Chapter Six - Fit
When Hermione returned from work, it was to find Severus moving about the kitchen to the rhythm of String of Pearls as it played on the wireless. She paused in the doorway, amused to watch his hips swing. Who was this odd man? Hermione carefully shut the door and attempted to quietly sneak by, but he heard her and all movement ceased. Instead of looking ashamed, Severus glared as if she'd done something wrong.
"How was your day?" Hermione asked politely.
Severus grunted. "I ran your errands. Dinner is cooking. Is there anything else the Miss should want before this house-elf retires?"
So it was going to be like that? Hermione sighed; there went her hopes for polite company. Ah well, the honeymoon wasn't bound to last long. Hell, their honeymoon had taken place while the groom was with Lord Voldemort. "Let me just get squared away, and I'll help you."
Dinner was a somber affair, reminding Hermione of her years at Hogwarts when Professor Snape would sit at the head table, stab food viciously, and glare at the miscreant children he was obliged to protect. She'd felt bad for him then. Once she'd been enlightened by the Order, Hermione had taken to watching him, following his dismal moods. His behavior at the breakfast table was a better bellwether to the coming news than the Daily Prophet. More accurate than any of Trelawney's prognostications, when Snape was in the foulest of moods, it foretold more death and destruction.
But he hadn't spent the day Muggle-baiting with Death Eaters, had he? Certainly not.
"So, spill it. What has you in such a snit?"
His upper lip twitched into a sneer. "Why should you care?" he asked waspishly.
That was it. "You're right." Hermione put her fork down and pushed her plate away. "I shouldn't. I'm not your wife, and the faster we can get divorced, the better. Incidentally, I found out about that today."
Snape's stormy gaze dropped for a moment as he considered her with vague interest. She was an irritant and an inconvenience – unless, of course, he wanted something from her.
"Today I petitioned for a court date. The soonest they had was nearly two weeks from now, but we're on the docket. I had a friend pull a favor for me and it's an empty entry, so we shouldn't have any reporters following us. We just have to present our case, affirming that neither of us knew about the marriage, it was a 'fog of war' and all that, and that Professor Dumbledore had acted on our behalf, but not in good faith."
"You're assuming they might do someone like me a favor."
"No, given half the chance, they probably would throw you back in Azkaban. But I happen to be rather well-liked. On the rare occasion I speak publicly, I'm a media darling. At the moment I'm inclined to work that to my advantage. Speaking before the Wizengamot, I intend to use the words 'war hero' as often as possible."
Hermione folded her arms beneath her breasts and gave him her very best level look that bespoke a challenge, mess with me and see how far it gets you.
"They may believe me. I was locked away in prison, but I don't believe for a moment that they'll accept that you knew nothing of our marriage. I certainly don't."
Hermione raised her chin defiantly. "I never knew."
"Oh spare me, Granger. It never came up once? I was out of Azkaban for three days before I learned of it. We've been married for seven years, and you just found out? I am not a stupid man."
Blood rushed up to her face. She hated being wrong, but she hadn't lied either, and the truth had been nagging at her ever since their trip to the Ministry. She took a deep breath to calm her nerves. "Once, when I went to renew my Apparition license, they had checked the wrong box for my marital status. It was marked married. I convinced them it was a mistake and they fixed it."
"And that didn't raise alarm bells for you?"
She opened her mouth and closed it. How could she defend herself? How was she to know at the time she was legally married to Severus Snape? That wasn't the sort of thing that just pops into a girl's mind. She took another deep breath.
"When I file my taxes, it's also automatically marked married, but there's no other name on the form. I thought it was a clerical error."
"Prisoners don't file taxes. And wizards don't make clerical errors."
"Oh that's rich – of course they do." Hermione shook her head. "The wizarding world is full of errors, mistaken identity, miscarriages of justice, and wrongful imprisonment – not that I'm implying you were wrongfully convicted."
"Of course not. You probably believe I should still be there."
"Maybe," she challenged.
"Wizards do not get vital statistics wrong," Severus said with absolute conviction. "Wizards never get this wrong. Blood status is the cornerstone of our society. Those forms are all magically created. The chance of error is infinitesimally small. Have you ever known Hogwart's Magical Quill to make a mistake? You should have known better. You should have investigated the moment you saw it."
