A/N: Writer's block SUCKS. Sorry for the delay! Comments are appreciated

Chapter Five-Circumstantial Consequence

Fergus,

How did you ever deal with leading the knights and soldiers? I have read books on leadership and I paid attention through most of Aldous' teachings. But to actually do it is a much different thing…

Alessia decided to spend an additional day in the Circle Tower to resupply and rest. Merchants, including Bodahn, had gathered near The Spoiled Princess with new goods. So she sent Morrigan, Sten, and Leliana off to trade their old equipment while she stayed in the Tower with Alistair and Hermes.

Not long after she sent her companions of across the lake, she was summoned by the First Enchanter. Alessia made her way through the hallways with Hermes taking up his post beside her. Hermes had constantly underfoot ever since she returned from her journey through the Fade and the confrontation with Uldred. The hound knew that something laid heavy on her mind, but true to the ways of the Mabari, he offered her silent comfort.

Death still clung to the stone walls, even with mages and Templars alike scrubbing them with determined fervor. Everyone wanted to bury the memories of the abominations and blood magic that dominated the Tower, including Alessia.

I feel that I am weak, my Brother…

On her way to the end of the hall where the First Enchanter's study was, she spotted Alistair. Alistair was dressed in a simple linen shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows and leather breeches and boots. He was kneeling between two mages scrubbing the wall with a large brush. When he looked up and saw her, a silly grin crossed his face and he waved.

Alessia returned with a smiled and a small wave, "Decided to pitch in?"

Alistair stood and wiped the water off his hands with the tail of his shirt, "I wanted to feel useful since we're spending another day here. And if the living in the Chantry taught me anything, it's how to scrub." His hazel eyes lit up with his soft laughter. "And where are you headed off to looking so determined?"

"The First Enchanter asked to see me; I'm not sure what about though?"

"Hmm. I saw Wynne walk into his study not too long ago and I haven't seen her come out yet. Perhaps Irving would like more information about what happened while we were liberating the Circle." He rubbed the back of his neck as if he was thinking, "Or perhaps he just wants to thank you again."

"I don't think it will be as simple as that."

Alistair chuckled, "It never is, is it? Well, my fearless leader, I'll let you get back to it. I'm going to get back to doing what I do best."

Alessia looked at him for a moment before bursting into laughter. A wash of confusion covered Alistair's face and he furrowed his brow, "What's so funny, Lessie?"

She gathered her thoughts, trying to control herself, "I was just thinking about how Morrigan would respond to what you just said. I think she would have said, 'What? Sweating and being in the way?'" Alistair's mouth fell open, causing Alessia's giggles to return. "I'm sorry! I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings, really I wasn't."

Alistair narrowed his eyes at her, but smiled genuinely, "I think you have been hanging around that witch a little too much, Lessie. Nonetheless, it's nice to see you happy, even if it is at my expense. You have not smiled nearly as much as you should."

Alessia dropped her eyes to the floor, "I know. It's just…" She felt Alistair's damp hand on her shoulder and she looked up at him. "I'm fine. I promise. I should go; it wouldn't be very polite of me to keep our host waiting." She gave him a small, forced smile before she turned to go and Alistair rubbed Hermes' head before returning back to scrubbing the stone wall.

oOo

"You want to come with us, Wynne?" Alessia asked, puzzled, "Aren't you needed here?"

The elder mage smiled kindly at her, "Perhaps, but I do believe Irving and the Circle will be fine without me. I think I would be of more use with the Grey Wardens in fighting the Blight."

First Enchanter Irving piped in, "Wynne has always preferred assignments outside the Circle. She would be of great use to you, as she is a very skilled healer."

Alessia looked down at her freshly scarred arm, "Well, we do find ourselves in need of that."

Wynne rose from her chair, "Then it's settled. I will accompany the Grey Warden on their journey. I shall go prepare my things, thank you Irving. And thank you, Alessia."

