hi thanks for checking in i'm ~still a piece of garbage~

Connor made himself a promise for bonfire night: do not get starry-eyed and flirt with Nico again. Also try to mend things with Travis. He was roped into distributing marshmallows and skewers, so that would help keep him from wandering to Nico's side. Hopefully.

Campers helped gather driftwood from the beach. The salt gave the fire an unusual tint. Connor thought it was pretty. The scent of smoke, salt, and bugspray tickled his nose. He couldn't think of anything more quintessentially "summer." It was going to be hard to say goodbye to it all, just like every year.

It's going to be worse this year, Connor thought. He and Travis hadn't had time to talk since their argument. Travis was leaving. There was no changing that. It just wasn't fair. Travis wouldn't be around to complain to about school anymore; he wouldn't be there to fill the empty rooms at home or occupy a seat at the dinner table. He could be gone forever.

There had to be a way to make him reconsider. Their mom wouldn't agree to it. She couldn't.

Why not? whispered a little voice in his head. They discussed everything else without you. You weren't a part of that conversation.

Connor ignored those thoughts and started opening boxes of graham crackers. He could fix this before Travis had to leave. They were brothers. A little thing like this wouldn't get between them.

Nico hovered at the edge of the festivities for a few minutes. He didn't want to get close. There were too many people. If he showed up, it would only ruin the atmosphere. Nico sighed. He'd been all keyed up to go and now he was losing his nerve.

Connor's there, he thought. It'll give me an excuse to talk to him. In fact, more people being there made this easier. It would keep things from escalating like they had in the empty cabin. Nico took a few more deep breaths and plunged into the fray.

Almost everyone was hanging out around the fire. A couple of Apollo kids were singing and noodling on a guitar. He spotted Katie Gardener chatting with a Hecate girl, who was forming shapes in the fire. The face she was conjuring looked kind of like a famous actor, but Nico couldn't remember his name. He didn't bother with it. There was only one face he particularly wanted to see.

He found it relatively easily. Connor was breaking open packages of chocolate and marshmallows at a table someone had dragged down to the beach. Percy was standing next to him, helping out with napkins. The sight of his current and former crush occupying in the same place momentarily paralyzed Nico, but he forced himself to go on. Walking over, he realized Connor was singing.

Connor was not an amazing singer, but he could carry a tune. He was belting out some cheesy song Nico didn't recognize. As he got close to the table, he heard the words.

"When an eel lunges out and it bites off your snout," Connor pinched Nico's nose before he had time to react. "That's a moray!"

Nico stared at him, utterly lost. Connor looked back at him expectantly, then burst out laughing. He doubled over. Percy echoed him, but less loudly. When Nico's confused gaze traveled to him, he explained.

"Morays are a kind of eel."

Knowing that didn't help at all.

Connor straightened up again. "Percy, Percy, Percy. You're answering the wrong question. 'A moray' sounds like 'amore'. The song is That's Amore!"

"There's a song," Nico said, "about eels biting off people's noses… called That's Amore!"

More laughter. Percy waved a hand.

"No, no, the actual lyrics are like 'when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore.'"

"Oh." It was a pun. He looked at Connor. "You didn't come up with that, did you?"

"Nope. I wish I did."

Why do I like him? Why did this happen? Nico tried not to think too much about Connor singing a love song at him. He picked up a skewer. "I could stick this through your head."

"Yeah, but you won't," Connor said.

Nico looked down at the ingredients on the table. He was aware of Percy studying the exchange. Despite being incredibly dense, Percy could pick things up sometimes. He told himself to stop worrying. Percy didn't seem to notice that Nico was interested in boys in the first place.

"I'm going to go ahead and take these," Nico said, grabbing a napkin with what looked like the necessary ingredients laid out on it, "and forget this conversation ever happened."

He hurried away, hoping the fire's heat would disguise the fact that he was blushing.