Flustered, but undeterred, Hermione countered the best she could. "I'll have you know, that sainted quill you hold in such high esteem spelled my name wrong for the first three years of my schooling. Every report listed me as Hermione Jane Granger. It's Jean."
Severus pulled a sour face. "Perhaps you should double-check your birth record."
"Oh give it a rest. I didn't investigate. I didn't double check my own vital records. It was an error – our whole marriage is an error. Nobody asked me if I wanted this. Nobody asked me anything. Nothing I've ever wanted has ever mattered to the Order, they just dump on good old Hermione, who never minds."
"Yes, well you're the one who's going to have to explain to the Wizengamot how you've known for years that you were listed as married, but never bother to look into it. Can your pride live with the fact that you're going to have to plead ignorance? I'm Muggle-born; I didn't know any better," he mimicked.
She drew a slow breath and felt the warmth of her cheeks with the back of her palm.
"It'll just have to. Would you prefer we stay married?"
"No."
"Then I have no choice."
They mopped up the kitchen together, dividing the work so neither could accuse the other of not sharing the burden. Once dinner was cleared away, Hermione withdrew to the computer room to work. Severus helped himself to some of her paperbacks. And an owl arrived. It was from Ronald Weasley.
"I'm going out tonight," she said, poking her head around the corner. Ron's note dangled in her fingers. Severus was lounging on her couch reading, looking as relaxed and content as the grey mop of fur on his chest. "Don't wait up for me."
She waited for some reaction from him, half expecting a tirade, but Severus merely glanced up from his page and nodded. For some silly reason this sat sour with her. She was going out for the night, possibly with strange men to do wild and kinky things. Lascivious acts could take place. That was all bunk of course, but Severus didn't know that. Didn't he feel the slightest bit jealous or protective? And what the hell was wrong with her that she wanted him to be jealous and protective of her?
"I must be barmy," Hermione muttered to herself.
She dressed herself for meeting Ron and tried to mentally prepare herself for the coming conversation. During spare bits of time she'd practiced a small speech, although nothing sounded quite right. She had even jumped on the internet to research advice for 'how to politely tell the ex-boyfriend that you had really been married the whole time you had dated, even though you hadn't known it, and oh by-the-way, it's Professor Snape.' The search for advice was fruitless and definitively proved that not everything was available online. Although the internet was still a great place for porn.
"Right. Well, I'm going now." Ready to Apparate, she stood in front of Severus in snug jeans and nice-but-not-too-nice shirt, and realized she was posing slightly, as if she wanted to turn his head. Oh dear god – how mortifying. Hermione might as well have held up a sign that screamed, NOTICE ME! I'm attractive! I'm female! I'm available - and perhaps slightly eager for your attention!
Did this mean she was crushing on Severus Snape?
No, certainly not.
Couldn't be. He wasn't even her type.
With one of her D's being 'distraction' Hermione tried to focus on The Three Broomsticks and managed to exit her apartment with the kind of loud bang usually attributed to novices. The landing wasn't so smooth either.
"Let's hope that's the last time you humiliate yourself tonight, girlie," she whispered.
Finding Ron wasn't easy. He'd taken a secluded corner table that was partially concealed by the staircase and cloaked in shadows. For this, Hermione was grateful. Ron cast his gaze about nervously as she approached, and Hermione wondered if she hadn't put him off with her cryptic message.
"Hi there."
"'Mione." Ron tipped his head as she found a seat. "What are you drinking tonight?"
"Um… maybe just a light cider."
The barmaid was called for and their order was given. A plate of crisps for Ron was also requested.
Hermione started out the obligatory pleasantries. "How have you been?"
"Fine, just fine. And you?"
"Fine," she replied feeling rather at a loss for words. "I finally got around to watching that movie you left me."
"Oh, how was it?"
"Er… good?" She fidgeted with the edge of her napkin. "Well, actually it wasn't really my thing."
"Not to be a prat, Hermione, but why did you ask me to come here?"
"I have something to tell you…" Hermione summoned her courage. "I–"
"Want you to stay away from my wife."
Hermione's head whipped around so fast her muscles strained.
"May I?" Severus asked, sitting at their table.
"Hermione?" Ron asked warily. "What's going on here?"
"She's here to tell you we're married. And she's not going to be seeing you any further, but that's my own message to you."
"Ron, I'm really sorry about this." Hermione cringed. "I didn't know he was going to be here."
She turned to Severus and hissed under her breath, "What are you doing?"
