't really blame her, not after the way that he had treated her since Michael's death.

Richard put the bottle to his lips again, prepared to tip his head back and drown himself in his anguish when he sensed someone approaching. He paused momentarily before taking a long sip. Whoever it was, he wasn't in the mood to talk.

"So this is where you've been hiding out."

Nicci's feminine voice tickled his ears, but he refused to turn and acknowledge her. He just wanted to be left alone right now. He had managed to push Kahlan and his children away. He was sure he wasn't too far from pushing everyone else away as well.

He could hear the soft swooshing of her skirt grazing along the blades of grass as she drew near. Her familiar flowery scent reached his nostrils even over the overpowering smell of the alcohol as she settled down in the grass beside him, her back leaning against the other stone leg of the bench.

Several long moments passed by before she finally spoke again. "This isn't the Richard that I know," she softly said.

Richard took another swallow from his bottle before responding. "Sorry to disappoint you," he bitterly snapped. "I'm afraid you aren't the first and you definitely won't be the last so you might as well leave too."

Nicci sighed to herself as she stretched out her legs before her and smoothed out her skirt, mentally preparing herself for the battle that she was battle to fight. "So is this what you've reduced yourself to?" she prodded, turning a furious green eye on him. "Getting drunk out in the garden by a tombstone?"

"Afraid so. Not very Lord Rahl or Seeker of me is it?" he snidely replied. "I'd offer you a drink, but I only brought enough for myself. You'll have to find your own way to deal with your disappointment in me."

Nicci bristled with the anger thrumming through her now. This was not the same Richard she had fallen in love with, the same one who had inspired her with so much hope in mankind again, banishing the darkness and shining a light so bright that it was positively blinding at times.

She knew he was still in there deep down past all of the layers of hurt and self-loathing, the guilt and the rage. His heart still beat pure and true. She just had to help him see it, feel it…believe in himself again.

She watched him out of the corner of her eye as he swallowed down another mouthful of alcohol. It was unusual to see him drinking like this. For as long as she'd known him, he'd never been much of a drinker save for an occasional glass of wine with dinner. She feared this was far worse than they had originally believed.

They sat in tense silence for several long minutes before Richard finally broke the stillness that had surrounded them. "If you're here to lecture me, you can save your breath. Zedd already beat you to it."

"I just have one question for you," Nicci gently replied, her focus on Michael's headstone as well as the shattered glass that lay around it.

"What is it?" he tersely asked.

"What would Kahlan think now of the man that she married?"

The question hung in the air so thick and harsh and suffocating, her words piercing his heart just as sure as if it had been the blade of a sword. Before he could even think of some sort of response, Nicci turned to face him, her voice growing harder.

"Isn't that what you have feared for so long? Losing yourself? No longer being the man that Kahlan fell in love with and married?" she pressed. "That's what you told me when we were on our way to Caprice. After Michael's death, you feared Kahlan would no longer see you as the man she married, that you had lost your way somehow.

"Tell me, Richard. What would she think of you now? What would she say if she knew you were out here sitting in the grass before Michael's tombstone drinking and wallowing in self-pity and anger?"

Richard stared at the half-empty bottle in his hand, his vision blurring from the alcohol's effect…or at least that's what he told himself. His head was pounding mercilessly, his stomach wrenching and his heart…his heart was almost to Aydindril right now.

He bit his bottom lip, letting his teeth rake slowly over the flesh there. How had he allowed himself to fall so far so fast? How had he managed to lose everything that he had ever loved?

"It's all I have left now," he softly said, his words losing the heat that they had just held.

"Is that what you really think?"

Richard finally turned to face her, the bottle still gripped tightly in his hand that was beginning to tremble with the fierce storm of warring emotions raging within. "Kahlan is gone," he bitterly replied. "She chose Tristan over me. All my children…my children…are gone…two of them dead because their father couldn't prevent it from happening.

"The woman I love more than life itself betrayed me, engaged to another man before she'd even met me. She came to Caprice to save me and lost our baby and now I have nothing. I have nothing left to live for anymore, Nicci."

With that, he turned away from her, but in that brief moment, she'd seen just a glimpse of his excruciating pain and it had been staggering to behold. She hoped to never see something so heartrending like that ever again in him.

"Who are you truly furious with, Richard?" she continued, not about to let it go now. "Is it really Kahlan that you blame for everything…or is it yourself?"