Connor eventually got tired of standing behind the table and staring at Nico (who was clearly watching other people to figure out what to do with his s'more). Percy had wandered away to socialize with Grover and Annabeth. Figuring everyone was old enough to handle their own dessert construction, Connor left the table. He was tempted to go sit beside Nico near the bonfire, but he made himself walk around. It was more important to find Travis.

Travis wasn't hiding. To Connor's surprise, he was sitting with Katie and a couple of her friends. He seemed to be getting along with them just fine, though Katie kept smirking skeptically at him, like she'd caught him in a lie. Connor debated going over. He didn't want to interfere with Travis' relationship progress. Watching him, Connor felt a stab of envy.

You have to hide your love, whispered that same voice. He can be honest about his. He can get close to her while you keep trying to convince yourself to stay away.

Connor shook his head. He didn't want to think like that about his own brother. He wanted to be happy for him.

At that moment, Travis turned his head. He met Connor's eyes. A flicker of discomfort passed across his face and he turned away. Connor flinched. He wasn't welcome over there. Travis hadn't forgotten what happened earlier.

That was fine. Connor didn't need to cling to him. They were old enough to have separate social lives. Except this didn't feel like a natural separation. It felt like he was being warned away. Connor swallowed the bitter taste in his mouth and started walking around the bonfire.

He supposed it was his fault he wandered straight into a nest of Aphrodite kids. He wasn't really watching where he was going.

"Ooh! Connor Stoll!" A girl grabbed his arm. Her nails dug into his skin. "We were just talking about your brother."

Not me? Connor laughed good-naturedly, as if he wasn't being impaled as they spoke. "I hope you were saying good things about him."

"We usually don't." Drew Tanaka, holding one of the dining pavilion's magical cups. She'd dressed up for this. (Connor had to give her kudos for her look; she pulled off cut-off shorts rather well.)

"Hey, Drew. You're not still mad about the soulmate thing, are you?"

Drew smiled. It wasn't very friendly. "Water under the bridge. You're lucky that shirt you stuck gum to was one of my least favorites."

Connor thought back to the time he and Travis had thrown a golden mango into the Aphrodite cabin. He didn't want to go through that revenge again. Considering that had happened during Silena's reign, Connor suspected he could've been the victim of much worse.

"We were just saying that Travis and Katie look like a couple," a girl said. "Don't you think?"

"Yeah, actually, I do."

A ripple went through the group. Someone giggled. Connor wondered where David Park was. He'd rather be talking to him right now. He wanted to make absolutely sure the bond had left no effect on his feelings. There was no way he could ask Drew.

"Tell us, do you have the same taste in girls?" the girl holding his arm asked.

Connor could've told them that he was gay, but that would open a whole new can of worms. He settled for shrugging.

"Oh, I bet he does," Drew said. "They're practically twins. Boys like that end up marrying the same type of women. Or sisters."

The girl holding his arm gasped. "What about Miranda Gardiner? You two talk a lot, don't you? And she's a lot like Katie."

What? Percy had said something similar right before Connor told him he wasn't interested. Something about her having a crush on him, which couldn't be true. He glanced around, wondering if Miranda was around to hear this and refute it. She wasn't.

But Nico was. He was sitting farther back from the fire now, a good buffer between him and the other kids lounging around. He was definitely within earshot. Connor had to get away from here.

"Yeah! Didn't I hear a rumor she was into him?"

"They'd be so cute together," Drew said. "Travis can go out with Katie and you can date Miranda. Two sons of Hermes with two daughters of Demeter."

"Actually," Connor started to say, but he was cut off by another Aphrodite kid.

"You're so right," she said, wide-eyed. "And if you get married, you'd both be Stoll-Gardiners!"

Connor wanted to point out that Katie and Miranda spelled their surnames differently (and were not full-blooded siblings) but he found it hard to get a word in edgewise. The Aphrodite kids were on a roll.

Nico looked uncomfortable. He was spinning his skewer in a vaguely menacing way, like he was about to drive it through someone's hand. All the talk about dating was probably making his skin itch. Connor badly wanted to tell the Aphrodite kids that the only person he was interested in was the sullen kid in the aviator jacket, but he'd be exposing more than himself.