"Making it perfectly clear that he's not welcome around my wife."
"Well you shouldn't be here."
"Hermione, what's going on?" Ron asked again. "What makes him say he's married to you?"
"We are," Severus stated.
"Look here, mate; I was talking to Hermione."
"It's a funny story, actually. Well, not really." Hermione floundered for words for a moment before they all started pouring out of her in a rush. "You see, I got a message to pick up Professor Snape, Severus, from Azkaban prison and that's how I found I was his next of kin. I didn't know what that meant at the time, but I've come to find out it's because we were married about seven years ago. Well, not really married because we weren't there, you see… but Dumbledore legally married us, on paper… I think. I'm not entirely sure about that either, but according to the Ministry, it's official. Honestly, I never knew until recently."
Hermione gave a weak smile.
"I owled you as soon as I found out. I promise, Ron."
Ron sat back and gave a low whistle. "Cor." He gestured between them. "And you've been married to him…" Hermione watched Ron mentally count, "since the end of Sixth year. Just before Dumbledore died. This whole time?"
"I didn't know about it, Ron."
"Yeah, I heard you." Ron scratched his fingers through his hair and gave the Potions master a serious look. "What about you, then? Did you know about this? Were you after my 'Mione?"
"Certainly not." Severus' look of pure disdain was quite a blow to Hermione's ego. The bastard looked like he'd have preferred Grawp to her. "She was a student, under my care and protection. What was done to us was both unethical and immoral."
"Right, I got you, because you're such a moral authority," Ron quipped. "What's this about Dumbledore, then?"
Internally, Hermione sighed in relief. Ron's posture and attitude was still defensive, but he was using the tone he usually took when he was discussing tactics and problem solving.
"He signed our betrothal petition and marriage certificate. He arranged it all." Hermione tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice and failed. "He abused the authority we'd given him as our legal guardian to do it."
"This is exactly why I said you should have made Mum and Dad your guardians."
"That would have made us brother and sister, Ron!"
"Enough," Severus interjected. "That line of thinking is entirely pointless. There's no use arguing over who should have been made your guardian, when that ship sailed long ago. The fact is, Albus had power over the both of us and he used it to his advantage."
"I fail to see how it worked to his advantage," Hermione said angrily. "I knew he was a bit of a matchmaker, but this is completely out of line."
"Nah," Ron said. "He wouldn't marry you two because he fancied it. Dumbledore didn't work that way. Oh he was nutters alright, but scary clever too."
"I agree with Mr. Weasley," Severus said. "It's unlikely Albus had us married for personal reasons. The timing of our supposed wedding also suggests a multitude of strategies. The outcome of the war was uncertain. And it must have been one of his final acts before the events that took place on the Astronomy tower."
"You mean the event where you killed him."
"Ron! Be nice," she chided.
"No, Mr. Weasley is quite correct, and there is no need to varnish over the truth. Albus knew once I killed him, I would have to flee. It's possible he hoped to bind us for a useful purpose. If the war turned against our favor, Hermione would have been spared the worst of it as my wife. Under my protection, she could have continued the resistance."
Hermione looked doubtful. "As your wife, I'd have been killed instantly."
"Perhaps," Severus mused, his finger resting on his lip. "But not necessarily. You may be Muggle-born, but you're a powerful witch. Power was one of the few things the Dark Lord respected. Also, don't overlook the fact that I'm half-blood. Blood superiority only really applies to pure-bloods who don't wish to be tainted. They don't give a damn who people of lower blood status marry – dirty blood is dirty blood, and a half-blood isn't much of a step up from a Muggleborn."
"Ignoring for a moment that I'm also a friend of Harry Potter, of course," Hermione said dryly.
"You'd be a novelty – the hit of parties. They'd trot you out to humiliate you at social events, but it's more fun to have a live party favor than a dead martyr."
Ron looked between them, considering, the cogs of his mind turning.
"We won, but we also didn't know how we were going to win," he said slowly. "For all we knew at that time, Snape here was the enemy. I mean, he came out all right at the end, but how were we to know? You could have been a real traitor."
"Quite right, Mr. Weasley."
"I'm not following," Hermione said.
"Mr. Weasley is gently referring to the fact that the bond of marriage provides a certain amount of control. If you were to dabble in the shaded arts a little further, or delve into those books from the Black library, you would find a rather large assortment of spells that can be cast to locate one's mate. You would have been able to track me down, presumably for trial."
