Attack of the Clones - A Parody - Super_Tinfoil_Man Part 2
Chapter 6 - Merchants of the lost Dart -
"We, the people of the Coruscant Merchant Movement, in order to form a more perfect union, establish injustice, insecure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Galactic Republic. Excuse me, Barhaltagorn, are we boring you here tonight ? Could you put away the video game and pay attention please. "
- President of the C.M.M , two days before Merchant War 2 .
" In these days of darkness, of endless pain and suffering, we must band together to extinguish these Merchants. They think they have rights, they are wrong. They think they can tell me to put away MY VIDEO GAME ! This will not be tolerated. "
- Barhaltagorn , Leader of the We Hate Merchants Party, W.H.M.P , one day before Merchant War 2.
A transport bus flew gracefully through the daytime Coruscant sky towards the spaceport docks. Padme' and Anakin stood up in their merchant outfits and headed to the door where a small party were waiting outside.
" Be safe M'lady." Captain Typho said as he passed Padme' some luggage.
" Thank you Captain, please take care of Dorme' , the threat is on you two now…somehow. " Padme' smiled awkwardly. Miles away, Dorme' was lying face up in a dirty alley with a laser hole in her forehead.
" No problem your worshipfullnessness, it'll be just like Captain Typho and The Secure Securities. " He beemed.
Padme' laughed and gave Typho a hug, when she let him go, he was weeping.
" You'll be fine. " She comforted him.
" Its not me, what if they..(SOB) …find out you left and…(WEEP)..try to attack you in some horrible way, like in Captain Typho and the Murdering Murderer. "
" Then my JedI protector will have to see how good he is. " Padme' beemed as she looked over to Anakin who had just tripped over his own luggage. A trickle of blood dripped down his cheek as he sat dazed.
Obi-Wan pulled Anakin's hair and dragged him to one side. " Anakin, don't do anything without first calling the council and pre-clearing authority codes before hand. "
" Yes, master. " Anakin bowed his head.
" We will get to the bottom of this plot ….." Obi-Wan's communicator bleeped and he took it out with a quizzical look on his bearded face. Anakin's image appeared on the communicator….. " MASTER, WE ARE PREPARING TO LEAVE DRESSED AS MERCHANTS…."
" Anakin ! Don't be a smart ass. May the force be with you. "
" And also with you. " Anakin responded robotically.
" Lift up our hearts. " Obi-Wan continued.
" We lift them up to the force. " Anakin continued in his robot voice.
" Let us give faith to the force our god. "
" We like to give it thanks and praise. " They both said together. Obi-Wan took out a small round slice of bread, he broke it in half and fed it to Anakin, " The body of the Force."
" Amen. "
" Oh for shit sakes ! Can you religious boobs get it over with, my breasts are sweating in this thing. " Padme' complained.
Padme', Anakin and Artoo made their way into the distance in the space port. Obi-Wan stood next to Typho and watched them go.
" I hope he doesn't try anything foolish. " Obi-Wan said, rubbing his beard.
" I'd be more concerned about him doing something, than her. " Typho gave Obi-Wan a knowing nod, thinking he had just said something clever, then walked away.
A few hours later, in the Droid Analysis bay…..
Obi-wan walked slowly by the glass windows watching the white droids labour away with parts and machinery. It seems like yesterday when the Droids Rights Movement passed and we have to actually give these things a pay check now. I remember when droids didn't have rights, what a world we live in…..Padme' is SOOO HOT, I wonder if she'll let me hold her hand, I could TRIP, YA ! I could trip and GRAB her hand ! Yes, that's what I'll do…..
" Anakin ! " Obi-Wan slapped the side of his own head , " your thoughts are interrupting mine ! Do you mind ? "
Sorry Master, it must be my massive mediclorian count.
" If you were here now I'd slam a door in your face. " Obi-Wan muttered as the white droid slid a tray out in from of him.
" Place the subject for analysis on the sensor tray, please. " The droid said in a very soft voice.
Obi-Wan reached into his side robe pocket and placed the dart in the tray, the tray slid inside and the droid picked it up, a small screen lit up in front of Obi-Wan.