Connor swallowed. "Hey, slow down," he said. "You guys never asked me about any of this."

They ignored him.

"Their kids wouldn't be very cute."

"What are you talking about? They're not ugly or anything."

"Miranda wears scrunchies. She lets her hair air-dry."

"Plus they'd probably play in the dirt all the time."

I might as well be talking to a brick wall. They were so wrapped up in debating the pros and cons of a Stoll/Gardiner union that they didn't notice Connor extricating himself from their circle. He was on his way back to the refreshment table when—speak of the devil—Miranda Gardiner stepped into his path.

"Where did you hide the marshmallows?"

"The what?"

"You heard me. We had ten bags of marshmallows left after the first round and now there are eight. Tell me where they are."

Connor put on a face of wide-eyed innocence. "Are you sure you didn't miscount?"

"I'm sure. Listen, you and your brother are literally the only ones with the guts to steal from their fellow campers. If you give them back and apologize, we won't be mad."

"I can't give them back if I don't have them." Connor held out his empty hands. "Search me if you want. Travis and I have nothing to do with it."

Miranda's eyes narrowed. "Then you won't have a problem with me checking your bunk."

"Go ahead. Do you need directions?"

She glared at him over her shoulder as she jogged toward the cabins. Connor watched her go with a touch of resentment. There's no way she's got a crush on me. Why couldn't she have showed up when I needed her?

"This is rare. I didn't think you'd come out of your tomb for a party."

If there was one person Nico had not wanted to run into tonight, it was Drew Tanaka. After Connor had split, she and her minions had been on the hunt for a new plaything. She leaned over him, her hands on her knees. Like I'm a little kid. She's barely older than me.

"I still don't get why my mom would come all this way for you," Drew said. "You never explained that part."

"It was a misunderstanding," Nico muttered, wishing she'd go away.

"A misunderstanding over what? I heard your big sister gave up on love. Did that have something to do with it?"

Nico scowled. He remembered the rage that struck him in his cabin. Bianca. It felt worse hearing Drew—who'd never met or seen her in person—talking about her.

"That had nothing to do with it," Nico said. "You have no right to bring her up."

Drew held up her hands. "Touchy. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of things."

"Well, don't."

"Listen," Drew said, lowering her voice. "My mother has never met me. The fact that she wasted her time on some ungrateful punk over a misunderstanding makes my skin crawl. Excuse me if I want to know the details."

For a second, Nico felt sorry for her. There were so many kids who had never met their godly parent. So many who had been left to fend for themselves. Nico envied them sometimes. Knowing your godly parent wasn't always the best. He supposed it wasn't their fault for wanting to be recognized.

"I can't help you," Nico said. "I don't know what was going through her head. She… she didn't tell me anything."

Over Drew's shoulder, he could see Miranda and Connor talking to each other. Miranda seemed irritated. Connor was working his usual fast-talking, smooth angle. Nico could tell just by watching him. He thought about what the Aphrodite girls' matchmaking talk.

Nico forgot about everything. So far the evening had been barely tolerable. Now it was insufferable. He was done with this. With being frustrated and longing and letting his hormones drive him insane.

I'm going to do it, he thought. I'm going to tell him the truth.

His stomach swooped. It was a decision too big for his body. He closed his fist around the wooden skewer. He was tempted to snap it in half, just to remind himself that he was in control of his actions. Instead, Nico set it down, stood up, and left the fire. If he was going to do this, he needed a few seconds alone, in private.

The party started to wind down. Plenty of people still lingered around the fire, telling old camp stories, but others were drifting off, alone and in pairs, either farther down the beach or back towards the cabins. Connor didn't know what time it was.

Nico had disappeared somewhere. Connor hadn't seen him go. He might have gotten exhausted and left early. However, Connor couldn't stop thinking about what Nico must've overheard. It was flattering himself too much to imagine Nico being jealous. Even so, Connor hadn't wanted Nico to listen to that crap. It was embarrassing, plain and simple. How could the Aphrodite cabin—the children of the literal goddess of love—be so off the mark?