Richard swallowed hard, the mixture of alcohol as well as unshed tears burned deep in his throat making it even more difficult to breathe than it had been before. He knew the answer deep within himself and so did Nicci without him even having to respond to her.

He had never actually been angry with Kahlan. He had been devastated when she had lost the baby, but it hadn't been her fault. It had all been Sangria's doing. And when he'd found out about Tristan Kabay, he'd been crushed, but had never been truly furious with her.

No, his rage had laid deep within and only with himself for his failures. Unfortunately, instead of talking to Kahlan, instead of letting her in, he had pushed her so far away…driven her right into the arms of another man. When she had needed him the most, needed her husband to comfort her after the loss of their baby, he had turned his back on her, practically blaming her for everything that had happened and turning his back to her.

Kahlan deserved so much better than him, someone who wouldn't fail her at every turn, someone who wouldn't crush her like he had.

Richard finally turned to face her, his jaw rigid with the rage churning within. "She's better off now with Tristan."

Nicci scooted closer to him, reaching out and jerking the bottle from his hand. "Do you really believe that?" she angrily scowled. "The Richard I know would've fought for the woman he loved with everything he had, not just hand her over to another man and walk away as if she meant absolutely nothing at all to him."

"Maybe that man is dead," he coldly stated as he stared deep into her green eyes. "Maybe he no longer exists."

Her breath caught in her throat as he suddenly reached out his hand towards her, hooking a lock of blond hair behind her ear as his hand lingered against her face. She felt a shiver tremble through her as he caressed her cheek, his face slowly drawing nearer…closer until his breath heavy with alcohol mingled with hers.

"Richard…" she whispered, gently shaking her head.

"I know you are in love with me, Nicci," he told her with a smug smirk. "You think I can't see the way you look at me sometimes, the flicker of sadness that fills your eyes when you see Kahlan with me?"

Nicci swallowed hard, fighting to keep her breaths even and her heart from hammering. This wasn't right. No matter what had happened in Richard and Kahlan's marriage, no matter how bad things were between them…this just wasn't right.

"Don't, Richard," she softly warned him, but her voice didn't hold much conviction.

"You don't want me to stop, Nicci," he murmured as his eyes roamed over her face before finally falling to her lips. "You're so beautiful."

"But you don't love me, Richard," she reminded him.

"No, but love is meaningless now," he bitterly replied, his lips drawing nearer still. "I love Kahlan, but I still lost her. Maybe it's better just to have than it is to love. Much less painful that way, isn't it?"

"You don't believe that and neither do I," Nicci chided him, her hand falling against his chest to keep him at bay. The pressure she applied was anything but forceful. "And you definitely don't want to do this."

"Maybe I do," he breathed, his lips lightly grazing hers. "Help me forget her, Nicci."

Nicci squeezed her eyes closed, forcing back the heated desire that was humming within her from his close proximity. She had wanted him for so long, but not like this and not when he was in love with Kahlan.

"Richard, you're drunk," she firmly said as she pushed him away, trying to ignore the way his soft kiss had made her lips tingle. What would it have been like if he had really kissed her the way she ached for him to? "You will regret this once you sober up. Don't make it any worse."

He stared at her for a long moment, a myriad of indecipherable emotions flitting so rapidly across his face. He finally sat back away from her, drawing his knees up and leaning forward to hold his head in hands. "I…I'm sorry, Nicci," he muttered. "I…I just…"

"It's alright, Richard," she reassured him, tentatively reaching over and rubbing his back. "I just want to help you find your way, to regain your focus and control over your emotions again. Physical pleasure isn't going to do that especially with someone you don't love."

"I don't know what to do," he admitted, finally looking up at her with tears in his eyes. "I don't know how to find my way back."

"I'll help you, Richard…once you've sobered up."

"Not one of my finer moments, was it?" he bitterly laughed, but there was no amusement in it, only self hatred.

"No, but you saw me at my worst when I banished Kahlan to the past and kidnapped you so I guess you could say we're even now," she smiled softly at him, trying to lighten the mood.

Richard smiled in return, still embarrassed by his actions. It was a small smile, one that never reached his chestnut eyes shining with so many unshed tears, but it was the most she'd seen in him in weeks besides anger.

He rubbed his forehead, wincing from the relentless throbbing pain in his head. "I feel like I've wrestled with a pack of gars and lost horribly," he moaned.