Alessia watched Wynne as she left the office and shook her head with amusement. She looked up at Irving, "Should I be expecting this while I'm in her company?"

Irving chuckled, "Wynne is a determined soul."

"Well, that is a good quality in an ally. I'll try to return her to the Circle of Magi safely, First Enchanter." She rose from her chair and gave the mage a small bow, "And thank you."

oOo

The rest of the day passed peacefully. Alessia decided to help Alistair with scrubbing walls. By mid-afternoon Morrigan, Sten, and Leliana returned with supplies for the next leg of their journey. All that there was left to do was supper and then sleep.

But sleep was not an easy friend to Alessia. She was scared of going back to the Fade and possibly seeing Dairren again. A small piece of her was still unsure if the Dairren that accompanied her throughout her ordeal was the Sloth Demon the entire time.

She sat up from her bed and tried to shake the thoughts of Dairren from her head. She glanced around the room. It was dark, save the moonlight shining through the stained glass balcony door. It cast colorful shadows on her bed and on herself.

She sighed softly and swung her legs out over the bed, sleep was obviously not coming to her tonight. She tip-toed towards the balcony door and slowly turned the handle. Please don't squeak, she prayed. It didn't.

Alessia stepped out onto the large stone balcony and pulled the door behind her, leaving it open just a crack. There was a soft breeze coming across the Lake Calenhad, it felt nice against her lightweight shirt and breeches. The stone was a little cold under her bare feet, but she didn't mind. It reminded her of standing on her balcony in Highever. Alessia closed her eyes and let her mind drift for a couple of moments.

She opened her eyes again, coming back to reality and leaned forward against the railing. The moon was full and the stars were shining brightly. It created a wondrous scene of reflections on the lake. She looked down at the thirty foot drop to the water and smiled. Well, everyone's asleep and won't notice a bit of daring...

Alessia hoisted herself onto the stone railing and tried to stand. Once she had the proper balance, she walked to the corner farthest from the balcony doors and positioned herself with one foot on each side of the corner. The breeze was light enough not to blow her backwards, but cool enough to make her hug her arms to her chest. She stood like that for several long moments, breathing deep, trying to clear her head of the ghosts. There were always so many ghosts. Ghosts of the grueling battles she fought in the tower, ghosts of the fallen at Ostagar, ghosts of Highever. She had been focusing so hard, she didn't her the balcony door click shut behind her.

"That's awfully dangerous."

Alessia's muscles involuntarily twitched in surprise, making her lose her balance. She could feel herself falling forward slightly and tried to compensate by pulling backward. Too much! Too much!She closed her eyes tight, anticipating the pain of the fall.

"I've got you!" Alessia fell into a strong chest and firm arms hooked under hers, trying put her back on her feet. "I didn't mean to scare you. But what were you doing up there?"

Back on her feet, Alessia turned to face Alistair, who was still standing very close, arms slightly outstretched, as if ready to guard her from another fall. "I'm okay Alistair. I couldn't sleep." Alistair took a small step back to put some more space between the two of them. He studied her face. "I wanted to clear out some of the ghosts."

"Afraid of the exit wounds?" Alessia gave him a puzzled look. Alistair leaned back against the railing, "Sometimes releasing a memory can be just as painful as what made the memory in the first place. Exit wounds."

Alessia nodded her head in agreement. "I was thinking about my father. I used to stand on my balcony like that back home. He used to say 'Pup, I swear you are Dalish in a little girl's form.'" Her mouth curved into a small smile. "And it used to drive my mother insane, she would be walking in the gardens below my room and she would see me. I almost made her faint when I pretended to lose my balance."

Alistair laughed, "I imagine it was quite a commotion."

Alessia leaned forward on the railing next to Alistair, "Oh it was. It made my father and Fergus laugh though." She turned her head to face Alistair, "How are your exit wounds? You seem to be in better spirits after our talk about Duncan."

Alistair cocked his head to the side and gave a relaxed smile, "It still hurts, but far less than it did. Thank you for that."