" It's a toxic dart, I need to know who made it and where it came from. "
" One moment please. "
The droid slid over and stood directly behind another white droid who was furiously doing some work on a table. They chatted for several minutes while Obi-Wan looked on.
The droid then announced it was going on break and left the room. Obi-Wan's face reddened. Damn Droids Rights Movement.
The droid returned thirty minutes later. It slid over to Obi-Wan and announced that it had a great break.
" Unknown thing, probably made by some smuggler in the outer rim, who beats his wife every weekend and cheats on her, he has thirteen kids. Stand away from the sensor tray. "
" Wha…" Obi-Wan was knocked in the chest by the sensor tray and fell to his back. The dart fell out of the tray and landed near his feet.
" Wait, could you give it another try please ? " Obi-Wan protested.
" Master JedI, our records are very thorough. They cover twenty three percent of the known Galaxy. If we can't identify it, then it probably doesn't exist. "
" You held the fucking thing IN YOUR ROBOTIC HAND ! It does exist ! " Obi-Wan was flirting with the dark side now.
" Thanks for nothing. I know who can identify this, though why I didn't go there first is beyond me. "
Later…..inside a used junk shop….
" Looks like some kind of toxic dart. " The alien merchant guessed as he inspected the object in his green hand.
" Thanks, wait, " Obi-Wan pointed to the ceiling , " I know who can identify this. "
Later….inside a used junk shop…
" Like I told you two hours ago, it looks like some kind of toxic dart. " The alien merchant guessed as he inspected the object in his green hand.
" Oh ya, " Obi-Wan's face lit up , " I know who can identify this ! "
Later….inside Dex's Diner…
" What you got here is one of those Kamino saberdarts. From 'dem cloners. " The fat six armed alien said to the JedI across the table.
" How did you figure that out that so quickly ? " Obi-Wan said in shock as he took another drink of his beer.
" Well, it's inscribed right here, it says ' One of those Kamino saberdarts ' Those droids yuh got over 'dere don't read words, they jus' look at shapes and symbols. " Dex smiled broadly as Obi-Wan retrieved the dart back, but he grabbed it too hard and it stabbed Dex's palm, killing the diner owner instantly. Obi-Wan looked around nervously then slid out of the diner unnoticed.
37 miles away…in an abandoned warehouse…
A figure stood in the shadows in a black cloak at the far end of the warehouse. The orange glow dot of a smoke flicked away from the figure's hand and rolled on the warehouse floor. A large door creaked open nearby and another figure in a black cloak entered the warehouse, the shadow slowly walked towards the other mysterious figure at the other end of the warehouse. The only sounds were the echo of the shadow's footsteps as it progressed further along the dirty floor. Then, only a few feet away now, it stopped. The two shadows stood there silent.
" Margox . " The first shadow announced in a crackly voice.
" Who ? " The second shadow replied.
" Are you not the assassin named Margox ? "
" No, my name is Phil, I hang out here. " The shadow took off his dark cloak to reveal a balding human.
The other dark figure stood silent. Then it slowly started to walk backwards, then it turned around and walked back the way it came. The only sounds were its footsteps echoing in the warehouse.
" Must have the wrong abandoned warehouse ! " Phil called out.
" Eat shit ! " The shadow called back as the doors creaked shut.
5 Hours later …..in an abandoned warehouse….
A dark figure in a cloak stood in the shadows at the end of the warehouse, leaning on a abandoned service droid. It lit a smoke, coughed then threw it away. It then lit another smoke, coughed then threw it away again. At the far end of the warehouse, a door creaked open and a second figure in a cloak slipped inside. It then made a long, slow walk towards the leaning shadow. The only sounds in the warehouse now were its mysterious feet, echoing as it stepped. It stopped four feet away from the leaning shadow. Both shadows were deadly silent now.
" Margox ! " The intruding shadow announced in a crackly voice.
But there was no answer from the leaning shadow. Silence followed.
" Answer me Margox ! " The intruding shadow repeated.
" I would if I was Margox. " The leaning shadow said as he pulled off his hood , " the name's Phil. Why do you keep coming back here ? "