Connor made himself a s'more. He had the perfect technique for getting the outside of the marshmallow a golden brown. Travis liked to burn his. Connor would never understand it. He supposed he might as well start making a list of things he would never fully understand about his brother.

Katie and Travis were still sitting together, far away from Connor. They were closer than they had been at the start of the night. Connor thought he heard Katie laugh at something Travis said. He turned his eyes somewhere else. Looking at them felt like intruding.

Miranda was approaching him again. She seemed less annoyed. She hadn't found anything in his cabin. Connor grinned triumphantly.

"There you are," she said, sitting on the driftwood log beside him. "I guess you're innocent. Sorry."

"Apology accepted."

She snorted and glanced over at Travis and Katie. "They're getting along."

"Tell me about it."

They were silent for a few minutes. Miranda stared into the fire. Connor finished up another s'more. After a while, Connor couldn't stand it. He had to say something, before things got awkward.

"Hey, Miranda," he said, holding out an unroasted marshmallow, "want a s'more?"

"I think I'll be sick if I have anymore. But thanks anyway."

"Awesome." Connor speared it and held it over the flames. "What do you think about my brother dating your sister? Is it weird?"

"They're not dating yet," Miranda pointed out. She shrugged. "I don't have a problem with it. She'd be good for him."

"The Aphrodite cabin endorses it."

"Then I guess it's meant to be." Miranda sighed and swept her hair over her shoulder. "Sometimes all this relationship talk wears me out. It's like everyone is dating everyone else but me and I don't know if I'm okay with that or not."

"Hm." Connor blew on his marshmallow. Its corner had caught fire.

"You're still single, right?"

"Oh. Yeah." Oh gods. Maybe the Aphrodite kids and Percy were right. Connor looked at Miranda out of the corner of his eye. "Footloose and fancy free."

Miranda chuckled softly. "You're weird. But that's fine." She stood up and stretched. "I'm going to break down the table."

"Let me get it," Connor offered, slapping the top graham cracked on top of his s'more. "You helped put this whole thing together and you searched my bunk." He smiled. "Why don't you chill for a while?"

"Oh… okay. That's nice of you."

Connor left her to take care of the table. Most of it had been picked over. It would be an easy job. Yet when he got there, he just stood behind it, motionless. Melted chocolate was starting to run down his fingers. It was strange whenever Miranda was nice to him. It wasn't as if she never was, but after the gossip he'd heard, he felt uncomfortable. What if she did have a crush on him? How was he supposed to find out if she did?

He wished… well, he wished he could tell her the truth. It would make everything easier. In a perfect world, Nico would be his boyfriend, and he and Travis would be getting along like usual, and Connor wouldn't have to feel this way: frustrated and lonely and anxious.

Fuck it, Connor thought. Keeping Nico at arm's length only made things worse. If he was really strong, he'd be able to hang out with him like normal. Connor shoved the rest of his s'more into his mouth and reached under the table for the bag of marshmallows he'd taped to the underside. He was going to find Nico.

It took a while to locate him. He wasn't on the beach. Connor figured out he wasn't in his cabin quickly enough. When no one answered his knock, he just pushed open the door. (Cabins had no locks, which was both a blessing and curse.) That turned out to be a wash, so he went looking around outside. Eventually, he spotted a dark shape stretched out on a patch of grass near the beach. He must've missed it completely his first time around. He crept up on it.

"What'cha doing?" Connor asked.

Nico sat up, surprised. "I thought you got in trouble for stealing marshmallows."

"I would've, if I hadn't been smart and hidden them in a super-secret location." Connor pulled the bag out from underneath his shirt. He liked the way Nico's eyes lit up. "Want one?"

"Sure."

Connor sat down next to Nico and ripped open the bag. He passed a couple over, then took some for himself. "Do you know how to play 'chubby bunny'?" he asked.

"No. What is that?"

