Ruminations of Conrad the Ninja
6. Never Underestimate the Staining Power of Tomatoes
I know what you're thinking. "Ninja Conrad, what are some ways I can humiliate evil monarchist government officials without granting them the sweet respite of death?" Well, first of all, you don't have to be so dramatic when writing to me. It's not like anyone's watching you right now or anything. Or are they? You never know with ninjas. Gotta be paranoid.
To answer your question, you should never underestimate the staining power of tomatoes. Now I bet you're gonna ask me, "Do you pronounce that tomato or tomato?" To which I can only answer, they're pronounced the same way, you dolt! Just like they're spelled the same way. If you have problems pronouncing things, you could just point to them and say, "The red round fruit." But don't mistake them for apples. Apples do not stain well.
Did you know that tomatoes are fruits, not vegetables? Weird.
Anyway, so I was chillin' with my homies in another random village when that giant douche Lanzhil happened to be riding on through. Too bad for him 'cause the Blue Wind happened to be blowing on through too! See what I did there?
Anyway, I stood on a roof dramatically, as always, and nobody could see me at first because I am a ninja and my uniform is blue! But I had my cronies at the ready… we aimed… and threw tomatoes at him! Haha! It was so embarrassing for him! He was like, damn, I'm covered in tomato juice! Laaaame!
Back on Earth, in the country I visited called America, they throw tomatoes all the time! You could just be walking down the street and be pelted in the side of a head by a tomato by some jerk teenager who laughs and then runs off. And then you'd chase him down and beat the crap out of him, but you wouldn't get arrested because ninjas never get caught. They throw tomatoes at celebrities too, but they don't chase you down 'cause they have loads of money, so what's even the point?
Anyway, if you're gonna throw tomatoes, it helps to be an awesome thrower, like me. I'm the lead pitcher on Shin Makoku's baseball team! Though if you're as awesome as I am at throwing, maybe you should throw baseballs instead of tomatoes. Autograph 'em. Next time I see Lanzhil, he's gonna get hit in the torso by a baseball that says, Loser!!! haahahahah! ~Blue Wind. It's gonna be awesome.