"Bite my shiny, metal ass!"-Bender, Futurama
Item #: TLH-008
Street Name: "Dying to See Me"
Threat Level: Orange
Object Class: Euclid Safe
Special Properties: Cognitohazard
Special Containment Procedures: Revision 2: No anomalous activity detected.
Revision 3: After Incident [DATA EXPUNGED], anomaly is no longer to be in the presence of anyone within a 25 ft radius, for fear that her anomalous ability could trigger, object given classification of Euclid.
Revision 4: 008 is contained in her room, due to the specifics on how to trigger her ability, her classification has been changed to Safe. No clown-related items are to be in the presence of 008.
TLH-008
Description: TLH-008, formerly Luan Loud of 1216 Franklin Avenue in Royal Woods, Michigan; Is a fourteen-year-old humanoid entity. Subject is affable to anyone she meets and is not overly hostile towards anyone. After [DATA EXPUNGED], her anomalous ability was discovered.
When performing for people in her clown outfit, a sort of "hate plague" washes over the crowd. After 5 minutes after the initial performance, affected individuals will begin heckling 008. After 7 minutes, the crowd will try to enact vengeance on Pogo[1] and will attempt to gather weapons to kill 008. After 10 minutes, they will attempt to brutally murder her as retribution for "the 33[2] that you killed". Anyone within 5 meters will attempt to kill her. Affected individuals outside the radius will return to normal after 33 minutes or if 008 is out of their field of vision for 33 seconds (seeing a glimpse of her will reset the counter). The anomalous affect will only trigger if those two conditions are met.
It appears that 008 emits a cognitohazard that convinces people that she is a homicidal serial killer, despite said killer having been executed in 1994. Symptoms of the cognitohazard are delirium, paranoia, psychosis, schizophrenia, intermittent explosive disorder and an irrational hatred of the emitter (in this case, 008).
"I tattled on him, and now he wants to strangle me with his diabolical hands! I hope they're not dirty."- SpongeBob SquarePants, SpongeBob Meets the Strangler, October 11, 2004
Of the weapons the people gather to kill her, it has been found that 96.96 percent of them will attempt to strangle or asphyxiate 008 with anything they can get their hands on (jump rope, barbed wire, belt, garrote etc.) or even just their bare hands! 3.03 percent will look for any sharp objects and will attempt to stab 008 to death [3].
As for her dummies, Colonel Crackers and Mr. Coconuts, as well as his lover Mrs. Appleblossom (retrieved from Luan's crush, Benjamin [DATA REDACTED-L5]) have been designated SCP-174-08, 09 and 10. All instances of this new SCP-174 are sentient, but don't have the compulsion effects of 174-01.
Addendum 008-01: Let's not beat around the bush here. Luan is somehow tricking the populace into thinking she's John Wayne Gacy. I don't know how rare it is, but if she stumbles upon one of the families whose kids Gacy killed…I shudder to think about it.
Addendum 008-02: Honestly, is this really a bad thing? Clowns are scary as fuck and we need a clown genocide to feel safe again. John certainly is a reason for that, so is Bobble. Apparently, they were friends in some alternate canon. I support a complete purge of clowns from all civilizations -Level 2 staff member
1: Alias of notorious serial killer John Wayne Gacy
2: Number of known victims that Gacy killed
3: All but the first of Gacy's victims were strangled, the first one was stabbed to death