"And you could do the same to me." There was something very unsettling about that. It wouldn't have crossed her mind to go after him. She'd never been tempted to practice the Dark Arts, but Severus had. Would he even have hesitated?
"No, I could not… Would I use such a locating spell to find and protect you if you were in trouble; yes. That knowledge would have actually been immensely helpful to me whilst you were traipsing around the woods, floundering without a clue, but not to punish. I don't have the desire within me to harm another innocent. Albus was aware of this."
"You aren't a traitor though, so where does that leave us? We're still married. Although it's possible it was his intention that I take care of you out of prison as I'm doing now."
"Bloody hell, 'Mione! You're taking care of him?" Ron wailed.
"Figuratively speaking," Hermione clarified.
"You never took care of me," he grumbled. Hermione passed Ron a disgusted look and resisted the urge to cuff the ingrate on the back of the head.
Ignoring the comment, she turned to Severus. "I don't suppose we'll ever know all of Professor Dumbledore's machinations. Every time I thought I figured out one of his plans, it turned out to be something entirely different." Hermione sighed. "I'd love to ask his portrait to explain it, but from what I've heard, Professor Dumbledore does not wish to talk about the war. He'll natter on for hours about cow tail caramels, but won't say one word about what happened."
"We should all be so lucky for a peaceful afterlife."
"Well, it all makes sense to me," Ron agreed. "If I'd have been in his place, I'd have married you. It makes proper sense to maintain a connection between the Order's only spy and our Trio. Snape could be a good resource to have around, you know, for his insider information, Dark Arts stuff, and knowledge about certain projects," Ron nodded emphatically to Hermione. "That, and well, you're both scary smart and scheming."
"Ron!" Hermione protested, knocking him on his shoulder.
"What Hermione? It's one of those political marriages. I mean, other than the fact that you're married to the git, it works for us."
"I'm glad to hear you're so agreeable, Mr. Weasley. Now if you don't mind, please stay the hell away from my wife."
"Look here," Hermione said, addressing Severus with the voice that best worked on the boys. "You can't just demand that we not see each other – it's not possible, and completely unreasonable. There will be times when Ron and I will be in public together, or have to attend Order meetings, and I am still invited as a guest by his family."
"No, I don't object to you occasionally meeting in public social settings, but I think Mr. Weasley understands what I'm saying. And if I'm not mistaken, he doesn't mind the request. He hasn't offered a single protest."
Hermione turned to Ron. "Is that true? You're not bothered by this?"
Ron shrugged and gave a pained half grin. "Well, it's like Snape said, right? You're married. I can't get between that."
"More likely it's because Mr. Weasley has found someone else," Severus observed quietly.
"Ron?" She blinked.
"You're married, Hermione, the Wizengamot doesn't break marriages very often," he protested.
"Ron! You are seeing someone." Suddenly, Hermione felt very queasy.
"You broke it off with me, remember?"
"I – but I've broken up with you plenty of times; you've never run off with someone else."
"Well maybe I finally got the message, Hermione," Ron asserted. "I've found a witch who actually likes my movies. She thinks my jokes are pretty funny too. You used to always slap me on the shoulder and say, 'Ron, that's inappropriate.' She likes to cook. Likes to come to my Quidditch practice. She even likes my new rat."
"Wow, she likes your rat – she must be a keeper." Hermione sniffed. "I hope you're very happy with your new witch, Ronald." God, why did she want to cry? Just then she hated all the men in her life. Bastards, the whole lot of them.
"Incidentally, what triggered the break up in the first place?" Severus quietly asked.
Hermione balled up her napkin, just in case tears came. "Oh it was some insensitive comment Ron made."
"It wasn't insensitive!"
"Yes, yes it was. He said if we'd gotten married the first time he asked, we could be on our third child." Hermione laughed mirthlessly. "It was an accusation."
"Then perhaps, you should bear this in mind," Severus softly advised. "The choice to start a family is a significant one."
"Tina wants to start a family," Ron boasted proudly.
"Well good for bloody Tina!"
He had found his prize. A witch who fawned over and adored him – laughed at his dirty jokes and probably made chicken pie just the way he liked it. Tina could be up the duff every nine months. And Hermione? She'd be stuck with Severus. Nasty, horrible, git.
"I want children, Ron. You know I do – a little boy and a girl, maybe. When the time is right and I don't have other obligations to take care of." Hermione's lashes started to get soaked.
