Thoughts of Speed

Chapter 6: Until It Sleeps

By: Kuroi Neko-kun

Summary: Heartbroken by dejection, Speed transfers to Las Vegas in replacement of Sara Sidle. Will he find refuge or more pain?

From: CSI-CSI: Miami

Warnings: Slight slash/ Lots of slash

Disclaimer: All of them belong to CBS. I borrow, twist their minds, then brainwash them to remember what they should and let them go. No real harm… Really! 

A/N: Since ff.net ruins the usual paragraphing, this "~~~" means it's a new paragraph. I'm sorry but when I was listening to this song, it practically related to the story. I'll leave part of the lyrics here and you think about it.

-------------------------------------------------------

Until It Sleeps by Metallica

-------------------------------------------------------

Where do I take this pain of mine
I run, but it stays right my side

~~~

So tear me open, pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me, until it sleeps

~~~

Just like the curse, just like the stray
You feed it once, and now it stays
~~~
So tear me open, but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me, until I'm clean

~~~

So tell me why you've chosen me
Don't want your grip, don't want your greed
~~~
I'll tear me open, make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me, until it sleeps

-------------------------------------------------------

Answers to Raven's questions:

1) Actually, H is desperate and wants Speed so bad. I don't know why I wrote him so obsessive.

2) I wanted to add Sara in the concoction at first but I realized that it'd just confuse me and make the story longer. I wanted to end at 6 chapters. Speed won't call Sara.

3) I wrote the full story before posting it. I was afraid no one would like it. But I do read the reviews for the chapters I posted and try alternatives for each (if I'm not lazy…).

Thanks for all the wonderful reviews.

-------------------------------------------------------

Tim Speedle's Point-Of-View:

I only saw Gil when I handed him the DNA results. He must be avoiding me because he never looked at me in the eyes. Did Horatio affect him that much? Am I really rebound? Those questions are not my priority even though it swims in the endless void in my mind.

"You'll love me," Greg said as he hopped over to my work area. I gave him a look.

"Why?" He held up a report for me.

"I guess I forgot to pass this to Grissom when he was here and I'm backlogged right now. You're free, right?" He mockingly asked before smirking. "This should give him a chance to talk to him." I looked at the report. It was tempting… But no, the cold shoulder was already torture.

"He'll avoid me again, like a roach to insecticide," I muttered.

"Come on, Tim," he pleaded," I don't like the tension here and I don't want to lose my only best friend." I smirked at him before taking the paper.

"Thanks for admitting that, Greggo."

~~~

There was no way I can talk to him right now, not with the big emotional mess I put myself in. I slowly took my steps, thinking about what to say and do. Gil was not as straight forward as Horatio. If I ask, he'll find a way to beat around the goddamned bush. And there was no way I can allow that to happen. Only chance, Speed, don't waste it. I took a deep breath before knocking on the door. Please be in, Gil…

"It's open." I let out a sigh of relief before stepping into his office, aptly closing the door behind me. He was hunched at his computer, probably still filling up case files. I slid the report on his table. That was when he looked up. "Oh, it's you…" I gave him a small smile.

"You don't seem happy to see me," I pointed out. He let out a small sigh before taking off his glasses.

"Well, I just expected Greg to give me a long drabble before handing the report." He took the paper and read it. It lasted for a few minutes till he looked up. "Is there anything else, Tim?" I placed my hands on his table, leaning the weight of my body on my arms.

"Yeah, why have you been avoiding me?" He let out another sigh before placing the paper down.

"I'm swamped with cases, Tim…"

"But you still found the time to hand me a case file when I was hospitalized," I drawled.

"Now's not the time for that," he said, reaching out for another file. I caught his hand. My heart was now hammering in my chest as he stared at me, slightly shocked.

"I think now is the perfect time," I mumbled, letting his hand go. He leaned forward, crossing his arms and looked at me, waiting for me to speak again. I took a deep breath.

"How did you know?" He gave me a look. It was a vague question but it was the one that stuck out the most. How did he know?

"Know what, Tim?" I took a shorter breath and started rubbing the back of my neck. I was nervous and uncomfortable about this.

"That I am who I am…" I mumbled, not looking at him. Boy, am I uneasy…

"Who you are?" He uncrossed his arms. "Who are you, Tim?"

"Timothy Speedle," I answered, almost mechanically," detective, CSI level 3 of the Las Vegas Crime Lab." Gil reached out and held my hand. It brought a jolt straight to my heart. He looked straight into my eyes. I saw, then, Gil's gentle and caring side.

"Who are you, Tim?" he asked again, only in a softer voice.

"Timothy Speedle," I answered, in a much more humane voice," thirty-one years old. Single and gay." He smiled at me before gripping my hand.

"I know that," he whispered.

"But how?"

"I heard you tell Greg," he said, grinning.

"In the locker?" He nodded, "about H?" That made a lot of sense. Why else would he run off when Horatio came? I fell into the seat in front of him, relieved. I'm glad THAT'S over.