"I must admit you look positively horrible," she told him.

He had at least a week's worth of hair lining his jaw, his cheeks sunken in from not eating and his eyes were rimmed with red from lack of sleep as well as the fierce amount of alcohol that he'd consumed. The first thing she had to do was to get him sober and cleaned up.

Nicci stood to her feet, offering him her hand. "You can either sit here, wallow in your guilt and self-pity or you can come with me, get your life back and hopefully your wife," she informed him. "The choice is yours…Lord Rahl."

Richard stared at her offered hand for a moment, his gaze turning towards Michael's headstone. He knew he couldn't hold onto the past and what had happened, his perceived failures consuming him and devouring him from the inside out. He needed Kahlan, wanted his children back with him where they always belonged.

Turning his attention back to Nicci, he took her hand, struggling to his feet. "Thank you," he softly said.

"It's what friends are for," she smiled at him, beyond thrilled to see a glimpse of their old Richard again. "You taught me that."

Richard slowly nodded his head before turning towards Michael's grave. He walked over, picking up the pieces of broken glass, pausing to gentle run his fingers along the top of the headstone before turning to follow her inside. He knew he had a long painful journey ahead of him, but it was one that would hopefully lead him back to Kahlan and the forgiveness he knew he didn't deserve.

XXX

Cyrus settled into his usual chair in the dimly lit room in the back of the Brass Star Tavern, the others silently taking their seats as well. To say that the atmosphere was grim and tinged with fear would have been an understatement.

Taking in the bleak expressions of those surrounding him, he had to admit that he shared their sentiments about what they had just learned earlier today. It was beyond disheartening to learn of the Mother Confessor's imminent arrival.

They needed to form a plan immediately, a way of dealing with this unexpected news. Her arrival couldn't have come at a worst time. They were almost prepared to put their plan into action, to take Aydindril back and under the new Alliance's command, but Kahlan Rahl's presence would completely thwart that strategy.

Cyrus's attention was captured when Trevor Bail moved to stand at the head of the meeting table. Everyone kept their black cloaks wrapped protectively around them as if to defend themselves against the opposition about to come tomorrow, to ward off any bad omens. Their hoods remained up, but pushed back just enough to allow their faces to show in the dim flickering candlelight.

Trevor pushed back the hood of his cloak, his eyes gleaming with an unusual brightness despite the muted lighting. It was almost eerie. A confident smile spread across his narrow face, one that didn't seem to fit the direness of the situation that they now found themselves in, but still seemed to infect everyone with a small measure of calmness.

It was as if everyone drew a collective sigh of relief as Trevor met each one of their panicked stares, silently willingly them to calm and infusing them with the confidence that no one at that moment felt. It was something that only Trevor seemed capable of doing at that moment.

"As you are all well aware," Trevor began. "The Mother Confessor Kahlan Rahl is on her way to Aydindril and should be arriving here sometime tomorrow afternoon."

No seemed to even breathe as he spoke now, each one holding in the air that they needed and yet denying themselves the luxury for fear it would alert someone to their treasonous plot to overthrow the Lord Rahl's rule. No one got up to leave, either, removing themselves from the repercussions that awaited them if they were discovered.

They were in this together now for better or for worse.

"We will not back down, but continue as planned regardless of Kahlan Rahl's presence in Aydindril," he firmly informed them. "I have sent word to Kao, letting him know of the situation. Once I receive word from him, I will call another meeting to apprise everyone of his response.

"Until that time, we will carry on with our plans. Aydindril will be ours again to rule through the Council as we see fit."

"And what will we do about Kahlan Rahl?" Linus Bertram suddenly spoke up from beside Cyrus.

Cyrus could practically feel the panic rolling off of the man sitting to his left. Linus was a rabid worrier in the best of times. Adding something like the Mother Confessor's unexpected arrival to Aydindril on top of their treason was enough to put the poor man in his grave.

"I will personally deal with Kahlan Rahl myself if it comes down to it," Trevor informed them with a grin that sent an icy chill through Cyrus.

There was something that seemed a little different about Trevor, a new…tenacity…about him. There was definitely something off in him. He seemed almost pleased that the Mother Confessor was on her way here as though he'd planned for a confrontation with her along.

It made Cyrus begin to wonder if more wasn't going on then the members here knew about.