"You put marshmallows in your mouth and say 'chubby bunny' and you keep adding marshmallows until you can't say it. Like this." Connor fitted a marshmallow into his cheek. "Chubby bunny. Your turn."

Nico was looking at him like he was insane, but he put a marshmallow in his mouth and said, "Chubby bunny" with a straight face.

They went back and forth a few more times. Nico actually started laughing once Connor had six marshmallows in. At that moment, it was the most beautiful sound in the universe. Connor almost choked when he tried to swallow them all.

"You're so gross," Nico said.

"Tell that to the guy who invented the game."

Nico shook his head. He fell back on the grass. His hair spread out behind his head in a dark halo. "After that, I don't think I'll be able to eat marshmallows for ten years."

"They're better on s'mores."

"Why are they called s'mores?"

"Because you always want 'some more' but Americans are lazy, so we shortened it."

"That was the first time I ever had them. S'mores."

"What did you think?"

"They were messy. Mine fell apart pretty fast." Beat. "But they were good. It took me a while to get the marshmallow part right. They're better when they're warm."

"You can say that again," Connor muttered. He lay down as well. The grass within the borders of Camp Half-Blood always smelled sweeter than the grass outside. It might have been Mr. D or the nymphs doing it. Or maybe it was the Demeter kids, making it grow better.

The night sky was perfectly clear, as always. The lack of light pollution made for prime stargazing opportunities. Connor could see other campers finding spots. Some were walking farther away, trying to get some privacy. That was near impossible. The handful of campers who were dating each other could barely get five minutes alone together. There was always someone hanging around—a satyr, another camper, a nymph—and soon enough everyone at camp knew your stupid pet names for your girlfriend.

"Which constellation is Zoe Nightshade?" Nico asked suddenly.

"I don't remember. Maybe it's that one." There was a certain cluster of stars that could have formed the shape of a girl with a bow and arrow. Really, it was just a collection of dots. Connor wasn't bad at constellations, but sometimes he struggled to understand how the Ancient Greeks got a bear out of some random lines.

They lay there quietly for a few beats. Connor realized that he could fall asleep right here, he was so tired. He hadn't even known he was tired. It was a balmy night, with just enough breeze to keep it from being stifling. His eyelids drooped.

He heard Nico take a deep breath. Then, in a slightly shaky voice, he said, "Can I tell you something?"

"What kind of something?"

"Um… personal. You can't tell anyone else."

Connor's stomach did a flip. Not an excited one. More like a roller coaster loop-de-loop. A really fast, really rickety roller coaster. Nico was going to tell him he had a crush on someone else. He was going to ask Connor what to do. It would hurt.

But isn't this what I should be doing? I'm supposed to be helping him, not crushing on him. I'm the only gay guy he can talk to. Oh shit, what did I sign up for?

He couldn't do it. He shouldn't be spending time alone with Nico in the first place. Connor sat up so fast it made his head spin. "I just remembered…" What did he remember? He picked at the grass as he tried to come up with something plausible.

Nico stared straight at him, disbelief written plainly across his face. "Did you forget to hide the other bag of marshmallows?"

"Yes," Connor said. He couldn't believe Nico had just offered him an excuse. "Yeah. I better go check, before Katie chews us out."

"Okay." Nico sighed. If Connor didn't know better, Nico sounded a little relieved. Maybe he'd changed his mind.

"I'll see you later. You can tell me about whatever it is, then." (Though Connor was hoping he'd forget by that point.) He wasn't strong enough. His feelings ran too deep.

Nico was still lying on the grass, watching Connor with dark, dark eyes, relaxed and honest. Connor wanted to kiss him so badly. He wanted to forget about all the excuses, to shuck off all the lying and dodging and lie down next to him again. He wanted to cup the back of Nico's neck in his hand so Connor could feel his hair in his hand.

"I can't."

Connor needed only a second to realize he'd said that out loud. Confusion rendered in Nico's eyes, but Connor didn't stick around to see where it went from there. He couldn't. He couldn't, he couldn't, he couldn't.

i had to work in the "that's amore"/"that's a moray" joke. i had to.