"Can I ask something?" He said, leaning back.

"Shoot."

"Are you still in love with Caine?" That was a question I'd like the answer to. I really don't know and if I said something wrong I might hurt Gil. I was afraid of that. I had to prove it to myself. After the events that had happened, I should make it clear to myself and to him.

"Prove me right," I mumbled, staring into his eyes. He gave me a look.

"What do you mean?"

"Kiss me," I said," like you did in the hospital."

"Tim… I can't. Not here…" I know I wasn't thinking about consequences but I moved forward and kissed him full on the lips, almost hungrily. He was shocked at first but he gave in to the kiss. As we slowly broke apart, I looked at him. He was flustering. Aw, that's cute… He cleared his throat and looked at me. "Were you right?" I shook my head before moving to behind his desk and kissed him again. I couldn't help it. He was so irresistible. As we broke apart once more, I gave him a redundant answer.

"No, I'm completely wrong…" I made my choice then, with Grissom's bugs as my witness that I wanted to love Gil Grissom more than anything in the world. I finally belonged.

~~~

It was almost like a kooky coincidence as I stepped into my car when it rained. Now, I parked it at the parking lot of my destination, a small motel at the outskirts of Vegas, and glanced at the card. I never thought I'd be here on any circumstances. I walked to door number fifty-six and knocked at the door. This was it. There was no way he's going to torture me anymore. He opened the door with a knowing smirk.

"You came," he said, smug dripping from his voice. He motioned me to come in. I did and sat at the chair, waiting for him. He touched my shoulders before whispering in my ear. "Do you know where you belong?" His hand traveled down my chest. I took a deep breath.

"Yes." He walked in front of me and smirked. "I came to tell you that, Horatio."

"That's all?" I nodded, my mind concentrating on Gil. I gripped Horatio's shirt.

"I'm not your little bitch anymore, H," I muttered," I belong here, in Las Vegas, with Gil Grissom. Remember that." I let him go and watched him take everything in. "You say I don't know where I belong, you obviously don't either."

"Speed…"

"H, you closed that door. Even after that, I left mine open but you never came. I already closed it now. Talk about bad timing," I smirked," you have a better life, Horatio. Just leave me out of it, okay?" We stared at each other, eye-to-eye. He understood what I meant. He smiled at me, genuinely.

"Is Gil that good?" he asked.

"I don't know. We're on our first date," I said, shrugging. "I'll be off, H."

"Take care of yourself and him," was his advice. I will, H, forever.

~~~

I was wondering whether I should have called when I arrived at a house in the suburbs. I stood at his walkway, pacing about, getting myself soaked in the rain, and thinking. I love Gil. I'm certain of that but I am now afraid that he had second thoughts about me. Gil was famous for second thoughts. I know it for a fact. I was unsure about Caine but I advanced anyway. That got me in a lot of mess. Will Gil be the same? Something hovered above me, sheltering me from the rain. I turned to face Gil.

"Are you planning to fall sick at my front lawn?" he quipped.

"No…"

"Come in, Tim. I was making hot chocolate. It's lonely drinking alone," he said, flashing a small smile. I returned with a sad one. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Do you… love me?" I nearly squeak the last two words. He gave a look before smiling again.

"Prove me wrong," he answered. I kissed him full on the lips before sliding my arms around his neck. He must have dropped his umbrella because I felt the rain falling on me again. I might get hypothermia but I don't care. I know he loves me as he places his arms around me. People might be watching but I don't care. I might die tomorrow and I really don't care. We slowly broke apart and he looked into my eyes.

"Are you wrong?" I asked.

"No, I'm completely right." He kissed me again, a small one before pulling me to his house. As we reached the porch, I pulled him into another kiss. I want him and he knew. He pushed away lightly and opened the door, leading me to his living room. He slammed the front door close before pushing me onto a wall. I stopped his hands first and looked at him.

"Gil… I love you," I whispered.

"I know…" He answered before sealing it with a chaste kiss on my lips. I let go of his hands and allowed him to manhandle me. It's okay. I'll be doing the manhandling later…

~~~

The both of us were tired as we fell into each other's arms on Gil's bed. He snuggled under my arm, touching my chest. It was comforting. I watched him study me in interest. He touched a small scar on my chest.

"What's this?" I turned away from his eyes. I knew I have told him about the disposition case but I never told him how bad it affected me. He kept his eyes still on me.

"You know what it is, Gil…"

"A bad memory from the disposition case?" he pointed out. I nodded. "I know it's hard for you, Tim, but if you don't want to talk about it, I won't pester you. You know that I'm here for you…"

"I know…" He kissed the scar before snuggling back into my arms. I wanted to watch him sleep but as soon as he did, I felt my eyes droop and I was tugged to dreamland. And I only dreamt about Gil. And I always will…

-------------------------------------------------------

Fin