"As I recall, I didn't do much. I just listened mostly."

"It was enough. Truly. And when this is all over, we should go to Highever and set things right together. For Duncan and your family."

Alessia took a deep breath and released it slowly. "That is one of your better plans."

Alistair rolled his eyes at her. "I do occasionally have moments of great clarity."

Alessia threw him an amused grin, "I'm glad to hear it." Alistair rolled his eyes at her again. Alessia shook her head and let her thoughts drift, after a moment she looked at Alistair again, "I didn't know you had a sister."

Alistair's face fell and he looked away from her. "Umm, yes, the woman from the Fade. Goldanna." He walked away from the railing and walked over to the wall. He hit the back of his head against it before sliding down and sitting on the floor. "I'm sorry I never said anything about her. I figured with everything that has happened with your family, you wouldn't want to hear about mine."

Alessia cocked her head to the side and just looked at him for a moment, "Nonsense, I told you before that I was genuinely interested in you…" She cleared her throat, "your life. I was under the assumption that you didn't have any family."

Alistair laid his head in his hands for a brief moment and then looked back at her, "I've never actually met her. I looked her up and saw her from a distance." Alessia's face twisted with confusion. "It's…complicated. If you don't mind me asking though, who's Dairren?"

Alessia bit her bottom lip and joined Alistair on the floor. She knew he was just changing the subject, but a small voice inside her was compelling her to tell him what she had been holding inside.

"Dairren was the son of Bann Loren. He was staying with my family when Arl Howe attacked us. He died right in front of me."

"Was he special to you?"

A wash of guilt came over her and she swallowed hard, "Yes…he was." She dropped her head to her knees. "I am such an awful person, Alistair."

"I have a hard time believing that you are awful, Lessie. Why would you say such a thing?"

"He wanted to marry me."

They both sat in silence for a long time. Alessia lifted her head up and smacked it against the wall a couple of times, "He wanted to marry me, Alistair. And it scared me."

"Being scared of marriage doesn't make you an awful person. "

"It does when you lie about the reason why." Alessia turned and looked into his confused eyes, "I told him that my parents wouldn't approve of the match. I lied to him. I was perfectly content with our relationship as it was."

"Well, from what I understand, courting can take some time…"

Tears started to sting the back of her eyes and a wave of shame crashed over her, "I wouldn't have called it 'courting'…"

"What do you…" realization pierced his hazel eyes, "Ohhhhhh. I see. You were lovers."

Alessia slowly nodded, "Yes."

"Did you love him?"

A single tear betrayed her and she turned to wipe it away, "I don't know. I cared about him. I just...I didn't want to get married. I didn't want to bind myself to another." She felt Alistair shift closer to her and wrap an arm around her shoulders. She looked back at him and her voice cracked as she spoke, "I never meant to hurt anyone. But I am weak, Alistair and I let fear rule me. I always let fear rule me and I don't think I can do this. I'm so afraid."

Alistair brushed her long bangs out of her eyes, "You are not weak. And you are certainly not awful. I am probably the last person that should tell you that you shouldn't let your grief rule you but…" he swallowed hard, "You can do this. I believe in you and I will stand by you."

Another tear fell and she blushed as Alistair wiped it away, "As long as you're willing to take on all of Thedas with me, Alistair."

"Of course, as long as you lead." They both laughed and shivered against the wind. "Do you want to go back inside; you should probably get some sleep."

Alessia yawned, "I'm not ready to brave the Fade just yet, let's stay out here a bit longer." But sleep was already pulling at her eyes as she rested her head on Alistair's shoulder

Alistair chuckled, "Okay then."

They sat in quiet companionship for a long time. It seemed that sleep would finally win her over.

Sleepily, Alessia spoke again, "Alistair?"

"Yes?"

"Has anyone ever told you how handsome you are?" She was wrapped in the warmth of him and fell into a dreamless sleep before he had the chance to answer.