Ron sat and moped. "That could take forever, 'Mione."
"Well I guess it's not your problem anymore." She sniffed and wiped at her cheeks.
"I think," Severus said, pulling a coin from his pocket, "that it's time that we were leaving. I'll see to Hermione. Mr. Weasley, you have a good evening."
"Snape." Ron nodded politely.
Hermione was tucked under Severus' shoulder as he bundled her out of The Three Broomsticks and into the night. He paused briefly on the street, lifting her chin up under the gaslight of a lamppost to inspect for tears and signs of distress.
"Will you be well tonight?"
She sniffled. "I think so."
"Shall I stay with you?"
"What! No… no. I'll be fine. It's not like Ron and I were meant to last forever, I suppose. And we were broken up… I just… I guess I never expected it to be like this."
"If it's any consolation, it was wrong of Mr. Weasley to rub your face in it."
"That's rather decent of you, Severus."
He smiled briefly, just a gentle tipping of his lips. "It's been known to happen on occasion. Don't let the word get out. A witch like you could thoroughly ruin my reputation."
"Snaaape! Oi, Snape!" Ronald shouted as he ran after them, his footfalls treading heavily on the cobblestone. Hermione paused to meet him, squaring her shoulders. "I need a word with 'Mione," Ron gasped. "You didn't think I was just going to hand her over, did you? We weren't finished back there."
"Hermione?" Severus asked in a guarded voice. "You don't have to speak with him if you don't wish to."
"I know that, I can handle myself," Hermione muttered, drawing herself up. She grabbed Ron's elbow and walked a few feet from Severus, looking to put a safe distance between the two wizards.
Ron looked up and down the nearly empty street. Only Severus stood nearby. To keep their discussion private, Ron cast a silencing spell.
"Look 'Mione, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Tina. You deserved to know sooner."
Hermione crossed her arms beneath her chest and shrugged. "I guess it doesn't really matter now." She looked over at Severus who was intensely studying a storefront window. The way he leaned forward into the glass, something about it was off… "As long as she makes you happy, that's what's important," she said sadly.
He smiled dopily. "Yeah."
Hermione had seen that same look before in his eyes; he was man completely smitten. Ronald used to be in love with her. And she had felt the same for him. Great, big hormonal love. Hermione wondered what happened to those feelings. Hormones changed?
"You were going to forgive me anyway." He shrugged carelessly.
"I was?" Hermione raised an eyebrow.
"Yep." He smiled. "You finally come around to your senses within seven weeks, just like clockwork."
Hermione laughed in spite of herself. "You apologize every seven weeks, just like clockwork."
They exchanged quick grins.
"And what about him?" Ron nodded towards Severus. "Do you think we could ever trust him near the project?"
"I'm not sure," Hermione said softly. "I'd like to think I could trust him, but…" Hermione blinked in realization, and quickly shot an obscuring spell at the glass. Severus whirled away.
"Hermione?" Ron asked in confusion.
She grunted. "Unbelievable, what a freaking Slytherin. He was reading our lips in the window's reflection."
Ron nodded. "Let Malfoy take him. Until then, you better make sure your flat is secure and keep him at arm's distance." Regardless of the silencing charm, Ron lowered his voice. "Do you think this might be why Dumbledore married you?" His eyes grew wider. "For some strange dark sexual ritual at the sites?"
Hermione sighed and felt very tired. It had been an extremely long day and she wasn't in the mood to indulge his absurd theory. "I don't know, Ron." She rubbed at her forehead. "I just don't know."
Ron looked a little sick. "That would be kinda messed up. Freaky even."
"Good night, Ronald." Hermione started walking away.
"Blimey 'Mione, if you need someone for a sex ritual, I could do it," he called after her.
Hermione turned, narrowing her eyes. "And here I thought you were in love with Tina. You really are an ugly prat."
He choked and floundered, struggling to articulate an answer.
"Good night, Ronald."
Hermione walked away for good.
She found Severus, patiently waiting at the street corner as if he'd never been attempting to eavesdrop upon their conversation at all. He took her arm and a moment later he Apparated them back to her apartment.
They parted wordlessly. Severus trudged off to his tent. Hermione was left to stew over the events of the evening.
That Ronald was really a shit!
They were headed straight for a split.
She hated his rat.
He hated her cat.
As a couple, they just didn't fit.